Relapse in wanting my exBPD Back..

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Is this a normal process of moving on from an exBPD? I find my emotions, thoughts and feelings move like waves... For a week or so I’ll feel great, extremely happy and blessed having been saved from what would have been a nightmare life with her. After this, without any triggers or warnings, I seem to plummet back down into despair. I miss like crazy, I just want to be able to say I love her and hold her close again, even though she blindly and so cruelly discarded me with a replaced already lined up.

Logically I know she is no good... When her own family tells me this you know its true. But I am still just not fully embracing the feeling of freedom and hope for true love in the future. I still want to run back into her fire... However, I know in a week or two I will be back to being OK again... its driving me nuts 

[Trip09]

Is this a normal process of moving on from an exBPD? I find my emotions, thoughts and feelings move like waves... For a week or so I’ll feel great, extremely happy and blessed having been saved from what would have been a nightmare life with her. After this, without any triggers or warnings, I seem to plummet back down into despair. I miss like crazy, I just want to be able to say I love her and hold her close again, even though she blindly and so cruelly discarded me with a replaced already lined up.

Logically I know she is no good... When her own family tells me this you know its true. But I am still just not fully embracing the feeling of freedom and hope for true love in the future. I still want to run back into her fire... However, I know in a week or two I will be back to being OK again... its driving me nuts 

[burritoman]

Yep. I'm feeling the same way. Much different from my past breakups too, where I'd be in basically a steady state of depression that I just naturally climbed out of over time. This time it's like a roller coaster, just like the relationship! Just keep your distance, stay NC, and ride out the emotions. Cry if you have to, talk to friends or family, go for a drive, do some Tai Chi, take up underwater basket weaving. Whatever you have to do to get your thoughts under control. You'll find that as the days go by the ups and downs will still be there, but you'll be able to handle them better.

Also, keep learning about BPD. Understand why this happened and that none of it was your fault. Read anything you can get your hands on and it'll at least help take the pain away. You're training yourself right now to give yourself closure, the closure she can't give. Closure and clarity.

Our stories are all unique but we're all going through the same thing and trying to pick through the rubble and recognize the damage. You're not alone, just remember that.

[Trip09]

Yep. I'm feeling the same way. Much different from my past breakups too, where I'd be in basically a steady state of depression that I just naturally climbed out of over time. This time it's like a roller coaster, just like the relationship!

Thanks dude,

Really comforting words, I appreciate it! So spot on saying how relationships usually end. I have had a few heartbreaks before however, through each of those hard times I felt the depression but knew I was moving into a much brighter future. This one just feels like I've been shoved in a washing machine. Clam at times and then cycling out of control in between... Its not like any normal heartbreak that's for sure

I have been NC for about 4 months now and there is no sign of her ever coming back. She is in her element with a new source and she has never gone back to an ex in her past. Never been single since she was 14 or so, just moved from onto the next. I doubt (thankfully) I'll be the one she does try to go back to. She knows how much damage she inflicted on everything and everyone around me. But, im not sure if it is getting any easier with time... Like I said, everything seems to move in waves...

You're training yourself right now to give yourself closure, the closure she can't give. Closure and clarity

I really like that... Its gruelling training, but it helps to know I am not alone going through this

[once removed]

hey trip09 

it sounds to me like you are grieving; that in and of it self is normal. we all grieve differently though as our grief is uniquely ours. shorter answer: i think many here experience a similar pace. in terms of the stages of grief, where do you see yourself? keep in mind grief isnt linear and we cant experience multiple stages at a time, or cycle in and out of stages. www.grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/

i would also add that these are typically volatile relationships with tremendous ups and downs. were you operating on adrenaline often? it can take our bodies and our psyches a fair amount of time to process the volatility we became accustomed to.

[Trip09]

Thanks for the link O.R.

I think you're right in that I am still grieving the loss of love. I seem to go between all these stages over and over again, not in any order... I didn't have any anticipation our relationship coming to an end, in fact I had a ring ready to ask her to marry me, that's where I thought we were... But not being able to see it coming really knocked me down when she basically said we're done, be gone for good.

I don't think our time together was as up and down as others seem to have had it... Yes there were the signs things weren't right with her, but in general I felt it wasn't too bad, hence why I was wanting to marry her...

It was once she had discarded me and by moving on to someone else straight away that destroyed me. Even before I knew she had a replacement, she turned into someone I didn't even recognize. There was no empathy, just anger, rage, demands and compete delusions... I thought I was losing my mind trying to work out how someone changes from white love to pure evil... It was like I had finally gotten to her core and her mask well and truly came off to show who she is... Again, her family gave me hints throughout our time together but I never knew how bad it could be...

Learning about BPD from my therapist has helped give me a better understanding of how she works, so I feel I should be on the up, not continually going back down and yearning for her... Maybe I just have to give it time and properly grieve what once was and could have been out... I know deep down all I want is to love unconditionally which I get to do with the people around me, it's just nice to have that someone with you to fully share your life with... My co-dependency is also something I am understanding...

[burritoman]

My co-dependency is also something I am understanding...

I'm glad my words could help. Check out the book Codependent No More. I got it the other week and have only gotten a little ways through it, but I've already learned quite a bit. Some say it's a life changing book. You can get it on the cheaps!

[homefree]

Interesting point. I had forgotten that I was always in some sort of intense state during the relationship, and the stress was so constant in the final month I thought I was going to have a heart attack.

Going from that to no contact is a dramatic shift in stimulus. There is relief, but then it bounces back to some state where it wants that intensity. Someone would tell me something about what she is doing now (I've since told them not to do that), and the heart palpitations and warmth in my ears, the pounding tension in my chest would return just like the last weeks of the relationship. There was a strange kind of comfort to that. Then it would subside and I would be utterly destroyed emotionally again.

There is a lot to leaving an addictive traumatic relationship. I'm thankful like you are, Trip, that it is doubtful she will reach out to me since I told her I needed a break and she is with another serious relationship. That gives me the extended window of time (hopefully) I will need to process this and move on.

And like you, Trip, it has come in waves. Some things are obvious triggers that I have to learn to avoid. Others happen for no discernible reason. After making progress, I will fall back, and it will feel in those moments that I haven't made any progress at all. When it passes, I understand that that isn't true.

This truly sucks, but with time and support I believe it will get better. 

[izabellizima]

I am so glad to have found this site. This is my first post.

I have been NC for 18 days. The first two were brutal, I thought. Then I moved to anger when I found out she had tried to turn my own friends against me with lies. My friends are true and did not buy into her lies, but that bit of information made me feel like I would get over her so much faster.

I was wrong. It is harder today. I hurt so bad I cry and just want to be held and just want to kill this horrible feeling. Then I wonder if I can go through another cycle. Then I think, "maybe she would be willing to go around again." And I know how pathetic that is and thank my logic and pride for keeping me NC, but the feeling of longing is so intense I reach out and nothing, nothing. Knowing she may have already moved on screws with me. I heard last week she had been fighting the urge to call me and it felt so good to know she was hurting too... .then the guilt sets in for wanting her to hurt too. Hearing that it does get better helps. The validation from this sort of forum helps so much... .

[once removed]

sorry trip09, big typo on my end. i meant we very much can experience multiple stages, or cycle in and out of stages. it certainly wasnt linear for me either.

do i have it correct that you were together for two years and are about four months out? in my experience and in general, i dont think thats a very long time out, so please be patient with and kind to yourself in this process.

i understand how traumatic it can feel to see our partners seemingly become a completely different person toward us. things ended similarly for me; i wasnt even aware of it until the final couple of days, and i was under the impression we were on an upswing when she suddenly went from easily provoked rage to incredible distance and coldness, and was in a relationship a week later. its a lot of shock to the system and leaves your mind grasping for all kinds of answers.

did she know that you had a ring and were intending to propose?

[Trip09]

All good O.R. I got what you were saying

We were together for 2 years yes, but we broke up 6 months ago and have been 4 months NC. The main reason we had to stay in contact was to sort out the house we owned together. Being in my late 20’s and never having done anything like that before it was not an experience I ever want to go through again. I have no idea how people go through a divorce with kids, so much admiration for them, a house was hard enough.

Within myself, I feel good. With no arrogance, I know I am beautiful, loving soul and deep down I’m honestly happy with who I am. I am always looking to grow and love myself and all around unconditionally, which I feel is a true way to live in happiness. But, I just haven’t moved through so many emotions before from a break up or found it so excruciating to let go, even though ive never had someone treat me so harmfully before. Logically this should be the easiest relationship to let go of! A massive part of me just wants to be able to love her like I did and that’s all I want, not someone else, just her, as we were. It’s like there is this thing around her I cannot seem to find peace with. With all my ex’s I just want the best for them and for their lives to be happy, I haven’t fully got to that point with my exBPD yet. I guess you could say I haven’t forgiven her for her actions?

The night she dumped me I told her I had a ring ready for her, it made little difference. I did what most people do and try to reason with her, show her we are worth the love we had (well, I had) and that there wasn’t anything we couldnt work through. Up until that night she never said anything was wrong or even hinted anything was astray. It was just OVER from that point on. And once she had made a decision on something, that’s it. She is incredibly stubborn and very self-centred. It’s always her way and nothing else... She was on the path to get rid of me asap and when things didn’t go exactly to her plan it was like a 5 year old having a tantrum in a 27 year old body. Even to the point where she would make things up when we had to speak. This totally did my mind in at the time, I honestly felt I was losing it and heading my way to the crazy house... A lot of the time I think she was confused a lot as to why I was so upset after our break up, like it wasn’t registering in her mind as to why I was so hurt from her. I guess its because she was already hooked on the new supply before we broke up and was happy to finally be able to embrace him. I was just old news...

[C.Stein]

Interesting point. I had forgotten that I was always in some sort of intense state during the relationship, and the stress was so constant in the final month I thought I was going to have a heart attack.

During the last 5-6 months of my relationship and the 2 months following it I was also having heart attack symptoms as a result of her.  I didn't really know what was going on and I was wondering how much longer I was going to be alive.   Then I had some stroke symptoms about 6 weeks after the final discard and finally realized that I couldn't bury my emotions any longer.  That was when I started feeling again and the reality of the loss of her really hit me.   By that time it was too late.  She had "moved on" about a month before that had happened.

I really should have done a better job at communicating with her and  I honestly don't know what would have happened if I had.  Would it have made a difference in how she was treating me?  Perhaps ... .or perhaps not.  There was a time when I did communicate much better with her but it was mostly one way communication.  She did seem to understand why I was having a problem with her behavior towards me at times and she did get somewhat better.   That said, when the chips were on the table she reverted back to the same damaging behavior that we had talked about many times.  I don't think she is really aware of what she does and the impact it has on the people closest to her.  Somewhere in her life she has learned that it is OK to deceive and emotionally manipulate people to get what she wants and she is either unaware of the damage it does or just doesn't care.

In the first 8 months or so I really tried to help her see what she was doing but eventually I think I just got tired of trying.  I became emotionally numb and essentially stopped caring ... .I was fully immersed in the FOG.  It was a defense mechanism (emotional numbness, distancing and withdrawal) due to the fear and anxiety her behavior was generating in me.  As a result I also stopped enforcing boundaries I had set early on in the relationship.   This wasn't the right thing to do obviously, for myself, her or the relationship.  I wonder just how much physical damage was done to me as a result of living like that for more than 2 years?

[Lexisdad]

We are all in the same boat. Read my post how did i miss this. So many read flags misssed and we are all genearally good people who are givers rather than takers. We all are hurting because our love with these people was so real. They can not be saved. Someone else will fall into their vortex and wind up here afterwards. Stay strong!

[hope2727]

We are all in the same boat. Read my post how did i miss this. So many read flags misssed and we are all genearally good people who are givers rather than takers. We all are hurting because our love with these people was so real. They can not be saved. Someone else will fall into their vortex and wind up here afterwards. Stay strong!

[/quote

So well written. So sad but so true. Its been a tough day for me too. I miss him so much. But I low that the vortex is slowly claiming the replacement so I have to stay strong and keep away. Thank you for writing this. Sometimes it just helps to read everyones posts and know I am not alone in missing him.

[izabellizima]

All good O.R. I got what you were saying


I just haven’t moved through so many emotions before from a break up or found it so excruciating to let go, even though ive never had someone treat me so harmfully before. Logically this should be the easiest relationship to let go of!

^^^THIS

I feel like logic for me has never been so thrown off... .its like my heart has taken over and is being a stubborn child.

Lists of the bad the exBPD did.

Lists of your ideal partner.

Lists of who you wanna be for your ideal partner.

List of RED FLAGS

I know if I met my dream girl tonight I wouldn't be ready for her. I wouldn't be ready. I wanna be ready. I wanna be awesome for her. I wanna heal first.

I do not want her, I want what she represented herself to be for a while and who I mistook as a real person. That's an illusion. I want the real thing, even if she's not as intoxicating. Or she may be just as intoxicating, .

[blanchard]

Yes, you have to ride the wildly swinging pendulum back and forth many times between dripping opprobrium for the old partner, and the frenzy of frustration that they are no longer idealizing you.

Trust me, it isn't long before the pendulum's angular momentum goes to zero, and you pray to Heaven that you never cross paths with them ever again. 

Making it over the finishing line successfully is a function of one's tolerance for distress.  If you can tough it out for a few months, you stand a fighting chance of kicking the BPD habit forever! 

Keep fighting people!

[NCEA]

Other than her coldness, why do you think she's BPD?

Was she cold during the relationship ?

[once removed]

We were together for 2 years yes, but we broke up 6 months ago and have been 4 months NC. The main reason we had to stay in contact was to sort out the house we owned together. Being in my late 20’s and never having done anything like that before it was not an experience I ever want to go through again. I have no idea how people go through a divorce with kids, so much admiration for them, a house was hard enough.

im also in my late twenties and i feel similarly. i dont think id share a home before marriage. im not quite hard and fast on it, and im open to change, but id have to be "sure" and ive frankly never been that confident in any of my relationships. i also dont like to take things more quickly than they need to be taken, and i like my privacy. if i met my future wife tomorrow, and i was sure at some point, that does not mean we both need to take a bigger step the next day. regardless, we ought to both be ready and on the same page. were you pushed to move in together?

Within myself, I feel good. With no arrogance, I know I am beautiful, loving soul and deep down I’m honestly happy with who I am. I am always looking to grow and love myself and all around unconditionally, which I feel is a true way to live in happiness.

that is self esteem 

Logically this should be the easiest relationship to let go of! A massive part of me just wants to be able to love her like I did and that’s all I want, not someone else, just her, as we were.

logic and feelings often compete. this was more complicated than just being an all bad relationship or you likely wouldnt have stayed. having both anger and longing toward a person feels very uncomfortable (though it can be considered healthy) but it is what you feel, and feelings are not wrong. grief is complex. it cant all be logic. it can be helpful to accept, and validate your feelings, in terms of finding a balance between them and logic.

It’s like there is this thing around her I cannot seem to find peace with. With all my ex’s I just want the best for them and for their lives to be happy, I haven’t fully got to that point with my exBPD yet. I guess you could say I haven’t forgiven her for her actions?

,

its a lot easier to forgive someone who expresses remorse for their actions. i struggled with this too. im a big believer in forgiveness though it felt wasted with my ex. sure id do it but what would it change? years later i can see that it taught me a lot about forgiveness and accepting a person as they are; that its not based on change or remorse. i didnt free her of anything either, but i did free myself. on a personal note, in the past, when i have forgiven when it was hardest, it was a profound experience, i really felt something as a result. with my ex i simply looked back one day and realized id forgiven her a long time ago, perhaps as soon as i started learning about BPD. seeing my role in the relationship dysfunction went a long way, too.

ive also learned forgiveness doesnt need a timeline. it comes when we are ready. for some people, in some cases, it can literally take a life time to forgive. it doesnt make you a bad person if you havent forgiven her after six months, or six years. also important to remember is that forgiveness is not the same as forgetting, or trusting, or even necessarily indifference.

A lot of the time I think she was confused a lot as to why I was so upset after our break up, like it wasn’t registering in her mind as to why I was so hurt from her. I guess its because she was already hooked on the new supply before we broke up and was happy to finally be able to embrace him. I was just old news...

i encourage you to continue learning about BPD. it likely was not as simple as you were just old news. the kinds of fights, lack of acknowledgment for your feelings, and "five year old in a twenty seven year old body", as you put it, are very common dynamics in these relationships. the truth is we and our partners had two very different realities.

[C.Stein]

im also in my late twenties and i feel similarly. i dont think id share a home before marriage. im not quite hard and fast on it, and im open to change, but id have to be "sure" and ive frankly never been that confident in any of my relationships.

I think there is a big difference between sharing a home and sharing ownership of a home.  Personally I feel living together is essential to knowing for sure if you can marry a person.  There are things you just can't hide from a partner when you live together and I feel you really need to know if you can actually live together before you get married.  I expect we might have a much lower divorce rate if people dated for a 1-2 years, then lived with each other for at least a year before getting married.

[circularref]

Is this a normal process of moving on from an exBPD? I find my emotions, thoughts and feelings move like waves... For a week or so I’ll feel great, extremely happy and blessed having been saved from what would have been a nightmare life with her. After this, without any triggers or warnings, I seem to plummet back down into despair. I miss like crazy, I just want to be able to say I love her and hold her close again, even though she blindly and so cruelly discarded me with a replaced already lined up.

Logically I know she is no good... When her own family tells me this you know its true. But I am still just not fully embracing the feeling of freedom and hope for true love in the future. I still want to run back into her fire... However, I know in a week or two I will be back to being OK again... its driving me nuts 

I feel you. I am in the same situation. Maybe we've been so accustomed to the emotional roller-coaster that now we get distressed at having a more emotionally stable life, and crave the drama. Something like the Stockholm syndrome. But I know that in time, things will get awesome! Hang in there!