4 months later... she's sniffing around?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Well it's been 4 months since I kicked her out. Last time I saw her was a month ago when we were in court and I was granted sole custody, legal and physical, of our 9 mos old son. I've raised him pretty much alone since birth due to her being incarcerated for DV against me... .She didn't seem interested in being a parent at all, favored her crystal meth and alcohol and sleeping around... .

I was thinking to myself 2 days ago if she will ever care to have a relationship with our son... Then a few hours later contacted me, after months of NC saying she really missed our son and wants to see him, please send a picture. I obliged and sent only photos but no text, i have no desire to get into dialogue. She said thanks made my day. Despite not engaging in dialogue it still tearing at the scab I have on my heart.

And just now she texted me again asking for a favor. She asked if I could send her a copy of her resume. She said if I didnt its okay she will make another one and said I promise I wont bug you again after this.

I don't have any intentions on ever replying to anything other than what pertains to our son. But it just seems like it's an attempt to wiggle her way in. On top of that I haven't thought of her much over the ast 4 months... .5 years of pain was a good way of making me let go quick... .but this sudden interest in contacting me gives me serious PTSD. I was beating so badly by her on occasions that just seeing a text from her makes me shake. Is this a maneuver to get back into my good graces? And is just ignoring it the right way to continue on... .As I said we have a son in common.

[singledaddy]

Well it's been 4 months since I kicked her out. Last time I saw her was a month ago when we were in court and I was granted sole custody, legal and physical, of our 9 mos old son. I've raised him pretty much alone since birth due to her being incarcerated for DV against me... .She didn't seem interested in being a parent at all, favored her crystal meth and alcohol and sleeping around... .

I was thinking to myself 2 days ago if she will ever care to have a relationship with our son... Then a few hours later contacted me, after months of NC saying she really missed our son and wants to see him, please send a picture. I obliged and sent only photos but no text, i have no desire to get into dialogue. She said thanks made my day. Despite not engaging in dialogue it still tearing at the scab I have on my heart.

And just now she texted me again asking for a favor. She asked if I could send her a copy of her resume. She said if I didnt its okay she will make another one and said I promise I wont bug you again after this.

I don't have any intentions on ever replying to anything other than what pertains to our son. But it just seems like it's an attempt to wiggle her way in. On top of that I haven't thought of her much over the ast 4 months... .5 years of pain was a good way of making me let go quick... .but this sudden interest in contacting me gives me serious PTSD. I was beating so badly by her on occasions that just seeing a text from her makes me shake. Is this a maneuver to get back into my good graces? And is just ignoring it the right way to continue on... .As I said we have a son in common.

[bunny4523]

who knows?  you said she has alcohol and drug addiction.  She could be sizing you up for a loan.   What if it is to get back in your good graces?  What are your thoughts and fears about that?

Bunny

[singledaddy]

who knows?  you said she has alcohol and drug addiction.  She could be sizing you up for a loan.   What if it is to get back in your good graces?  What are your thoughts and fears about that?

Bunny

The thoughts and fears are any communication with her. Like I said before even just seeing communication from her is enough to get my hands shaking and I get flashbacks of her breaking my nose and fracturing my cheek while I was sleeping. It's unfortunate but I have to have some contact with her since we have a son, aside from that though, I wish she would just leave well enough alone. I don't feel like I should do any "favors" for her, I did them for 5 years, and all i got was grief.

[JSF13]

I understand your PTSD. I don't engage with my ex at all but just seeing her name show up in my email (The only way she can contact me) sends me over the edge. Every feeling of the abuse she put me through comes up and all the excuses and reasons she has to justify it makes me unfathomably angry.

[bunny4523]

The thoughts and fears are any communication with her. Like I said before even just seeing communication from her is enough to get my hands shaking and I get flashbacks of her breaking my nose and fracturing my cheek while I was sleeping. It's unfortunate but I have to have some contact with her since we have a son, aside from that though, I wish she would just leave well enough alone. I don't feel like I should do any "favors" for her, I did them for 5 years, and all i got was grief.

Do you have to communicate with her about your son?  I don't know where you live but a restraining order sounds appropriate.  Of course you shouldn't do her any favors, I completely agree.  I was just trying to understand where you are at.  So many people are looking for a reconcilation or recycle.  Keep her the heck away from you and your son.  At her current state, he might be better off without a mother like her around.  Sad to say but often true.

[singledaddy]

The thoughts and fears are any communication with her. Like I said before even just seeing communication from her is enough to get my hands shaking and I get flashbacks of her breaking my nose and fracturing my cheek while I was sleeping. It's unfortunate but I have to have some contact with her since we have a son, aside from that though, I wish she would just leave well enough alone. I don't feel like I should do any "favors" for her, I did them for 5 years, and all i got was grief.

Do you have to communicate with her about your son?  I don't know where you live but a restraining order sounds appropriate.  Of course you shouldn't do her any favors, I completely agree.  I was just trying to understand where you are at.  So many people are looking for a reconcilation or recycle.  Keep her the heck away from you and your son.  At her current state, he might be better off without a mother like her around.  Sad to say but often true.

I actually have 2 restraining orders against her, but when I found out she was pregnant I had them modified to allow peaceful contact in an effort to allow her to try and have a more involved relationship with our son... .When she got out she went back to drugs alcohol and physical abuse and I kicked her out and got custody. Since being away she hasnt done anything to violate me. But here we are 4 months later and contact resumes which rattles me.

I agree I think my son is better off, but the courts granted 2 hours supervised visits a week which she has not chosen to use, most likely because she's too busy druggin up to afford the 100 a week to see him. Should she ever actually use those rights my hands are tied unfortunately.

[bunny4523]

I actually have 2 restraining orders against her, but when I found out she was pregnant I had them modified to allow peaceful contact in an effort to allow her to try and have a more involved relationship with our son... .When she got out she went back to drugs alcohol and physical abuse and I kicked her out and got custody. Since being away she hasnt done anything to violate me. But here we are 4 months later and contact resumes which rattles me.

I agree I think my son is better off, but the courts granted 2 hours supervised visits a week which she has not chosen to use, most likely because she's too busy druggin up to afford the 100 a week to see him. Should she ever actually use those rights my hands are tied unfortunately.

wow, not a very fun place to be.   I think all of your fears and feelings are valid and you are taking appropriate actions to protect yourself and your son.  Keep on moving forward.  I can't imagine my loved one attacking me in my sleep... .of course that is going to mess with you.  That's horrible.  Give yourself credit for getting through that.   Hopefully she continues to value her drugs over your son and stays out of your lives.  I would actually hope that she decides to ditch that life and be a mother but not sure that is realistic.  

Did you press charges against her?  Just wondering if there is any record of the abuse?  Might help you down the road.  I know you said DV charges but wasn't sure if there were multiple incidents.

Bunny  

[singledaddy]

I actually have 2 restraining orders against her, but when I found out she was pregnant I had them modified to allow peaceful contact in an effort to allow her to try and have a more involved relationship with our son... .When she got out she went back to drugs alcohol and physical abuse and I kicked her out and got custody. Since being away she hasnt done anything to violate me. But here we are 4 months later and contact resumes which rattles me.

I agree I think my son is better off, but the courts granted 2 hours supervised visits a week which she has not chosen to use, most likely because she's too busy druggin up to afford the 100 a week to see him. Should she ever actually use those rights my hands are tied unfortunately.

wow, not a very fun place to be.   I think all of your fears and feelings are valid and you are taking appropriate actions to protect yourself and your son.  Keep on moving forward.  I can't imagine my loved one attacking me in my sleep... .of course that is going to mess with you.  That's horrible.  Give yourself credit for getting through that.   Hopefully she continues to value her drugs over your son and stays out of your lives.  I would actually hope that she decides to ditch that life and be a mother but not sure that is realistic.  

Did you press charges against her?  Just wondering if there is any record of the abuse?  Might help you down the road.  I know you said DV charges but wasn't sure if there were multiple incidents.

Bunny  

You know your statement about hoping she sticks to the drugs and at the same time hope she ditches it is exactly how I feel. Part of me hopes she's gone forever, but the empathetic/compassionate side of me hopes she changes. Part of me wishes I could just say, come on over and see your son, knowing full well she can barely afford supervised visitation, but the rational side says... .despite wanting our son to have a relationship with his mom, all it takes is one false allegation and I go to jail and she gets custody. It's pretty hard especially because I know my son needs female interaction so when he gets older he will know how to appreciate women, right now he has no female influences in his life, and the closest fam I have is 400 miles away.

Yes I pressed charges against her on the two occasions. She has so many felonies it's not even funny, 3 DV charges (2 from our relationship), false imprisonment, DUIs, posession of drugs, etc. etc. Lot's of this didn't come to light of course until I was pretty deep into the relationship. Needless to say all of these convictions, plus all the medical records I got showing she is Schizo / BPD / suicidal got me sole custody.  

[bunny4523]

It's pretty hard especially because I know my son needs female interaction so when he gets older he will know how to appreciate women, right now he has no female influences in his life, and the closest fam I have is 400 miles away.

I simpathize with you on this topic. I raised 3 boys without their fathers influence and I felt that guilt. I didn't know how they could learn to be men without a male role model atleast... .But I am here to tell you he will be ok. He will watch you and how you treat woman and he can learn from that. It's not the best situation but it is also not the worst. He is young and there is a good chance you will find someone and he will have an amazing female role model in his life.

Studies show kids just need one invested and loving parent. Some kids have two messed up parents present in their lives. Those poor kids cause they must feel alone. You are a good dad and putting your son first, protecting him. He will reap the benefits and rewards of that.

Bunny