I've come full circle since first post in Sept '12

[Madison66]

I posted here the first time in Sept '12 about issues with my unBPD/NPD gf at the time.  We had been together 2 years by that point and had just had a failed T attempt.  We were not living together and had no formal plans of marriage.  The emotional dyregulation, what I finally found to be emotional abuse, lack of empathy, continued chaos in her life and with her three young kids and other things led me to search for answers.  The T we saw for couples counseling and saw us separately for a period, is still my T today.  She could only tell me that while she wasn't going to formally diagnose my ex gf, she said she showed traits that were similar to BPD, NPD (more vulnerable narcissistic traits) and long term effects from sexual abuse as a teen.  She told me that it was her opinion that my ex gf wasn't dedicated to do the work to heal and make changes necessary to help her life and our r/s.  She questioned strongly why I would stay in it.  My gut just told me from early on that things weren't right.

I tried to leave the r/s in Oct '12 only to returned after a few weeks.  Shortly after, I bought a house on her block with the intention of renovating it so we could all live together (I also have a teen daughter with me halftime).  I continued to struggle with her behavior for the next year, attempting to leave the r/s another two times.  The issues with her young kids grew worse.  The oldest has OCD and anxiety; the middle has just been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum and anxiety; and the youngest has non age appropriate impulse issues and anxiety.  During that time, we had two more failed attempts at couples T while I was still seeing my T.  There was increased emotional blackmail, emotional abuse and then finally two instances of her using force to restrain me in a room when I'd attempt to walk away from the emotional abuse.  Again, although my gut was telling me things were very wrong I didn't understand the abuse I was enduring.  Finally, in mid December I finally walked away from the r/s for good after the second physical confrontation along with her damaging my property while she was leaving in a rage.

I knew I had to get out for good.  So, I wrote a journal with all of the abuse and funky behavior I could recall in the r/s (this was an eye opener even for me).  I then contacted three of my closest family members and friends, told them everything and asked them for their support.  I also gave them copies of my journal.  My T has it too.  I just wouldn't hide it anymore and I knew I needed help with accountability.  The r/s addiction has been tough, but I have maintained n/c for the most part and have been working on my own healing and self exploration to better understand why I didn't listen to my gut and continued in the r/s even though it wasn't healthy for me.

Bottom-line, I learned a HUGE lesson and was lucky to get out before we all ended up in the same house or there were any legal contracts in place.  I also got out before the emotional and physical abuse got any worse.  I feel strongly there was no chance of changes or improvement, especially with the NPD traits so strong.  I can now take care of myself and my daughter.  I can breathe!  I can heal!  I can break the cycle of abuse and truly find a life partner who will love, support and respect me.  I first need to learn to love myself.  This breakup has been tough, but I'm holding strong with n/c and moving forward with my life without the abuse and chaos that I began to accept as normal. 

[heartandwhole]

Hi Madison66,

What a difficult time you have been through!  I'm sorry you went through physical and emotional abuse, that is so painful.  I think it's fantastic that you told your close friends and family and T and gave them copies of your journal.  I wish more people in these situations would do this – it's crucial to have outside perspective and support.  I do realize, though, that it isn't easy to do.  I commend you for your strength.

Bottom-line, I learned a HUGE lesson and was lucky to get out before we all ended up in the same house or there were any legal contracts in place.  I also got out before the emotional and physical abuse got any worse.  I feel strongly there was no chance of changes or improvement, especially with the NPD traits so strong.  I can now take care of myself and my daughter.  I can breathe!  I can heal!  I can break the cycle of abuse and truly find a life partner who will love, support and respect me.  I first need to learn to love myself.  This breakup has been tough, but I'm holding strong with n/c and moving forward with my life without the abuse and chaos that I began to accept as normal. 

This is great news– I can feel the hope and lightness in your words.  Thank you for sharing, Madison, and please keep us posted.  We're here for you. 

[Madison66]

Thanks, heartandwhole!

I didn't listen to advice from the fine folks on this board.  I didn't listen to my T.  And, I didn't listen to my gut.  Most importantly, I didn't take care of myself.  These are things I'm going to continue working on to ensure I live "my true self".  As they say - "wisdom doesn't come cheap"!

[seeking balance]

As they say - "wisdom doesn't come cheap"!

Like that phrase - my T called it "pain for growth".

Hey, you did get out and are taking care of yourself, don't forget to celebrate that fact 

[love4meNOTu]

Madison -

I had to reply to you. I too, was at the two year mark with my exhwbp, and I had just bailed out of marriage counseling.

He became horribly abusive, verbally emotionally and physically (he liked to hold me down so I couldn't get away). I too, knew I had to get away.

I'm glad you got out before you married her. It cost me about 2K to get free of him.

Blessings,

L

[winston72]

Thank  you for posting, Madison.  It is so helpful to hear from people at different points in their lives as they work through these issues. 

Your decision to expose your relationship dynamics to loved ones was a great idea.  You are fortunate to have trusted friends who could participate.  And you had enough trust in yourself to make that decision. 

It is a curious aspect of the human condition that we are sometimes the slowest to become aware of our true circumstances.  I similarly had to, still have to, journal and make accounts of what actually happened between us... . to remind myself of my own reality.  Geez, that is a handful of a statement!  To remind myself of my own reality... . comical, in a way.

Thank you for the update. 

[Madison66]

love4meNOTu,

I'm sorry you had to deal with the abuse.  Not sure what you experienced, but mine started out with subtle emotional blackmail and emotional abuse before deteriorating to physical.  My T cautioned me that her behavior would only grow worse.  

I too bailed from couples T in October when I finally realized it felt wrong.  I don't know how else to say it, especially being a proponent of T.  What I finally figured out what that couples T won't work when there is abuse and that abuse isn't at the center of the T.  I just didn't get it and allowed the T to set things up like it was an even playing field.  My ex gf would lie, twist facts and rationalize like crazy in T, and attempt to paint the problems on me.  The last straw was hearing the T say that I needed to step up emotionally for my ex gf, while she simply needed to dial down her emotions.  We then had an assignment to come back and play the role of the other to better empathize with that person.  Every fiber of my being said "this isn't right"!  Nothing really matters because my ex gf couldn't and wouldn't accept fault, couldn't accept my feelings unless, and wouldn't do anything to change anyway.  

winston72 - you are so right on about being aware of your own reality.  Being aware and being present is the only way I'm seeing that I can live my "true self".  I sometimes struggle and think "I feel a hole in my heart and I could fill that hole by getting back in the r/s".  That's when I have to be aware and present with my "true self" and continue to move in the right direction.  I just know that by living and projecting my true self, I will attract a partner who will share my values.  I won't back down from this "ideal" moving forward.

[winston72]

Well said about the true self, Madison.  It is a daily commitment for me. 

I had a similar dynamic in couples therapy.  I attribute it to my inability to bring my "true self" into that therapeutic relationship.  To a certain extent it was the real relationship that showed up... . because my disconnect with my own feelings and views was a part of the relationship. 

Anyway, the path forward is the ongoing journey of connection to self. 

People are funny... . connection to self?  How do we get disconnected?  I know, volumes of books on the subject, but it is a fascinating aspect of the human condition... . alienation from self. 

[Madison66]

Great point about not bringing your true self into the T sessions.  I often didn't bring my true self into the r/s or I wouldn't have been able to put up with what I did for so long.  I could feel the pressure inside, though, of my true self talking to me and there in was much of my struggle.  It hurts at times now having walked away from some of the good stuff, but my true self couldn't radically accept all the crud.  Now, I can't radically accept the way I acted in the r/s and didn't take care of myself.  Time for change... .

[love4meNOTu]

love4meNOTu,

I'm sorry you had to deal with the abuse.  Not sure what you experienced, but mine started out with subtle emotional blackmail and emotional abuse before deteriorating to physical.  My T cautioned me that her behavior would only grow worse.  

I too bailed from couples T in October when I finally realized it felt wrong.  I don't know how else to say it, especially being a proponent of T.  What I finally figured out what that couples T won't work when there is abuse and that abuse isn't at the center of the T.  I just didn't get it and allowed the T to set things up like it was an even playing field.  My ex gf would lie, twist facts and rationalize like crazy in T, and attempt to paint the problems on me.  The last straw was hearing the T say that I needed to step up emotionally for my ex gf, while she simply needed to dial down her emotions.  We then had an assignment to come back and play the role of the other to better empathize with that person.  Every fiber of my being said "this isn't right"!  Nothing really matters because my ex gf couldn't and wouldn't accept fault, couldn't accept my feelings unless, and wouldn't do anything to change anyway.  

winston72 - you are so right on about being aware of your own reality.  Being aware and being present is the only way I'm seeing that I can live my "true self".  I sometimes struggle and think "I feel a hole in my heart and I could fill that hole by getting back in the r/s".  That's when I have to be aware and present with my "true self" and continue to move in the right direction.  I just know that by living and projecting my true self, I will attract a partner who will share my values.  I won't back down from this "ideal" moving forward.

Hi again Madison-

Yes, it started slowly. He would watch my debit card transactions, calls and texts made on my phone bill, my personal email account, linked in, facebook. I didn't have a problem with him doing so, because I knew he had been cheated on in the past and had trust issues, but it was irritating.

Later on he would have me bend over in front of him to check and see if my skirt was too short. Then it was insulting me, little jabs here and there. Putting me down, putting my job down, complaining if I wore makeup and left the house without him for WHATEVER reason. I don't know, it was just all so strange and confusing for me. I remember thinking at the time that I had to just deal with it, but a little voice inside of me said "this isn't right". He doesn't trust me... . that means he probably doesn't love me. But I ignored it. A huge mistake.

When I told him I wanted out, he would follow me screaming at me... room to room in the house. Not let me leave rooms, blocking my way, intimidating me, screaming in my face. It was a nightmare.

When he finally left though (I had to call the police on him one night, because I was afraid of him) that was it. He was gone, for good.

He got engaged just two months after our divorce was final. This was six months after he moved out.

I think it was a blessing in disguise that he did not try to come back, my T kept telling me, he's 45 years old, do you really think he is going to change?

Now I know she was right.

Blessings,

L

[winston72]

Hey L4MNU... . that is an awful story.  So sorry you had to endure this.  The gradual escalation of these behaviors is entrapping.  It is the proverbial frog in the kettle syndrome.  It is not unreasonable to think that compliance with such requests would alleviate fears and improve the relationship.  While something within us warns us, it is still not easy or likely for us to believe our compliance will cause an escalation to a level that occurred in your case.  Ugh.

And I just marvel that your ex would be married so quickly.  Frightening. 

[love4meNOTu]

Hey L4MNU... . that is an awful story.  So sorry you had to endure this.  The gradual escalation of these behaviors is entrapping.  It is the proverbial frog in the kettle syndrome.  It is not unreasonable to think that compliance with such requests would alleviate fears and improve the relationship.  While something within us warns us, it is still not easy or likely for us to believe our compliance will cause an escalation to a level that occurred in your case.  Ugh.

And I just marvel that your ex would be married so quickly.  Frightening. 

Yes, I think every day how lucky I am that he did find someone so fast. I truly think that he would have held me hostage for more money, spousal support, whatever if he had been alone.

He's good at getting involved fast, but he cannot sustain a relationship. She'll be the frog in the pot soon. I hope he doesn't harm her more than he did me. At least I had resources, and family to help out.

I've learned a lot, won't make the same mistakes again.

[myself]

I didn't listen to advice from the fine folks on this board.  I didn't listen to my T.  And, I didn't listen to my gut.

I'm with you there. I didn't admit I was being abused until long after others had pointed it out to me. I wasn't ready to face it. So I was abused even more, taking the bad for those little bits of good. When I finally had too much, I let go.

Once we make those steps away, towards less pain, our healing begins.

[designgrl]

This is an awesome thread and just what I needed to read right now!  Thank you all for sharing.  I keep reminding myself that there are no regrets in life just lessons! I'm gonna also add wisdom doesn't come cheap to my list!  I look forward to my healing