practical examples to set up boundaries

[Fanie]

Hi everybody

I have been reading at different boards and found that nons have practical

problems setting boundaries, which includes me.

Obviously, everyone has unique relationships and the setting of boundaries

might be different.

I would want practical advice in this regard i.e:

How to implement?

How to discuss / negotiate?

And when she is emotional unavailable ?

What boundaries should be set at minimum?

1. We will not fight in front of the children ... .

2. We will not cheat ... .

3. We will not get drunk ... .

4. We will go to church  ... .

5. We will respect ... .

6. We will ... .

I have no idea at all what to do?

I am an enabler and codependent

She told me to leave the house months ago

I did not because also due to two kiddies (3 and 5)

She is out most weekends, I think there is someone else

Sometimes binge drinking

Sometimes binge eating

She is on the phone everyday with who know for hours

Sometimes I feel like leaving

What about the kids then?  

Ouch, changed the subject:

Subject is: PRACTICAL ADVICE IN SETTING UP BOUNDRIES

TX

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[an0ught]

Hi Fanie,

boundaries are difficult to negotiate with pwBPD. One problem is splitting which makes their sense of reality so disjunct i.e. today is in another universe from tomorrow. Also let's keep in mind that emotions dramatically shift decision making (in general) so what discussed in a calm state will be hard to follow through in a less calm state for anyone.

You got a good list there of what you want.

1) Don't go for all of them.

2) Connect them to values and make sure you both have the same values. If not some deeper thinking may be needed.

3) Use SET at a calm time to share your view and anchor in value

4) When push comes to shove validate and then use SET to remind. Make sure you got a strong position and be able to push through - mind the extinction burst and don't allow intermittent re-enforcement to unravel discipline in a wider area.

5) Provide valid feedback after the fact. Ensure visibility of thinking and acting alignment.

6) If failed consider DEARMAN for the next time instead of SET at step 3

7,8,9) Work on your own boundaries. Your boundary skills need to be very good to be able to provide the leadership for you as a couple to have consistent boundaries.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm a firm believer in enforcing your own boundaries rather than negotiating boundaries with a pwBPD where you can. This won't work for many of these, but here's one example that is good this way:

1. We will not fight in front of the children

That is a rule. The problem with a rule is that she has a choice: Obey it or break it. Sooner or later (if not all the time) she will choose to break the rule.

Boundary enforcement is in a different form: "If you do X, I will do Y to protect myself from X." You do not even need to talk about it, all you need to do is execute it. She has no choice at all, it is all up to you.

For example: "If you start verbally abusing me, I will leave the conversation." We have a great workshop on how to do this:

How to take a time out

I would suggest you enforce that boundary both in front of the children and when they are elsewhere.

With children, you may need to remove the children from her presence if she is being verbally abusive to the children. That is trickier. I'd start with boundaries on how she treats you.

Another bit of practical advice--if she has a drinking problem, you could go to Al-Anon meetings. Many people here have found that helpful, especially as a way of dealing with codependence.

[tired-of-it-all]

Don't negotiate.  This won't work.  Boundaries are things that you control not things that you negotiate with your partner.  You don't have to say them until the situation arises.  For instance:

     "If you physically strike me, I will call the police" is a way to set a boundary when you are afraid they are about to be violent.  Don't say it unless you are ready to follow through.  I have done this and it works.

     if I refuse to fight in front of the children, I would walk away when she becomes loud.  I would not participate.  I might also say calmly, "I will discuss this with you in our bedroom if you keep your voice down."

    If she is spending too much money, I might say, "I am no longer depositing my paycheck in our joint account.  I am going to put $XXX per month in the joint account and I am keeping the balance separate.  I have canceled the credit cards which are in  my name…".  If she asked why, I would answer, "Because of your spending habits."

You don't have to fight.  You don't actually have to explain yourself but if you do the less said the better.  Don't try to convince the other party.  State your position and leave it at that.

[Grey Kitty]

I agree--do not negotiate on boundaries.

Many things are handled best with boundaries, because you can protect yourself through your own actions. Some things require active cooperation or action on the part of your partner. You cannot force these with a boundary; for those situations, you will be negotiating. Look up the DEARMAN workshop.

My practical advice is leave that sort of negotiation for later. Start with simple things:

1. Boundary enforcement where needed (verbal abuse is a great starting point)

2. Watch your communications and avoid invalidating statements where you can. Don't JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain)

3. Work on being more validating.