Stealing: When to confront or otherwise...?

[In India]

Our BPD daughter has a serious issue with stealing.  It was an issue in the group home that she used to live in, and was a contributing factor to the dissolution of her relationships there and to her eventually getting kicked out. Over the first seven months she lived with us she stole from us at least 3-4 times, as well as from a guest once.  Then there was a fantastic period of over six months where to our knowledge she didn't steal again... .and then last night another guest reported that her cell phone (and the IDs she had in the cell phone bag) was missing, and that some money seemed to have disappeared earlier.

The biggest issue for us is that we've never actually caught her in the act - neither while trying to steal it nor with any of the stuff afterwards.  At this point it seems impossible to deny that it's her, because in all the different situations where stuff has gone missing she's the only common factor. But there's no proof.

The first couple times it happened, when we started even getting close to confronting her about it she became emotionally disregulated very quickly and shut down. Back in late December in the most recent time it had happened, we consulted a child psychologist about it and he recommended that in our situation, confrontation wouldn't be helpful and we needed to just ensure that our stuff was secure while continuing to work with her on her general issues.

In a sense, that worked (because as far as we know we didn't have an issue with it for six months), and then boom, this happens.

Is there any advice out there? Or do we just do a better job of warning guests who visit our home and otherwise proceed as we have been?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi again In India

I've no personal experience to share with you, though many members have and hope they pop by to share their experience and advice with you.

I can understand the child-psychologist advising you so and as you say it worked though not for good, as a long term strategy as you've found out.

If you found her in the act what would you do, what would you say to her?  Did you talk with her about this before she moved in with you, as it was the reason she left her group home?

WDx

[incadove]

Can you talk to her without directly accusing her, and let her know how seriously concerned you are about the missing item, how upset your guest was, and how wrong it is for anyone to do that?   Maybe decide not to buy things your normally would for the house, because you need to reimburse your guest, such as not going out to eat or buying favorite treats?

At least letting her know your values and concerns, may have a chance of getting through to her perhaps?

Though if its a habit/addiction, it probably will be harder.  I definitely would not ignore it, but I don't know a solution that woudl definitely work.  I suppose you could set her up and catch her in the act with a phone with a tracker on it, but I'm not sure if that is a good idea.

I agree that prevention is helpful, maybe giving your guests a locker?