Necessary Regret

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I got up this morning and thought about what occurred last year. When thinking about the part I played in everything turning sour- I realized that there certainly were a number of things I did wrong and ways I could have been better. Most definitely I wasn't giving it everything.

But I noticed that I felt regret-but I was okay with it. In a way, I accepted the guilt and regret for what it is. To take it a step further, I asked why I felt regret and the answer this morning surprised me.

It wasn't because I "could have kept it going." I regretted it because I missed out potentially lovely memories with someone I loved. It was for my sake.

All the while, I'm okay with it because its a lesson. I am where I am. But I also have a little more knowledge.

I want to come to terms with where I *REALLY* fell short in the relationship, and I think this might be a step in the right direction.

[Vatz]

I got up this morning and thought about what occurred last year. When thinking about the part I played in everything turning sour- I realized that there certainly were a number of things I did wrong and ways I could have been better. Most definitely I wasn't giving it everything.

But I noticed that I felt regret-but I was okay with it. In a way, I accepted the guilt and regret for what it is. To take it a step further, I asked why I felt regret and the answer this morning surprised me.

It wasn't because I "could have kept it going." I regretted it because I missed out potentially lovely memories with someone I loved. It was for my sake.

All the while, I'm okay with it because its a lesson. I am where I am. But I also have a little more knowledge.

I want to come to terms with where I *REALLY* fell short in the relationship, and I think this might be a step in the right direction.

[fromheeltoheal]

I can relate in a sense Vatz, and good for you for digging.  Sure, I could have done some things better too and there was room for growth there, although I don't have any regrets because I was protecting myself, as you say, 'It was for my sake', but I hadn't really connected with that at the time.

I've said more than a few times that there were red flags I ignored right from the beginning, but I didn't really ignore them, I couldn't, they were feelings that never went away, yet I forged ahead anyway.  I credit my intuition with holding me back, not giving all of myself to her or the relationship, and that's a good thing and something I don't regret, god knows where it would have gone had I committed fully emotionally.  Of course any woman, borderline or not, knows when we're holding back, it makes them scared and untrusting, and those emotions show up.  The way I see it now, my holding back to protect myself made her feel she was about to be abandoned, which she was, that was not her fantasy, and that dysregulated her faster, so I got what I needed in a backhanded way as things spun out of control and I bailed.  Now the growth?  That would be pay attention to those red flags, don't ignore them, and walk away right away, so everyone involved doesn't get unnecessarily hurt.

So vatz, you mention you want to come to terms with where you really fell short in the relationship; are you thinking that if you hadn't fallen short it would have worked out, or are you taking the experience as a growth opportunity for the future?

[Vatz]

So vatz, you mention you want to come to terms with where you really fell short in the relationship; are you thinking that if you hadn't fallen short it would have worked out, or are you taking the experience as a growth opportunity for the future?

Little bit of both. But I can't do anything about the former now, so today it's more about the latter. Although I must say that these days, I'd be far less distraught by some of her actions as I discovered that it's not that I see them as betrayal-it's because I'm afraid of what they imply of ME. Does that make sense? I don't want to sound too abstract. Obviously some things would have been off the table but I think with the better understanding of myself, perhaps she could have had that extra bit of wiggle room. It could have served as a buffer and maybe our relationship wouldn't have gone so far south. But then again, the nature of her illness would have probably just made it all worse-lack of boundaries means things get taken too far, too often. I think the earlier statement about the "buffer" is actually just bargaining again. I'm not at that stage anymore, at least I tell myself. The truth is, the end result would have likely been the same.

The places where I really failed, as I'm trying to understand and accept is for me. I want to end or at least have the right mindset to deal with my distorted thinking. If enough therapists tell me that my thinking is distorted, then they're worth having a listen. If my thoughts are warped, then so are my thoughts on *why* things happened as they did. I'm looking at the world through the wrong lenses. It's hard to really see where my cognitive distortions end and the real world begins.

Whatever the next one is going to be-these experiences will help. They have to, I have to make it so. Otherwise my time was really was wasted and that's just kind of pathetic. I don't mean that as a statement charged with self-loathing. I state it as fact. It's my truth.

I've been told before that my fixation on appearances is just my way of preventing me from seeing what's really going on. The distorted thinking is just how I keep myself from taking full responsibility for my actions.

I focus too much on what I am, and not enough on what I do. What I am may be damn well good enough (and then some) but what I do is just so darn dumb that it takes away from it.

I think maybe I went with the BPD relationship because her behavior only affirmed the thoughts I've had about myself. Like, someone who cheats and feels no remorse for it is something I've come to understand what people are like. That when they find someone physically better, then I deserve to be chucked aside (if temporarily) so they could have their fun. I can't do anything about it because that is my lot in life. These are feelings and aren't fact. But the reason I stayed with someone who cheated, and had emotional affairs (which were slightly worse somehow,) was because it conformed to my view of the world and my feelings about myself. Someone who knew they had other options would have left a long time ago. I didn't because "this is how it works," and also because part of me thought if I can prove to be better then them-then I'm worthy. I'm almost always competing with others.

Point is, my relationship with a Cluster B was almost inevitable given my "understanding" of the world and my level of emotional maturity. But I'll only keep getting into these kinds of relationships again and again unless I stop and fix the REAL problem. Which is me. Not necessarily me, the body, the phenotype, the blah blah blah. But the ME deep inside, the soul that exists at the very core of all the biological gears and mechanisms. Somewhere the synapses went haywire and the filter is all messed up-so I'm interpreting everything a certain way because stimuli pass through and pretty much change color (or shade) by the time they get to my brain. The end result? My soul suffers, and my limited time on this earth is stifled. Something must be done, I need to face my REAL demons.

That's the long way of saying this is about growth opportunity for the future. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Although I must say that these days, I'd be far less distraught by some of her actions as I discovered that it's not that I see them as betrayal-it's because I'm afraid of what they imply of ME. Does that make sense? I don't want to sound too abstract.

Yes, it makes sense.  Human nature is complex and I like opting for simple; to me it's about maintaining our center.  We're either centered or we're not, and women in general will test that center, they can't help themselves, because they're testing our masculine strength to see if they can trust us and if they'll be safe.  It was impossible for me to stay centered with my ex, because nothing made sense and her moods and behaviors were totally unpredictable, and of course she blamed me for everything and once I was uncentered I took it to heart, sucky place to be.  So it's about staying centered and the right woman will help us stay there and appreciate our strength.

The places where I really failed, as I'm trying to understand and accept is for me. I want to end or at least have the right mindset to deal with my distorted thinking. If enough therapists tell me that my thinking is distorted, then they're worth having a listen. If my thoughts are warped, then so are my thoughts on *why* things happened as they did. I'm looking at the world through the wrong lenses. It's hard to really see where my cognitive distortions end and the real world begins.

Whatever the next one is going to be-these experiences will help. They have to, I have to make it so. Otherwise my time was really was wasted and that's just kind of pathetic. I don't mean that as a statement charged with self-loathing. I state it as fact. It's my truth.

I've been told before that my fixation on appearances is just my way of preventing me from seeing what's really going on. The distorted thinking is just how I keep myself from taking full responsibility for my actions.

I focus too much on what I am, and not enough on what I do. What I am may be damn well good enough (and then some) but what I do is just so darn dumb that it takes away from it.

I think maybe I went with the BPD relationship because her behavior only affirmed the thoughts I've had about myself. Like, someone who cheats and feels no remorse for it is something I've come to understand what people are like. That when they find someone physically better, then I deserve to be chucked aside (if temporarily) so they could have their fun. I can't do anything about it because that is my lot in life. These are feelings and aren't fact. But the reason I stayed with someone who cheated, and had emotional affairs (which were slightly worse somehow,) was because it conformed to my view of the world and my feelings about myself. Someone who knew they had other options would have left a long time ago. I didn't because "this is how it works," and also because part of me thought if I can prove to be better then them-then I'm worthy. I'm almost always competing with others.

Point is, my relationship with a Cluster B was almost inevitable given my "understanding" of the world and my level of emotional maturity. But I'll only keep getting into these kinds of relationships again and again unless I stop and fix the REAL problem. Which is me. Not necessarily me, the body, the phenotype, the blah blah blah. But the ME deep inside, the soul that exists at the very core of all the biological gears and mechanisms. Somewhere the synapses went haywire and the filter is all messed up-so I'm interpreting everything a certain way because stimuli pass through and pretty much change color (or shade) by the time they get to my brain. The end result? My soul suffers, and my limited time on this earth is stifled. Something must be done, I need to face my REAL demons.

Good for you vatz, I'm in the same place; motivated by the pain of the relationship and committed to learning and growing so it never, even happens again.  And the resulting growth ends up being the gift of the relationship.  There is no wrong way of thinking though, don't make yourself wrong, there are only disempowering and empowering beliefs, mindsets and values.  It's good to look at all of those with someone supportive who can go there with you nonjudgmentally, in fact it has to start there, and then we can take our empowered selves out into the world.  Take care of you!

[Vatz]

Also, I wonder if having a risk-taking personality may contribute to dating and staying with a BPD.

Years ago, my dad said something to me and I'll always remember it. He told me why I kept holding things off til later, or why I found myself in such situation. "You need the adrenaline. That's why you do it. For some reason, you just have to have your nerves rattled. So you look for stress. That's why you're so stressed."

It hit me and looking back at my life, and my relationship with my BPD, those risks were probably a big contributor in why I stayed.

Is she going to cheat? or won't she?

She cheated, but is she going to leave me?

"Hey baby, was he better than me?"

Wrestling sharp objects away from her? Felt so alive in that moment.

When she started arguments with strangers, and I had to stand in between them in case the person started swinging? You better believe I was in it for the thrill.

I'm starting to see part of the reasons why I stayed. No one stays in a relationship that doesn't fulfill one's needs. I was attracted to danger and she gave me that danger. I kept coming back because maybe there was a thrill to it all. The problem I think is that I was engaging in maladaptive behavior in order to get this need met. It was more than just an affirmation of my own negative and hypercritical inner-monologue, it was a chance to prove it wrong. But the thing about all that is, nothing was proven. I'm still self-conscious, but I'm also still a risk-taker so I feel the need to go out and talk to people because "I gotta see how this ends." I'm still me. I think the real work is to build the best version of me. Not for someone else, not to win the attention of the opposite sex-but because there comes a point when one must find that balance between accepting who they are while continually seeking to improve. Sorta off topic at this point so I'll leave it there.

[fromheeltoheal]

I can relate again vatz.  Being in a high-conflict relationship with someone who lives in continual chaos makes us feel alive.  It's like being in an emergency situation, reacting in the moment, doing what needs to be done, and then later reflecting back and discovering we've never felt more alive.  The actual relationship with my ex was never what I wanted and my needs weren't even remotely being met, but I stayed for the buzz, and didn't really see it that way when I was in it, that came much later after I was out, and around here we call it the conflict between the head and the heart, but lately I look at it as the conflict between what is grounded, centered and sane, and what is that buzz.

It's been a long time now since I left her, and I'm connecting with all of this because it's still happening for me, with other people.  Sure, she lives in perpetual chaos, but so do I in a sense, putting the needs of that adrenaline fix ahead of what I rationally need to be doing to realize my dreams and long-term goals.  For me it's about staying centered, slowing down, meditation helps, not overloading my life with a bunch of 'stuff', moving at a slower pace, which is difficult and feels unnatural, but there's a peace there and great contentment too.  I'm starting to accept that that's the way I need to live, the body can't move at breakneck speed anymore, and I really don't need the stress.