Help please Need to know how to respond/deal with this

[sweetillusions]

So my BP bf woke up the other night from a 'harrowing' dream (which he couldn't articulate or explain) to the feeling that there were things I wasn't telling him - I won't bother going over that night (being woke at 2.30am and then hung up on and ignored again and again and again without knowing what on earth was going on). Then, as a continuation, last night he brings up the fact that I never told him that (over a year ago, almost a year and a half) when one of his friends hit on me it was in the kitchen. Apparently the fact that it was in the kitchen is an extremely important fact. I argued my point that it was an irrelevant minor detail that it was the kitchen as opposed to the lounge room, whatever, but I eventually gave up (I didn't give in and agree which I may have done in the past, I just stated my point and said I was done talking about it). So later that night he sends this message:

'I have a very profound feeling there are important things you haven't told me. It's impossible to believe I've magically uncovered all the dishonesty and lies you're tried to lead me to believe. Maybe only 10%, probably 80% but not 100%. You even said at --- Island that there 'maybe were' more but you couldn't remember. Well I'm morally certain there are, given I never would have known about the ones I do without thousands of questions and ringing while you were in the act of being dodgy. Your lies and dodginess have done tremendous damage to this relationship. And only honesty can fix it. But I fear you're not a sufficiently upfront person to tell me. Thus it will remain a problem until you do. That's how it is, and it's your fault. They are problems you created and sowed. I can't forget. And I know how far you're prepared to go to cover things up and refuse to honestly and forthrightly open up to me.'

What he is referring to is his digging about intimate details about past relationships (which I have been resistant  to answering questions about because I think it's inappropriate), and my 'dodginess' was being in the presence of ex boyfriends (at the beginning of the relationship, in group friend situations, which I stopped doing and became very isolated because I live in a small place and a lot of my friends are also friends with an ex-bf).

For a long time in this relationship, I bowed to his every demand, told him whatever he asked about (now he has plenty of ammunition to make me feel horrible) and my self respect went down, down, down and I felt guilty and ashamed and like I was an awful person. Since looking at his behaviour through the prism of BPD I've begun to rebuild my self-respect and self-worth and realised it's not all me.

So I want to be able to reply to this message in a way that is true to myself and helps the relationship and doesn't cause pain to him. I don't have all these skeletons in my closet, he knows so many intimate details about my past relationships that it's ridiculous! I've never been asked by any other boyfriend to go over this kind of thing! However, I do feel like there are things I need to open up to him about - my feelings about how he treats me, how I've started seeing a psychologist, etc - but this isn't what he's referring to and I guess I should deal with one thing at a time?

Any advice or guidance would be so so so much appreciated!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[sweetillusions]

I understand the responses and part of me wants to run and save myself, even as I'm typing this I have an uneasy feeling both physically and mentally, my gut feeling is a fluttery, anxious one... . But I love him very dearly, I can't ignore or deny that, and I did post this on the 'staying' message board because I do want to stay and wanted to know if anyone had any advice in dealing with this situation, communicating effectively, et cetera.

Also, in a few weeks we're going travelling together for a few months and I realise that this may be hell and a disastrous choice (I'm anticipating that maybe part of the travelling may be solo), but that's where I'm at, with tickets paid for, accommodation booked. I'm trying to give it one good, well-informed last shot before giving up (the trip will certainly be the decider) and I was hoping (perhaps naively) for some way to make this no-win situation slightly less awful. Apologies for a confusing post, I am pretty damn confused!

[bpbreakout]

The extract from his communication to you sounds as if he has hell of a lot of emotional investment in you being "dodgy" whatever that means.

A lot of times you are on a no win situatiuon in a relationship with someone with this condition. Being true to yourself, helping the relationship and not causing him pain just may not be possible all at the same time. Ultimately you are not responsible for his happiness and well being even it if seems like it now. If you don't feel comfortable with the pressure he is putting on you I would put being true to yourself as the no 1 priority here & things will become clearer for you over time. I suspect it means telling him to mind his own business or maybe just not responding to theis stuff for the time being at least and not buying into the crazy thinking or trying to apease him. Good luck, it's obviously a very difficult situation for you but it sounds like you are young & much much better to go through all this stuff now that later.   

[ziniztar]

Hi sweetillussions,

It's s good thing you found this site   and are actively writing.

I'm in a relationship with my dBPDbf for almost a year now. He told me from the start, and he's seeking therapy himself. So my story is different from others that have lived with undiagnosed spouses for decades. I can't even begin to imagine how hard that must be.

For me the therapy was a dealbreaker. It's still not easy, but it's manageable and often very nice. He's working very hard and I can notice the progress. He has even increased his sessions now because he got stuck. What are your dealbreakers?

You mention you're posting on the staying board so the real question is then: why are you choosing to stay? Have you read the lessons - specifically the ones about our contribution? It helps to understand and acknowledge why you fell for him and are still in this relationship.

On a practical note: The language and accusations in his message are tough. The trick is not to be pushed into JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). And I'd advise you to stay away from written communication as much as you can. Learn about validation (also in the lessons) and tools such as SET. They really help. And while you are learning more about yourself and better ways to communicate, you can always decide whether you should leave or not. The insights are invaluable to any relationship, whether it's this one or a next one .

[Joseph54]

Hi Sweetillussions,

I married a woman with all the characteristics of BPD. She is improving but only with the help of God. We are Christians and she is spending time in prayer and reading the bible which is grounding her so that she is able to discern between what is real and what is not real in respect to others and me.

I am married to a child in many ways with an emotional disability which makes things difficult as it is difficult for them to be a real partner. The only way I have found to stay sane is to keep strong boundaries. I would not give any more information about your past relationships as it will never end and only be more information for them to misinterpret and then use against you.

As I do believe in the sanctity of marriage I am staying but under my conditions.

I do love her very much also but realize I did not love myself very much by allowing myself to stay with her and then get married.

I do not allow her to destroy me with her twisted thoughts of me, I allow her to rant about others but only listen for a short period of time and say I do not want to talk about others in that way any longer. I want to focus on the good in life and not the negative.

Joe  

[an0ught]

Hi sweetillusions,

So I want to be able to reply to this message in a way that is true to myself and helps the relationship and doesn't cause pain to him. I don't have all these skeletons in my closet, he knows so many intimate details about my past relationships that it's ridiculous! I've never been asked by any other boyfriend to go over this kind of thing! However, I do feel like there are things I need to open up to him about - my feelings about how he treats me, how I've started seeing a psychologist, etc - but this isn't what he's referring to and I guess I should deal with one thing at a time?

Any advice or guidance would be so so so much appreciated!

this is easy. Not because it is easy but it is such a common situation and question here.

So here a not so simple but effective strategy:

 - Do not JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain). All these are invalidating i.e. go against his emotions and just make him feel stronger what is already strong and in your eyes wrong.

 - Don't try to fix his believes. It is ok do tell him something once or twice but then stop doing it (I know it is hard, but this is what boundaries are all about - Controlling our responses). See more in the workshop section under the "Boundaries".

 - When explaining use SET

    Support: "Your dream was upsetting and you are looking for reasons"

    Empathy: "You are unsure about my former BF and feel you are missing critical information".

    Truth: "I have shared more information with you than with any other BF before. There are limits I am able and willing to discuss this - it brings old and sometimes painful memories up. This past is closed and I want to keep it that way."  <-- Maybe a bit shorter - BPD attention span is often not so long.