Break up

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

See I wish I was more like you. Crying does come easy but it comes with everyone knowing. It’s hard doing anything when it comes.

Don’t get me wrong I’m not prone to just crying, it’s normally on my own.

Those happy flashback will fade in time.you need to frame it differently though OKrunch

I see those happy memories as coming from me not her. Any happy memories are of me making them happy for her and her returning with idealisation of me. It wasn’t love.

I now see it as the same as a women throwing a ball and the dog (me) returning it and thinking that pat on the head (sex) and her saying good boy (praise) was real love.

I don’t think our ex’s were ever the architects of our happiness. We made it happy not them.

So I guess that means we are the architects of our happiness and we can be THAT happy again.

Guru Brokenmind over here DROPPING WISDOM

[OKrunch]

See I wish I was more like you. Crying does come easy but it comes with everyone knowing. It’s hard doing anything when it comes.

Don’t get me wrong I’m not prone to just crying, it’s normally on my own.

Those happy flashback will fade in time.you need to frame it differently though OKrunch

I see those happy memories as coming from me not her. Any happy memories are of me making them happy for her and her returning with idealisation of me. It wasn’t love.

I now see it as the same as a women throwing a ball and the dog (me) returning it and thinking that pat on the head (sex) and her saying good boy (praise) was real love.

I don’t think our ex’s were ever the architects of our happiness. We made it happy not them.

So I guess that means we are the architects of our happiness and we can be THAT happy again.

Guru Brokenmind over here DROPPING WISDOM

[Brokenmind]

Haha no guru here mate I’m just recycling things I have read and I think it’s starting to all make sense.

[SaltyDawg]

Brokenmind,

   I agree with EyesUp, unless you want to do a scorched earth, you may want to back off a bit, and let her hang herself with her own rope.  Reading your response, it looks like I might be a little late making that recommendation.

Hey SD

Now that I’ve confirmed her true colours I’m thinking why did I not even just see it, as I did see it, but why didn’t I acknowledge it. The answer I know now, it stems from my childhood so Solution:  now I must work on that in therapy. It’s got nothing to do with her anymore. Ashe is not the problem I need to focus I’m the problem I need to focus on.

That is remarkable insight, I am glad you thought of this, and are addressing it.

Oh I know she probably is having the time of her life. Today SD however I received 3 phone calls. Each one from her 2 sisters and brother.

I am curious as to what prompted these phone calls? 

The topic matter of these conversations suggests that you may have communicated that you are going to end the relationship with her when she comes back to the states, or did you communicate with her directly, or through one or more of her siblings?

They told me something that blew my mind

They started with sorry this happened to you your a good guy etc.

 then they asked me what She said about her oldest (now deceased) brother. I told them straight that she told me that he had sexually abused my ex as well as the youngest sister.

How did they know to ask this question?  I am missing something here.

All lies they cried. It never happened. Their brother was the sweetest guy there was. She never was abused. She went off the rails when a relationship with a guy called Paul, her first love, broke up with her and she started taking hard drugs as well as cannabis. She the. Straight away got into a relationship with her son’s Dad.

And all the things she said about her son’s Dad. All lies. He was giving, he was a good man he proposed to her when she got pregnant but she then suddenly hated him.

They told me she was a compulsive liar all her life though even before the drugs. Always seeking attention and raging. She tried to abort her baby by running into walls and smoking drugs. She had a bad coke habit. She never took responsibility for her actions and lies and she has now lost everyone.

They have blocked her out completely.

They said how she told them  I was never supportive or a good Dad to her son that I was doing nothing financially all while she was begging them for money as well as me. Everyone.

They said they never even believed it and were sorry for never telling me when she was cheating on me.

I took this opportunity to ask about her son and if they knew where he was is he ok.

He is staying at his Nans house and has now been refusing to go back to her. He hates her and wants to stay there. For the last year and a half when she refused me contact aside to see him once on his birthday she was telling him I didn’t want to know him and that I told her that I don’t really love him.

This is why he changed with me. He thinks I abandoned him. Which breaks my heart.

I asked them to desperately get a message to him that I do love him and want him with me. That I tried to see him but she would not let me. That he can come stay with me if he prefers to his Nan who hardly saw him which I think now was down to her and not his Nan not caring.

So she has gone to America, abandoned her own son, cheated on me and she is now coming back to no family either as they are appalled about what she said about their brother being a sexual predator

If this relationship doesn’t go well she will have nothing. I don’t say this maliciously either. I actually hope it goes well for her sake as the consequences given her suicidal threats in the past could be dire and I don’t wish that on anyone.

But she is not my concern anymore. The revelations by her siblings had erased all doubt in my head that I could have been wrong about her, or it was somehow my fault if only I did better.

Thanks for the story, it sounds as though you may have inadvertently / unintentionally poisoned her relationship with her siblings.  It does reveal the level of dysfunction in her FOO dynamic.

I will send you the link if the vid where they interview each other it’s towards the end of the video if you want to skip it. I don’t mind at all it’s in public space anyway.

I think you might have sent me the wrong video link, he is going solo on an e-bike trespassing in areas and filming ducks, and being out of breath while walking on flat ground.  However, I did find some really new videos with girl from the UK called E***a in it; and I have two videos with Interviews of her (I haven't watched/listened to them yet).  However, I have found one of his office, it is in the basement of a smallish house - he is not quite the stereotype that I painted the other day, but close, slightly better off though.

I’m not sure if he is a nut, his channel seems to do well so he maybe earning a decent wage with 27k subscribers (I’m not sure if that pays a lot?) and now she is involved in it. Plus if he wasn’t serious about her I doubt he would have put her in as it’s his livelihood.

But Yeap a grown man looking for a mythical creature? They go into forest and get excited when they see a broken branch or hear a distant noise thinking they are whistling to them is ridiculous. Hilarious actually as they genuinely look at a rock and claim a Bigfoot placed it there.

It’s up there with flat Earth and loch ness.

I've seen enough to agree with you.  I go on similar adventures, but I don't look for bigfoot, the most exotic thing I have seen recently are black bears, timber rattler, a really long black-snake (about 3 meters).  So, far there is absolutely nothing out of the ordinary.  I did find one video where he was with his son, who was interested in the deer, while he thought he saw bigfoot - the son was right.

Oh I wasn’t disparaging his looks it was just when I asked her about him that’s what she said. But given the fact that the teaching assistant she cheated on me with in 2018 was slightly obese I don’t think looks fall in that high a criteria.

I’m no oil painting SD so I’m not special. She is attractive but she does have a fierce look about her.

I’m not expecting contact from her now. I texted her last night that I know.

It was a long text where I was no longer passive and just told as it was. I told her I know. She is a cheat, she is a liar, she conned me out of money and she is a bad Mother. I didn’t speak to her siblings till today but I wish I could add what I found out to it.

You know what she replied?

“We broke ages ago I’m no cheat”

I replied with screenshots of our texts while she was there. Of her lying about where she was, how she needed time to think etc.

She replied: “I didn’t cheat. ”

This infuriated me and I replied “don’t me, it’s over don’t contact me again” and the blocked her before she could reply. I didn’t want to read anymore and that’s that, NC starts.

In her mind she didn't cheat.  She was likely truthful about needing to think, etc.  It is hard to discern what is true, half-true, or a total distortion of what she thinks is true.  It also sounds like you probably burned some bridges with her.

One of the girls that hit on me last year (definitely had mental health issues, might have been a borderline), she was slender, fit, and attractive; however, she hit on me, and I am 50 lbs overweight (more than the bigfoot hunter), when I declined her advance, so I watched her, and she hit on a guy more than twice my size, he was every bit of 500 lbs (35 stone), probably more, and she was likely around 110 lbs (7-8 stone) and others too, it was amazing how she would go after any swinging d***, absolutely no sense of self-worth.

Regarding YT income, is $2 - $11 per thousand views depending on the content, and a typical channel of 28000 viewers will make  $6k-$29k in gross revenues a year before taxes and YT's cut.  Add that to his retirement pension, whatever that might be, you are still looking at a number well below 6-figures, probably less than half of that.  However, his channel only has a few thousand views per week, he is not making much of anything.

I will get back to you on the videos another day, as I haven't had time to watch them yet.

Please do self-care.  Take care.

SD

[Brokenmind]

Hi SD

I sent her a text telling her I know after the siblings phone call.i was going to wait till she got back but after that call i thought her siblings may tell her before she comes back that I know so sent the message.

I had already sent a message to her brother weeks ago before I knew about America that I was worried about her as I didn’t know if she got to her cousins ok. I said I’m not sure if we are broken up as she said she needed time to know how she feels.

So when they called me I told them about America and it’s now over. They knew she was there already but she told them we had broken up a year ago. Which is not true. I think they called me because she message the sister saying she is now going to live in America.

They then revealed what they told me. they told me that they have already stopped talking to her for months and asked about what she had said about their older brother.

I don’t think I poisoned their relationship as they were already angry with her regarding other accusations she made about them.in fact they have been more or less estranged years ago  from before I even met them.

It was kind of scorched earth in when I messaged her later that I knew about her cheating. I told her it was over and didn’t hold back on what she did to me and her son. I just wanted to get it off my chest and have closure and that she can’t contact me for money anymore or for anything other than her son.

I wanted to burn those bridges SD. I’m completely done. There is no going back even if she comes back begging and crying which she won’t now anyway hence the burning of the bridge.

You have to understand that prior to her flying there she was screaming and shouting at me for money just to go there. She obviously did not care whatsoever about my feelings, well being  or anything so why would I want to keep a bridge open with her? Her son has told her he doesn’t want to go back to her and hates her. So hopefully I will get contact from his Nan so I can see him.

I only regret my actions purely from a moral point of view. But I’m glad that for the first time in 12 years I didn’t hold back and internalise my feelings. I told her exactly what I thought.

Thank you for the feed back on YT it should not really matter to me anyway but I was curious.

In a way I hope it goes well for her there as she has nothing to go back to in London. I don’t want her coming back now completely alone as I don’t think she would be able to live like that.  So I can only imagine how desperate she would be for it to work with this guy.

Do you think it was a mistake what I did?

I have closure, I now know where her son is and a message will get to him for him to contact me.

I just didn’t see why I should wait to tell her I knew the outcome would have been the same anyway.

I have blocked her now.

I don’t know SD I’ve been so up and down that when her siblings called and revealed that she even lied about her own brother sexually abusing her, and I do believe them given the youngest sister was adamant it didn’t happen to her; I got so angry that everything has been one continuous lie.

I’m feeling a bit confused now. Should I have just left it completely and not reacted?

[Brokenmind]

So just to clarify as I think I confused the timeline here.

They asked about what she said about the brother as in previous communication with her brother I mentioned her disorder and how I don’t hate because of what her brother did to he and her sister. He was silent about it but the sisters asked me during the call

So;

Weeks ago just before Christmas I texted her brother worried. He said he is not talking to her so can’t contact her to find out but he will send a message to her cousins house. It was then I told him she has been really mistreating me and I’m not even sure if she love me or even if we are still together . I just don’t know.

I sent a further text to the brother once I found about America and told his sister has gone there, cheating on me after taking money and I’m worried about her son.

They then called me and they told me they knew and told me about all her lies. They asked me about the brother then. I told them

Then sent her the text telling her I knew etc.

[SaltyDawg]

Broken Mind,

I will comment on a few of your thoughts.  I have not yet had the chance to watch the videos, I do have them book marked though.

I had already sent a message to her brother weeks ago before I knew about America that I was worried about her as I didn’t know if she got to her cousins ok. I said I’m not sure if we are broken up as she said she needed time to know how she feels.

So when they called me I told them about America and it’s now over. They knew she was there already but she told them we had broken up a year ago. Which is not true. I think they called me because she message the sister saying she is now going to live in America.

They then revealed what they told me. they told me that they have already stopped talking to her for months and asked about what she had said about their older brother.

You reached out to her brother, as you weren't sure if your were broken up.  Apparently according to her, you were and you had broken up a year ago.  You were unsure if you had broken up, yet, she said that you had broken up over a year ago, I can see how that might be confusing to both you and her brother.

I don’t think I poisoned their relationship as they were already angry with her regarding other accusations she made about them.in fact they have been more or less estranged years ago  from before I even met them.

It was[/b] kind of scorched earth in when I messaged her later that I knew about her cheating. I told her it was over and didn’t hold back on what she did to me and her son. I just wanted to get it off my chest and have closure and that she can’t contact me for money anymore or for anything other than her son.

I wanted to burn those bridges SD. I’m completely done. There is no going back even if she comes back begging and crying which she won’t now anyway hence the burning of the bridge.

I did something similar to my uBPD/uNPD/+exgf, I went scorched earth on her, where I pretty much burned my bridges, as I knew she was a bad apple and didn't want anything to do with her, even though she did come to me to bail her $$ out of jail, after she spent too much money and became bankrupt and owed a lot of people a lot of money, including me.  ki$$sed that money good-bye, and chalked up as a very expensive lesson to learn, the fact of the matter is that I didn't learn, I didn't recognize my current situation, and I am in a lot more poop, and trying to make it work out in order to benefit our children.

You have to understand that prior to her flying there she was screaming and shouting at me for money just to go there. She obviously did not care whatsoever about my feelings, well being  or anything so why would I want to keep a bridge open with her? Her son has told her he doesn’t want to go back to her and hates her. So hopefully I will get contact from his Nan so I can see him.

Hopefully you will be able to get contact; however, he is still her son, and burning your bridges with her, may adversely affect being able to reconnect; or, it will have the opposite effect, and it will push the two of you closer.  Only time will tell.  If you do reconnect, make sure you have a good solid plan, to support her son, not to bad mouth her (best not to even mention her, and if he ask specifically, have some rehearsed answers that will explain in an age appropriate way, without throwing her under the bus, as you don't want to lower yourself to her level).

I only regret my actions purely from a moral point of view. But I’m glad that for the first time in 12 years I didn’t hold back and internalise my feelings. I told her exactly what I thought.

Thank you for the feed back on YT it should not really matter to me anyway but I was curious.

I think it is healthy that you stood up for yourself as well, it is good to let out all of those internalized feelings; however, doing so, there are consequences, and that might be estrangement from her son (only time will tell).  If your intent was to sever ties with her, you likely were effective at doing that.

In a way I hope it goes well for her there as she has nothing to go back to in London. I don’t want her coming back now completely alone as I don’t think she would be able to live like that.  So I can only imagine how desperate she would be for it to work with this guy.

I haven't watched the interview's yet, so I cannot study her and his body language, I really didn't see any weirdness on the videos of them trespassing or hiking in the snow, other than she had fingernails not fit for outdoor activities like that.

Do you think it was a mistake what I did?

Being mindful that she said that she had broken up with you over a year ago, you didn't even know you were broken up not too long ago.  She lied about going to America.  She lied about flying.  There is a lot of estrangement in her family, a big .  She lied to her siblings (or her siblings are hiding their shame).  Only you can answer that question.  I don't know enough (yet) to validate your question, only you can do that for yourself.

I have closure, I now know where her son is and a message will get to him for him to contact me.

It is good that you have closure.  I hope it works out between her son and you.

I just didn’t see why I should wait to tell her I knew the outcome would have been the same anyway.

Whenever, I make a decision like that, I will sleep on it, for at least a week, if not more, to be absolutely sure it is the right decision for me.  I will also dig for answers to questions that don't make sense.  I refuse to be impulsive when it comes to things like that, especially if I have incomplete information, and if I make the wrong decision based on the available facts.  When I ended my relationship with the uBPD...exgf back in 2000, I did it in person, I did it at the restaurant where we had our first date, and I tactfully brought up I found out she was cheating on me, and then with a cool calm voice, informed her that I was breaking up with her for cheating on me (which she did confirm, so I didn't have to show her the irrefutable e-mail from her account).  That's me, and I did me.  Whereas, you did you.

I have blocked her now.

From my perspective, all that does is block open communication (even if it is toxic and riddled with a false narrative). 


[/quote]I don’t know SD I’ve been so up and down that when her siblings called and revealed that she even lied about her own brother sexually abusing her, and I do believe them given the youngest sister was adamant it didn’t happen to her; I got so angry that everything has been one continuous lie.

I’m feeling a bit confused now. Should I have just left it completely and not reacted?[/quote]

Either she is lying, or her siblings are lying, or both are lying, but both cannot be telling the truth.  Who is telling the truth?  With the nature of sexual abuse, it is hard to tell who is lying and who isn't.  You can take a guess, based on each of their other behaviors, which could indicate present and future ones.  I don't like guessing, and I avoid making decisions based on guessing; however, I do make decisions based on facts.

In my personal research, I will clue you in, which I verified with a licensed therapist who trains other therapists.  If she ever switched from hypersexual (wanting sex all the time) to hyposexual (refusing to be sexual) - either direction, or regularly flips between the two, there is >99% probability that person was sexually abused as a child/tween/teen.

I would have done things differently, but that is me.  You did what you felt was right, and from what you described, you have 'closure', so that was likely the right thing for you to do.

So just to clarify as I think I confused the timeline here.

They asked about what she said about the brother as in previous communication with her brother I mentioned her disorder and how I don’t hate because of what her brother did to he and her sister. He was silent about it but the sisters asked me during the call

So;

Weeks ago just before Christmas I texted her brother worried. He said he is not talking to her so can’t contact her to find out but he will send a message to her cousins house. It was then I told him she has been really mistreating me and I’m not even sure if she love me or even if we are still together . I just don’t know.

I sent a further text to the brother once I found about America and told his sister has gone there, cheating on me after taking money and I’m worried about her son.

They then called me and they told me they knew and told me about all her lies. They asked me about the brother then. I told them

Then sent her the text telling her I knew etc.

Thanks for sharing that. 

You have done what you have done.  I think you can expect to hear from her again in the future, especially if you are in contact with her son.  How do you plan on moving forward?

Take care.

SD

[Brokenmind]

Thanks S
Yea it’s confusing, but we never broke up during the last year. We were not getting on but don’t forget as recently as October she was accusing me of cheating, she said she loved me. She would still ask me for money and get me involved with her problems. Does that’s sound like someone who has broken up with me.

Each time I asked her we need to talk as we can’t carry on like this as it feels like “we are divorced and just doing this for her son”. She would tell me she loved me but doesnt know why she can’t show it.

Admittedly I also had had enough and was trying like is used to. I was burnt out.

But we never broke up. It was only in November that things started to get really bad and weren’t even calling each other everyday. This is at the same time she started with this guy. I think they must have been flirting for months but it must of hit serious then. Hence her first visit mid December.

She betrayed me plain and simple, the anger I have is that when that was happening I got desperate and was begging her just to speak to me all while she is shouting at me for money. It was like she was trying to take as much as she could from me for her trip.

I’m sorry to hear about the loss in money you spent. Why do you think we do it? You seem like a very self aware intelligent person did you have the same gut feeling that you should not like I did? I mean the last request to me for money, I knew in my gut I shouldn’t as if I knew it was for nothing. And despite suspecting the sob story she gave me I still did it. I don’t actually get why? Did I have a hope we might reconcile? Not really. So again why did I?

Regarding her son. That’s the thing SD. When I spoke to her sisters they were raging that she is abandoning him completely.

She IS moving to America with this guy and her son is to stay with his Nan. He said he hates his Mum and doesn’t want to see her again. He spoke of me too and said he loves me but he was hurt that I was around so little this last year.

I always got on with his Nan as she saw I was really calm and good with my ex son and he loved me. So I’m hoping to get contact with her Nan and then have a relationship with him from there. You have to understand I love him like my own and I don’t think he will serve as a reminder of her. We are both survivors of her.

She is completely out of the picture. Which again makes me hate her even more. It’s one thing what she did to me but it shows what kind of woman she is that she would abandon her son like this.

It has definitely killed any hope I had of reconciling with her and I find her abhorrent but my heart is breaking for her son.

I remain hopeful I will reconnect.

I stopped going onto the channel as I’m done with focusing on her and what she is doing now. I just want to fix my life, get stronger and find my own happiness. Hers is inconsequential now.

I’m still depressed, I’m still angry, but I’m no longer feeling like I have lost the love of my life. I truly just see her live as the idealisation that it was. Unhealthy and toxic,

Her son and me were victims of this. He never even chose this I did. But we had such a bond when he was growing up. It was almost like only me and him truly endured and know what it was like to be with her. He says to his auntie that he knows I love him and I just want to reconnect with him.

Can I just say that you all have been my companions during these last 2 months. Seriously aside from my therapists. This has been my only outlet.

Specially thanks to SD, you have gone so deep with me in this and thank you.

[EyesUp]

@BMind,

A few comments on your last post...

Yea it’s confusing, but we never broke up during the last year. We were not getting on but don’t forget as recently as October she was accusing me of cheating, she said she loved me. She would still ask me for money and get me involved with her problems. Does that’s sound like someone who has broken up with me.


This sounds like someone who isn't in a stable relationship, who is possibly projecting, and who hasn't established some boundaries.

She would tell me she loved me but doesnt know why she can’t show it.


Painful or at least confusing to hear, right?  Yet, possibly some honesty in that statement...  Listen to that one.

But we never broke up. It was only in November that things started to get really bad and weren’t even calling each other everyday. This is at the same time she started with this guy. I think they must have been flirting for months but it must of hit serious then. Hence her first visit mid December.


Not sure if this term is allowed here or if it already came up, but this is sometimes referred to as "monkey-branching" - rather than come to a firm decision and communicate directly with honesty and sincererity - an insecure person might seek a safety net with someone new before cutting off their former partner.  It sounds like that's what happened to you.

She betrayed me plain and simple, the anger I have is that when that was happening I got desperate and was begging her just to speak to me all while she is shouting at me for money. It was like she was trying to take as much as she could from me for her trip.


No one likes being misled, or used.  I'm sorry she did that.  You're probably equally upset with yourself and with her for this situation.  I suggest that you direct that anger and frustration into resolve to learn and do the things you need to do to avoid getting into a situation like this again.

I’m sorry to hear about the loss in money you spent. Why do you think we do it? You seem like a very self aware intelligent person did you have the same gut feeling that you should not like I did? I mean the last request to me for money, I knew in my gut I shouldn’t as if I knew it was for nothing. And despite suspecting the sob story she gave me I still did it. I don’t actually get why? Did I have a hope we might reconcile? Not really. So again why did I?


I know this was for SD, I'm sure he'll comment too.

My take:  When you're in a transactional relationship, but hoping for more, you might agree to go along with the other person's wishes in order to gain favor, to win some goodwill, to gain some confidence...  i.e., to try to make it work on some level from an insecure position.  Or, you might be operating out of FOG. 

I remain hopeful I will reconnect.


I think you're refering to her son?   As you explore options, I encourage you to keep your self interests front and center.  You can't be an effective parent if your motivations are mixed.  There's no way to have a relationship with this kid without also having some entanglement with his mom - you know this, and to think otherwise is very... optimistic. Blood is thicker than water, and even if she disappears for a year or two or ten, she can pop up again anytime...  she will have excuses and explanations...  "I've changed, I'm better, I'm sorry...." and also lots of blame and victim narrative

You got a raw deal.  Objectively, it's even worse for the kid.  I can only imagine how you feel about all of this.  Nonetheless, I encourage you to take your time with this.  A week, a month, a year - take the time necessary to understand your own feelings and motives, the support and resources you will need from your own community (however isolated you may feel at the moment), your readiness to parent full-time, the legal and logistical aspects of all of this (no matter what her family says), etc.  Please take your time.

Here in the US, good luck registering a kid in a new school without a birth certificate and both parents' signatures.  Don't get me started on passports or international travel.  And then there are annual tax returns...  I'm not suggesting that these are reasons to avoid responsibility, only that you should go into the decision with full information - including the nuts and bolts, which may be time consuming to gain control over, particularly if your ex is not a willing and supportive participant.

I stopped going onto the channel as I’m done with focusing on her and what she is doing now. I just want to fix my life, get stronger and find my own happiness.


I like where you're going here... 

[Brokenmind]

Hey Eyesup.

Thank you to be honest it’s been such a whirlwind for the last 2 months I’m not proud of some of the things I did .I should have just gone NC with everyone including her siblings.

They did reveal a lot of things that were lies. Her childhood abuse, al the stories she told me about her promiscuous oldest sister were about what she did herself. Example when she met me she said she only had 2 sexual partners where her sister slept with over 40 guys. According to her siblings this was my ex not the sister.

But I overreacted and sent her texts I’m not proud of. It’s like SD said I went scorched earth.

I have left it completely now .i sent her a text saying I only want contact if it’s to do with her son.

Her siblings told me that her son wants nothing to with her anymore. He also said I abandoned him but he loves me as I was the only one there for him for 12 years as she isolated us Both.

So the Nan is going to contact me so I can talk to him and have a relationship.

She on the other hand is intending on moving to America and “agree” it’s for the best that her son stays in the Uk.

She disowned her son, lost her family and me and for her it’s a fresh start with another man. I say good luck to her. And for the first time I actually mean it.

I have no hope or want to have her back in my life. I just want to have a relationship with her son as we have a father/son bond and I love and care about him.

I no longer have anger for her either .i just want to heal and find myself again.The dark feelings have changed to a drive to be a better person. Be the person I want not the person that others need.

This is the biggest thing to happen in my life. I went though and endured so much.if I didn’t, I would still be in the same place right now. If it wasn’t for this other guy she would still be clinging on to me and I will still happily be bonded in trauma.

I’ve been given another chance in life .it may not be the dream I had but it’s still a precious life that I’m lucky to have.

Life is precious, time to appreciate it for me.

[Brokenmind]

Ok this is starting to freak me out.

I’m reading my message from yesterday and today I feel the complete opposite!!

 I have this really bad feeling of self hate. I can’t stand the fact that everywhere I look reminds me of the damage that I willingly allowed her to do to me.

I know I know I’m going to feel like I’m in that rollercoaster still.

I just don’t understand why I feel like I’m this caged prisoner and after 12 years I’m refusing to leave the cage even though the door is wide open!

It’s like I don’t anything now other than that cage the real world now is alien to me.

I suppose I need more time to heal. My therapist said to expect these feelings and these first tiny steps are the hardest. 

[EyesUp]

It's a new day. 

This is normal.

You are going to get through it.

I don't know if you've ever spent any meaningful amount of time on a boat, but when you get back to terra firma, you still perceive the motion of the boat for some time...   

You're just starting to get your feet back on solid ground with this.  You're going to continue to feel the waves, the tides, the lunar cycles - whatever metaphor you like - for some time.

Straight talk:  Like an addict, you're going to miss the drug - even though you decided to quit, and even though you know it'll kill you.

Sounds like your T is giving you good advice.

The best advice I can offer - and I know it's hard - is to do things for yourself.  Reconnect with yourself.   Watch that show that you used to like, but your ex refused to watch.  Eat that food that you used to like, but your ex refused to share.  Call or write to those old friends - when you're ready. 

All of this takes time, but as the old saying goes:  A journey of a thousand miles begins with just a few steps.

Hang in there, and don't be surprised when you find yourself cycling through all the emotions:  doubt, regret, loneliness, anger, anxiety, sadness...  all that stuff. 

Another old saying:  Pain is weakness - Leaving the body.

Which is another way of saying that you're going to be stronger when you get to the other side of this thing.

Along with your T, we're here.

I don't mean to seem glib about how you're feeling in any way, but... what are you plans for the weekend?  I propose: Think about something you'd like to do:  Read a book, see a film, get out...

[SaltyDawg]

BM,

   I must apologize for not getting back to you sooner.  I did watch 2 of the YT video where E***a was there, I really didn't see much, the guy, Mike, did most of the talking (like 99%), and your pwBPD didn't do much talking, except when spoken to.  On occasion Mike did a "be quiet" kind of thing to her when she thanked the viewers towards the end of one of the videos which struck me as kind of odd.

   I also noticed several other women commenting, almost flirting with Mike, so your ex has to compete for his attention and affection with them.  I also observed Mike is employing other methods of dark psychology on them, and keeping them hooked by offering trinkets (mask, necklace, stickers, etc.) to watch his channel (bread-crumbing).  I did notice that your exgf picked the 'white' mask that he was giving away.  Even though he presents as calm and laid back, I sense there are some grandiose overtones there, hints of being a NPD (I can't diagnose or say for certain; however, my CRAYDAR was definitely going off on him) - which is a compatible partner with BPD in addition to codependents.  When Mike is challenged with putting GPS trackers in the gifts by one of his viewers, and also for getting better cameras to capture bigfoot, he pushes back and makes up all kinds of excuses why he doesn't do this.  He and her also hiked in the snow together offering up 'gifts' of marbles and apples to Bigfoot, the marbles were taken.  He also referenced using his own tracks in the snow to get back to the gift site, yet, there is no mention of any bigfoot tracks.  A lot of things do not make sense.

   My biggest observation about Mike is that he exclusively uses his phone and relies on an on-line map for his whereabouts - anyone with any kind of outdoor experience knows to bring your own offline map, as cellular coverage is spotty at best in the areas where he is exploring, which shows he is not the brightest light bulb in the box.

   He also mentioned that Bigfoot made a lot of calls towards her, and he indicated a level of envy that she is getting from bigfoot and he isn't - an overt display of flattery towards her.  When she was asked if she had any encounter with bigfoot, she indicated in the negative, but did talk about balls of light in the pouring rain.

   Regarding her, she has a poor internet connection (pixelating, and slow frame rates), smokes in bed, and looks rather unkempt (or as you put it 'rough').  I found it funny that Mike asked her if she was having tea (a british stereotype), and she said, "coffee".

   That's my initial impression of both of them, based on a few YT videos.  I suspect he might be a Narc, and she is very introverted, but an impulsive thrill seeker.  This will work in the short term; however, I do not think it will be a long term thing.

   Let's shift to your few posts...

Yea it’s confusing, but we never broke up during the last year. We were not getting on but don’t forget as recently as October she was accusing me of cheating, she said she loved me. She would still ask me for money and get me involved with her problems. Does that’s sound like someone who has broken up with me.

No, it does not sound like someone who has broken up with you.

Each time I asked her we need to talk as we can’t carry on like this as it feels like “we are divorced and just doing this for her son”. She would tell me she loved me but doesnt know why she can’t show it.

She was likely telling the truth here.  pwBPD, often don't know why she couldn't show it, as they have a feeling of emptiness inside of them, that is often expressed in this manner.

But we never broke up. It was only in November that things started to get really bad and weren’t even calling each other everyday. This is at the same time she started with this guy. I think they must have been flirting for months but it must of hit serious then. Hence her first visit mid December.

She betrayed me plain and simple, the anger I have is that when that was happening I got desperate and was begging her just to speak to me all while she is shouting at me for money. It was like she was trying to take as much as she could from me for her trip.

You knew it was getting bad.  Yes, she did betray your trust.  The anger is real, and I feel that your perception is accurate.

I’m sorry to hear about the loss in money you spent. Why do you think we do it? You seem like a very self aware intelligent person did you have the same gut feeling that you should not like I did? I mean the last request to me for money, I knew in my gut I shouldn’t as if I knew it was for nothing. And despite suspecting the sob story she gave me I still did it. I don’t actually get why? Did I have a hope we might reconcile? Not really. So again why did I?

At the time I did it for my exgf, it was purely for 'sympathy' in the moment - I felt 'sorry' for her, and I wanted to help, and money is an 'easy fix' for this.  However, when I found out that the money was not spent as she said it should have, I was p!ssed, I also knew I would never see it again, so I eventually cut off her gravy train, and then she looked elsewhere, ghosted me, cheated on me, and when money got tight she tried to recycle me, at which time I collected my stuff and left her and her two children. 

Regarding her son. That’s the thing SD. When I spoke to her sisters they were raging that she is abandoning him completely.

It looks like she is one of the 10% of women who do not see their children as an extension of themselves, and is only in it for her own gratification.  Even though it hurts like hell right now, if she can treat her own blood that way, what kind behaviors can you expect?

She IS moving to America with this guy and her son is to stay with his Nan. He said he hates his Mum and doesn’t want to see her again. He spoke of me too and said he loves me but he was hurt that I was around so little this last year.

I'm glad you have this connection with her son.  You can explain to him, why you weren't around that much.  However, if you do rebuild this relationship, just be aware, that she can re-enter his/your life at any time, whether this is tomorrow, or a decade or two away or anytime in between (unless she dies). 

I always got on with his Nan as she saw I was really calm and good with my ex son and he loved me. So I’m hoping to get contact with her Nan and then have a relationship with him from there. You have to understand I love him like my own and I don’t think he will serve as a reminder of her. We are both survivors of her.

I would recommend talking with your own therapist on this topic, and make sure that this is the best for him first and foremost, and for you as well. 

She is completely out of the picture. Which again makes me hate her even more. It’s one thing what she did to me but it shows what kind of woman she is that she would abandon her son like this.

It has definitely killed any hope I had of reconciling with her and I find her abhorrent but my heart is breaking for her son.

I remain hopeful I will reconnect.

I can only assume that is for reconnecting with her son (& Nan), and not her.  The mental illness controls her mind to the point of allowing her to abandon her son, you, and others like this.

I stopped going onto the channel as I’m done with focusing on her and what she is doing now. I just want to fix my life, get stronger and find my own happiness. Hers is inconsequential now.

I hope I didn't trigger you additionally with my observations.  However, after watching an hour and a half, I would agree there is not much there, and it is 'inconsequential'.  Focus on the future and finding what makes you happy.

I’m still depressed, I’m still angry, but I’m no longer feeling like I have lost the love of my life. I truly just see her live as the idealisation that it was. Unhealthy and toxic,

Her son and me were victims of this. He never even chose this I did. But we had such a bond when he was growing up. It was almost like only me and him truly endured and know what it was like to be with her. He says to his auntie that he knows I love him and I just want to reconnect with him.

It sounds like you have processed this quite well, and are seeing it from what it truly was.
 

Can I just say that you all have been my companions during these last 2 months. Seriously aside from my therapists. This has been my only outlet.

Specially thanks to SD, you have gone so deep with me in this and thank you.

You're welcome, I too find BPD Family to be a very good outlet.  Be sure to take care of yourself.

-----

They did reveal a lot of things that were lies. Her childhood abuse, al the stories she told me about her promiscuous oldest sister were about what she did herself. Example when she met me she said she only had 2 sexual partners where her sister slept with over 40 guys. According to her siblings this was my ex not the sister.

Often a pwBPD, will project their own behaviors on to others.  What you describe is classic psychological 'projection' or 'transference,' where your ex had slept with 40 men, but projected that fact on to her sister, where she will project or transfer her own behaviors on to another.  Usually this behavior is shameful, but not always.  There is usually some seed of truth in what they say; however, who this is attributable to is often very hard to discern.

Her siblings told me that her son wants nothing to with her anymore. He also said I abandoned him but he loves me as I was the only one there for him for 12 years as she isolated us Both.

So the Nan is going to contact me so I can talk to him and have a relationship.

She on the other hand is intending on moving to America and “agree” it’s for the best that her son stays in the Uk.

She disowned her son, lost her family and me and for her it’s a fresh start with another man. I say good luck to her. And for the first time I actually mean it.

I have no hope or want to have her back in my life. I just want to have a relationship with her son as we have a father/son bond and I love and care about him.

I can see how her son may feel that way about you, as you were part of his mum's life, and your first priority at the time was his mum; however, he was part of that 'package deal' and you had a good relationship with him too.  From what I understand it was his mum that initiated the isolation between him and you.  So, if and when you connect, at least initially, perhaps, have a therapist there to do some 'family type' therapy, a few sessions, until he can process the 'imagined' abandonment, and things can mend. 

I no longer have anger for her either .i just want to heal and find myself again.The dark feelings have changed to a drive to be a better person. Be the person I want not the person that others need.

This is the biggest thing to happen in my life. I went though and endured so much.if I didn’t, I would still be in the same place right now. If it wasn’t for this other guy she would still be clinging on to me and I will still happily be bonded in trauma.

I’ve been given another chance in life .it may not be the dream I had but it’s still a precious life that I’m lucky to have.

Life is precious, time to appreciate it for me.

There is always a silver lining, even though the cost of this lining is immense.  This is a learning lesson for all of us, some harder than others.  It is what we do with what we have learned which will determine our ultimate fate of success and/or failure in life.

-----

Ok this is starting to freak me out.

I’m reading my message from yesterday and today I feel the complete opposite!!

 I have this really bad feeling of self hate. I can’t stand the fact that everywhere I look reminds me of the damage that I willingly allowed her to do to me.

I know I know I’m going to feel like I’m in that rollercoaster still.

I just don’t understand why I feel like I’m this caged prisoner and after 12 years I’m refusing to leave the cage even though the door is wide open!

It’s like I don’t anything now other than that cage the real world now is alien to me.

I suppose I need more time to heal. My therapist said to expect these feelings and these first tiny steps are the hardest.

I agree with your therapist, you will have good days, and not so good days.  You are starting the healing process from a traumatic relationship.

The best thing you can do is employ coping mechanisms with healthy self-care.  I personally do exercise in the wilderness (no sasquatch has been spotted yet) with mountain overlooks, mountain streams, and being in the sun and elements.  At night, I get lost in a good tv series I haven't watched yet, a movie, a book, etc.  Join a club/hobby that you are interested in.  I know the UK is famous for a tremendous variety of such groups.

If you have questions on recovery/coping/etc.  Please continue to vent here. 

Take care.

SD

[Brokenmind]

Holy cow SD!

You actually made me belly laugh with your reply!

Thank you for putting some Batman like detective work there!

I too noticed the other women  on there and in his interactions with them. I also noticed she only started flirting with him from 3 months ago. But when I did look at the vids I felt like I was behaving like a stalker so I haven’t bothered going in since.

Whether he is npd or not it doesn’t concern me. I’ve literally got to this point where I  really don’t know care who he is. The main thing is I know what she is.

If I’m honest with myself I do have a morbid curiosity and I hate the fact that I do hope she gets what she deserves and ends up alone and is being used  by this guy. But this is not who Iam. It shouldn’t matter. I’m what matters now.

Her appearance is actually a damn sight better than how she normally was.. Over the years she made no effort with appearance and normally has her hair tied tight and no make up on. That smoking, was constant and  it’ was weed not cigarettes.. It makes me believe that she is hiding her cannabis habit from him; that along with the texts to me prior with her saying she needs to “get better” in her head I think she is trying to be someone she is not to him (which also makes  sense in that she needed me for cash and could not ask him).

See, all this? I shouldn’t even be thinking about it. But I can’t help but try and see what really happened and it kinda helps. Her sisters telling me she slept around a lot before I met her when she told me she’s only been with 2 guys before helped. Knowing she is capable of lying about her own brother abusing he, helped. Being told that she cheated on me numerous times and not twice that I knew, helped. They made me see her for what she is. Which is well; mentally ill.

That’s just it. She has a mental health disorder. It’s not her fault but it certainly ain’t mine.

In a way right now I only have revulsion for myself for being a man that had so little  self respect to not walk away. You could say it shows I’m loyal, loving, caring. But I don’t think so. Those are healthy traits to have.

No, I stayed for my own childhood wounds. I stayed because I grew up watching my Mother bend backwards for my father and saw that as that’s what you do for love. I saw her and tried to be Mother. It worked for them didn’t it. I never saw my parents as having a toxic relationship.

I’ve learnt that now. Yes a lot of damage and a decade long lesson but it’s happened. I can’t change it either. I can only try and step forward.

I’m going to try at least.

The thought of her having a good life with him again shouldn’t matter. Yes deep down I daily think and hope it doesn’t and even morbidly hope it all messes up and she tries to charm me back and I would say no.

But I need to stop that. It’s not healthy (nor nice).

If she has a good life or not it shouldn’t matter to me because it won’t change who she is and who she is; is not someone I want in my life.

I love her son and that won’t change and he is the only innocent one in all of this so I will always be there for him if he wants me there.

Other than that, it’s time I stop neglecting the one person I really let down.

Me.

(I prob will be back tomorrow feeling the opposite so don’t hold your breath )

SD thank you again buddy. Truly.

If you are ever in London know you have a friend who wants to buy you a beer or 10 so let me know 

 

[Brokenmind]

Ok so she has reached out and something else has happened

It was a weird text almost like she was replying to another text. It wrote  “I didnt say that Wtf?” Then another text saying “wait”.

The last text I sent her I was asking about her son and his well being.

I didn’t reply for hours as I contemplated whether it was meant for me or not. I finally replied with just a “ ?”.

No reply since.

Is this to keep me engaged? to see if I would reply? Was it even meant for me? Was the whole point to keep me thinking like I’m doing now?

Admittedly it did keep me up last night and I woke up in tears this morning.

Today I looked on my FB (reactivated after 8 years when I was forced to by my ex).

I got a friend request from this woman in the US. I checked her profile and it my ex new partners ex wife! She liked some of my post but send a heart and kiss on the one post I put up which hinted at my situation:

I put a post simply saying “Treating myself for the first time in 12 years feels weird”. It wasn’t even about my ex but obviously hints at my situation.

He shares children with her and looks like they broke up just under a year ago. I haven’t accepted the request.

What is this about? Having checked further I can see she is similar to my ex in looks, prettier, but she is an extrovert compared to my ex. She has put up posts regarding:

1) not getting child support
2) How fathers should not expect their children to reach out to them when it’s the Fathers job
3) How a man that looks for Bigfoot should be more concerned about seeing their children.

So it doesn’t sound like it was an amicable break up between them. 

Question remains; should I accept the request?

 I feel I shouldn’t because why am I bothering getting involved and staying invested is not healthy for me? What’s the point? To keep a link? To try and hurt this guy by flirting with his ex?No; aside from me feeling like I want what happened to me to happen to this guy I’m not built this way. 

 I’m still tempted to accept just so I can hear more about what is happening or more about this guy. But I’m not going to.

NC should be just that and that includes crap like this.

What does everything think I should do? Accept it?

Today I’m writing some aims and timelines for me. I wrote down what would make me happy and me alone. I’ve got all this time now freed up from the daily trauma I had before. Instead of trying to be stuck in that trauma cage I  need to get out of that cage.

Have you ever seen an animal that’s been caged? If it was caged for 12 years it became institutionalised. Even if you open the cage door and the animal can see that big wide world with endless possibilities it will still stay in that cage.  That trauma has become the norm.

I see myself like that. Been living in trauma for so long that now the cage door is open I don’t want to leave that trauma.

Whenever I thought about what would make me happy  it always was:, “I want to meet someone that I love and loves me and have a family, raise that family and grow old together”.

I’m changing that outlook. I should aim to be happy alone and if I find someone great, if I don’t I’m still happy with life. I should depend on others to feel like I have worth.

I should know I have worth.

[OKrunch]

the text you got was definitely an intentional accident.
She was fishing to see if it got any reaction.
To make sure she stayed on your mind.
I wouldn't bother with the friend request. Seems like more drama.

[Brokenmind]

Thanks OKrunch

This is what thought as well. But she did reply to my ? today.

She texted that her son’s Nan doesn’t want me to have her number and she will call me in a couple of days (I’m presuming when she comes back).

She then sent another text straight away saying to wait until her son gets his new phone.

So No 1 I’m confused  as I don’t if she will call and/or her son will call once he gets his new phone.?

No 2 it’s what I wanted in regards to her son and getting contact with him. Her manner however was so cold that it has left me feeling emotional again.

No 3  getting paranoid thinking this friend request from his ex wife is some elaborate ruse. I know I shouldn’t accept it anyway as aside from. Her son I need her out of my line of thinking completely, no links, nothing.

On a different topic OKrunch I came across that well known quote: “Better to have loved than never loved at all”

I laughed to myself thinking clearly whoever wrote this has never dated my ex. Oh well at least something made me laugh today.

[Anonymous_male]

Hej BM,

I also get a minute sometime to laugh at the situation. Good for you.

Only you can decide how to move forward, but if it were me I would do the following...

#1 Please don't put yourself in a situation where you depend on her to call at some time. It will only leave you in her control, waiting for contact. This is torture. If her son gets a phone and can communicate with you directly, this would definitely be preferable. You need to go NC with her now as much as possible imo.

#2 She must not have the power over you. Again, I would go NC and stay as far away as possible. As long as you remain in contact with her, you will not be on the road of recovery. You will be delaying your recovery. You deserve better.

#3 You are so right. I would stay far away from anything relating to this situation, except for her son of course. Sure we can be curious, but you must shut it down. You cannot be anywhere close to this situation (my thoughts).

I have read most of your posts, and often I find something that I can directly relate to myself. You are not alone on this and I am fighting my own battle. But I think deep inside of us we know what to do. Our thoughts are just blurred due to feelings and the trauma bond. I think the longer we go NC and forget about the person, the more clearly we are able to see our direction and do the right thing.

No one should tell you what to do but yourself of course. This is only from my point of view I hope you know 

[Brokenmind]

Hey AM

Than you for your reply as you can see I’m on here quite a lot as aside from therapy it’s literally only here I can feel understood,

Regarding your points.

1)You are right; at the moment I’m depending on her in order to get contact with her son. Once I establish a direct line with him there is no more communication with her.

But there is a but, in that if she comes back and he lives with her I fear she will use me for money again and I’ll never be free of her. So I hope he stays with his Nan and I can see him from there.

2) I know, it really got to me getting that text. It made me emotional again and I feel like I’m back to square one again. Again you are right I need to go NC I’m just hanging in there for her son.

3) Definitely not getting involved with his ex wife by accepting a friend request. If she wants to tell me something she can message me through FB and without me accepting her friend request as some sort of tit for rat with them. I’m definitely staying away!

Thank you AM and I know you are going through it as well.

Sometimes I look at my posts and I feel like I’m ranting in some of them. Plus I know AM, it’s my decision but it helps so much to get different points of views, especially when I know others can see my issues more clearly than those experiencing it.

At the moment I’m getting that angry feeling of just wishing I could just forget about it for just 1 whole hour. It’s really doing my head in as it’s so exhausting.

[OKrunch]

She's going to identify that her son is the only lake to you that is going to get any results and she's going to use that to her advantage.

[OKrunch]

*link

[Anonymous_male]

I agree with Okrunch. I also believe that they will use the tools that they have available to them, to get what they want. I fear the same will have happen to me, when my child is born.

We must not allow them to have that power over us. A proper plan is needed, to deal with any scenario. Preserving our right to live as free people.

[Brokenmind]

I get that OKrunch and AM

This is why I’m in such a state.

I know she has absolutely no care for my well being and will use whatever she’s got.

You see right now the situation I see is this:

Before  this guy the relationship with me was ending.

But she needed me for financial support. She tried to carry this on and kept this new relationship a secret. So it all depends on how it goes with this guy.

Scenario 1
If this guy has enmeshed with her like I did and he proposes she moves to the states from now. Her son stays with the Nan. Hopefully I get contact and I won’t ever have contact with her again

Scenario 2
He is not enmeshed yet. In which case she comes back to London, she will then be the one contacting for me to speak to her son and requesting what he needs. In other words she carries on using me until her relationship with this guy reaches scenario 1.

Scenario 3
This guy was just playing for fun or just doesn’t want her. In which case she will feel used and then try and get back with me through her son. She already (according to her sister) boasted to her cousin that I still want her back. So either that or she won’t want me back still but will just use me for cash.

Her moving to another continent is the best outcome.

So for me I’ve now gone from hoping her relationship fails to actually rooting for it. How funny is that.

[Brokenmind]

Sorry everyone for all the venting.

Today I started obsessively looking at any new YouTube videos her new bf has posted. The latest was just in darkness in some wilderness listening to animals. I could hear her voice clearly whispering to him all excited.

I got so angry!

I feel I’ve lost everything and she just got rescued and will be even better than before. I keep thinking this guy will make her so happy that her disorder will somehow be cured and she lives happily ever after.

The thing is I know her. New man, New country, new start, that will keep her idealising mask on tight for many years to come.

I wish I could just go completely NC. If it wasn’t for her son I know I would have. Then again I would have left her a long long time ago if he wasnt there.

I’m still in this trauma bond and it’s only me now that’s not letting go. Time I did.

For my love of a child I raised as my own I will have more trauma from her to come.

I accept it. I’m enduring that for him.

I accept she is what she is. If she finds happiness  then so what, that should only bother me if I wanted her back. And I truly don’t.

I NEED to accept the new me.

It may not be as good as the old me. I’ve lost my youth, innocence, that smile, that energy, lost any trust I had in the good in others,

 But I’m also wiser, I know my own flaws now. I certainly  wouldn’t put up with the abuse I went through with anyone else or sacrifice myself so fully for anyone again and that’s not a bad thing.

I have a lot of love to give still. Before I give it to anyone I’ll reserve some for myself.

SOOOOO

 from this day forth I will swap devoting 8 hours of my day  thinking about the past.

Instead I will swap it for the following:

Start applying for better jobs, Stop smoking like a chimney, Join a Gym, get a haircut, shave that beard off, book France and finish that book, actually buy some nice clothes, eat well and put on 2 stone in weight, reconnect with old friends, get a dog,

I’m a single 46 year old man. I have no responsibilities as such. I can go anywhere in the world and do whenever I want. Hell I can go exploring in the Amazon if I really wanted. The world is my oyster.

This life is my journey no one else’s. So I’m going to walk that path for me.

If I meet a woman along the way that wants to walk it with me then great. But I’m sticking to that path as it’s who Iam.

[SaltyDawg]

Broken Mind,

   Thank you for sharing, again, sorry it took a little bit to get back to you.

Holy cow SD!

You actually made me belly laugh with your reply!

Thank you for putting some Batman like detective work there!

I too noticed the other women  on there and in his interactions with them. I also noticed she only started flirting with him from 3 months ago. But when I did look at the vids I felt like I was behaving like a stalker so I haven’t bothered going in since.

Whether he is npd or not it doesn’t concern me. I’ve literally got to this point where I  really don’t know care who he is. The main thing is I know what she is.

I hope you found my 'sasquatch' comment funny.  My wife's cousin's husband has one in his yard and I  know someone else who has full-size statues of them in their respective yards.

The way he treats women on his channel, as though they are 'play things' for his amusement - he may be treating her that way too, and your ex is also treating them that way on the trinket give-a-ways - perhaps she is mirroring?

Her appearance is actually a damn sight better than how she normally was.. Over the years she made no effort with appearance and normally has her hair tied tight and no make up on. That smoking, was constant and  it’ was weed not cigarettes.. It makes me believe that she is hiding her cannabis habit from him; that along with the texts to me prior with her saying she needs to “get better” in her head I think she is trying to be someone she is not to him (which also makes  sense in that she needed me for cash and could not ask him).

Now that you have called her out on this, she knows it will be up to her to figure this bit out.

That’s just it. She has a mental health disorder. It’s not her fault but it certainly ain’t mine.

No it isn't your fault; however, it has developed the trauma bond in you.

In a way right now I only have revulsion for myself for being a man that had so little  self respect to not walk away. You could say it shows I’m loyal, loving, caring. But I don’t think so. Those are healthy traits to have.

It is those traits that has gotten you in this situation.  I  have the same traits.  Unfortunately, like everywhere in life there are people that take advantage of us, specifically borderlines. who are looking for someone to take care of them, for life.

No, I stayed for my own childhood wounds. I stayed because I grew up watching my Mother bend backwards for my father and saw that as that’s what you do for love. I saw her and tried to be Mother. It worked for them didn’t it. I never saw my parents as having a toxic relationship.

I never saw my parents have that kind of relationship either; however, I did have a brother who had comparatively minor mental health issues (ADHD, and substance use) where my parents bent backwards to accommodate him, while kind of neglecting my emotional needs.

I love her son and that won’t change and he is the only innocent one in all of this so I will always be there for him if he wants me there.

Stay focused on this, I think this is brilliant.

Other than that, it’s time I stop neglecting the one person I really let down.

Me.

I agree, that is an awesome idea you have.

If you are ever in London know you have a friend who wants to buy you a beer or 10 so let me know 

I will definitely look you up.  Never been to London (except Hethrow on a connecting flight), but I have been in the northern part of England on the Humber river many years ago.  I've also been to Scotland as well, near Glasgow.  Would like to visit some time in the future, like wise if you are ever near Washington DC, USA send me a message.

Ok so she has reached out and something else has happened

It was a weird text almost like she was replying to another text. It wrote  “I didnt say that Wtf?” Then another text saying “wait”.

The last text I sent her I was asking about her son and his well being.

I didn’t reply for hours as I contemplated whether it was meant for me or not. I finally replied with just a “ ?”.

No reply since.

Is this to keep me engaged? to see if I would reply? Was it even meant for me? Was the whole point to keep me thinking like I’m doing now?

Admittedly it did keep me up last night and I woke up in tears this morning.

Who knows why she texted you, perhaps a misdirected text.  I too would have replied with a "?" if I were in your shoes.  However, with it keeping you up all night, this is not healthy - I know this is easier said than done, but try not to let it bother you.
 

Today I looked on my FB (reactivated after 8 years when I was forced to by my ex).

I got a friend request from this woman in the US. I checked her profile and it my ex new partners ex wife! She liked some of my post but send a heart and kiss on the one post I put up which hinted at my situation:

I put a post simply saying “Treating myself for the first time in 12 years feels weird”. It wasn’t even about my ex but obviously hints at my situation.

He shares children with her and looks like they broke up just under a year ago. I haven’t accepted the request.

What is this about? Having checked further I can see she is similar to my ex in looks, prettier, but she is an extrovert compared to my ex. She has put up posts regarding:

1) not getting child support
2) How fathers should not expect their children to reach out to them when it’s the Fathers job
3) How a man that looks for Bigfoot should be more concerned about seeing their children.

So it doesn’t sound like it was an amicable break up between them. 

Question remains; should I accept the request?

What you do is up to you.  If you accept, you will have more drama on your hands, and anyone who is deliberately with a man chasing fantasy creatures in real life (beyond a statue) needs to reexamine their motives, she may not be emotionally stable herself.  I am wondering how she found out about you?

I feel I shouldn’t because why am I bothering getting involved and staying invested is not healthy for me? What’s the point? To keep a link? To try and hurt this guy by flirting with his ex?No; aside from me feeling like I want what happened to me to happen to this guy I’m not built this way.

 

I agree with you on this.

Today I’m writing some aims and timelines for me. I wrote down what would make me happy and me alone. I’ve got all this time now freed up from the daily trauma I had before. Instead of trying to be stuck in that trauma cage I  need to get out of that cage.

Have you ever seen an animal that’s been caged? If it was caged for 12 years it became institutionalised. Even if you open the cage door and the animal can see that big wide world with endless possibilities it will still stay in that cage.  That trauma has become the norm.

I see myself like that. Been living in trauma for so long that now the cage door is open I don’t want to leave that trauma.

Whenever I thought about what would make me happy  it always was:, “I want to meet someone that I love and loves me and have a family, raise that family and grow old together”.

I’m changing that outlook. I should aim to be happy alone and if I find someone great, if I don’t I’m still happy with life. I should depend on others to feel like I have worth.

I should know I have worth.

I am wondering if "I should depend on others to feel like I have worth" is a typo, and you meant to say you 'should NOT depend'?  Otherwise I agree with you again.

-----

She texted that her son’s Nan doesn’t want me to have her number and she will call me in a couple of days (I’m presuming when she comes back).

She then sent another text straight away saying to wait until her son gets his new phone.

So No 1 I’m confused  as I don’t if she will call and/or her son will call once he gets his new phone.?

No 2 it’s what I wanted in regards to her son and getting contact with him. Her manner however was so cold that it has left me feeling emotional again.

No 3  getting paranoid thinking this friend request from his ex wife is some elaborate ruse. I know I shouldn’t accept it anyway as aside from. Her son I need her out of my line of thinking completely, no links, nothing.

I think if her son gets his own phone that would be a good thing, only if you deal with 'Nan' and not her.

“Better to have loved than never loved at all”

I laughed to myself thinking clearly whoever wrote this has never dated my ex. Oh well at least something made me laugh today.

That is a funny quote when viewed through a Cluster-B lens.  I still would agree with that statement for the "Love Bombing" phase, as there is no other love like that; however, when they turn and paint you black - look out.

-----

1)You are right; at the moment I’m depending on her in order to get contact with her son. Once I establish a direct line with him there is no more communication with her.

But there is a but, in that if she comes back and he lives with her I fear she will use me for money again and I’ll never be free of her. So I hope he stays with his Nan and I can see him from there.

2) I know, it really got to me getting that text. It made me emotional again and I feel like I’m back to square one again. Again you are right I need to go NC I’m just hanging in there for her son.

3) Definitely not getting involved with his ex wife by accepting a friend request. If she wants to tell me something she can message me through FB and without me accepting her friend request as some sort of tit for rat with them. I’m definitely staying away!

I agree with you on all of this.  Even if she does message you via messenger, keep it BIFF, and be very guarded on what information you share with her. 

-----

But she needed me for financial support. She tried to carry this on and kept this new relationship a secret. So it all depends on how it goes with this guy.

Scenario 1
If this guy has enmeshed with her like I did and he proposes she moves to the states from now. Her son stays with the Nan. Hopefully I get contact and I won’t ever have contact with her again

Scenario 2
He is not enmeshed yet. In which case she comes back to London, she will then be the one contacting for me to speak to her son and requesting what he needs. In other words she carries on using me until her relationship with this guy reaches scenario 1.

Scenario 3
This guy was just playing for fun or just doesn’t want her. In which case she will feel used and then try and get back with me through her son. She already (according to her sister) boasted to her cousin that I still want her back. So either that or she won’t want me back still but will just use me for cash.

Her moving to another continent is the best outcome.

So for me I’ve now gone from hoping her relationship fails to actually rooting for it. How funny is that.

I feel you need to have answers for each of those scenarios and be willing to follow through on each of them.  I personally feel that #3 is most likely, as Mike has treated her like sh!t on his show and dominates the conversation as I previously indicated, followed by #1, and #2 is unlikely; however, that is based on very limited information.

-----

Today I started obsessively looking at any new YouTube videos her new bf has posted. The latest was just in darkness in some wilderness listening to animals. I could hear her voice clearly whispering to him all excited.

I got so angry!

It sounds like you are tormenting yourself on this.  Try not to look at them, as it will only get you more upset.
 

I feel I’ve lost everything and she just got rescued and will be even better than before. I keep thinking this guy will make her so happy that her disorder will somehow be cured and she lives happily ever after.

The thing is I know her. New man, New country, new start, that will keep her idealising mask on tight for many years to come.

I agree with your assessment.  In the short term it will seem that way; however, I think he will likely use her, she will idolize him, until something bad happens.   Cannabis is legal in New York state, so Mike will find out about that soon enough about her drug habit; who knows how he will handle that.

Also, the grass looks greener on the other side, until you get there and realize the green is only weeds.

I wish I could just go completely NC. If it wasn’t for her son I know I would have. Then again I would have left her a long long time ago if he wasnt there.

I’m still in this trauma bond and it’s only me now that’s not letting go. Time I did.

For my love of a child I raised as my own I will have more trauma from her to come.

I accept it. I’m enduring that for him.

I accept she is what she is. If she finds happiness  then so what, that should only bother me if I wanted her back. And I truly don’t.

I NEED to accept the new me.

It may not be as good as the old me. I’ve lost my youth, innocence, that smile, that energy, lost any trust I had in the good in others,

It sounds like you are very self-aware, and I agree with you, that working on yourself is an excellent idea.

But I’m also wiser, I know my own flaws now. I certainly  wouldn’t put up with the abuse I went through with anyone else or sacrifice myself so fully for anyone again and that’s not a bad thing.

I have a lot of love to give still. Before I give it to anyone I’ll reserve some for myself.

I am liking the way you are thinking...

SOOOOO

 from this day forth I will swap devoting 8 hours of my day  thinking about the past.

Instead I will swap it for the following:

Start applying for better jobs, Stop smoking like a chimney, Join a Gym, get a haircut, shave that beard off, book France and finish that book, actually buy some nice clothes, eat well and put on 2 stone in weight, reconnect with old friends, get a dog,

I’m a single 46 year old man. I have no responsibilities as such. I can go anywhere in the world and do whenever I want. Hell I can go exploring in the Amazon if I really wanted. The world is my oyster.

This life is my journey no one else’s. So I’m going to walk that path for me.

If I meet a woman along the way that wants to walk it with me then great. But I’m sticking to that path as it’s who Iam.

This is absolutely brilliant, I think you have an excellent plan.  Carpe Diem ( seize the day ).

Take care with your self-care plan, other than the beard, but if it works for you, go for it, I complete agree with you.

SD

[Brokenmind]

SD seriously; I still can’t say thank you enough, your replies. Yes I laughed at that

I’m not sure about what’s going on with the mirroring. She would mirror anyone she needs something from. I saw it first hand and when dealing with other. She only doesn’t when she thinks you’re beneath her or can’t get anything from you (another red flag I inexplicably ignored in her)

So I definitely think she is doing that with him. Especially given that this man can give her a fresh new life in another country away from her failed life here. Even the way she spoke to him was way too introverted; like you said, and she was only like that with me during the first month of meeting her.

Also given how cruel she could be about anyone I would not be surprised if he told her he is only engaging with these women just for views on his channel. I can see her happily going along with it thinking it funny.

The thing is SD he strikes me as someone who doesn’t play around with loads of girls. I have noticed the flirting on his comments but with my ex it’s blatantly flirting and then it’s clear they are together. So I think he may be serious with his intent for her.

 I have a feeling he is genuinely falling for her and her him and it will be scenario 1 not 3

I want you to be right.

 I want it to be scenario 3 so she knows she can’t just treat me and her son like complete garbage and get rewarded with the life she dreamed of. Sad isn’t it. I’ve become spiteful and resentful if she finds happiness.

I know it shouldn’t matter. What matters is it’s over. That’s all
that matters, me and her son.

Regarding his ex wife, I’m not sure. Unless she checked my ex on Fb and saw my posts from years back? I’m not tech savvy so I’m not sure if she could tell I went in her page when I was finding about him.

She kinda reminds me of my ex to be honest. Same beautiful coloured eyes and a bit of an attitude. Either way not get involved by accepting her friend request,

Please do if you ever visit SD, you really have been a big help getting me through this and will always be thankful for that. If im ever in DC I’ll message you too.

Ok, so I guess I better Carpe Diem.

 

[Brokenmind]

Just a daily update.

Sorry to everyone with all my posts, it just helps me to write on here rather than on something no one sees.

Plus anyone reading this may resonate with way there are going through.

Today  started off good. I slept ok and I didn’t wake up after a nightmare about my ex or with her being my first thought.

II have a whole day of just doing what I want.

I joined the gym this morning which is like a health centre plus it provides a lot of classes including yoga and well being.

I then did some tax returns for some of my private clients. So far so good,

Even put on some uplifting music for the first time while I worked and bopped my head to it!!

Then it hit me.

Like a punch to my gut, I finished tax returns on my laptop and started looking at you tube videos of just crap. I then thought to myself “don’t you dare look up his channel for more videos or posts”.

I actually didn’t and turned off my lap top.

But from that tiny kernel of thought I started comparing my life which I’m trying to rebuild from scratch to this amazing fantasy life I think she is now having.

SD told me the grass will always look greener and he is right. It just feels like all the things she used to belittle me about: Not earning enough money, being stuck in London,  believing in mythical beast (and I mean actually agree they exist), earns money not doing 9-5 job but something she lives  (she hated the fact I had to work 8-9 hours a day - this guy earns money filming trees!)

Its like this guy ticks all the boxes she said I lacked in.

34 year old me would of just said its over move on with your life,  then forget about someone who did what she did to not just me but her own son.

It’s like all my self worth, respect, or even love for myself was taken from me over the 12 years.

This is what I think holds most of us back.

We have endured so much and lost so much of ourselves and replaced it with a little idealisation and a ton of trauma that we just feel lost without them.

I feel I can’t live with her. No way will I go back. Never!  It was toxic and damaged me.

But I’ve forgotten how to live without her.

This is why I’m finding this so hard, and why I need to push on with self care and try to salvage what was me before I lost who I was.

[once removed]

This is why I’m finding this so hard, and why I need to push on with self care and try to salvage what was me before I lost who I was.

you can build a better, stronger, powerhouse version.

the old you found himself in a dysfunctional relationship that was, and is hard to cope with.

build a you that cant imagine being stuck in that place.

[Brokenmind]

Thank you, OneRemoved

I know, you are right, its just so much easier said than done.

I Know its only been 2 months since the complete split but I still find myself thinking about her at once every hour!! No matter what I do I just keep relating it the relationship.

My therapist told me that its almost like she has sunk into every part of my being. It will take time.

Its the only daylight I see right now. Just keep stepping; even crawling if i have to; in the right direction and with time it will get less and less severe and try and treat myself in the meantime.

its a concept so alien to someone like me who; for all my life, I only felt good or of value dependent on someone else and not me.

Even treating myself to a nice meal, or even a massage, is not something Ive EVER done for myself.

I was always the one who worked and gave everything including myself to others (just like my Mother). Any enjoyable activities has always been with and for others.

So relaxing in a sauna, buying just myself a posh meal, working out in the gym, buying myself nice clothes instead of the cheapest.

It all feels like im being selfish and Ive always felt undeserving, so treating others to it and enjoying how they feel was how I felt good and worthy.

Thats what I need to work on and I will, starting today....



 

[OKrunch]

One thing to always remember is that what we see on social media is a biased view.
People only post their happy moments, vacations, new relationships and so on.
It doesn't change who the person behind the curtain is.
All of their personality flaws are still present, and in full swing, but social media will never show that.

Cognitive dissonance is the other monster at play here, this, combined with the social media crap i mention above, makes it very easy to build that "She's THRIVING without me, I have lost all, she has lost nothing" mentality.

I still struggle every day with the cognitive dissonance, I still cannot believe the woman i knew and loved could change and become this mosterous alter ego, as wll as not believing that she can love this person who is so crude, crass and so very unlike me. It is STILL hard (well over a year later) to see that Jekyll and Hyde are the same person in my mind.
The woman I love vs the monster who killed her, its almost impossible to realize this is the same person.

The social media is like a cloak of illusions to support this.
It even works to pad the landing should they decide to come circling back, and posts can be deleted when the person of interest is no longer a person of interest. Leaving behind a clean profile devoid of that replacement person ever having existed. (ask me how i know this....)

Be the rock and the shoreline my dude, the waves will come and go, but your rock will remain solid standing.

[SaltyDawg]

I’m not sure about what’s going on with the mirroring. She would mirror anyone she needs something from. I saw it first hand and when dealing with other. She only doesn’t when she thinks you’re beneath her or can’t get anything from you (another red flag I inexplicably ignored in her)

Based on how she keeps herself to be a video participant in a YT video, being unkempt, and 'rough' as you put it, the only person whom I can imagine being beneath her is a street person (homeless).

So I definitely think she is doing that with him. Especially given that this man can give her a fresh new life in another country away from her failed life here. Even the way she spoke to him was way too introverted; like you said, and she was only like that with me during the first month of meeting her.

Perhaps she is studying him, to figure him out whilst being introverted, until she can figure him out.

Also given how cruel she could be about anyone I would not be surprised if he told her he is only engaging with these women just for views on his channel. I can see her happily going along with it thinking it funny.

You know her best, I would caution you not to read too much into this.

The thing is SD he strikes me as someone who doesn’t play around with loads of girls. I have noticed the flirting on his comments but with my ex it’s blatantly flirting and then it’s clear they are together. So I think he may be serious with his intent for her.

Well, how many girls do you know that will willingly throw themselves at a man who trudges through the snow and bone chilling pouring rain looking for bigfoot?    I am willing to wager, not too many women meet that criteria outside of the women who he entertains on his channel who are that desperate for attention.

I have a feeling he is genuinely falling for her and her him and it will be scenario 1 not 3

I want you to be right.

I suspect he is too, and as long as she is stroking his ego, perhaps another thing too, he will continue to do so - only when her mask of mirroring comes off will determine if he is her "hook, line, and sinker" have set in him, or if he sees her for whom she truly is (a city slicker that has no business hiking through the woods with dagger style finger nails, not even suitable for a keyboard, let alone a hike in the woods).  Since she is not charming him with her conversation (at least not on the videos), it must be something else that every woman has, that some unscrupulously have used to their advantage.  Since there are women who are reading this, I am going to stop there as I don't want to cross the line of being overtly vulgar.

I want it to be scenario 3 so she knows she can’t just treat me and her son like complete garbage and get rewarded with the life she dreamed of. Sad isn’t it. I’ve become spiteful and resentful if she finds happiness.

I know it shouldn’t matter. What matters is it’s over. That’s all that matters, me and her son.

Let me give you my reasoning for scenario 3...  I will list the symptoms of NPD, and comment on each one...

A persistent pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy
This pattern is shown by the presence of ≥ 5 of the following:

  An exaggerated, unfounded sense of their own importance and talents (grandiosity) - Having interactions with a mystical creature would definitely fall in this category of their own importance and talents being able to do so would be nothing short of an extreme exaggeration which to date, has remained absolutely unfounded.
  Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited achievements, influence, power, intelligence, beauty, or perfect love - He definitely has a preoccupation with the fantasy of bigfoot, with bigfoot accepting gifts of marbles, but not apples, and seems to think he has the influence and intelligence to do so, yet is not smart enough to use off-line maps or upgrade his equipment.
  Belief that they are special and unique and should associate only with people of the highest caliber - Well this can be inferenced, as he is special enough to communicate with bigfoot, very few things in life can be more special and more unique than that, and can only associate with fellow believers of bigfoot which in his mind are of the highest caliber.
  A need to be unconditionally admired - Having your own YT channel and enticing viewers, for many this would qualify for this symptom.
  A sense of entitlement - Having your own YT channel, by blatantly filming that he can egregiously trespass on private lands and restricted areas without explicitly obtaining permission to do so, as he apparently is not subjected to the same rules everyone else is.
  Exploitation of others to achieve their own goals - Giving away trinkets and stickers away to have channel viewers.  He also takes his son on his trips, his son is more interested in seeing deer, while he is on the lookout for bigfoot.
  A lack of empathy - Choosing to chase bigfoot over spending time with his son, and when he is with his son, he is still chasing bigfoot as shown in his videos.
  Envy of others and a belief that others envy them - he was envious of your ex receiving calls from bigfoot, and your ex's obvious envy of the white mask, that he still had on his wall only feeds into this symptom.
  Arrogance and haughtiness - see the 'entitlement' symptom, too arrogant to follow local laws and regulations in order to blatantly film him passing by locked gates and fences.

In essence, when viewed in this manner, it is a slam dunk for NPD with 9/9 symptoms ticked with the ever so brief encounter of viewing his videos.  As long as your ex is stroking his ego, and perhaps something else too, he will stick around for the attention she is giving to him.  However, if and when that stops, I don't think he will stick around at all, and move on to another one.  Afterall, isn't this how she met him?

Regarding his ex wife, I’m not sure. Unless she checked my ex on Fb and saw my posts from years back? I’m not tech savvy so I’m not sure if she could tell I went in her page when I was finding about him.

She kinda reminds me of my ex to be honest. Same beautiful coloured eyes and a bit of an attitude. Either way not get involved by accepting her friend request,

Could be any number of things, she could have directly asked him and/or her on a kid exchanged, looking at old posts.  It is curious that you should mention that he is going for the same look and attitude, that's a in him.

-----

Sorry to everyone with all my posts, it just helps me to write on here rather than on something no one sees.

I use this site to journal as well, and document major incidents by sharing them that has a date/time stamp on them as well.  I also share, as borderline behaviors more often than not, are very similar in the emotions and feelings attached to them and can resonate with others as well.

I joined the gym this morning which is like a health centre plus it provides a lot of classes including yoga and well being.

This is good stuff.  Keep up the good work.  I know when I joined with my wife as a new years resolution for 2023, we went one time afterward, and didn't go back (it is a bit far out of the way).  I also exercise solo riding in an area that sees more bicycles than powered vehicles as it is in a very nice rural area of the country with covered bridges and historical sites (by US standards).

I then did some tax returns for some of my private clients. So far so good,

Even put on some uplifting music for the first time while I worked and bopped my head to it!!

Also good stuff.  Sounds like an excellent start, and uplifting music is really good for me as well. 

BUT, ...

Then it hit me.

Like a punch to my gut, I finished tax returns on my laptop and started looking at you tube videos of just crap. I then thought to myself “don’t you dare look up his channel for more videos or posts”.

I actually didn’t and turned off my lap top.

But from that tiny kernel of thought I started comparing my life which I’m trying to rebuild from scratch to this amazing fantasy life I think she is now having.

From what I have seen in the videos and what you have shared, it is just that, she is living in a fantasy world - it only exists in her mind, and when there are too many things that don't match with her fantasy it is only a matter of time it will come crashing down on her, and you will no longer be there to rescue her.

SD told me the grass will always look greener and he is right. It just feels like all the things she used to belittle me about: Not earning enough money, being stuck in London,  believing in mythical beast (and I mean actually agree they exist), earns money not doing 9-5 job but something she lives  (she hated the fact I had to work 8-9 hours a day - this guy earns money filming trees!)

Its like this guy ticks all the boxes she said I lacked in.

Well, filming trees is better than watching the grass grow, but not by much.  He had a $600 e-bike in one of his videos, but I had not seen what he is driving, also his basement office, is from a basic home in the US, nothing fancy, almost generic save the trinkets on the wall behind him.  I suspect he is living off his military pension and is supplementing it with the few bucks he is making off his YT channel and any handouts he gets from that.

34 year old me would of just said its over move on with your life,  then forget about someone who did what she did to not just me but her own son.

It’s like all my self worth, respect, or even love for myself was taken from me over the 12 years.

This is what I think holds most of us back.

We have endured so much and lost so much of ourselves and replaced it with a little idealisation and a ton of trauma that we just feel lost without them.

I feel I can’t live with her. No way will I go back. Never!  It was toxic and damaged me.

But I’ve forgotten how to live without her.

I agree with you on all of this. 

This is why I’m finding this so hard, and why I need to push on with self care and try to salvage what was me before I lost who I was.

The best thing you can do is take care of yourself, get your sense of self, reflect on yourself as to why you have found yourself in this position, learn from it, figure out where you made mistakes, and resolve not to make those mistakes again, making yourself a better person - and live your best life.

-----

I Know its only been 2 months since the complete split but I still find myself thinking about her at once every hour!! No matter what I do I just keep relating it the relationship.

My therapist told me that its almost like she has sunk into every part of my being. It will take time.

Its the only daylight I see right now. Just keep stepping; even crawling if i have to; in the right direction and with time it will get less and less severe and try and treat myself in the meantime.

its a concept so alien to someone like me who; for all my life, I only felt good or of value dependent on someone else and not me.

Even treating myself to a nice meal, or even a massage, is not something Ive EVER done for myself.

I was always the one who worked and gave everything including myself to others (just like my Mother). Any enjoyable activities has always been with and for others.

So relaxing in a sauna, buying just myself a posh meal, working out in the gym, buying myself nice clothes instead of the cheapest.

It all feels like im being selfish and Ive always felt undeserving, so treating others to it and enjoying how they feel was how I felt good and worthy.

Thats what I need to work on and I will, starting today....

Yes, it does feel like being selfish, I am for the most part the same way.  Self-care, doesn't have to cost a lot of money, just find things that you enjoy doing, that fills your cup.  I find going out in nature, riding a quiet bike in beautiful scenery fills my cup.  I also finding watching new shows / movies works for me too, along with other activities such as volunteer work and helping others.

You need to find out what fills your cup, and if you haven't done it in over a dozen years, you need to try a little bit of this, and a little bit of that, until you find something that is meaningful to you, and then do it.  I find inexpensive things so I can do a lot of it; however, I do like the finer things in life too, and will occasionally splurge on doing that here and there.  It's okay to treat yourself to expensive things once in a while, but it needs to be balanced against what you can afford.

Good luck, and take care.

SD