She is the "pick of the litter".
Same here! That is a really messed up place to be and it creates a lot of internal conflict and confusion.
In my opinion... .the reason that her brother and sister are so much worse off... .is that the parents keep giving... .and kids don't learn at all. Wife has asked for things or more equal treatment and has been told many times no because it's already been given to others... and they "need" it more than we do.
Yep, I have heard the "need" line quite a bit. My mother can drop everything to babysit for my nieces kids or run them wherever they need to go. If I need a sitter, I will get a list of things that she is busy doing. In my opinion, it isn't because other people need it more. It is because other people kiss my mother's butt better. My mother has to be able to control you and your kids in order for her to actually be willing to help out.
So... .she will spend lots of time complaining and b$tching to me about how bad they are... .it's almost like or is like... .she is trying to grab affection from them by giving them so much access to kids.
That makes a lot of sense. The easiest way to get my mother's affection is to let her control stuff by giving her access to the kids or whatever else she wants. One of the reasons that I don't ever want to divorce my husband is that the kids and I are much safer with him than if I was a single mom. If I was a single mom, my mother would swoop in and try to save me and would try to take over and would eat me alive. I have seen her do it to my sisters and their kids. I want my kids to be protected from the BS more than I want my mother's affection.
If it tells you anything, my kids don't like to spend time with my parents. The oldest says that grandma's reality is broken. The other day, my parents stopped by and tried to get one of the kids to go with them. The kid said no even thought grandma tried to lay a rather heavy guilt trip on her. It took me saying, "It is okay if you don't want to say no." After grandma left, my daughter and I talked about how guilty grandma made her feel for not wanting to go.
I am sharing a lot of my story because I think might be helpful to show that it is soo difficult to break free from a FOO like this. It requires a boat load of self awareness. And it requires a boat load of strength. My brother and I have talked about how easy it is to get sucked back in. It took him being in prison for 7 years and going through cognitive intervention.
And, if her FOO is messed up like mine, doing something to go against them like saying no to time with the kids is a scary proposition. In my FOO, NO is not something that is allowed. If you say NO, then there will quite likely be some kind of retribution when you least expect it.
Then... .she tosses in my face that I should love her foo... be happy... because of how much help they give us with the kids... .
I am going to take a wild guess here. . .I am guessing that she is probably repeating what she has been told repeatedly over the years. I have been put in the position where I was expected to feel grateful for the "HELP" that my parents have given us. In some cases, it was help that I didn't want or need. It was my parents putting their nose in where it didn't belong. I was expected to love them and fall all over myself and be happy because of the help they were giving me. If I had bought into their BS, I would be exactly like you describe your wife.
So... .one quick example of how "they" screw up the kids.
I know how my FOO has screwed up the kids for my sisters. Some stuff was obvious but some stuff wasn't so obvious. The examples in my situation are numerous and range from super small stuff, like being super invalidating, to big stuff like pitting the parents against the kids. I am with my kids day in and day out and my mother will come over and tell me stuff about my kids like she knows them better than I do. My 11 year old has flat out said, "Mom, how come grandma only comes over when she needs something?" My kids see the inequity and it makes them soo mad. I know that things would be a lot more equal if I could just suck it up and let my parents do what they want. Since I stand firm and keep a distance and protect my kids from them, I get "punished" for it.
As long as your wife has them painted white, she will likely be subject to their whims. Before my husband became aware of his mother's BS, he put up with quite a bit. I feel like I had to try to find a way to get his mother into the gray area before I could get her out of our lives.