BPD and “End State”

[Sharkie]

A few months ago, my wife and I realized, and had her doctor confirm, that she has BPD. She has always been very involved with her mental health care and is reading everything she can on it. She desperately wants to start DBT and has an intake interview next week. This all sounds great, but my concern is that she wants everything done already. She wants to be in DBT now. She wants to be “fixed” now. When I asked her what that looked like, she said, “I want to be cured.” We then had a long talk about how that isn’t a reasonable goal, that this would be more like diabetes where you’re never cured, you just are able to manage the issues so the impact on your life is minimal. She understood this, but I’m afraid her impatience will make her feel like nothing is changing fast enough and give up. She can be extremely mean when she has an episode and I’m afraid that real damage will be caused if progress isn’t fast enough.

I don’t really know what I’m asking, but I needed to get it out.

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[Harri]

Hi Sharkie and

It is great that your wife is so receptive to the label of BPD and is eager to enter treatment.  I do understand your concern about progress and healing being too slow for her though.  It is a valid concern.  There is little you can do other than continue to support her and help her see alternative ways of thinking about it.

Can you share more about your situation?  What are some of her most problematic behaviors?

I hope as you post more and read here you will settle in.  Having a support network for yourself is important.  I am glad you found us.   

[GaGrl]

It is truly hopeful that the diagnosis was accepted by your wife and that she is eager to start DBT. Many couples don't reach the point of the diagnosed partner accepting the diagnosis and the path ahead.

Will you also be doing DBT work?

[Steps31]

Remind her that steps backward and forward are part of the process...
Be patient with yourselves, be patient with each other.

[wendydarling]

Hi Sharki  

Welcome. It is great your wife is interested in her mental health and recognises she can help herself. She certainly sounds motivated. What is your wife reading Sharki?

I can understand your concern. DBT could not come soon enough for my daughter, I wondered if she'd take to it, put in the work, apply her new skills. She did. As Steps31 says steps backward and forward are part of the process.

I’m afraid that real damage will be caused if progress isn’t fast enough.

What do you mean by 'real damage'?

Glad you found us Sharki.

WDx

[Sharkie]

Harri, I'd say the worst issue is disassociation. She has three identifiable components to her personality during an episode which we have labeled "The 5 Year Old", "The Teenager", and "The Adult". When she has an episode, she will express the 5 yr old and, if my response is triggering, the teenager will take over, pissed off and angry that we've upset the 5 yr old. When the teenager is being expressed, she is extremely cruel and hurtful and knows exactly where the buttons are and how to mash them. For example, we were on our honeymoon a few weeks ago and she had an episode. When the teenager came out, she said that I didn't know what the F*$ I was doing and we should just get the marriage annulled because I was just going to F*$ it up. Even though I knew intellectually that it was just her lashing out, it still hurt emotionally. I already have my own issues, and am seeing a therapist for them, and these emotional body blows take a toll.

GaGrl, I hadn't realized that DBT was beneficial and available to family members. I will definitely look into that.

WendyDarling, I'm not sure what she's reading right now. I'm reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells". When I alluded to real damage, I was talking about some of the cruel things she says undermining our relationship and my own mental health. I love her with all of my heart, but damn, some of those shots do severe damage.

[Harri]

Hi again.

Those episodes sound quite hurtful.   Are you able to tell when she is  going to dysregulate?

The Stop Walking On Eggshells Book is okay so keep reading it.   There are other books that are excellent reads and quite helpful such as:
Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder - Shari Y. Manning, PhD.  A lot of our members find this book very helpful. 

When she says hurtful things like she did on your honeymoon, how do you respond?  Can you give details?

I already have my own issues, and am seeing a therapist for them, and these emotional body blows take a toll.

It is good that you have your own support system and therapist.  Lots of us here do and many of us have our own issues whether they be depression, PTSD, anxiety, etc.

 

[Sharkie]

Harri, when I see her anxiety start to spike and she tries to physically shrink into herself, I know she’s dysregulating.

With regards to my response, regrettably, I generally take the bait. It makes it difficult for me to deal with her effectively. Luckily, her mother has also gotten good at working with her and we’ll tag team. She has been a godsend.

[Harri]

Hi Sharkie.

With regards to my response, regrettably, I generally take the bait. It makes it difficult for me to deal with her effectively. Luckily, her mother has also gotten good at working with her and we’ll tag team. She has been a godsend.

Yes, it can be hard not to react. 

Can you give a specific example, including a run down of she said, he said details so we can look at this and maybe figure out how you can not get caught up in her dysregulation and then dysregulate yourself?  I really do understand how this can happen as I have ben there done that.  The good news is that we have tools here that can help you cope better and not act in ways that inadvertently escalate things.   

I am not saying you are doing anything wrong or are to blame though.  Learning not to react will help you.  Sometimes, even often, that can help our loved ones to stay calmer.

[Sharkie]

I know that you're not laying blame, and I appreciate that. I just got the book that you recommended and reading it has almost made me paranoid that the author was talking specifically about us. The responses I have had are precisely what it says I shouldn't be doing, and that gives me hope.

One pattern that has repeated itself is when I see her anxiety level shooting up, I foolishly say "What can I do to help?" which immediately triggers her because in her state, if she knew what to do she'd already be doing it. She then begins berating me as being useless and "You do this every time. How many times do I need to tell you not to ask that?" Unfortunately, that has always been my goto response and it is almost automatic.

Based on what I'm reading, I should be doing validation of her anxiety to help her de-escalate.

[Harri]

   Whew!  I am glad you are finding the book helpful.   

The responses I have had are precisely what it says I shouldn't be doing, and that gives me hope.

None of this is intuitive.  When someone makes accusations, we tend to JADE (see Don't JADE for more information) and what we think is validating is often invalidating or worse, validates the invalid.

Yes, there is hope and things can get better for you.   

We have an article titled Don't Be Invalidating that you might find helpful.  It was an eye opener for me and I know a lot of our members.

We have a lot of other articles and tools but I don't want to load you down with too much.   Change takes time but is so worth it.  Anything that helps me stay centered and calmer and can help my loved ones is worth is.

See what you think of the articles and then we can chat more.

Also, if you haven't read other threads here and jump in and post.  We learn by interacting with others and we all share what we learn and what works.   

[GaGrl]

It would be helpful to talk to the DBT providers to see what partner and family DBT support and involvement will be available. It would help time you into what she is learning and working on, so you can help appropriately.

[Sharkie]

GaGrl, well, conveniently enough, we are leaving for her intake appointment in about 15 minutes. Hopefully they will allow me in when they begin talking about proposed treatment and I'll ask about their family support programs. Thank you for the VERY timely suggestion. 

[wendydarling]

How did the appointment go Sharkie?

One pattern that has repeated itself is when I see her anxiety level shooting up, I foolishly say "What can I do to help?" which immediately triggers her because in her state, if she knew what to do she'd already be doing it. She then begins berating me as being useless and "You do this every time. How many times do I need to tell you not to ask that?" Unfortunately, that has always been my goto response and it is almost automatic.

Sharkie, my DD (dear daughter) is a quiet person with BPD. Hers is an internal storm.  When she dysregulates, her mood floods, she's overwhelmed she takes herself away for as long as it takes, practises her DBT skills. As you say if your wife knew what to do, she'd already be doing it.  I hope your wife finds DBT empowering, to help herself, find what works for her. DBT has taught my DD to slow right down and be patient and live a gentle and loving life and make wiser choices. DD is about to embark on other therapies which I'll be sharing on the son/daughter board as she proceeds...

Glad you're here, as Harri says we learn by interacting with others and we all share what we learn and what works.  

WDx

[Harri]

Hi Sharkie.  How are you doing?  I too am wondering how the DBT intake appointment went.  I am more interested in how you are though.

Please check in here and post as it will help you.  This board was my primary source of support for a very long time and it was a life saver... literally.

 

[Sharkie]

The intake was almost a failure. My wife has a trauma therapist that has helped her immensely and the intake person was pushing very strongly that my wife had to stop seeing the therapist during the IOP. This was a non-starter and her reasons for this policy were weak at best.

After my wife and I discussed it several times over the next day, she finally agreed to go, but refused to drop her therapist. This turns out to be a good thing, because the program wasn’t able to get her in to see a therapist this week and, due to the holiday and vacations, she won’t see one next week either.

My wife has struggled so far because nobody really oriented her, they just kind of tossed her in without much guidance. She had a full blown meltdown during group on Wednesday, but was able to get under control enough to rejoin before the end of group.

Today was better for her, but I’m struggling. The past 36 hours have been EXTREMELY difficult and this weekend is going to be even harder. I had arranged for a close friend to be my support this weekend, but she had a medical emergency, so I’m flying solo.

As Winston Churchill said, “When you’re going through hell, keep going.”

[wendydarling]

Hi Sharkie

I'm sorry you are struggling and things have been extremely difficult for you and this weekend will be even harder, without your friends support you'd arranged. What's happening this weekend? Can we help you? Or just listen.

I can imagine your wife wanting to keep her other therapy going, it's what she knows, what she can control. The purpose of not having other therapy during DBT I guess is to reduce any 'interference' of what the DBT therapist is aiming to achieve for it to be successful, if that makes sense. There are rules in DBT everyone commits to and signs up to eg no contact with other members outside the group session, no discussion of what's shared by the group outside group.

That's hard not feeling prepared, thrown in. Your wife did well to re join the group. I hope next week goes better for her.

WDx

[Sharkie]

Well, I made it through. My friend did make herself available and it helped a lot. I also spent a lot of time analyzing my thoughts and feelings and realized that my brain weasels (what we call the voices in our head) were controlling the narrative. I was able to reframe things and am in a much better place.

I’m not going to lie and say it was easy, but between the self reflection and spending a lot of time reading “Loving Someone with BPD” (Thanks for the awesome recommendation Harri), I figured a lot of stuff out. First and foremost, that my wife truly loves me. I’m hopeful that the DBT she is in will help her get better control of her BPD. I know that I feel better equipped to help her after reading that book (I also know it’s going to be pretty well dog-eared soon).

So, for today, I’m better than I was. I appreciate everyone’s thoughts, concerns, and wisdom, and I hope that I start making better use of this board on this journey.

[wendydarling]

I know that I feel better equipped to help her after reading that book (I also know it’s going to be pretty well dog-eared soon).

   it is a great book, first one that spoke to me. I'm glad your friend was able to be there for you and you got to figure out a lot of stuff.

realized that my brain weasels (what we call the voices in our head) were controlling the narrative

Is that like ruminating Sharkie?
5.07 | Dealing with ruminations

Glad to hear you are in a better place than you were, you made it through!  

WDx

[boogs152]

Dealing with ruminations links was very helpful thanks ❤️

[wendydarling]

You are welcome boogs52 I printed the article and workshop out for my BPD daughter and stuck it on our kitchen wall. We had fun naming our files.