My Daughter

[Lifelonglearner]

Hello. I just wanted to introduce myself. I have an 18-year-old daughter who I suspect has BPD. She is currently in a partial hospitalization program after being expelled from school for smoking marijuana at a school event. She is being treated for trauma and depression - her dad died by suicide 4.5 years ago, and I suspect he was BPD and NPD. My daughter is a lot like him. No matter how much I pour into her, it’s never enough. Everything is always my fault and she never takes responsibility for her actions. My other kids and I walk on eggshells around her all the time (I’m reading the book and it’s so helpful). I love her dearly and she breaks my heart with her refusal to communicate except when she’s angry and tells me I’m the worst mother ever. I’m absolutely exhausted. All of my relationships are suffering. I just want a good, peaceful relationship with her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PearlsBefore]

The "Books" forum on this website has book reviews, I remember there's one specifically about BPD/NPD comorbidity if you were interested. I'm sorry to hear the rough time through which you're going, the good news is that you're in the worst of it right now - the vast majority of BPD cases improve over time - only a small percentage go downhill. McLeans Hospital is "the" BPD centre in the United States though you'd be a long way from that if she's not even diagnosed yet. We've seen good results on alprazolam and prazocin, bad results on escitalopram and lorazepam though obviously everyone is different.

Stay strong and Godwilling you'll have the daughter for which you hope, it's just going to be a bumpy decade of longsuffering biting your tongue, avoiding codependence and setting boundaries. For what it's worth, I'd recommend not chiding the other children when they want to set firmer boundaries than you or even "ghost/NC" her for a time...let them work out what fits their personal mental health needs...it's not easy on anyone in the family when somebody has BPD.

[Lifelonglearner]

Thank you for your wise words and kindness!

[PearlsBefore]

Not a problem, I'm surprised your question didn't attract more voices - some days around here are quieter than others (especially on specific subforums) and sometimes newcomers slip between the cracks; do please stick around, I promise we're all good people and able to give some advice. ..and we'd like to hear what works and doesn't work for you as well.

Are her other siblings older or younger than her? I've never actually seen a youngest-child in a large family with BPD, anecdotally it tends to be older/middle children but I suppose there are all types.

[Lifelonglearner]

My daughter that I suspect has BPD is my middle child. Her sister is 20 and her brother is 14. I always chalked her behavior up to severe “middle child syndrome.”

[kells76]

Hey, just joining with PearlsBefore in welcoming you to the group.

Having one child with BPD traits and behaviors can stress the entire family, as you're well aware. So, the more support you have in your life, the better -- glad we can be here for you.

Can I ask, does your D18 seem compliant with the PHP? How long will it run for? And even though she's 18, are you still able to get information from the treatment team?

As BPD often seems like it affects those around the pwBPD (person with BPD) way more than the actual pwBPD, I'm curious if your other kids are in any kind of counseling? Your D20 of course is at a point where she can "drive the car" herself in terms of what support she wants; is your S14 seeing anyone?

And how about you? You do sound so tired -- parenting teens is no walk in the park, even without a PD in the mix. Do you have a counselor for yourself? How's your family support -- any family members in the area?

Keep us posted on your journey, whenever works best for you;

kells76

[Pook075]

I'll echo what Kells said- my BPD daughter was at her worst around 16-18 and we all walked on eggshells.  At 25, she's a different person entirely- holding a stable job, in a healthy relationship, and can usually self-correct when she starts spiraling downward.  She still has moments where she feels worthless and out of control, but she'll call me almost immediately and then get in with her therapist ASAP.  The changes these past few years have been life-altering and she essentially did it all on her own.

The big thing I learned is that until your kid is ready to change, she's not going to change.  She probably doesn't even believe change is possible.  As the book says, don't walk on eggshells and don't ask your other kids to either.  Find boundaries, push back in a healthy way for everyone.  And you'll probably be hated since you're the adult in the room, but that's okay. 

For almost 10 years, my kid told every therapist, psychologist, etc that her only problem was me- I was the devil and made her life miserable.  She hated me and if I'm being honest, I sometimes felt in danger going to sleep at night.  It was horrible, unbearable, and I never saw a day where I'd be able to have normal conversations with my kid.  Yet we're so close today, we're basically best friends, and she now tells counselors that she was so rebellious towards me because she needed my love and acceptance more than anything in life. 

Today, she realizes that me being tough on her and creating boundaries was because I loved her and I was preparing her for life.  She now sees that I was there for everything, always in her corner, always pushing for her to be her absolute best in life.  So don't give up hope...it does get better with the diagnosis and therapy.  It just has to be at your kid's pace.

One final thing, my younger (non-BPD) daughter probably got the worst of it growing up- she got all the rage, hate, violence, etc.  We brought her into therapy and it was a massive help.  There was nothing "wrong with her", but there was certainly trauma that she had to deal with directly.  You and the other kids need that outlet to realize that you didn't do anything wrong, you're not monsters because you don't agree with your BPD kid, etc.  I highly recommend it ASAP.

[Lifelonglearner]

Kells -
My daughter seems compliant with the PHP, but she’s VERY good at doing what she needs to do to get out of things. She told a friend she was just going along with it and when she’s done and I’m “off her back” she’ll start smoking pot again. She actually likes going, though. It’s a great program. Not sure she’s learning anything. The program lasts 9-12 weeks usually. And she signed a waiver so the therapist can communicate with me.
My oldest has been in therapy for years, but my son refuses to go to therapy. However, he is doing family therapy with us through my daughter’s PHP. I AM so tired. So tired. I have a therapist that I see once a week. I go to the chiropractor for neck pain (trauma induced) once a week. I try to get to yoga a few times a week. I don’t have a lot of time to myself because I spend 4 hours in the car every day to take my daughter to treatment. Self care and my daughter are full time jobs. I do have a lot of support - a very sweet and supportive boyfriend, and my mother lives close and helps a lot. And I have some wonderful friends. My sister is coming in town next weekend to take my kids for a night so I can have a break.
I’ve been in survival mode for 20 years (husband was an alcoholic and I’m certain had BPD and NPD, and then he died by suicide when I asked him for a divorce after he became threatening and very unstable and refused help - my daughter blames me for his death). I just want some peace.

Pook - thank you for your story about your daughter. It gives me a tremendous amount of hope!