Setting him up for failure

[EaglesJuju]

I have not posted on here in a while, because my bf decided it was best for me to "move on and find someone who can treat me the way I should be treated." We stopped talking for approximately three months and I honestly thought I would not hear from him again.

He contacted me a month ago and we have been talking daily. This is quite a change from the last year, where he had such a problem even hearing my voice or reaching out.  He has improved dramatically. He has taken responsibility for his past behavior, is improving his communication skills, stopped self-sabotaging behaviors, taking initiative to not be so defensive, and is working on his self-loathing. I am really proud of him for working on himself so much. 

We have been communicating about anything and everything, even feelings. The communication has been really great and we have not been able to communicate like this for years. It is great to not hold back and express myself.

Although things are going really well, in the back of my mind, I am almost waiting for him to drop the ball so to speak. I have no reason to really think that, because his behavior/words are completely opposite of that fear. In my mind, I am almost setting him up for failure.

I have told him about how I do this sometimes and he is really understanding and supportive. He said it was understandable considering the past.  I feel bad that I even think this way. It is like I am not giving him a chance, when he is dedicated to working on his issues.

Has anyone else had this problem and if so what have you done to work on it?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

In a way something similar happened in my marriage. My H decided ( I'm not sure why) to make changes and he has done better. It has not been completely linear but there has been steady change for both of us. I have to say that I think it is more that our traits matched up to cause the issues than any full condition.

I do have problems with trust and not feeling as if the other shoe might drop. I don't know if it is specific to him or any romantic relationships- I'm not in one with anyone else, but I think I would feel the same way- because I think it is that being intimate and therefore vulnerable- involves our fears of being hurt.

That is my issue and I do feel badly that I seem to be the one who could be holding things back, or on the other hand, it may be that I am now realistic about the potential for feeling hurt with anyone, now that I have experienced it whereas I had not felt like this in other relationships ( probably because I really had not had a long term one like marriage).

I think being vulnerable is hard, and that some of us have difficulty with this. However, I see these things as works in progress. We are slowly getting better. It isn't an immediate overnight thing. If you see my other post, the fears can be triggered easily, but they are ours to deal with. If I expect my H to take me as I am, I have to do the same for him.

I try not to feel badly about what I am feeling. It is who we are in the moment. I think we can feel things and not necessarily act on them if we choose not to.  So is choosing to act in a loving way. They say love is a choice, not a feeling.

[formflier]

This is a good problem to have!   

I think a slight nuance in the way you think about it... .might turn this into a positive.

Especially considering all the knowledge you have gained from bpdfamily.

If the analogy switched from waiting for the other shoe to drop... .to wondering if you are ever going to need to go get that toolbox out of the shop that you haven't used in a while... .that would be better.

Ok ladies... .I know... toolbox in shop... .probably doesn't work well for you gals.  Hoping someone can suggest something similar... but feminine.

Anyway... .I try to look at it this way.  I really hope I never have another major plumbing leak in my house.  I haven't gotten out those tools in about two years.  But I know exactly where the toolbox is... .and while it wouldn't be fun... .I can fix any plumbing issue that happens.

Same thing sorta happened/is happening in my r/s.  We had a months long relative good period.  Now we have started to move... .major changes... .stress goes up... .and guess what seems to be "full on" back.

Text bombs, accusations... .mind reading. 

Yeah... .for a couple days I was a bit rattled... .her last round of shenanigans I "observed" rather than "participated" in.  Really didn't hurt me any.

Hope this helps.

Really awesome you guys are talking again... .keep the updates coming!   

FF

[ColdEthyl]

I like how you put that, FF! Perhaps it's not so much that you are setting him up for failure, but that you are more mindful of what could happen.

[Cole]

You are definitely not alone wondering when the other shoe will fall. My w has had short period of time where the BPD seems to have disappeared, only to have it come roaring back out of nowhere and even worse than before.

The question I would have is, "What changed and why is he acting differently?" Is this just a temporary period of stability? Is this just manipulation? Or has he received some much needed help?

I cannot give you any advise on putting your guard down, as the above question needs answered, first.  

[formflier]

  but that you are more mindful of what could happen.

It still doesn't mean that when "it" happens... .that can be big plumbing leak... or dysregulation... .that it doesn't contribute to us feeling bad... .being ticked off... .unhappy... whatever.

Just know that you have handled much worse... .this too shall pass.

If you live on the coast... .every so often a bad storm will come through.  Maybe even a horrible hurricane. 

Yes... you could avoid that by moving away from the coast.  But... you would miss out on some great fishing... .and some great walks on the beach at sunset... . 

FF

[Sadly]

I am really really happy for you. It will never happen for me because he doesn't want me anymore, I am too old for him, etc etc, but mainly it won't because he is in complete and total denial, I am the one with the problem so he wouldn't be working on himself to get to the point yours has.

However, how can you not be wary, you would not be human if you were not. How incredible that you can tell him and he accepts it. I am not saying that you should or could stop looking for those nasty little red flags, I think it must become an ingrained habit to all of us.

You are not setting him up for failure you are just realistically setting yourself up to defend yourself if necessary and how could you not do that, it surely must be instinctive.

All the best in the world for both of you. x

[Daniell85]

I never put my guard down.

My boyfriend tells me that is the main problem with me. Because the "other shoe" has dropped so many times from him, I am extremely alert to anything happening. Hyper alert?

So I see things all the time and feel upset. Traditionally I have queried him on those things and as a result, there has been conflict because he says I am just irritating and he is tired of it.

That is my lack of trust is the seed of conflict according to him. According to me, it's more complex than that.

I think that your boyfriend sounds like he is making a lot of effort. Maybe it's just as simple as letting time pass and your trust being rebuilt to some degree.  

[EaglesJuju]

The question I would have is, "What changed and why is he acting differently?" Is this just a temporary period of stability? Is this just manipulation? Or has he received some much needed help?

I presume that he finally has taken therapy seriously and made profound changes.  Even when he was at his worst, I never thought of his behavior as vindictive or manipulative. I know he is sincere, remorseful, and is determined to make changes. I have always been optimistic about him actually working on himself. I am thrilled that he has made so many improvements not only for me, but himself too.

With that being said, I know this all has to do with my issues, not his. I have already have told him that I cannot and will not deal with any of the things that happened throughout the last year. I think it is my fear that things may possibly revert back to that. He has reassured me many times that it is not going to be like that. I have directly told him my fear of that. He said he understands completely and would feel the same way if he was in my shoes.  It's not so much that he will dysregulate, but his self-destructive behavior and doing some of the stuff he in the past.

I understand that it is likely to deal with dysregulation and his mood swings. Hell, he even told me that it's a problem that he is going to have for the rest of his life. That is understandable. He has to deal with my anxiety and has been pretty great with being supportive and understanding. He said, "EaglesJuju, you have been so support of me for the longest time and I have been really selfish, I want to be there for you like I should have during your toughest times."

Notwendy, it is hard to get to a point where I feel completely vulnerable. I think time may fix this with me continuing to work on my issues. I have always been a really trusting person, albeit a lifetime of poor boundaries.    I have worked on boundaries in therapy though.

Formflier, it is really awesome that we are talking again. For those of you remember my story, it is actually unbelievable in a way.

ColdEthyl, I agree with you. Maybe it is a part of me being mindful. 

[waverider]

You may find that you would also view any partner you had the same way, you can't relax any more in the comfort of blissful ignorance thinking the coziness of "honeymoon" phases last forever.

You know too much about what can go wrong, as FF says its about having confidence in your tools and being aware rather than wary. Your radar will pick up any flight deviations and obstacles before you hit anything. you are not flying blind anymore.

If he has done a lot of work don't undermine him or it could cause a premature crash in his progress.

[formflier]

If he has done a lot of work don't undermine him or it could cause a premature crash in his progress.

You know... .this could actually be the most appropriate thing.

Break it into two parts.

1.  Understand what you can do to support and make things better in his treatment/recovery... .and focus there.

2.  Make sure you understand areas where he may still be struggling... maybe call it his weakest link.  Focus there on not triggering... .giving space.

Both of these strategies seem (to me) to be forward looking... hopeful... .supportive.

Looking at the past and worrying about a shoe dropping... .seems to be looking backwards.

EaglesJuju,

The biggest thing you both have going for you is self awareness... and you are asking the right questions.



FF

[EaglesJuju]

I am really really happy for you. It will never happen for me because he doesn't want me anymore, I am too old for him, etc etc, but mainly it won't because he is in complete and total denial, I am the one with the problem so he wouldn't be working on himself to get to the point yours has.

I was told for a very long time that I was the problem of everything and anything wrong in his life. I believed that as well. In retrospect, it was all projection.  He even confirmed that he projected and blamed me for all of his stuff. Regardless of why someone does that, it still hurts. I am sorry that you had go through that. It really is crappy.  

You are not setting him up for failure you are just realistically setting yourself up to defend yourself if necessary and how could you not do that, it surely must be instinctive.

I think that it is a way of protecting myself. It is instinctual because you almost expect instability and erratic behavior. As great as it is with stable behavior, it is almost foreign.  I suppose I am so used to worrying and having anxiety. With my own therapy I have been making strides with just being able to relax. I have had horrible anxiety for the bulk of my life and not having anxiety was strange in a way. I never felt that way before. I think you get accustomed to things in a way.  

That is my lack of trust is the seed of conflict according to him. According to me, it's more complex than that.

I think that there is a lot of complication in these types of relationships. It is never cut and dry. Do you think you can rebuild trust with him?

Looking at the past and worrying about a shoe dropping... .seems to be looking backwards.

I realize that I am doing this. I think it is going to take time for me.

[Daniell85]

If he actually cared about how his cheating effected me and was making effort to regain my trust, being open, not lying, not being disrespectful to me... .eventually trust might be possible.

At the moment, he made clear he doesn't care how I feel about it. ( he told me it's irritating to have to deal with my mistrust and it makes him mad)  As a result I am fast losing my love and motivation to stay. I committed to my own self to wait and see for about 6 more months. That is under the conditions I am using the tools I learned here. If I don't see significant improvement, I will end the relationship and move on.

[EaglesJuju]

If he actually cared about how his cheating effected me and was making effort to regain my trust, being open, not lying, not being disrespectful to me... .eventually trust might be possible.

Is he currently cheating on you?

[babyducks]

Although things are going really well, in the back of my mind, I am almost waiting for him to drop the ball so to speak. I have no reason to really think that, because his behavior/words are completely opposite of that fear. In my mind, I am almost setting him up for failure.

Has anyone else had this problem and if so what have you done to work on it?

Hi Eagles,

Yes, I have had a similar problem.  My relationship hit a very bad patch.  Suffice to say an argument turned violent and I ended up with a broken hand.   Surgery, a rod and 4 screws.   We were apart for a while after that.

As we started to work our way back together, I found myself experience some of what you seem to be describing.   A kind of standing on jello type of feeling.

As notwendy said, I found our path back together to be not linear.   very meandering.   for me there was a lot of tension between past/present, head/heart, fear/longing, resentment/trust.

probably the single best thing I did was put maintaining my own comfort level as the number one priority.   and to be honest about it.   

oddly, in some places my feelings didn't catch up to the new reality for quite some time.  I guess my feelings weren't ready to be done about a couple of things.   

I am reminded of the old chestnut that time takes time.   I know  .    for me I need time to pass so a 'new' history was laid down and the old history began to fade from view.

'ducks

[EaglesJuju]

oddly, in some places my feelings didn't catch up to the new reality for quite some time.  I guess my feelings weren't ready to be done about a couple of things.  for me there was a lot of tension between past/present, head/heart, fear/longing, resentment/trust

This is exactly how I feel. 

I have told him that it is going to take time for me to work through it all. He told me last night that he is not going anywhere, is there for me, we are in this together, and will get through this.  I really cannot ask for anything better than that. That epitomizes support and reciprocity. I feel somewhat guilty after he tells me things like this.

I am reminded of the old chestnut that time takes time.   I know  .    for me I need time to pass so a 'new' history was laid down and the old history began to fade from view.

I am curious what is the old chestnut?   

[babyducks]

I am curious what is the old chestnut?   

Time Takes Time.   I think it's a quote from a 12 step program.  I walked around saying it for a while.  I felt somewhat foolish.  but strangely it seemed to help.

[Daniell85]

I dont know if he is cheating. He does have the ow as a contact on social sites. He denies it. He blocked me from being able to see. But, we have mutual friends, and they verify she is there. He shows a lot of contempt for me over it.

I cant trust someone who is lying to me. I have gone quiet on it to him.

[EaglesJuju]

I dont know if he is cheating. He does have the ow as a contact on social sites. He denies it. He blocked me from being able to see. But, we have mutual friends, and they verify she is there. He shows a lot of contempt for me over it.

I cant trust someone who is lying to me. I have gone quiet on it to him.

I am not that familiar with your history, is it possible that they are just talking in a friendly manner?  Or do you consider communicating with the OW cheating? 

I understand how hurtful lying is. It is a breach of trust. It is up to you to decide whether you will be able to trust him again.

[patientandclear]

If he has done a lot of work don't undermine him or it could cause a premature crash in his progress.

Waverider, can you explain what you mean by undermining in this context? I'm wondering if I did that when my ex had done some reflection and rejected some damaging prior concepts, but still obviously had some problematic instincts that ended up being very hard for me to deal with because I was scared of a repeat of past patterns. What are you thinking of when you say "undermining" in a period of rapprochement like Eagles is experiencing, which reminds me of my experience earlier this year which crashed, possibly in part because his capacity to hear my fears was still pretty limited?

[waverider]

When we have been hurt our scarring can sometimes make us unable to believe changes. All new changes are fragile and take effort to achieve, we can shatter these small gains easily by being overly suspicious of them.

Obviously that doesn't mean take everything at face value, but we need to be aware of not projecting our lack of faith. It doesn't take much for a pwBPD to give up, especially if they feel they are a failure in the eyes of others.

[Daniell85]

Boyfriend says he is not talking to her. He also says she is not on his social pages.   He's lost credibility with me.

[formflier]

He's lost credibility with me.

So... .do you see a pathway for him to regain this credibility?

What is the future of the r/s if he doesn't take steps to regain credibility?

FF

[Daniell85]

There is no future. I decided to stop actively trying to fix things. Mostly because that is what causes situations that lead to panic attacks for me, and partly because I am curious what he will do now that I have pulled back. In the last 4 days or so he has reverted to calm, polite, and respectful in our interactions. I feel troubled about the situation.

I will start my own thread in the next few days. 

[EaglesJuju]

When we have been hurt our scarring can sometimes make us unable to believe changes. All new changes are fragile and take effort to achieve, we can shatter these small gains easily by being overly suspicious of them.

This past weekend has helped me to slowly start believing again.  We had a disagreement and afterwards I was expecting one of his "you should move on" responses, but I actually received the opposite. I really think the disagreement and resolution helped me to let go a lot of my fears. 

[babyducks]

Eagles

I am happy to hear it.  Having concrete evidence of chance is kind of wonderful and pretty stunning.

'ducks

[EaglesJuju]

I am happy to hear it.  Having concrete evidence of chance is kind of wonderful and pretty stunning.

It was pretty amazing. I actually believe that this may work out and eventually be "healthy."