What makes a person safe and worthy of our trust?

[zachira]

Many of us who have a family member with BPD have trouble trusting others and often get involved with people who are not worthy of our trust. Can you share with us what you think makes a person safe and worthy of our trust?

[Pina colada]

What a great topic.  I have thought of this a lot.  I grew up surrounded by disordered individuals and of course developed many codependent traits.  For me I have to be careful as I am a very trusting person.  Have gotten burned though, a lot.  Now that I am wiser... .it is all about actions.  I was in a bad relationship after my divorce.  I have met someone whom is so amazing!  It took time though to let him in trust and realize what an awesome person he is.  I also had to retrain myself and remind myself I am worthy of being treated well.  it has been a process but I definitely need someone to "walk the walk" and not just use their words.  As my mom always said, "talk is cheap, actions speak louder than words."  In the end it is proof through actions... .

[Panda39]

I agree this is a great topic... .takes some thought, but here goes (I know 3 hours from now walking around the grocery store I'll think of something else  )... .


What makes a person safe and worthy of trust?
Someone who is honest and consistent in their relationship with you.  
Someone who does what they say they are going to do. (Like Pina colada said "walk the walk"
Someone with whom you have a reciprocal relationship (it isn't one sided).  
Someone that will listen with empathy.  
Someone with whom you can be your true authentic self warts and all.  
Someone who will keep private the things you ask be private.
Someone supportive of you and your pursuits


And when you share/act in the same way to this person then you have a Friendship!

Panda39

[Learning2Thrive]

Consistency in word and deed.

Speaking the truth when it isn’t popular.

Ability to step out of one’s own narrow perspective and consider larger realities.

Compassion.

Integrity.

Kindness.

Humble attitude/sense of humility... .as Turkish mentions: Meekness is definitely a strength.

Genuine desire to help or care for others without regard for reward.

Ability to forgive without holding grudges.

I’m human... .so sure my list is incomplete.

  L2T

[Panda39]

L2T,

Just sitting reading your list nodding my head, yep, yep, yep... .

Nice list!  Particularly like these two... .

Speaking the truth when it isn’t popular.

Ability to forgive without holding grudges.

Panda39

[Learning2Thrive]

Thank you Panda.  I was also nodding my head with your list, but especially liked this:

 
And when you share/act in the same way to this person then you have a Friendship!

I highly value genuine, reciprocal Friendship.

  L2T

[Woolspinner2000]

Being a safe person means I can finally begin to let my guard down around you.

Trusting you (this safe one) comes slowly, the deep trust of relaxing with who I am, and not being afraid that you will abandon me or give up on me, no matter how unsure or afraid I become.

 It also means hearing me and listening, loving me for who I am.

[Turkish]

Good topic!

Firstly, I'm big on forgiveness  (even though my ex may think this is a weak trait in me,  but nevermind her here).

My English 1B prof had a saying:

"You judge others first by how they look; second, by what they say; third,  by what they do."

My corollary to that is that this is inversely related to that person's character. I'll trust anyone up front (sans obvious  ), but I'll judge them on their actions rather than words. Thus, it takes some intimacy to be close enough to experience how another takes action or treats people.

[Learning2Thrive]

Being a safe person means I can finally begin to let my guard down around you.

Trusting you (this safe one) comes slowly, the deep trust of relaxing with who I am, and not being afraid that you will abandon me or give up on me, no matter how unsure or afraid I become.

 It also means hearing me and listening, loving me for who I am.

Wools, these are wonderful and so important. Yes, yes, yes.

Turkish, yes, it does take some intimacy and experience, doesn’t it? And that usually requires some time.

Really enjoying this thread.

  L2T

[Harri]

Consistency over time.  Actions count more than words.

My biggest obstacle to trusting others is when I am feeling small and beaten down.  Then I don't trust myself or my judgement.  This is when I revert back to unhealthy ways of depending on others, thinking they are smarter or better than me, etc.  So I know that is not quite in line with the thread, it does have a big impact on me and my ability to trust or want to get close to someone. 

Writing the above showed me that I have made progress though.  My 'weaker' days still happen but I am less likely to blindly assume they know more than me or to depend on them to treat me the way I treat others. 

Yeah, so this is more about trusting myself than it is about others... .but I think they are intertwined and there is no way to untwist them.

[Learning2Thrive]

Yeah, so this is more about trusting myself than it is about others... .but I think they are intertwined and there is no way to untwist them.

Oooh, you are so right!

If you don’t love yourself, can you REALLY love anyone else? Likewise, if you don’t trust yourself, can you REALLY trust anyone else?

Mind blown. Thanks, Harri! 

   L2T