How do you respond to "lecturing"?

[zondolit]

Hi all,

One thing my uBPD husband does often is to "lecture" me. Typically this means he goes on a long (20-minute plus) monologue in which he is at great pains to explain to me something I've done wrong (in his view) and how it should be instead.

I find these lectures condescending, paternalistic, and infuriating. I also find myself freezing--walking on eggshells--because I sense that he could easily be triggered into a rage. So I try to calmly endure the lecture, but I don't like it.

Interestingly, while his other negative BPD traits--anger, dismissiveness, confusion, defensiveness, etc.--have been on display in various sessions in our two years of marriage counseling, the lecture has not. Nor have I come across this lecture trait in books about BPD.

Back in 2013, wishfulthinking wrote this in a post titled "My husband lectures me":

My uBPDh takes FOREVER to discuss something he deems as an issue or offensive. . .  These corrections (in his mind, my mind calls them sermons) last at LEAST half an hour. . . NOW, I'm not talking rages, just when they are calm but still offended by your heartbeat or something.

and Chosen responded:

it's easier to realise that you're getting nowhere with any type of conversation when your H is raging . . .  But with lectures it's much harder, and I have tried to walk away or something but that just launches another lecture . . .

What I do now is to have a very consistent response (in tone, wording, attitude).  Say he says "You are using the wrong tone."  You may not feel you are but JADEing doesn't help.  What I may do is "Hmm.  Maybe you're right.  I will watch my tone when I speak."  He is almost never satisfied with that, since he wants an apology from me.  Then he will probe further.  I will just repeat "Yes.  I will watch my tone when I speak."  when he brings it up again and again. 

So this is helpful and I'm going to give it a try, but I'm still wondering: Do others experience the "lecture" from their BPD partner? (Or maybe this is more a narcissistic trait?) If yes, what helps you in this situation?

Many thanks.

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[Cat Familiar]

  I’m often the one accused of lecturing. OOPS!

Thankfully I haven’t encountered this problem in my relationship, but perhaps as an accused lecturer, maybe I can be of help.

My mind works more on a mechanistic model whereas my husband is more creative visually and verbally.

So lots of times things don’t get put away properly, get put back together incorrectly, etc.

When I try and explain things to him, he often gives me a blank look that indicates to me that either he doesn’t understand, but probably more likely that he’s impatient or irritated with having to listen to me rather than think his own thoughts.

So, I press on, and voila, I’m lecturing!

From a meta perspective what’s occurring here is that I’m not getting any validation that he’s understanding what I’m saying. If he were to say, “Yes, I see that I need to lift the flap and look to see if ice is stuck in the ice maker,” then I’d know he was following along and I wouldn’t need to be repetitive or go into so much detail.

Perhaps try letting him know that you are understanding and following along with what he is saying, and perhaps that will short-circuit the drawn out lecture.

Or it could be that he has some narcissistic traits where he likes to show how smart he is, or how in command he is. Or it could be a combination.

My sympathies. Try responding in some different ways and see if you can shorten the duration of these lectures.

[AlwaysMean]

I know each of our journey's are different. I used to be kept up until 430 each morning and have to go to work the next day at 730 because I needed to hear something that I have done. Reasoning and Logic never worked. If acknowledged his emotions and asked what you would like me to do about it then this was a gate way for him to take more and more of me away from myself. Finally, I slowly built enough strength to say, "I heard enough, I have feeling too I have to take care of and walk away." At first he tried to always guilt me for it but I had to believe that I was taking care of myself. Sometimes he mentions that he can't share his feelings on certain things because I will walk away. Although it was gotten him to get straight to the point when lecturing/badgering(?) and work out a solution if he feels it is that important. We are down to two hours tops. Best of luck

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi zondolit, 

Oh the lecture! My H wasn't BPD, but he had many traits that sure reminded me of my uBPDm. The lecture was pretty awful. I hated it too. At first I tried so hard to listen and just hope that he got it out of his system, but the harder I tried, the longer the lectures got and the shorter my patience got. Do you end up feeling wounded and so much 'less than' as a person?

Eventually I realized that it was important that I keep myself emotionally safe. That meant that I stopped giving him the opportunity to lecture me. I either would go find something else to do, or literally keep track of the time limit I set which might be 2 minutes. I could say something that was validating to him such as, "I can see where that would be frustrating. I would be frustrated too," and then walk away. You are validating but not agreeing with him that you are to blame.

Hang in there!

 
Wools