My Body Left but My Psyche stayed

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I need to let him know I'm not coming back... . And I dont' know how to do it.

8 months ago I was forced to take the kids and leave our home.  A few weeks before our departure I decided to approach him and let him know that the relationship was not working and one of us would have to leave.   He decided to respond by throwing a cup of hot coffee at me while ensuring that I clearly understood HE WAS NOT LEAVING.  Looking back, I'm actually surprised that I had the nerve to approach him.  I lived in fear of him, and I had lost my ability to articulate effectively with him as well.  So whenever i wanted to talk about something I usually spent the majority of the day trying to figure out what to say, how to say it, when to say it, if I should say it... and finally just giving up and not saying anything.  But on this day... I was done, and armed with determination.  Needless to say, that was quickly replaced with paralyzed fear. 

Because of that exchange I decided, along with my therapist that it might be safest to leave without him knowing.  So thats what i did.  One day when he went off to work, I packed what I could in the car and left.   I was a wreck that entire day until I received a text from him that read:  "You could have at least washed the dishes before your stupid ___ left".   

I was not aware of BPD and it communities, ample tools, and resources then.  Had I known, I would have incorporated the No Contact rule, or at least some form of it.  (Neither one of us has any extended family in the area and so he was/is the only person I can call to pick up the kids in an emergency)   I instead wanted to help ease the tension between us, and I also did not want to be the "bad" guy.  i wanted to  make things better, reassure him that i was not taking the kids away from him, but that is was not healthy for them to be in that environment ( he is an alcoholic as well) , let him know that although I had left i would still help him make checks and manage his finances for him just like I had before, move close by so that he and the kids could be close.  I genuinely believed that I was doing the right thing by taking all these things into consideration and showing him that I was not trying to hurt him. I KNEW he needed me.  Now, with the awareness of CoDependency I honestly cant say why I did it that way.   Approximately 2 to 4 weeks after i left we saw each other.  It was an awkward encounter and not much was said about our situation. (I was again, not use to speaking and being heard so I always stayed quiet around him, and he only speaks to me when its to let me know what I've done wrong) Other than that its small talk. 

It has been an emotional roller coaster ever since. Push/Pull - Love/Hate...   He of course blames me for leaving him. He blames me for the kids not being in their home, he is extremely angry with me and holds resentment towards me because no one has ever hurt him as much as i have. But when I come over to pick up the kids or help him with his bills he behaves and speaks as tho i still live there. And becomes angry again when its time for me to leave.    Anyway, to make a long story a bit shorter... . He got himself into inpatient rehab and has been sober for 45 days.  He's been attending AA meetings every day and has recently opened up about not doing emotionally well, but not saying more than that.    You can see the sorrow in his face.  The loneliness, the pain. And it is taking EVERYTHING I have not to step in and "save" him.  Or stay there.  ( In the beginning I stayed there a lot because i felt guilty for leaving and because, believe it or not he makes me feel safe.  I FEEL SO STUPID SAYING THAT, but its true) I no longer stay because I don't want to hurt him and I realize I may have created false hopes. I also want to move on with my life.  And so here is my dilemma.  I have moved on, and I am NEVER coming back.   He has not and I don't want to hurt him either way.  I'm afraid to tell him i'm not coming back for various reasons.  His rage - i'm not sure what he'll do and I'm afraid, his sorrow -I dont want to hurt him, and his alcoholism - I dont want to trigger him.    So how do i let go of him completely, while being honest with him so that he can do the same?  Where do i start?  What is the best strategy?   When do i do it?  Do i say something or change more of my behavior.  Any guidance you can provide would be greatly appreciated

[Lizlo]

I need to let him know I'm not coming back... . And I dont' know how to do it.

8 months ago I was forced to take the kids and leave our home.  A few weeks before our departure I decided to approach him and let him know that the relationship was not working and one of us would have to leave.   He decided to respond by throwing a cup of hot coffee at me while ensuring that I clearly understood HE WAS NOT LEAVING.  Looking back, I'm actually surprised that I had the nerve to approach him.  I lived in fear of him, and I had lost my ability to articulate effectively with him as well.  So whenever i wanted to talk about something I usually spent the majority of the day trying to figure out what to say, how to say it, when to say it, if I should say it... and finally just giving up and not saying anything.  But on this day... I was done, and armed with determination.  Needless to say, that was quickly replaced with paralyzed fear. 

Because of that exchange I decided, along with my therapist that it might be safest to leave without him knowing.  So thats what i did.  One day when he went off to work, I packed what I could in the car and left.   I was a wreck that entire day until I received a text from him that read:  "You could have at least washed the dishes before your stupid ___ left".   

I was not aware of BPD and it communities, ample tools, and resources then.  Had I known, I would have incorporated the No Contact rule, or at least some form of it.  (Neither one of us has any extended family in the area and so he was/is the only person I can call to pick up the kids in an emergency)   I instead wanted to help ease the tension between us, and I also did not want to be the "bad" guy.  i wanted to  make things better, reassure him that i was not taking the kids away from him, but that is was not healthy for them to be in that environment ( he is an alcoholic as well) , let him know that although I had left i would still help him make checks and manage his finances for him just like I had before, move close by so that he and the kids could be close.  I genuinely believed that I was doing the right thing by taking all these things into consideration and showing him that I was not trying to hurt him. I KNEW he needed me.  Now, with the awareness of CoDependency I honestly cant say why I did it that way.   Approximately 2 to 4 weeks after i left we saw each other.  It was an awkward encounter and not much was said about our situation. (I was again, not use to speaking and being heard so I always stayed quiet around him, and he only speaks to me when its to let me know what I've done wrong) Other than that its small talk. 

It has been an emotional roller coaster ever since. Push/Pull - Love/Hate...   He of course blames me for leaving him. He blames me for the kids not being in their home, he is extremely angry with me and holds resentment towards me because no one has ever hurt him as much as i have. But when I come over to pick up the kids or help him with his bills he behaves and speaks as tho i still live there. And becomes angry again when its time for me to leave.    Anyway, to make a long story a bit shorter... . He got himself into inpatient rehab and has been sober for 45 days.  He's been attending AA meetings every day and has recently opened up about not doing emotionally well, but not saying more than that.    You can see the sorrow in his face.  The loneliness, the pain. And it is taking EVERYTHING I have not to step in and "save" him.  Or stay there.  ( In the beginning I stayed there a lot because i felt guilty for leaving and because, believe it or not he makes me feel safe.  I FEEL SO STUPID SAYING THAT, but its true) I no longer stay because I don't want to hurt him and I realize I may have created false hopes. I also want to move on with my life.  And so here is my dilemma.  I have moved on, and I am NEVER coming back.   He has not and I don't want to hurt him either way.  I'm afraid to tell him i'm not coming back for various reasons.  His rage - i'm not sure what he'll do and I'm afraid, his sorrow -I dont want to hurt him, and his alcoholism - I dont want to trigger him.    So how do i let go of him completely, while being honest with him so that he can do the same?  Where do i start?  What is the best strategy?   When do i do it?  Do i say something or change more of my behavior.  Any guidance you can provide would be greatly appreciated