How to tell teen children about break up and NC with BPD partner

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hey guys, I’m a non and finally reached that point. It’s time to go NC. I’m pretty sure everything will be fine going forward in terms of stalking and whatnot. My partner w/bpd usually just goes dark and is gone for good (yes I’ve been repairing and all that for a number of years). But of course my bpdp was way into my kids like she was into me and has just swept them off their feet and so they are gonna feel it when I say it’s time for nc. I’m wondering if anyone has suggestions for how to communicate this stuff with them? Like, I want them to be cautious in case my bpdp starts to get squirrelly with them but I also don’t want to spook them. I know it’s going to crush them but I want to be smart about the conversation. Little help?

[healthunter]

Hey guys, I’m a non and finally reached that point. It’s time to go NC. I’m pretty sure everything will be fine going forward in terms of stalking and whatnot. My partner w/bpd usually just goes dark and is gone for good (yes I’ve been repairing and all that for a number of years). But of course my bpdp was way into my kids like she was into me and has just swept them off their feet and so they are gonna feel it when I say it’s time for nc. I’m wondering if anyone has suggestions for how to communicate this stuff with them? Like, I want them to be cautious in case my bpdp starts to get squirrelly with them but I also don’t want to spook them. I know it’s going to crush them but I want to be smart about the conversation. Little help?

[Notwendy]

I am an adult who has a BPD mother. The kids might not fully comprehend all that goes into a relationship, in general, and not one with BPD at all. It wasn't until well into adulthood that I could grasp the situation with my parents.

Your #1 role is to protect your kids. From my own experience, the decision to go NC is also the best thing for them. They may not understand it but in the long run, it's not their choice. Teens want what they want. If adults say no- it's for their own good. Hopefully you don't let them eat junk food all day long, not do their homework, or drink beer either and you don't care if they protest because, it's not in their best interest to have what they think they want at their age.

I could share stories of being a teen with a BPD mother, but probably listing the issues would be enough. I was parentified, enlisted as her caregiver. She confided in my way TMI about her relationship with my father. The dynamics in our relationship were disordered. You have decided this relationship isn't good for you, it's also not good for your kids.

Although I think my father loved us, much of his time was spent being focused on BPD mother and her feelings so we got less of his attention. If he was stressed- which he was- then that affected his interactions with us. Your kids need you to be emotionally stable so you can be emotionally available for them.

You are entitled to have a romantic relationship. The one that is good for you will be good for them, and also the one that is bad for you is bad for them. They don't have to understand all the reasons why. They may be disappointed but they will manage that. Validate their feelings and be supportive through this, but know that, it may have been all wonderful in the beginning with them too, but BPD impacts all relationships, and even if they don't understand that, you do.

Tell them it didn't work out. Change their cell phone numbers.

[healthunter]

NotWendy, thank you. Your words brought me to tears. What was most touching about your response was how you emphasized what we will be gaining back as a family without having to put all that extra energy into my expartner. I just went ahead and told them straight up and told them about my hunch on her diagnosis but told them that that part is private information. I don’t think she will go stalk mode. I grey stoned her and she’s broken up with me before and does the whole disappearing thing. So I think we are good. Thank you.

FM

[Notwendy]

I am glad that it helped!