How do I help my husband understand?

[Hopeless419]

I’ve been married to my husband for over 3.5 years. He has 2 grown daughters (32) and (28). The 28 yr old has BPD. She and I were very close before we married but 2 months after our wedding all fell apart and hasn’t been the same. We didn’t know about the BPD diagnosis until a year ago so when things were blowing up I didn’t understand what was happening. She lived with him at the time and of course he moved out to live with me when we married. I see how that triggered her to feel abandoned now. Well over the last 3 years we’ve tried to ween her off being fully supported by her dad and along the way it’s divided us even further and I’ve been marked bad Like I’ve been seen as “cutting her off”. . Last November she moved out of his house and was mad at us because we had plans to sell it after she had lived there free for years. She had her mom team up against us. Mom(textbook NPD) is who she lives with now and is her favorite person at the moment, they’ve had a rocky relationship in the past. Since there was so much drama going on last Fall/Winter it just made Christmas very uncomfortable for me and I’m sure his girls as well. Since then I’ve not seen his oldest daughter and the BPD I’ve only seen once since, so twice in a year. The older daughter encouraged him to work on his relationship with her without me around. And during the summer she asked him to come visit her for her birthday but not bring me. It’s all so hurtful. For them, it’s normal and what they are accustomed too. Always just said she’s drama. For me being new to all this it just makes me feel sad and now that she doesn’t care for me it’s so very hard to deal with and be comfortable . At times I feel crazy! Depressed. I skipped Christmas with them this year. I’ve told my husband I don’t feel like I’m part of their family and I know I probably never will be. Doesn’t seem like it’s anything that will ever be fixed. Family is so important to me but this isn’t something that can ever be a “normal” family unit. I know the rest of the family looks at me like I’m the issue and the one who tried to hurt her. I am the one who has pushed her dad  to help her grow and when I worried about her reaction to some adulting responsibilities that were coming her way I reached out to her therapist hoping to visit and let her know the changes coming so she could work on coping skills. That blew up too. She found out and got mom upset, who told dad to stay out of her therapy (that he paid for). But that’s also when the therapist clued us into looking into BPD. With every one pointing fingers at me and the daughters just not having much to do with me and only wanting dad time, that’s why I excused myself from Christmas. Not sure that went over well Just odd for me to have no relationship with people throughout the year except for a couple hours to exchange gifts on Christmas. I think people were shocked that I wasn’t there and cant understand why. My relationship with my husband just feels off now. I know he needs to have a relationship with his daughters, I’d never ask him to not. But when I first told him I wanted to pass on Christmas this year he was hurt and even yelled at me that he couldn’t have a relationship with his daughters with me around. That’s the kind of stuff the ex has said and it really hurt to hear it come from him. He’s since apologized and said we all say things we don’t mean when we are mad. I don’t know how to help him understand what this feels like from my side.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Hopeless419
I wonder if it would be helpful at this point in time for you and your husband to have the support of a counsellor or a third party to guide you through the extended family situation as it is at this point in time? You may have this support already and I have missed this!

I have seen close up the difficulties that arise when a father and daughter have had a shared life - just them - and then the father establishes a new relationship. The ones I am thinking of involved much younger girls, but things seemed to take a similar path as the one you describe - there is a huge shift in relationships and ongoing major difficulties.

This is much more painful for you because you value family and were so close to the younger daughter. You must feel as though you are in a whirlwind and trying to find a way through it all is a real struggle.

It is tempting to go over and over in your head what has happened, but I think it would be helpful to focus on where things are at this point in time. The main focus is the relationship with your husband, and how you help him understand how things are for you.

I am wondering if a conversation with dh in at least three stages could be helpful. You can set a time aside each week for three weeks - or more if you need to - to just focus on the journey, the present and the future.

The journey: Start at when you met and see if you agree on what the relationship was like between you, with you and his daughters - did he notice his relationship with them changing in those early days? You could set out a timeline if you like of when things happened (such as selling the house) and how individuals reacted to this. It would be good to put a lot of detail into this stage because it would help dh understand how you have been feeling along the journey.

Stage two: where are we now? What do his daughters want? What does dh want? What do you want?

Stage three: what does the way forward look like? As you are experiencing, with BPD you will be dammed if you do and dammed if you don't. Once you become the target of blame, it can be really difficult to navigate day to day interactions etc. The main thing will be that you and your dh are on the same page.

If you and dh can think about each option and how it would work in practice ie all options are on the table to explore; you go no contact with the daughters is one option - what are the positives and negatives about this option. What are the positives and negatives of limited or normal contact?

I suppose this process is one that tries to put the facts on the table as part of a decision making process - then looking at possible options and the consequences of each before making a decision on how to move forward.

Take time to work on this now, because it is something that can put a marriage under a lot of pressure. I am glad dh apologised to you and I think that is a good sign that he is open to dialogue.

Sending thoughts . . .

[CC43]

Hopeless, I relate to your story, as mine is similar.  Before I got married, my husband lived with one of his daughters.  Even though she had gone off to college, when we finally married and moved in together, it represented a tectonic shift for the entire family.  In fact, we had a long engagement so that all his children could complete high school and enroll in college before moving, to minimize the potential disruption to their lives.  It didn't seem to matter--it was still a huge ordeal for them.  Change is hard.  And since my husband's attention was now "officially" divided (even though we dated for years), his kids made him "pay" for that, with excessive neediness, outbursts and demandingness.  Initially, my husband mostly blamed me for the volatile relationships with the children.  But over time, it became evident that the kids acted that way because my husband rewarded them with extra attention and money.  I almost couldn't believe it--their bad behavior had positive consequences for them, and negative ones for yours truly.  If I complained or challenged my husband in any way, that was met with fury, because it was seen as criticizing both the children and my husband's parenting.

My youngest stepdaughter was diagnosed with BPD a few years after we were married.  Needless to say, having BPD compounded these issues.  Once again, initially my husband tended to blame me for her behavior, and he took out the intense stress of managing my stepdaughter's volatile moods and repeated rescues on me.  The more he felt out of control, the more control he had to impose on me.  I often felt distraught, because I felt that rather than entering a happy marriage, I walked into a hurricane of dysfunction, fighting and despair, on top of the multiple financial strains of bail-outs and therapies.  I just didn't see it coming, because I think my husband partially hid his daughters' issues, and because the issues didn't really fully emerge until college.

The stress of college--living independently with roommates, freedom to make decisions (good and bad), not having the full support of parents on a daily basis, exposure to drugs and alcohol, rigorous academic requirements--seemed to trigger the BPD in my opinion.  To put it in a nice way, I think my stepdaughter confronted an adult world with the emotional skills of a young child, and she cracked.  She had all sorts of troubles--getting thrown out of rooming situations, deciding to quit school multiple times, using too much marijuana, losing all her friends, lashing out at the extended family, and not being able to find and hold down jobs.  My husband couldn't bear to see her suffer, so he let her live with us, on and off.  That was not a good situation for her--she slept all day and refused to engage with life, except to lash out and blame her family for her bad choices, partly because my husband let her!  Then my husband would turn and blame me for not being warm enough, not making her feel welcome in our home, triggering her outbursts, etc.  The unspoken request was for me to let my stepdaughter rot in bed, use pot, make a mess and rage with out-of-control, incoherent anger.  At one point I thought that The Exorcist was a profile of a young woman becoming afflicted with untreated BPD.

However, things have turned a corner, starting with my husband.  I guess the BPD diagnosis woke him up; instead of blaming me, he focused on getting her treatment.  He started enforcing boundaries, but perhaps not as aggressively or as soon as I would have liked.  A key turning point was my stepdaughter hitting bottoms (serious suicide attempts) and facing real consequences (e.g. taking my stepdaughter to the hospital when she attempted suicide, instead of pretending it didn't happen).  My husband also had a turning point--when he broke down and asked me, What can I do, I've tried everything to save her?  That's when I said, I think you ensure your daughter follows doctors' orders.  If they suggest a treatment program, you ensure she goes, and if they suggest medication, you ensure she stays on it.  If she doesn't, then you tell her that you can't continue to support her.  That's basically where we are today.  And the regular therapy and medications have seemed to stabilize her for now.  She still has many issues, but she's not marinating in a pit of pot-fueled despair in our house anymore.

As for the holidays and family get-togethers, I've tried to be as courteous and flexible as possible through the years.  Even though I often feel a high level of anxiety around visits in my home, I try to be as welcoming as possible.  And I have always supported "alone time" between my husband and each of his children; I leave it up to them to decide whether I join or not.  I never make it about me--I make it about them.  What will this look like?  I'll say to my husband, "Why don't you invite BPD daughter to dinner?  It would be nice to have her visit here, but I know she really likes that restaurant in town.  If you wanted to go there, that would also be fun.  I'd be delighted to join you, but if you want some one-on-one time, I don't want to get in the way."  Either way, I'm perfectly happy.  Around half the time, I'm invited to join them, and half the time, they go it alone.  I don't feel left out; I'm glad they get time to connect, and I relish some time to myself, too!  Sometimes I use that time to connect with my side of the family, or take a break from meal preparation, or enjoy the house for myself, or get in a workout.

This Christmas, all my husband's children were invited to our home, for as long as they wanted, but because the BPD daughter has painted her siblings black, the siblings didn't overlap.  The compromise was spending Christmas Eve with the BPD stepdaughter, and Christmas Day (and other days) with the other kids.  That actually turned out to be wonderful.  I even nudged my husband to enjoy "alone time" with each of the kids and proposed different activities for them.

Hopeless, my advice to you is not to be hopeless.  I know how hard it is to find your place within a new family structure in conventional families.  But even more difficult is carving out a healthy family relationship with a loved one with BPD.  With BPD, there is so much drama, usually heart-wrenching drama!  If it's hard for you, imagine how hard it is for the parent and child.  I don't think the situation is really about you, even if your husband tends to make you feel left out.  So rather than feeling left out, maybe you could be happy that he's bonding with his child, and you have some time to devote to pursuits that please you.  I know it's hard!  I wish you some hope and peace!