Ex might have cancer

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Several weeks ago, my ubpdxw told me that her doctors suspected she might have cancer.  She got her results back on Monday so I texted her and she responded that she got her results but didn’t want to talk about it and just wanted to be alone. I told her that I understand and that I’m here for her if she needs to talk. She isn’t the type to lie about something like that.

I’ve been having a hard time with this development. I was curious if anyone here has had any experiences with their ex getting a serious illness?

I do have codependency issues (obviously ) so I’m sure that’s making this more difficult for me too.

Our relationship was bad but I do still care for her and want her to be happy. I certainly don’t want her to have an illness as terrible as cancer. I wish life would give her a break...

[utnapishtim428]

Several weeks ago, my ubpdxw told me that her doctors suspected she might have cancer.  She got her results back on Monday so I texted her and she responded that she got her results but didn’t want to talk about it and just wanted to be alone. I told her that I understand and that I’m here for her if she needs to talk. She isn’t the type to lie about something like that.

I’ve been having a hard time with this development. I was curious if anyone here has had any experiences with their ex getting a serious illness?

I do have codependency issues (obviously ) so I’m sure that’s making this more difficult for me too.

Our relationship was bad but I do still care for her and want her to be happy. I certainly don’t want her to have an illness as terrible as cancer. I wish life would give her a break...

[once removed]

its hard to see illness, or the possibility of it, befall someone you care about. to wait, without knowing, when you want to be there for that person, even harder.

its a good move to give her space at this time; while it may feel personal, it may be the thing that she needs the most right now.

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Sorry to hear you are going through this. It can be devastating when someone you love is diagnosed, even more so when they are ubpd and an “ex”. Frankly I think few people can truly relate /understand that kind of pain. Mine told me she had cancer and broke up with me 10 seconds later.

Soo many pieces of advice I rec’d. And many thought she was lying but she wasn’t 100pct.

How do you feel about this situation? What do you want to do? What worries you?

[utnapishtim428]

Thanks so much for your replies!

Lifeinthefastlane, what did you do to handle the situation when you were in my shoes?

It is hard and it definitely sucks. I’m stressing out and losing sleep over it for sure.

I definitely want to go into full-blown caretaking mode... it’s so difficult for me to not do everything in my power to help her even though I logically know it would just make things worse (probably for both of us). So I’m restraining myself from taking that path and it’s very difficult. It makes me feel really guilty... I just have to keep reminding myself that me playing a limited role is what’s best and to stick to that as well as I can. I keep telling myself that after we split up, she did better for herself in a lot of ways (eventually)... she found work and even started running half marathons... she never did stuff like that when we were together.

I don’t have regular contact with her, so I honestly don’t know if she has a support system in her friends/family... historically they haven’t been there for her at times when she really needed it... they sort of sporadically help her but I don’t even know if she’s told any of them. Not knowing if she’s ok makes me feel really scared and anxious.