BPD ex disengaged and is not even bothered now

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi I’m really broken up about this situation and looking for any possible help or explanation.

My boyfriend of about 4 months has a pre-diagnosis of BPD & is suffering with clinical depression. He waltzed into my life having slept with me and ghosted me a couple of years before. He’s a friend of my sibling so he’s sort of around off and on. So he comes back and we get together and he tells me he loves me, he’s always had feelings for me etc. I fall for him, we spend lots of time together for the first few months.

Then, I start noticing he doesn’t want to spend as much time with me; there is a distinct feeling a him staying away. I try to broach it; he tells me it’s because of his worsened depression; however, he still sees his friends and socializes. Just not with me. It comes to a point where’s he’s canceled coming to see me again, the day after drinking with friends. I text him to say it’s really upset me and I want some space as this is beginning to affect my MH. He’s like okay. And then nothing. I contact (text) him three days later and he’s very noncommittal; says it’s going to be a while before we see each other.

I became upset and when he didn’t respond, and after I had drank too much, suggested we have a clean break. He ignored me until the next day when he sent a break up text. Saying I’m a wonderful person but he’s not mentally strong enough to give me what I deserve and he hopes we can be friends “eventually.”

I texted back saying I didn’t want to break up and apologizing. No response. Zilch.

So I’m left shattered and devastated by this man who said he loved me (we’re both in our 40s). The thing is though, which is soul wrenching for me, is he’s just totally fine. My sis tells me he’s all over social media and joking and productive with his hobbies and just absolutely like nothing happened.

I have been so upset so I blocked him and tried no contact. However, after a week I did reach out to him to ask how he was and say I missed him. He texted back much later to say he missed me. I sent two further messages essentially saying I want to get back together, that o love him, but will respect his wishes if he doesn’t want to. No response. That was yesterday.

I suppose my main questions are: did he just use me? Did I mean nothing to him at all? Did he never experience the love and affection that he spoke of and displayed? And why is he not heartbroken like me, but rather seemingly completely back to normal?

I feel so used and unlovable and as if I must have somehow repulsed him that he could just discard me without a care in the world.

Sorry for the long post; I’m just so so sad. Thanks for reading.

[Clownshoes]

Hi I’m really broken up about this situation and looking for any possible help or explanation.

My boyfriend of about 4 months has a pre-diagnosis of BPD & is suffering with clinical depression. He waltzed into my life having slept with me and ghosted me a couple of years before. He’s a friend of my sibling so he’s sort of around off and on. So he comes back and we get together and he tells me he loves me, he’s always had feelings for me etc. I fall for him, we spend lots of time together for the first few months.

Then, I start noticing he doesn’t want to spend as much time with me; there is a distinct feeling a him staying away. I try to broach it; he tells me it’s because of his worsened depression; however, he still sees his friends and socializes. Just not with me. It comes to a point where’s he’s canceled coming to see me again, the day after drinking with friends. I text him to say it’s really upset me and I want some space as this is beginning to affect my MH. He’s like okay. And then nothing. I contact (text) him three days later and he’s very noncommittal; says it’s going to be a while before we see each other.

I became upset and when he didn’t respond, and after I had drank too much, suggested we have a clean break. He ignored me until the next day when he sent a break up text. Saying I’m a wonderful person but he’s not mentally strong enough to give me what I deserve and he hopes we can be friends “eventually.”

I texted back saying I didn’t want to break up and apologizing. No response. Zilch.

So I’m left shattered and devastated by this man who said he loved me (we’re both in our 40s). The thing is though, which is soul wrenching for me, is he’s just totally fine. My sis tells me he’s all over social media and joking and productive with his hobbies and just absolutely like nothing happened.

I have been so upset so I blocked him and tried no contact. However, after a week I did reach out to him to ask how he was and say I missed him. He texted back much later to say he missed me. I sent two further messages essentially saying I want to get back together, that o love him, but will respect his wishes if he doesn’t want to. No response. That was yesterday.

I suppose my main questions are: did he just use me? Did I mean nothing to him at all? Did he never experience the love and affection that he spoke of and displayed? And why is he not heartbroken like me, but rather seemingly completely back to normal?

I feel so used and unlovable and as if I must have somehow repulsed him that he could just discard me without a care in the world.

Sorry for the long post; I’m just so so sad. Thanks for reading.

[once removed]

hi Clownshoes, and

I suppose my main questions are: did he just use me? Did I mean nothing to him at all? Did he never experience the love and affection that he spoke of and displayed? And why is he not heartbroken like me, but rather seemingly completely back to normal?

it sounds as though he was unprepared, or unable, to give the relationship you wanted, and realized that it couldnt work. he essentially said as much.

im sorry. i can certainly understand feeling unlovable when thats the case. one hard part about dating and love is that there are so many more people that cant give that to us, for whatever reason, than people that can. it sounds like hes not one of those people.

The thing is though, which is soul wrenching for me, is he’s just totally fine.
...
why is he not heartbroken like me, but rather seemingly completely back to normal?

while it is hard to know what another person is experiencing (some people are showy about this sort of thing, some arent), this is one hard part of a breakup, and is often the case: the person doing the breaking up is in a very different place than the person on the receiving end. they have made the decision, they have, at least in part, grieved the relationship. the person on the receiving end feels blindsided, and like theyve had the floor pulled out from under them. and honestly, it just sucks to be in that position, and to feel that way 

youre among family now, and things can start to get better.

[SinisterComplex]

Hi I’m really broken up about this situation and looking for any possible help or explanation.

My boyfriend of about 4 months has a pre-diagnosis of BPD & is suffering with clinical depression. He waltzed into my life having slept with me and ghosted me a couple of years before. He’s a friend of my sibling so he’s sort of around off and on. So he comes back and we get together and he tells me he loves me, he’s always had feelings for me etc. I fall for him, we spend lots of time together for the first few months.

Then, I start noticing he doesn’t want to spend as much time with me; there is a distinct feeling a him staying away. I try to broach it; he tells me it’s because of his worsened depression; however, he still sees his friends and socializes. Just not with me. It comes to a point where’s he’s canceled coming to see me again, the day after drinking with friends. I text him to say it’s really upset me and I want some space as this is beginning to affect my MH. He’s like okay. And then nothing. I contact (text) him three days later and he’s very noncommittal; says it’s going to be a while before we see each other.

I became upset and when he didn’t respond, and after I had drank too much, suggested we have a clean break. He ignored me until the next day when he sent a break up text. Saying I’m a wonderful person but he’s not mentally strong enough to give me what I deserve and he hopes we can be friends “eventually.”

I texted back saying I didn’t want to break up and apologizing. No response. Zilch.

So I’m left shattered and devastated by this man who said he loved me (we’re both in our 40s). The thing is though, which is soul wrenching for me, is he’s just totally fine. My sis tells me he’s all over social media and joking and productive with his hobbies and just absolutely like nothing happened.

I have been so upset so I blocked him and tried no contact. However, after a week I did reach out to him to ask how he was and say I missed him. He texted back much later to say he missed me. I sent two further messages essentially saying I want to get back together, that o love him, but will respect his wishes if he doesn’t want to. No response. That was yesterday.

I suppose my main questions are: did he just use me? Did I mean nothing to him at all? Did he never experience the love and affection that he spoke of and displayed? And why is he not heartbroken like me, but rather seemingly completely back to normal?

I feel so used and unlovable and as if I must have somehow repulsed him that he could just discard me without a care in the world.

Sorry for the long post; I’m just so so sad. Thanks for reading.

Welcome to the fam

You are in the right place. Take your time, be kind to YOU, and share with us as much as you want to and ask as many questions as you need to.

The only thing I want to touch on here is that the acting like everything is ok isn't necessarily a disordered thing. The act of overcompensating to cover up negative feelings is quite common. He may very well appear to be A-OK but in reality when no one else is around feel despair and be dealing with negative and intrusive thoughts. So do not react to what you see on the surface. Everything is not always as it appears.

So the best thing for you to do is to focus on you and your healing. That is all you can do...control what you can control. How you choose to respond to all of this is totally in your control and you have the power...don't forget that.

Trust me you are among friends who definitely understand and get it so please continue to engage with community at large.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Clownshoes]

Thanks so much to both of you. I think I’m just really struggling to understand how someone can just change their feelings and go cold in such a short space of time.

The rumination is the worst par; it’s like my brain is going round in circles searching for an answer that I’ll never understand. Nd the second worst part is the physical ache of missing the object of your desire, and knowing they will never come back to you.

The sadness feels bottomless right now. The ghosting tactic is especially brutal.

Thanks for your responses