How am I supposed to get her into therapy?

[Purged]

I know several that are aware they have the disorder and 1 that does not.  Of course it would be a bad idea to say it is impossible to recover without treatment etc, they won't like that . Especially the one that doesnt know they have BPD (it is obvious), I think it's a pretty bad idea to say directly... you have BPD .

There is too much pain here, I want to do something but I don't know the most efficient way to convince them they need treatment.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Purged]

Saying that you are likely to traumatize any future children unless you admit that your ego is smashed into a million pieces and do something about it ?

hmm, probably not the best way... if it looks like im going to lose the friendship anyway, or the pain for one of them is too much, I will probably resort to severe bluntness as a last resort!

[Purged]

its honestly 99% chance of fail innit

[maxsterling]

I look at it this way - even with therapy, there is not a great chance of a radical change.  And, even if they go to therapy, nothing will chance unless they are willing and actually do the work.  So I think convincing them to go to therapy is pretty much not going to get you or the pwBPD anywhere.  Most of them already know they are unhappy, and I think eventually many will submit to help when they exhaust all other means. 

[HopefulDad]

I look at it this way - even with therapy, there is not a great chance of a radical change.  And, even if they go to therapy, nothing will chance unless they are willing and actually do the work.  So I think convincing them to go to therapy is pretty much not going to get you or the pwBPD anywhere.  Most of them already know they are unhappy, and I think eventually many will submit to help when they exhaust all other means. 

The bold is the key.  It's not just going to therapy, but themselves acknowledging the diagnosis is real and that it needs to be addressed.  If they do it out of fear of abandonment (e.g. threat of divorce), they aren't doing it because they really think they are disordered.

It's an uphill battle and I wish every day that my wife one day gets that she has this disorder.  But me telling her will not accelerate this process.  She's not wired to see it... . at this time.  Imagine ourselves being told we had a personality disorder.  We'd say to whomever told us that, "What are you talking about?"  It would make no sense to us.  Well, your pwBPD will respond in kind because it would make no sense to them, either.

[maxsterling]

I'll reiterate my own post, and hopeful dad's.   My GF has no issues going to therapy.  She seeks it out, and has been in therapy her whole life.  But when she goes, her attitude is that she wants the therapist to fix her.  She won't do the work.  the therapist suggests going for a walk or starting a hobby to relieve anxiety.  She won't do it.  She instead would rather complain that nobody is helping her or that the medications aren't working and she's just unmotivated and everything is hopeless.  So, she will find a new doctor, or quit outright. 

She did several years of DBT about a decade ago.  She claims it helped, and her life is much better now.  Hard to believe, because from my perspective I can't imagine it being more chaotic.  She got into the DBT after a months long period of hospitalization following a suicide attempt and an episode of intense cutting.  What the DBT did for her - she hasn't attempted suicide since, she has stopped cutting, and stopped using drugs.  So that is a positive.  But she still self harms through food and sexual behavior.  Still obsesses, rages, abuses, screams, and curses at strangers.  Still can't hold down a job for longer than 6 months.  10 years removed - still easily meets all 9 criteria for BPD.  My girlfriend has been diagnosed BPD, but she won't accept it as a legitimate illness, and instead wants to believe she is bipolar or PTSD.

The pwBPD may go to therapy and put a butt in a chair.  But until they accept that they have BPD, and need to make the change themselves, I really don't think anything will change.  Better to focus on yourself than to worry about how to get someone into therapy.

[AlwaysFrustrated]

Ok so this is what I did during a huge blow out I stated that a therapists would prove me right and she could pick anyone she wanted. I then told her father who she calls when angry with me to suggest to her the same thingto prove me wrong, specifically a female therapist.  She then picked one and we both went. Then she didn't want to go anymore but I still went.  Couples counseling with one person ;-) Sometimes the therapist and I would just chat.  Then my wife would start coming back with me.  Then stop again, then back.  The deal is you maintain the constant. They float in and out. I am not sure if this radically improves anything in the long run but has reduced some of the super lows.  A victory I guess.

Be prepared for some real tough moments.  The therapist was working with her alone and touched on some deep things which I wound up paying for unknowingly.  Sometimes I wish the therapist would send me a warning, details I do not need but at least a text that says brace yourself.

By the way she did start to not like the therapist because she "didn't like the repertoire" we had developed.  Hmmm could it be we met for over two months alone when you no longer wanted to go? But then after the therapist sided with her enough times that went away.