Do BPD spouses ever come back?

[12years]

So it’s amazing, he’s out, and isn’t coming back! I don’t think! Just to make sure I filed for divorce! I don’t want him moving back! ! It’s weird how he’s now in this new path and not turning back. But I guess that’s good. It’s just amazing how emotionless he is. There are times where there are not nice texts or phone calls, but, it seems I put him on this path, us not being together and he’s done. But I should be as he had no empathy for others ever. Has anyone experienced a set back where they try to come back? Or are they so “one tracked” that I am the enemy and he won’t ever try?

[ForeverDad]

BPD (and other PDs as well) consists of a spectrum of behaviors.  Considering that it's a disorder, then we're talking about poor behaviors.

Some leave and never come back, as may be the case with you.  Others may seem to leave but actually have you "still on the stove but simmering on the back burner".  You may not be able to determine that until the ex's next relationship or two fails and you get contacted again.

With some relationships, the ones with children, it may never be totally over due to the necessary child-related communications.

So be aware that if you're surprised in a few months or years with renewed contact, then you need to be resolved not to repeat the past.  (Well, unless you're very confident your ex has sought long-term therapy and diligently applied it in life and thinking.  Generally unlikely.)  As in, once burned twice shy.  Another is this:

This has been said so many times that I don't know if there is an original quote to cite, but I remember in the original Star Trek series the Enterprise's engineer Scotty finally exclaimed to those on the Bridge, speaking of the Klingons trying to keep luring the Enterprise away from Captain Kirk and the landing party with a second false distress signal, "Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me!"

There is no easy way to get closure from a seriously disordered ex.  So it is best to Gift yourself Closure and move on.

[livednlearned]

It's also possible that he's disassociating ... it's good that he moved out and you are safe. I would wait until you get through the divorce process and expect that throughout he will be on a roller coaster (we all do this to some extent), getting furious at you, wanting you back, and stonewalling the divorce because it's better for both to lose than you to *win*.

[MeandThee29]

Yes, it's a spectrum, so each of us has an experience that may or may not apply to a particular situation.

Mine has never wanted to come back after he moved far away, but he wants me to come with him to "start over." My therapist observed that starting over only works if you've made the changes necessary for that to work well. Going someplace new with a lot of unresolved secrets isn't healthy. A friend who worked in mental hospitals observed that the rate of failure among patients who try to start over without ongoing guidance and support is very high. That's why there are are halfway houses and specific mental health programs that seek to get them transitioned into healthy living. Over a decade of discarding, apologizing, and supposedly starting over doesn't mean you are going to make it this time. He wants no counselling and accountability for the past. I doubt I'd last long at all. Just because you say you're better doesn't mean you are better. 

I've found that staying in place and working through the memories and being open with long-term friends has been far more healing for me. Hard to do, but this is my home. I'm rarely triggered now by the memories, and my friendships are better than ever.

A friend who is a retired personal coach for partners in these types of relationships observed that the only good reconciliations she's seen (just a handful) were high-functioning already and were willing to do absolutely whatever was necessary to work on themselves.

And then I had vague hopes of a good divorce process when he decided to give up, but I'm seeing all of the same stuff. My lawyer picked up on it right away.

[MeandThee29]

There is no easy way to get closure from a seriously disorderded ex.  So it is best to Gift yourself Closure and move on.

It took me awhile to really accept this. You may even get an apology, but don't get your hopes up. The disordered thinking likely will push back through because it's the underlying pattern.