Whirlwind Romance ends as fast as it began HELP PLEASE

[FlashAsh]

Hello Everyone, I'm a first time poster, I'm 28 from London and my fiancée 24 has BPD and really hope you can help me with a problem I have... .

I train in a gym and alway noticed a very pretty skinny girl, while a friend of mine caught me looking at her training remarked "don't go no where near her she's got bi-poler and is crazy" within a few days of that I had talked to her added her on Facebook and we was messaging on stop, we went on our first date and haven't been apart since that was 7months ago,

The first thing she did was tell me that she suffered from Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, Anxiety and Depression, she was very skinny, and didn't eat much, she would smoke weed all day and take various drugs at night ie Cocaine,MDMA,Ecstasy or Ketamine.

I personally don't use drug or smoke, I didn't know she used anything before our first date, we instantly clicked she was into all the same stuff ie music, TV, sport, pubs & clubs etc

She wanted a full on long term relationship not a fling and she was amazing,

She started staying over and in no time I had moved into her house she share with her father, although I didn't like her drug intake within two months I had giving her the confidence to give up smoking weed and fags and brought her a Vape machine with 0 nicotine, a week later she stopped all drugs,

we had a whirlwind romance and got Engaged Paris, France on Valentine's Day on the Effiel tower, 3months into the relationship,

She had what I called episodes I remember it like yesterday a few weeks into the relationship we had an amazing weekend and it was nearly time for me to leave for work and she started crying hysterically I'd never really seen her get up set and this was something else then she would get frustrated and start pulling her hair out, I stopped her and comforted her it lasted about 40-45mins then she was so apologetic and wanted to show me love tho the problem was she had an idea that coz her dad was at work on a ladder and said he had to go he wanted her out of his house which wasn't the case!

This would happen once or twice a week always about someone or thing thing but not me... .all the while I'm calm and collected as I know she has an illness and as it only comes out for two hours a week the rest of the time with her was amazing.

But as time went on the issues and problems become about or related to me, and I started to retaliate and argue with her, there no violence and no one hits or fights but after a petty row I found her cutting her inner thighs where there were many scares already from previous self harming,

The petty rows we would have would be things like I left the toilet light on, I didn't wash a plate, I had dirty washing in the laundry basket when it should be at mine, road rage etc very petty things,

Our wedding was booked for November 18th  2016 just over a year from dating and out engagement party would have been this coming Friday the 20th of May 16, but after spending 7days with a new friend as my Mrs fails out with people all the time and jumps from mate to mate I said I'd like to see her as it was her day off and also mine we both work hard, she wanted me to wait round for her but I cancelled all plans which was very childish of me but I could take it any more she then split up with me and blamed it on the petty rows she's cut all contact and claims to have been unhappy for 3Months before braking up when we had holidays to Mexico & USA along with nights in,nights out,concerts etc and we was always very happy apart from the childish squabbles that were my fault for acting out as much as her,

Now she's cut all contact stating I'm selfish, and she had hinted or gave warning signs that I was to stupid to recognise and she feels she always had to look after me, her BPD is not an issue I am and I'm so shocked at how Wednesday night we went Five guys and movies then Thursday afternoon she is treating me how you would treat a rapist complete detest and almost hate, I have spoken to her a few times and she has hinted we could try to just be friends but I get the feeling she's gradually calming down and in the near future will want to sort things out,

But my question is what do I do, she takes three meds daily Citirapram, quetiapine and a light yellow tablet called Accord but I think that's the makers, can she be helped by a professional?

Can I help her? Do I get back with her with the worry this could happen again the next time she feels down?

Everyone is advising me to run but I love her, she's my best friend and my soul mate I don't want to live without her she's the nicest funniest person I know and I just want her better, sorry for the long ramble I hope someone can help me.Thank you

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[oz geary]

First off, I'd like to say welcome to the family. People on here r great. The tools u can learn do work and this place can really help u out, not just with advice on how to deal with things but also just support. We have all had some experience with BPD, that's why we r here. We can relate to what u r saying.

May I suggest, since u r new here, to read the tools section. Learning things like 'wise mind' and 'how to break the circle of conflict'. Get to know the lingo, eg, splitting, triangulation, transference, ect.

Ok, now your story is so familiar in many ways. From what I've experienced and learned, pwBPD do what's called 'morroring' at the start of a relationship. They become your perfect partner. They see what ur like and mirror it back to u. It's no wonder u and I and most others think that their BPDso is their soul mate, their best friend. however the honeymoon period is the same with pwBPD as without.

Your fiance seems to have many more issues other than BPD. This seems to b common. Depression can b worse than BPD in my experience. Your fiance should seek talking therapy like CBT.

It sounds like your fiance has made some progress though. She knws and admits she has an illness and is taking steps to help herself. This is great news.

Can u help her? Well, no. Not on your own anyway. BPD is a cluster B mental illness, there is no cure. But people do get better and can have normal healthy relationships. But they will need therapy and alot of tlc and support. If u truly love her and want to b that support u need to b strong. And it's a life long commitment. U can't do ur best for a while then give up when it's finally getting too much for u. That wouldn't b fair on them.  If u have the strength to always b there for them, to never disappoint  them to always defend them and validate them while still maintaining your own boundaries and keeping your other relationships like friends and taking time out for yourself,,, then do it. pwBPD can make the best partners if u can take the rough with the smooth, the rough will b rough, but the smooth will b amazing.

It's your call, if u want it to work u need to learn the tools and how to apply them. Your fiance should get therapy too and you should do all of this together. Learn to cope and grow together.

[livednlearned]

Hi FlashAsh,

Welcome and hello 

Break ups are hard, and BPD break ups maybe the hardest of them all. Like oz geary mentioned, people here know what it's like and we're here to walk alongside you during this rough patch.

It sounds like you two can really go at it when there is a spat. How do you both come back together after a fight? Who usually initiates?

She's BPD, so these behaviors are pretty typical. You can't cure her, and if she doesn't want to get help, there's no point pushing the issue.

What you can do is learn to stabilize yourself -- she actually needs this. For her, you need to be strong and not be reactive when she dysregulates, even though it will often feel that she's trying to do exactly that, destabilize you. Fighting with her is understandable, though ultimately weakens you and throws the relationship into freefall.

[FlashAsh]

Thank you so much for your advice and help I'm trying to take it all in and try and use it to help me... .

Quick update, the day after I posted we started talking met and she got upset said sorry explained afew things she wanted me to change that she felt put pressure on her like me living between my grandmothers and hers(I'm looking at my own place this week that she will have a key to and no doubt move into)

And I lost my licence due to accumulation of points I'm off my ban now but hasn't booked a test(Iv now booked one)

I work on the new CrossRail Sunday to Thursday night so I have like a 3day weekend and my Mrs works shifts doing enablement for the local council so she works one weekend on and one off,

So we both had a weekend off I booked flights and hotel and whisked her off to Amsterdam, Holland Saturday to Monday and we had the best time ever out there we didn't have a row from Thursday to Tuesday, the trip was one of the best times Iv had with her we joked,laughed, made love 3/4 times a day, considering this year we have been France,USA,Mexico and now Netherlands it's been very busy and had an amazing time,

I went to work Monday night and was bombarded with text from her like "  Your so amazing ❤️thank you for everything you do for me you go above and beyond for me your the best you seriously are the best friend i could ever ask for xxx" or "I'm very lucky to have someone like you and I do count my Blessings daily xxx"

The next day she tells me she feels like she's having a brake down its not me it's her, she has to solve it her self and she can't got to the doctors because she is going crazy and they will lock her up,

Messages like

"I love you too it's not your fault I'm just not well in the head right now xx" or "I'm having a mental breakdown at the moment I'm just trying to keep myself sane at the minute X" "I know you love me but there is nothing you can do it's something I have to sort on my self xxx"

At this moment I time I'm the reason for her brake down, because I don't have a driving license or house at this moment?

Even tho she has a car (but I never get lifts unless she is going to the same place) or a house(but Iv stopped staying at hers and moved the stuff I had there out)

I'm stumped, I'm really struggling I don't want to walk away from her but I can't take the Jekyll and Hyde  no more but I really do love her,

Is this it for us now is this the pattern from now on? I can't seem to do right for wrong or make her happy tho I do?

She had an amazing 6days now she's had two depressed over nothing and I'm sure in a day or so she will have broken up and not be talking to me again until 4/5 days later when she wants to make up and start the process again.

Iv stopped biting or reacting to her so she is now fighting with her self, I'm just apologising now and leaving her to call me when she has calmed down!

Sorry for another story thanks for reading and all the help and advice

FlashAsh

[livednlearned]

That's a lot of highs and then lows, up and down, FlashAsh. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can tell you really love her, and like you say, when she is sweet, she is very loving toward you.

I think about the emotional dysregulation as a roller coaster that she is on, and doesn't want to be, yet it's all she's ever known. She probably senses that it isn't right, and yet has never an alternative self where her emotions are stable. To try and get back to center, she needs some time to pull her world together.

A lot of us get on the roller coaster with BPD sufferers because why not? We want to help them, we want to be together, we're in love. Except with BPD, the roller coaster is faster, the highs are high the lows are low, and it's not a whole lot of fun when there is no choice to get on or off.

You are not the reason she is on that roller coaster, you are simply the person closest to her, the one she blames because it is too painful to recognize how much of her distorted thoughts come from her. No one wants to admit to mental illness.

A lot of the skills here are about learning to stay on the ground when she cannot. That means radically accepting the way she is and not taking so much of what she says personally. It's really hard!

Have you tried validation with her? That might be a good skill to learn while she takes a break. It sounds like she will probably be back in touch. Is that what you think?

[FlashAsh]

I'm sorry I'm only just getting back to you but Livednlearned I'm trying to take everything Youv said onboard as I'm struggling but I sat down and talked to her we'v had a few good days and got back together I stayed over and when I moved into my new place on the 31st,

She flipped and she split with me again, I saw her the next day and she's angry saying Iv destroyed and broken her down as a person and she doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore.

We'v had no contact for 5days now, but she's not telling people that we have broke. Up and unlike the last two times she's kept that she's in a relationship with me on Facebook and the profile photo of Myself and her?

I'm so confused is this because she don't want to look silly changing it again or is this because she just wants a brake and some space as tho we'v spoken about it, but it's never happened?

She is amazing, and we get on so well but she can hit the floor at any time after being very happy and not having a problem at all!

She knows she isn't right and hates it wants to change but can't help it I feel so sorry for her and it's horrible when she is remorseful and apogising for the way she has acted it's not put on she's got an illness and I won't abandon her!

But she's telling me she's not in love so don't feel the same and she don't want this shall I just walk away?

What is Validation?how does it work?thanks for your advice!

[livednlearned]

But she's telling me she's not in love so don't feel the same and she don't want this shall I just walk away?

It's possible that she is not in love, though this is not the same as saying that you are not lovable. Does that make sense?

People with BPD tend to be very needs driven. There is an unstable sense of self, they experience a lot of impulsivity and anxiety, are quick to trigger to volatile emotions and slow to return to baseline. She wants to merge with someone and having no boundaries means she isn't quite sure how to be interdependent from her idea of you. It's one of the reasons it feels so gratifying in the beginning -- she is mirroring you to a degree that can feel intoxicating. Then the fantasy of the merge inevitably gets interrupted, maybe because you don't like the same food, you don't read her thoughts, you look away when she is talking to you. Even these small differences can feel like abandonment to her.

Being hypersensitive, she interprets your separateness as a threat to her need to feel that you two are the same person. Since this fantasy can't be sustained, she splits you, pre-empting the pain of you abandoning her. You are now all bad. Somehow, she did not complete the development phase where she can see that two seemingly opposite things can both be true. Meaning, someone can love her and be apart from her at the same time.

What is Validation?how does it work?

There are some good resources about validation here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913190#msg913190

With validation, you are mitigating the conflict by giving legitimacy to her emotions. Done well (with authenticity), it can help from making things worse. She is less likely to dysregulate because you are acknowledging and accepting that her feelings are real, even if you do not agree with what she is saying.

Does that sound like something you could do with her?

[FlashAsh]

Before I reply il give you a quick update so no contact for 7days then I get a call as I still had her house keys, I took them round she broke down got upset apogised and said we could change things make them better and sort our relationship out so I'm giving her one last try and she's been amazing!

We are back in idolisation so I can't see it lasting long but hopefully new meds and a doctor will help a little!

Livednlearned she's back to loving me 2nd day back together she rebooked our engagement party, we are going to a festival in September and short trip to Germany  next month

I can't go through this again but il try my hardest to make it work,

I think she's in love,

It's so confusing but il try the validation and let you know what happeneds thank you so much