I never expected to be on this board so soon. :(

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Sad to report that after recommitting myself to work on the relationship, by UBPDbf has packed up and left me... .  again. I let him go. I didn't cry or plead this time. I didn't tell him things could get better, that he could get better.  I just said that he should really be sure this time, because I can't go through this again. On his previous departures I would text him and try to reason with him, try to calm him down, suggest how we could make things better for him, and then he would apologize and eventually come home. This time I have to try the NC. I've never done it before, I don't know if I can. I wonder if he he'll try to contact me if I leave him alone. I feel really shaky right now.

[mary_sunshine]

Sad to report that after recommitting myself to work on the relationship, by UBPDbf has packed up and left me... .  again. I let him go. I didn't cry or plead this time. I didn't tell him things could get better, that he could get better.  I just said that he should really be sure this time, because I can't go through this again. On his previous departures I would text him and try to reason with him, try to calm him down, suggest how we could make things better for him, and then he would apologize and eventually come home. This time I have to try the NC. I've never done it before, I don't know if I can. I wonder if he he'll try to contact me if I leave him alone. I feel really shaky right now.

[fromheeltoheal]

I've been NC for 8 months, and it is a whole lot better now, but I've been where you are.  In the beginning I made a list of all the lies, manipulations, rages, devaluations, criticisms, negative judgments, disrespects, a long list, and then connected with how those made me feel.

Then, for contrast, I reviewed this list - https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a115.htm - of healthy relationship traits.  Ours failed miserably, and the contrast proved to be the focus shift I needed.  It is not easy, sometimes it was all I could do to make it through the day, but it DOES get better.

[Siamese Rescue]

I'm where you are. I feel your pain. It's really difficult. I'm only four days out since the break up. I hope it gets better. I'm sorry you are in this position as well.

[Billa]

I'm where you are. I feel your pain. It's really difficult. I'm only four days out since the break up. I hope it gets better. I'm sorry you are in this position as well.

50 days, and it's not easier... .  

[lyndsey]

Hi Mary sunshine, in not really in a position to give anyone advice but to say iv been where you are now and not even the lord god himself would have convinced me it would get easier but it really does.

Im just over 3months NC and at the start of this journey i was a mess and thats an understatement, losing weight my mental state was awful i was a shadow of my old self. I just wanted to hear from him anything that would make the anxious horrible feelings go away... . i didnt but that was for the best it gave me some time to find myself and just last week i was dancing around doing housework such a small thing but i couldnt remember the last time i felt even a little good now im sleeping better eating better my concentration is better and thats helped me see things clearer and it really feels GOOD... . Im a long way from finding my old self but i cant wait and i know im going to make up for all the time i spent hurting analizing losing sleep and loving someone who couldnt love me back all i ever wanted was respect not a lot to ask huh . Yeah i heard from hin 3days ago all i ever wanted at the begining but its too little too late... . I never thought i would ever feel that way about him i loved him more than life its self and possibly still do but... .  would i have him back? NEVER in a million years. I know you wont feel like you can get over this but you can and you will please believe in yourself... .

Take good care,

Lyndsey Xx

[mary_sunshine]

Thanks everyone!

Billa, I am sorry it hasn't gotten easier yet. 50 days is a good start thought. I'll bet it won't be long.

Siamese Rescue, I am so sorry you are hurting. 4 days? Hang in there. 

Fromheeltoheal, thanks for the encouragement. The list is a good idea. I reread some letters I wrote when he hurt me that I never sent. It put me in touch with the bad feelings I always pushed aside as soon as he was nice to me.

And lyndsey, what a great report! I am so proud of you! OF COURSE you deserve respect! And I know you will find it. I love your attitude. I think it's great that you can acknowledge how much you loved him, but that he was incapable of loving back in the same way. And I'm impressed that even though you may still love him, you would never go back to that life... .  even when he told you everything you waned to hear. BRAVO!

I am going on 10 hours of NC. I feel okay. I don't feel angry like I usually do when he leaves, because I think deep down I know this is the best way. I just didn't have it in my heart to break up with him. I just couldn't hurt him like that. So, the fact that he chose to walk out... .  I don't have to carry the burden, if that makes sense. I have never let him go without immediately texting or calling or emailing. But this time I did, and I am. I know it's partly because of finding the support I needed here on this board. THANK YOU!

I am nervous though because this is new territory. I have no idea if he will stick to his guns, because, as I said, I have always been so quick to try to convince him to come home. I wonder if he will try to contact me if I don't initiate it. If he does... .  I don't know what will happen. As long as he leaves me alone I can let go I think. But if he calls and asks to come home... .  I just can't imagine telling him I don't want him any more. It wouldn't be true, even though I think it's for the best. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

[healingmyheart]

mary sunshine,

Boy do I know where you are and I'm going to be honest... .  it gets more painful before it gets better.  There are things you can do to protect yourself because your emotions will prevail over logic.  

1-should your ex start texting you, you will be tempted to respond.  He is your addiction and you're going to go through withdrawals.  You may need to block him from facebook and block his texts and phone calls... .  it's to help YOU because you don't want to get pulled back in right now.  You need time to heal and see things as they really are.  

2-if you aren't getting counseling, you may want to consider going... .  it's a huge help.  

3-allow yourself to cry when you reach that point.  I remember when my ex and I broke up, the first week I was in denial... .  shock so to speak because I was numb.  The next week I couldn't stop crying and I literally spent the next week in bed and it everything in my power to drag myself out of the stupor.  

4-be patient with yourself.  Some days you're going to feel strong and others days are going to be painful.  You may feel like you are taking one step forward and two backwards... .  that's ok.  

5-be good to yourself.  The first month I made a list of things to do for myself... .  little things like get a massage, buy some new makeup, take a leisurely bath, call a friend and go to lunch, etc.  Think outside the box and try new things that you've been wanting to do but haven't yet maybe because you've been so wrapped up in your relationship or just haven't had the time.  

6-continue to reach out to this board and vent.  I remember that week in bed... .  I literally was up all night one night just posted over and over and it was my release.  

7-When you are tempted to reach out to your ex, reach out to a friend instead or this board... .  


I'm 4 months out from my breakup.  I still get texts daily from my ex.  In the beginning, I would cry and it would pull at my heart strings.  Now it doesn't bother me but it's been quite the journey.  It has been painful to be alone at times.  Personal growth cannot happen until you work through that pain.  

It sounds to me that you understand now that the relationship will never work and that's why you aren't trying to go back to him.  You must move forward.  There is a good chance he will try to recycle you... .  be forewarned that you will be tempted.  

Good luck

[laelle]

Mary, I can so relate to you on this.  I was on the staying board for about 8 months trying my hardest to improve the relationship with my exbf who has BPD.

While I was more informative coming to the leaving board as i fully understood the disorder and what was driving my ex, the pain was no less bearable.

I kept and I still keep reminding myself that I cant keep adding 1+1 and getting 0.  I am tired of chasing, tired of trying to compromise with someone who can not compromise, and I was tired of my needs being stepped on and overshadowed by his needs.

I can understand your hurting, impatient and nervous.  I have heard people compare leaving a BPD relationship the same as going cold turkey to a drug addiction.

I can tend to agree from my own experience.

Its been 6 weeks for me now, and the cut your heart out pain is gone, and I am left with peace, because there is no more chaos, a bit of sadness, and hope for the future.

Hang in there... .  you did it for a very good reason.  YOU

[mary_sunshine]

Thanks for all the great tips, healingmyheart! I am now 18 hours NC approximately. I haven't cried much, I used to cry my heart out every time (I'm a very good cryer, btw). But, this time, I have felt a sort of peace. It's almost like exposure therapy. The first 10 times he left me hurt like hell, but each one was a little less painful than the last.  I told him once if you keep pushing someone away, eventually they will be away... .  and not come back into your life. I gave him a lot of my jewels of wisdom which he never appreciated. Oh well.

[mary_sunshine]

Wow, laelie, your post really resonated with me. All the things you point out are the things I have told myself. He made me feel like my needs were so trivial and everything was always revolving around him. Mainly because he has so much trouble just dealing with everyday life.

I'm glad your heart is feeling better. Hang in there. 6 months is a long time. You should feel proud of yourself. 

[mary_sunshine]

Well, I've made it through the first 24 hours of NC. But I am jonesing for him. I can't believe I haven't heard anything and I find myself imagining what he's up to. Of course I picture him having fun, flirting with other women, living it up... .  which is stupid because I'm sure he's a basket case. He always is when he leaves me.

[Validation78]

Hi Mary!

I too have been where you are. Trust us all, who have been there. Time is our friend, and it does get easier in time. You must push through the feelings, all those that come up while you break yourself of this awful stuff. We know it's destructive, yet we still want it! Huh, what's up with that? In time you will accept the dysfunction, yours and his. The thing is, you have the ability to grow and heal while you come to terms with the part you played in the dysfunctional dance. You have already taken a big step towards healing by making up your mind that this life is not for you. Keep stepping away from him, and towards the happy healthy life that is within your reach!

Best Wishes,

Val78