My BPD wife is giving the silent treatment and headed for divorce. PLEASE HELP

[purple_red]

Hello all,

I'm new here and this is my first post!

I've had quite the holiday! I transitioned from a great weekend with my wife of 4.5 years (relationship of six) and our friends to unexpected silent treatment from wife on the following Monday that has lasted for a week now. I initially gave my wife space thinking that she was just having a bad day. We'd gone shopping for art supplies to begin painting together and to dinner/movie the night before with no problems whatsoever.

After a second day of the silent treatment, I spoke with her family (that I'm very close with) and found out that she was considering divorce due to feeling lonely/ignored and not being taken on trips during the holiday. I'm normally a nice, thoughtful person and I could see some valid points made. I began trying to rectify this by cooking meals for her, doing extra cleaning, and offering to spend some additional time together as a family in town or take a trip.

I've been dealing with the uncertainty of a very likely layoff coming in a few weeks and have been trying my best to avoid spending additional money on extra things around the holidays but she has ramped up her spending on unnecessary things such as extra clothes, perfume, etc. which has made it difficult to discuss taking any trips and put me in a stressful situation leading into all of this.

Her responses to my effort were to continue with the silent treatment and ignore the meals that I'd made her. I tried to spend some time out but always wanted to come back quickly in the hopes that we would reconcile. After coming back from the gym, she sat me down and told me that she was divorcing me and there was nothing I could do about it citing very small grievances related to her loneliness. She wouldn't listen to my reasoning or logic at all and was acting like a different person. This is a behavior that I'd seen from her in the past many times. She has routinely shut down for a few days and refused all of my attempts at contact. The threat of divorce has been hung over my head countless times for the smallest (and very odd) reasons. She seems to have more conviction this time and said that she'd hired a lawyer which was shocking for me. I deal with depression and anxiety myself for which I take medication and this hit me really hard. I  was distraught and asked for explanations to which I got no answers or reaction to. It was numbing. She said that she had begun speaking to her ex and was excited by him. She said that she wouldn't care if I died or killed myself because she'd get the life insurance. She acted like she had no memory of all of the fun we've had together in the past. I found that she'd been tearing down my character with her friends, our mutual friends, her family, and her boss while informing them of her decision. She won't let me interact or even feed our dog and will come and take her away. I heard her making bizarre statements to her lawyer: "He bought me two designer bags and a necklace this year and nothing since...he isn't serious anymore." She repeated the line about life insurance to her lawyer!  "If he commits suicide, I don't care. I get the money. Just don't make a mess." She used my credit card to sign up for six months of a dating app and then locked me out of the card. She removed me from her family group chats and blocked me.

I informed my family of what's going on and they're all shocked/angry. I spoke with her family again and they are also completely caught off guard by all of this and embarrassed by her behavior. They know that we have occasional problems (generally due to complaints of loneliness or not receiving enough validation/gifts to display my love) but all know us to be generally very loving and to have a special relationship with each other. Her family had always had the opinion that there she had some mental health issues going on with her but had been unsuccessful in helping her in the past because they've been unable to reason with her or control her. She'd believed she had an issue in the past and had been tested for bipolar disorder but claimed the the doctor gave her a clean bill of health. I've always thought that she struggled with depression and anxiety as well but she always refused my help and belittled me for seeking help for those same issues myself.

I began to seek out information about potential mental health issues that she could be dealing with and finally came across BPD. I didn't know much about it before but as I began to read descriptions and stories here, the alarm bells set off and it became quite obvious to me that this was plaguing our relationship. She has constantly made threats to leave, belittled/degraded me, been occasionally physically violent, given me and others the silent treatment for very small grievances, demanded gifts OR ELSE, been disconnected from her work, had bizarre spending habits with no thoughts of the repercussions, unpredictable mood swings,  and claims that I trigger her and cause all of the problems in our relationship. I love her so much and have learned to deal with this over time for the most part. In the past months, her behavior has been especially erratic and it's been a lot to deal with while dealing with the uncertainty of my professional future. We recently signed a long lease together and made big purchases together (furniture, etc.) when we made our most recent move. My wife is a not citizen of our country and would likely have to move back to her home country as a result of a divorce. Even if that weren't to happen, we live in an area with a high cost of living and I am the majority of our income. It's very unlikely that she'd be able to sustain herself here and she'd lose the lifestyle she's been accustomed to.

Everything has been generally fine with us even considering the constant insults/threats that seem to be related to BPD. The abrupt decision has been very troubling to myself and both families. We all agree that is bizarre and are unsure of what's next. She has an appointment with her lawyer at the beginning of the new year and I have no idea if any of it's real or a ploy for attention.

I've seen from others on here in my reading that it's possibly best to not engage and give her space while she is going through this episode. I've done a much better job of coming to grips with the situation and have spent most of the weekend out walking, watching movies, visiting friends. She went to bar for six hours last night (Christmas Day). She NEVER goes to the bar and doesn't care for drinking. She never leaves our dog that's in poor health alone for a minute but did for hours last night. It wouldn't shock me at all if she met up with a guy from Tinder but I have no way of knowing. I'm on Day 8 of the silent treatment with no indications of that slowing down (outside of a text message to fix the broken toilet).

Would others suggest to continue to give her space and try to spend as much time outside as possible?

Should I go visit my family and give her space for a few days?

Is it the proper response to eventually tell her that I believe she is struggling with BPD if she eventually begins to talk to me again?

I don't want the divorce despite the disparaging treatment because I truly believe that she is struggling. We've always had the best relationship...except for when we didn't. I believe that I have separation anxiety and can't imagine life without her. Is it best to contest the divorce or just accept the reality and let her move forward with it?

Any suggestions at all to someone who is new to this issue despite dealing with it for years? Any suggested reading that could be beneficial? This situation is heartbreaking and I'm lost for next steps at this point as I move into the second week of silent treatment and likely divorce.

 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi purple_red, glad you reached out. What a difficult time of year to cope with your wife's emotionally intense behaviors and statements.

While I can't write at length right now, I just wanted you to know you're not alone and we see what you've shared. What you're already doing for self care is very wise -- keep up the hiking, walking, time with family and friends, etc. Staying emotionally balanced and healthy puts you in a better place to decide how you want to move forward.

And consider allowing yourself to not have to make any big relationship decisions over the next few days. The holidays can be challenging and volatile when a person in your life has a PD (personality disorder). This is all still fresh, in a way, so it's ok to take time to breathe and not rush any decisions.

I have to wrap this up, but please keep reading and learning here, and it's likely that over the next few days, as Christmas winds down here in the USA, you may get some more responses.

Take care purple_red,

kells76

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi purple_red,

I want to join kells76 and welcome you to our online family. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It sounds really tough and so confusing! It's great that you have some good support with family, especially at this time.

Holidays can be an especially difficult time for a pwBPD. Silent treatment is not uncommon as you know, but it is very difficult to go through. My uBPDm would demand things of my Dad, and when he started to make more effort to meet her needs, she shut down even more. It's strange, but somehow the reality was that my uBPDm would've had to see more of who she was in order for her to be able to emotionally approach my dad. That may not be much help, but what I'm trying to say is that a pwBPD would have to see themselves, and that is usually too painful to glimpse because of their inner hurting. Do you think that might be why your W has gone off in a surprising direction quite suddenly?

I'm sure others will pop in to offer some thoughts. Keep sharing as you are able.

 
Wools

[purple_red]

Hi kells76,

I really appreciate your reply. I understand that this is a busy time for most people and haven't been discouraged by the lack of responses. This community has educated me so much and at least given me somewhat of an understanding of what my wife and I are going through just by reading through everyone else's posts.

I return to work tomorrow and I'm planning to begin going into the office as opposed to working from home as I normally do. I hope that the additional space will be beneficial and prevent any potential conflict. I think the best I can do at this point is allow her to process this the way she needs to and try to go about my life. I was already dealing with likelihood of losing my job in the near future and all of this coming at once during this time of year has been an avalanche.

She spoke twice today. Once to ask me why I'd called her sister. I had called the night prior to make to ask her sister to check on her because she was out late in the city which is completely out of character. I did respond to her and say that I was just worried and I now regret even engaging in conversation at all. I've read some say that it's possible that this could "reset the clock with the ST.

She also told me to clean up the wine that I spilled in the kitchen so the dog wouldn't clean it. Even those words felt valuable to me at this point. I simply nodded this time. I'm doing my best to put the pieces of the puzzle together here and I'm not sure if I'm headed in the right direction or not.

I really appreciate any advice from you and others out there. Thank you so much!

[purple_red]

Hi Wools!

Thanks for your reply and for the welcome!

It's still difficult for me to grasp overall and say for sure what could have triggered this. I admit to being slightly withdrawn over the last month after finding out that it was very likely that my team would be cut by my employer as we go through layoffs. I believe that I myself shut down a bit and went into a shell and that could have made her feel ignored. I recognize this and feel guilty but I also know that this response is drastic and somewhat bizarre considering the circumstances.

I've worked hard to snap back into things and show her that I'm focused and I'm not sure if the message has been received. She's continued to spiral into more odd behaviors and I'm concerned about what might come next.

Texting an ex, signing up for Tinder on my card, cancelling all of my cards, blocking me on every platform, going out for a night at the bar despite the fact that she doesn't even drink. Now I've heard her say that she's scheduled a flight and that she's taking our dog. I don't know when or where but I'm just along for the ride at this point. This is the longest that I've ever been in ST and this is uncharted territory for me. I'm mainly concerned for her safety at this point. I've never seen her behave this way and she truly seems to be completely out of touch with reality.

It's still staggering to me that we made plans to begin painting together and went to buy supplies together two days before this began. We went to dinner and movie the next day. Then I woke up and...divorce.

This is a lot! I REALLY appreciate this network and thank you for your support.

[Notwendy]

My mother has BPD and prefers expensive items. One thing I noticed from your post is that you have changed your spending habits, due to financial concerns. While this seems logical to you, one aspect of BPD is a weak self image. I think that for my mother, having expensive things makes her feel worthy and deserving, and also in a sense, she feels entitled. The other thing is the work situation, and you have been focused on that. What your wife feels is the change in attention.


There was a point when I was a teen ager that I realized my father had financial concerns. We all cut back on spending, except for BPD mother. Dad actually took out loans at this time. The stress on him was visible.

My first advice would be to stop talking to her family about this. They are invested in her, even if she's disordered. This is triangulation. I understand you are upset and need support, but her family also is invested in you staying with her and taking care of her financially. What you need is someone objective who can be a sounding board for you and that would be your own personal counselor. You can also post here of course. Your family as well- they are invested in you emotionally and may not be objective. A counselor will be objective.

The silent treatment is a form of verbal abuse. It's punitive. Recall that all behaviors increase when reinforced. If her having silent treatment results in you trying harder to please her, then it's working for her. She has little incentive to stop doing this.

Texting an ex, signing up for Tinder on my card, cancelling all of my cards, blocking me on every platform, going out for a night at the bar despite the fact that she doesn't even drink. Now I've heard her say that she's scheduled a flight and that she's taking our dog. I don't know when or where but I'm just along for the ride at this point. This is the longest that I've ever been in ST and this is uncharted territory for me. I'm mainly concerned for her safety at this point. I've never seen her behave this way and she truly seems to be completely out of touch with reality.



So maybe she is being out of touch with reality but she's still legally responsible for her actions and you can not control her decisions, no matter how nice you try to be to her.

Boundaries are not something we place on someone else. They are what we base our decisions on how to respond. So for instance, if fidelity in marriage is a value you have, and she's on Tinder, ( on your card) - your decision is how to honor your value. One option is to cancel that card. If she wants to go on Tinder, she can figure out how to do that and if she does get active on Tinder, then you can decide what to do about that too.

I am not a lawyer, and don't have experience with this but if she does retain one, then I think it would be wise to consult on about how to protect your money. As Kell's says- don't make a decision about the relationship under stress, but you can protect yourself financially if she follows through.

I know this all sounds tough, but if she's going to divorce you because you didn't buy her enough expensive items, that is something to consider- is this the terms of your marriage.

Her sudden split to erratic behavior does sound like bipolar - and hyper spending, hyper sexuality, are part of the manic stages. I am not a professional so it's a guess here. But here's the thing- she still chooses her behavior. You are not initiating divorce, you are protecting your assets from this behavior. She can choose to get assessed and treated- she's still a legal adult. Your allowing her to drain your assets won't help either of you.

My BPD mother threatened divorce many times. She didn't follow through with it. If the threat itself is beneficial in terms of eliciting attention, then it has a secondary gain. Your wife may or may not be serious about this but you can protect your finances if she is.

[purple_red]

Hi Notwendy,

I appreciate your reply and for you telling your story.

A lot happened today and coincidentally it mostly relates to what you referenced.

I made the decision to work from the office today which I never do. I spent the whole day out and tried to give her the space. I informed my manager at work what I was experiencing and he referred me to a program that offers assistance which I really appreciated.

I was able to speak with a counselor briefly and she believed that I was correct that my wife is dealing with BPD. She said that she wouldn't rule out bipolar or PTSD as well. I'm going to begin sessions next week and get in a routine myself.

The counselor I spoke with through my employer said that that while she agreed that I shouldn't speak with her family, she would recommend at least telling them what we believe my wife is going through. I'm torn on this and did send a text asking to chat but it has gone unanswered. The counselor said that's it's crucial that my wife gets in T and then that we start marriage counseling after. I'm very hopeful that it could become a reality.

I did go to the bank today and start a new checking account. I'm torn on moving our money over to my new account because I fear that it will set my wife off. I'm just not sure what the best move is. The biggest piece of the puzzle for today...

I got home after a long day out and came home to my wife with a new designer bag, expensive earrings, and new designer clothes. I was shocked because I thought she was improving but I was clearly wrong. I feel completely at her mercy right now with no way out. I have no way to stop her from destroying our finances. I have no way to speak to her. I have no way to speak to her family and have them help out in this situation.

I'm doing my best to take it one day at a time. I'm terrified for what this means for me. Even if we survive as a couple, it's nearly certain I'll lose my job in two weeks. At this point, I have decided that I will have to leave no matter what if she refuses to seek treatment. I couldn't imagine the world I'm living in two weeks ago.

[Notwendy]

program that offers assistance which I really appreciated.

I did go to the bank today and start a new checking account. I'm torn on moving our money over to my new account because I fear that it will set my wife off.

I got home after a long day out and came home to my wife with a new designer bag, expensive earrings, and new designer clothes. I was shocked because I thought she was improving but I was clearly wrong. I feel completely at her mercy right now with no way out. I have no way to stop her from destroying our finances. I have no way to speak to her. I have no way to speak to her family and have them help out in this situation.

Even if we survive as a couple, it's nearly certain I'll lose my job in two weeks.

It sounds horrible to fear losing your job. Taking a long term perspective, if your wife has married you with the expectation of having expensive things and is willing to dissolve your marriage if you are unable to provide them, then you have to wonder about that. I hope you feel you want to be more to her than money.

We can't control what someone else does but we have to have boundaries to protect what we value. It doesn't appear you can control her spending and it's understandable that you fear setting her off, but you also fear losing all your money.

[purple_red]

Thanks for that, Notwendy!

I agree completely. There is something fundamentally wrong for those things to be expected.

I've got some big updates here since my last post. Sorry, it's been a very hectic couple of days.

I once again went into the office for work to give the extra space. I played detective and found the items she bought online. The total was...a lot. But I understand that's out of my control at this juncture.

When I returned home from work yesterday, she walked up to me and showed me a picture of me holding our dog which had posted online by a business. I smiled but didn't speak and she didn't look at me. I took this as a positive but decided not to push the envelope.

I went out for a couple hours to run errands. When I finally returned, I went about my business at home. The dog came up to me and my wife said to me that I could play with the dog because they are moving out soon. I took the bait...

I went into our bedroom with them and played with the dog. She began talking about the dog and telling me stories of what the dog had been up to for the last few days. I thought this was the beginning of something positive so I just listened and asked questions about the stories.

I eventually asked how she was feeling and this opened the floodgates. Understanding that I needed to apologize, I did so. Things took a turn for the worse when she asked what I had talked to a therapist about and she demanded to know what had been said. I told her about BPD and how that could be a possibility and it didn't sit well. There was a clear denial there but the general sentiment from her was even if that was the truth, it changes nothing and she is still leaving. There's nothing that can be done right now from her view. She did mention that she is going to a therapist which I was happy to hear. I was adamant that no matter what happened between us, I just hoped for her that she would get help and end up happy. We reviewed some of the symptoms and there were a lot of excuses made. She recorded the conversation which I didn't know. There were tears on both sides and I kept hearing about how I wasn't good enough. That she saw how I had already changed to do all the things she wanted but that it was too late. We discussed the erratic spending and she said that it wasn't erratic but normal and that she deserves nice things. I stated that we simply don't make the money to support that type of lifestyle but it just isn't registering. She said that now that she knows she has a problem, she'll keep spending and seek out sexual partners before leaving me. I'd say this conversation backfired for sure.

I'd waited days to speak but it didn't go the direction that I'd intended. I'm left now wondering if we will have another chance to reconcile or this is truly the end. I suspect that it is but I'm hopeful that the splitting will come to an end and I can convince her for us to stick it out and go to marriage counseling.

I really feel that I failed in this situation now and just wish I could have another chance at that conversation. I'm not sure it would make a difference. I'm not sure if the result was predetermined or not but I believe that I could have improved things. I'll now turn to giving space again and hoping for the best and another chance for us to speak. She still seems to have completely disconnected from all positive memories of me which is the hardest part of all of this for me.

Thank you all for your support.

[GaGrl]

Does your wife work and have her own income? Is she expecting alimony/spousal support?

Have you heard the Maya Angelo quote -- "When someone shows you who they are, believe them."

Your wife has clearly told you she is going to date and to continue spending on luxury items for herself. If she is doing this on your credit cards, you need to remove her as an authorized signer immediately. Don't have sex without protection. Put your funds in an account in your name only.

Believe her as she tells you who she is.

[Notwendy]

What's been said has been said- no point in rehashing it. But one thing stood out to me- She has said to you that she feels entitled to spend all the money she wants and have sex with other men, while spending your money and if you are nice enough, she might let you play with her dog? And your response is to fall to her feet, tell her how much you care about her while she's saying this?

If your best friend told you this about his wife, what would you say to him?

If talking were to have saved your marriage, it would have done so already. This woman isn't speaking to you as if she respects you or thinks it's wrong to treat others like that.  I wouldn't do this to someone else, because I think it's wrong to treat people like that but apparently she must be OK with doing that and you seem to be OK with letting her do that and you still are falling at her feet, and she has no reason to not do this.

Let's talk about boundaries. Boundaries reflect our values. They let nice people with similar values be close to us and keep people who don't away from us. We can't change a person's core values. We can't change them by acting nicer to them. BPD does not excuse a person's morals or values. If your wife were to murder someone, or rob a bank, she'd be accountable to the law. She knows she can't steal from the bank, because she bank has boundaries to protect what it considers valuable. The money is locked. We can't control if someone breaks our boundaries but we can have consequences. If someone robs a bank they will go to jail. Without these boundaries, people who don't have any problem with taking someone else's money would go in and help themselves.

Your wife seems to have no qualms about taking your money and cheating on you, and she does it because she can. Please consider what you value and take steps to protect that, because you can not control what she decides to do.

[purple_red]

Hi Notwendy,

You make excellent points. While I don't believe she'll follow through with the threats of cheating, all of her behavior has been immoral. I believe I've been making excuses for her in my mind and blaming all of her actions on BPD.

I will continue living my life and hope that returns to reality. The good news is that the financial blows can still be avoided by returning all of those items but it's not something I can bet on obviously.

I'm taking matters to protect my money today. I appreciate your input and recognize that I can no longer make excuses for this behavior.

[purple_red]

Hi GaGrl,

Thanks for reaching out. She does have her income but I bring in about 75% or more of our household income. I've had some compensation increases over the last couple of years that have brought this behavior out and it continues to get worse with time. There are no amount of luxuries that will fill that void in the long term I see now.

Fortunately, I found out today that I believe she is putting these on her own credit cards and not mine.

I do believe that she was making empty threats to set me off regarding other men, more spending, etc. but it would also not shock me in the slightest.

I'm in the process of moving all of money over now to protect myself.

[Couscous]

Unless your marriage regime specifies otherwise, her credit card debts will probably be considered marital debts. I suggest you contact an attorney and file for a legal separation pronto.

Would you say it was the news of your impending layoff that triggered this sudden change in her?

[Notwendy]

Hi Notwendy,

You make excellent points. While I don't believe she'll follow through with the threats of cheating, all of her behavior has been immoral. I believe I've been making excuses for her in my mind and blaming all of her actions on BPD.

My mother lacks morals too. It's been suggested she may have a covert narcissistic streak and I believe it. The PD's are on a spectrum and have overlapping symptoms but I think deciding if it's one or the other would be up to a therapist so I look at her characteristics. She has zero empathy and doesn't believe the rules apply to her. She lies, to the point that I don't know if what she is saying is true or not. She's mean and she's emotionally and verbally manipulative/abusive.

She also made accusations that she didn't follow through on.

If you need any more incentive to protect your money, I can tell you that my mother's behavior has not changed. She's been able to spend every penny my father earned and it has not made her happier. If spending money isn't going to help- then you may as well hang on to yours.