$70k in debt because of him. How do I approach this. Everything has failed

[Littlehurricanes]

My boyfriend of 18 months has not been diagnosed with BPD but he has many traits. He is wonderful in many ways, very attentive, loving, caring, extremely loyal, funny, good moral (but that tends to lean towards black&white thinking), and I love him very much. We do however have two things that we always argue about and that cause conflict: his spending and his prescription drug abuse.

I’m 36 years old and have never had financial security in my life. I’ve always worked hard without much help from others, I get jobs on my own merit not through contacts. I’ve moved to the US from a different country five years ago and managed to get well ahead in my career where I finally make a decent amount of money. My boyfriend did help me get the salary I asked for by helping me write a response to their initial offer detailing why I needed $10k more to accept the job offer. But the issue is that during our time together, my debt has skyrocketed and is now close to $70k. After paying all of our bills and my debt payments there is about $900 left each month. He was working part time when we met and living for free in his mom’s condo. He even moved me in there only 2 months after we started dating so I didn’t have to drive so much in between my job, his place and my place. However that only lasted a month before his mom put her foot down and threatened to evict him (from what he tells me she has her own set of MH issues and abandoned him frequently when he was a child to go to bars). I found us a new place and did all the work to get that and used my credit which was good at the time (his was awful). This was a year ago.

Since we moved in I’ve been the one with the financial responsibility. I budget everything and stick to it myself but in the end I always end up giving him money when he needs it. Right now he only gets his disability of about $900 a month and spends it within a few days, then I have to support him after that. He used my credit cards recklessly and I ended up getting a loan to pay them down, at that point my credit wasn’t so good anymore and the loan came with a high-ish interest rate. I paid Most of the cards down with it but he maxed them out again, leading to my debt now being close to $70k.

He has always been very anxious and gets a high dose of Xanax prescribed. He pushed me to get my own Xanax prescription and takes all of that too. That’s not enough so he buys more from a guy along with painkillers to get high and “get out of his head”. As a former alcoholic I understand the need to escape but he is ruining me financially and pressuring me to give him more money and using credit cards when we’re out of cash. My whole life I’ve wanted to be able to save money and be stress free when it comes to finances, finally I had a chance to get there through my own hard work but it’s all backfired because I have an enormous debt to tackle.

I have tried to approach the issue many different ways. Tried to set boundaries (please don’t use my credit cards, try to stick to our budget) and end up giving in every time. Tried to just give him all my cash in order to not use the credit cards and buy nothing for myself, literally living off rice and beans and not being able to go to the doctor for my various health issues that have arisen due to all this stress. When I did that he was content until I brought up how much stress it’s causing me to never have money. Tried and succeeded in getting promotions only to see my raises vanish with his added expenses. Every month there is something new he needs - new tv, new couch, new laptop, new phone, more drugs. BUT - he does give me money back when he can. That needs to be said. And it’s something he demands credit for anytime the issue comes up. Yes, he gives me money back but it’s not enough to catch up. I’ve tried to show him the math and see that he needs to reduce his spending and stick to the budget. He blames me for being cheap like his mom and brings up how much money I make now thanks to him (helping me write that response to the job offer).

My question is this: I blame him for the debt and apparently I appear condescending and demanding when I push him to get a job and reduce spending. I need advice on how to approach this so that I don’t trigger him and cause more resentment to both of us.

I have thought about leaving but without money and with bad credit  it’s impossible. And in the end I love him a lot and he has those traits that are so hard to find nowadays. But when he gets angry it’s like night and day and I get called the most horrible names - b***h, c**t, retard, delusional, arrogant, wh**e. It’s taking a severe toll on me.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Littlehurricanes:  Sorry about your situation.  It sounds like a very serious "huge" hurricane.

Emotional abuse is abuse.  I don't know where you live, but if you are residing in the US, please call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline & talk to someone at 800-799-7233, when you can do so privately & safely.  

You indicate that you are from another Country.  If you don't have a support system of friends in the community where you are living, you may need to seek some local support.  You have to start enforcing boundaries in regard to drug abuse & enabling his spending.  

If your insurance covers therapy, you might want to get help that way.  If your employer is large enough, there might be some employee assistance services available.

You need to cut off his use of your credit card (s) & cut off your illegal means of providing him supplemental Xanax.  It could be helpful to talk through specifics & about how you will handle the likely emotional abuse that would ensue.  You might have to get a restraining order and evict him.

It would be good for you to talk to someone & start thinking about a plan for when you start enforcing your boundaries:  i.e.
1.  Get replacement credit cards, secure all info. & don't let your BF use them under any circumstance.

2.  Decide at what point you may need to call the police & have him removed from your home for a cooling off period.

3.  Learn about restraining orders & at what point it would be strategic for you to use one.  Get prepared for possibly initiating one yourself.

4.  Learn about eviction & explore your options: i.e. Evict him & you stay alone, evict him & get a roommate.  You both move out & you rent a room somewhere else (without him)

The debt that you have assumed for your BF is a serious problem.  What's more serious is you getting your own prescription for Xanax and giving it to you BF.  That's illegal.  Xanax is a controlled substance & you could end up with your own legal problems, especially if he dies of an overdose or is caught driving under the influence (especially if someone else is harmed).

He was working part time when we met and living for free in his mom’s condo. He even moved me in there only 2 months after we started dating so I didn’t have to drive so much in between my job, his place and my place. However that only lasted a month before his mom put her foot down and threatened to evict him (from what he tells me she has her own set of MH issues and abandoned him frequently when he was a child to go to bars). I found us a new place and did all the work to get that and used my credit which was good at the time (his was awful). This was a year ago.

 
Do you realize that you have taken over for his mother, as an enabler & maybe stepped it up a few notches (with assuming his debt & illegally providing him with extra Xanax).

Since you are 36, I'm assuming he is at least in his 30's.  It's generally a red flag for someone his age to still be living with mom & only working part time.

Tried to set boundaries (please don’t use my credit cards, try to stick to our budget) and end up giving in every time.
. . .He pushed me to get my own Xanax prescription and takes all of that too.

You don't try with boundaries.  They are your's & you have to enforce them.  I can understand how the "name calling" can have an impact on you & hamper your attempts to enforce boundaries.

And in the end I love him a lot and he has those traits that are so hard to find nowadays. But when he gets angry it’s like night and day and I get called the most horrible names - b***h, c**t, retard, delusional, arrogant, wh**e. It’s taking a severe toll on me.

It would be wise to step back & review what you are telling yourself.  You have to look at the entire package of attributes & behaviors.  You are being used to help his drug habit, he is verbally abusive and you have let him get you in a mountain of debt.

Other than that, you say: "he has traits that are hard to find today"? What positive traits can ever balance out the 3 aforementioned bad traits?

You can't fix him.  The only person you have control over is yourself. You are responsible for your decisions to assume his deb, let him continue to use your credit card (s) & comply with his request for you to get Xanax on his behalf.  

You could face criminal charges for getting prescriptions for Xanax (a controlled substance) and giving it to him - that's illegal.

Additionally, you aren't helping him. Xanax can be a tool to help people with anxiety, but it can easily be abused when it's the only tool & when people refuse to use any other means to manage anxiety.  His supply needs to come entirely from a physician & NOT supplemented illegally by you.

Xanax is addictive & the more someone uses, the more they need to get the desired result. An addictive person can develop a serious abuse habit. At this point, he may need professional help to step down from the Xanax dosage he is using.  

You need to focus on you & saving yourself right now.  

[Ltahoe]

Eh!  Why is money such a reoccurring for problem these people? I straightened out me and my wife’s finances multiple times. Even though I’m strongly against this me and my wife just eventually had to go to separate accounts. Otherwise  there was no way to manage money with her, seemed like she had no concept of spending money and actually likes having financial chaos. Any time We saved money seems like she created a financial crisis, spontaneously quitting jobs, business opportunities that would drain our account. I’m much happier financially getting her out of my financial way. I refuse to be a slave to debt and I’ve always been debt free til I met my wife now debt is and was a big portion of my finances and there’s no reason for it. My wife secretly racks up credit card debt and after a few times it was like no. Sounds ruthless a married person wanting there spouse away from their money but there was no way to have financial stability with this person allowed to touch our money.

I personally believe if you’re not married this person has no business in your finances. Especially since this other person can just walk away and it’s now all your debt.  I noticed with my wife and some of her other family members if someone is helping provide debt and money they have no limit and will never stop taking. Your only protection is protecting yourself by taking charge of your own finances.

I think you’re in a no win situation. This person may turn on you when you turn off the ATM but I believe you have no choice anymore. This person has 0 risk you have all of it.

[Littlehurricanes]

Naughty Nibbler,
I’ve seen the red flags from the beginning and ignored them even though I’ve been in a relationship with a similar person before (I suspect he was more NPD), blinded by the affection and what felt like and still feels like sincere caring. Of course I am deeply torn because I would never treat someone I love the way he treats me when it’s bad. But even when we’re in the worst fights he still prepares my breakfast the night before when I’ve gone to sleep and goes above and beyond to care for me if I’m sick.

The money thing is my fault I shouldn’t have given him that to start with however I saw a person I cared about a lot who needed help. I thought the first time would be the only time. He didn’t ask for it in fact asked me not to do it. We made a loan agreement and he was supposed to pay me back. I’m deeply embarrassed that I, who have always been responsible with my finances, am in this situation because I let him manipulate me and guilt me into assuming this caretaker role. He says he feels guilty and worthless about not being able to provide yet it boggles me how much money he can spend it’s like a compulsion and he has admitted shopping is a way of coping with his anxiety and depression which I can understand, I do it too sometimes. And when he gets his disability he does give me a big chunk of it, it’s just that in the end he ends up spending a lot more than he gives back and the debt accumulates.

In his defense he is in fact disabled with a physical health issue and can’t work full time. The illness messed him up so bad and that’s what started the Xanax addiction. Doctors prescribed him large doses for years and his tolerance grew. Now it’s out of hand. But still, the lack of ambition and negativity and this victim mentality he has  have bothered me from the start. I have tried so many times to put my foot down but the ensuing guilt tripping and shaming is too much and I give in.

Your response was shocking to me as I have not seen the seriousness and I had no idea that him using my medication is illegal. It’s not like I haven’t tried to stop the drug abuse because I am of course really worried he is damaging his health. But I can’t force him to do anything and it’s a very sensitive issue so anytime I try to talk about it he gets defensive and brings up my shortcomings and my past which involved heavy alcohol use and calls me a hypocrite. I’ve had my issues with addiction but I overcame them and try to inspire him to overcome it too.

Bottom line is that no matter how much I love him (or think I do), deep down I’m unhappy and I feel that the way he goes about things is not right and not sustainable.

I could use some help regarding the confrontation that will likely follow when I cut him off the cards and pills. It has to be said though that he needs to have Xanax in his system otherwise he gets seizures from withdrawal it has happened before. I was dosing out his medication for a while however not consistently and if I don’t watch it he takes too much then runs out. If I do watch it I become the bad guy for not letting him have it. He has talked to his psychiatrist about getting off them and switching to a different benzo to help taper off but this dr keeps prescribing the max dose and doesn’t want to switch to a different one. 

With the corona virus going on it’s really challenging to move or take any action right now. I don’t really have anywhere to go. I have pets too which makes it more difficult. And if I go so far as contacting authorities he will try to retaliate and it will only make things worse. I already live in fear because of my ex who threatened with all kinds of things (thankfully I haven’t heard from him for over two years), in the end they were empty threats but you never know. Also just to make things clear there is no physical abuse involved just like there wasn’t with my ex and the cops did nothing when I finally asked for help back then. 

I don’t believe he is a bad person. He just honestly can’t see how abnormal his thinking is and it’s not his fault he became this way. I have a lot of compassion for him and see the good unfortunately like you say the good things don’t balance out the bad things.

[Littlehurricanes]

LTahoe,
I can relate to that so much! It’s insane. How long did you let her access the money before you blocked her access and how did she react?

[teawoman5]

Sorry to hear you are going through this. It sounds like you are strong and hard working and you could be financially secure if you were on your own. Reckless spending and substance abuse can happen with BPD so can anger outbursts.

I know you still care for your bf, but what you describe sounds like emotional, verbal, and financial abuse. If you have access to therapy that would be an important first step. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is free and could also probably provide you with some resources about financial abuse.

Have you considered cutting up your credit cards? They are allowing your bf to spend money you don't have. He is relying on you to support his lifestyle which neither of you can afford. Maybe he feels entitled to part of your income since he helped you with the job letter. But this doesn't make sense since you are the one working!

Maybe look into the Youtube channel of Dave Ramsey or someone like that. There are situations with people who are in worse debt who pay it off.

I think you need to look at the possibility of evicting your bf or moving out yourself even if that means temporarily with roommates. He isn't respecting your boundaries and the situation will only get worse if you continue to allow him to live off of your earnings. It's hard because it sounds like you really care about him. But you don't want the title of your next post to be "$100k in debt"...

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Littlehurricanes:
How are things going?

With the corona virus going on it’s really challenging to move or take any action right now. I don’t really have anywhere to go. I have pets too which makes it more difficult.        

 

Start with taking care of yourself. A good place to start is with setting some boundaries and learning/using strategic communication skills that can make it easier for you to deal with your BF and enforce boundaries.

A good place to start is to go to the large green band, at the top of the page.  There is a "Tools" menu there.  Start with lessons on "Boundaries" & "Validation/Don't Invalidate".  There is link within the "Tools" menu that will take you to the "Workshop" section.  Once you are within the "Workshop" area, you can go through the list of various workshops.  A good third lesson to move onto is "Don't JADE" (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).

Below is a link to some more info on Boundaries:
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imperfect/2020/04/7-types-of-boundaries-you-may-need/?utm_source=Psych+Central+Weekly+Newsletter&utm_campaign=4dd96a1ef0-GEN_EMAIL_CAMPAIGN_COPY_01&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_c648d0eafd-4dd96a1ef0-30440397

I’ve seen the red flags from the beginning and ignored them even though I’ve been in a relationship with a similar person before (I suspect he was more NPD), blinded by the affection and what felt like and still feels like sincere caring.  

 How were things within your family growing up?  Are any of the NPD or BPD behaviors familiar?  Was there any dysfunction within your family?  

Someone can care about you, but not be good for you.  Do you tend to be a caretaker?  

The money thing is my fault I shouldn’t have given him that to start with however I saw a person I cared about a lot who needed help. I thought the first time would be the only time. He didn’t ask for it in fact asked me not to do it. We made a loan agreement and he was supposed to pay me back.      

 It would be a good idea to spend some more time exploring why you got yourself into the loan situation & pushed yourself as an enabler. Trying to rescue people rarely works out well.

He says he feels guilty and worthless about not being able to provide yet it boggles me how much money he can spend it’s like a compulsion and he has admitted shopping is a way of coping with his anxiety and depression which I can understand    

What healthy ways has he used to help him cope?  Exercise, hobbies, music, meditation, etc.

In his defense he is in fact disabled with a physical health issue and can’t work full time. The illness messed him up so bad and that’s what started the Xanax addiction. Doctors prescribed him large doses for years and his tolerance grew. Now it’s out of hand. But still, the lack of ambition and negativity and this victim mentality he has  have bothered me from the start. . .

 It has to be said though that he needs to have Xanax in his system otherwise he gets seizures from withdrawal it has happened before      

 Other than depression, anxiety and possibly panic attacks, what is the illness that messed him up so that he has to rely on so much Xanzx?

Is he taking any antidepressants?  Can you be sure he is being honest with you?  

His doctor needs to know about the amount of xanax he is using to supplement his legal prescription.  It may be time to get a 2nd opinion from a different doctor.