Fiance Just Moved Out... What the hell just happened ?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello Everyone. Brand new to the board. Recently found out my my fiance lied and cheated on me (although never would admit it) drove her car off a cliff and almost died. I believe this was do to her having BPD which I only learned about after everything.

We dated for a total of 3.5 years. I first met her and she had a BF and was trying to set me up with one of her girlfriends. Eventually she grew found of me and stayed over my house saying I could have whatever I wanted. I would never and have never cheated and told her that I would never do something with someone in a relationship. This made her fall madly in love with me. She broke up with her BF and over the next couple of months we remained friends and started dating 3 months later. She grew up with an abusive and absent dad who I have never met or heard anything good about. Her mom got remarried a year before I met her and she really like the new guy because her dad was such a ___ty person.

The first year and a half was great as it sounds like most people experience. Very strong love however met with constant jealousy. Adding all females I was friends with on instagram, never wanting to get to know any females I knew even knew she wanted to make better friends. I am a very loving and loyal person so she felt safe. She knew I would never leave her and I was very attracted to her. After a year and a half we decided to move cities for work. She was all for this and could not wait to move one hour north. During this time, her mother decided to have a new kid with her step dad as he never had any children. My girlfrend was really hurt by this and feared for her mom dying because she was 51(Used invetto). I needed to be at work right away but was coming back on the weekends. The first three weeks were great but then her mother told her she was retiring to raise the new baby full time, selling the house and also told her that she needed to move all of her stuff out of her house as well because their was no room in the new house. This was the first major issue we had. She put up a wall and started pushing me away. Starting fights for no reason, hanging out with friends she wanted to get away from, going to the bar every night. She told me she just didn't have time to focus on us. I thought she started cheating on me but I had no proof. I would walk into a room and I could see she was texting then she would put her phone down. I never saw this behavior before so I had no proof that anything was wrong. I used to say, why are you running from me when you got hurt by your mom, you should be running to me.

We eventually moved and still were fighting but slowly it got better. How she behaved during the move damaged our relationship and she never did anything to correct it. She never would take responsibility. Well she never took any responsibility for how she made me feel after this happened. 8 months later I decided that I wanted to marry her, i mean I always wanted to marry her. I guess I thought that I could show her that I really loved her and provide her that I was her rock and not her mom. I spent 4 months designing a customer $20k ring, three months later we went to Disney (her favorite place) and got engaged. Trying to give her the fairytale she deserved after her rough upbringing.

Once we got back, we started designing out dream house. A beautiful $400K 4 bedroom 3 bathroom house that we were going to raise our family in. We closed on the house Jan 1 and Jan 7, her mom had another baby girl. That is right, her mom decided that the new baby (now 3 years old) should have a sister or brother so they did inveto again. My fiance was hurt by this but would never talk to me about it. February I designed an awesome shutterfly book showing the entire process of her ring being made,wrote a page of what I was thinking when I asked her and all of the photos of us form Disney. She looked at it for 3 mins, gave me a hug and a kiss and said thank you. Just no emotion at all. We looked at 8-10 wedding venues, 1 bridal fair and she purchased her dress 2 months after getting engaged.

After we got engaged I noticed that I really didn't feel like I had a connection to her emotions. Gifts at random times, telling her I love her and she is beautiful every day did nothing. I started to get concerned and after many fights, we started seeing a couples counselor. In all but our first session, the lady mentioned that she thought she would benefit from 1x1 sessions. She always agreed but never would go.

So closed on the house in Jan, Feb we moved in, then March is when it all went to hell. She started working late as she was moving into a new roll at work. She had 13 days in a row when she had to go out drinking with clients from work because her company was throwing parties. This is normal in the tech industry. She was coming home late and was not really communicating with me. We started fighting more and one time I said, if i'm not making you happy, give me the ring back and we can go our separate ways. At this time, I think the wall went up and she started pushing me away. 3 days before she was asking me to start my guest list for the wedding, now she put up a wall, stopped communicating with me and started picking fights for no reason. I apologized for our fight, got her flowers, balloons, sushi and a card but nothing was getting through. She continued to stay out late, would make me sit at a bar on St Paddys day by myself after we had plans. Everytime we would talk face to face, she was so angry. I would say things like, the way you are looking at me, it is as if their is no love in there at all for me. She never communicated how she felt in the relationship when we were fighting and would always respond with " What do you want me to say" or "i'm broken" "Then why are you with me".

Long story short, She was sopossed to come home from a conference on Sunday. Monday night, i found plane tickets and hotel receipts that she came back Friday and was lying to me all weekend. Checked into a hotel at midnight and out at 11am when I was in the same city. She was out drinking with her girlfriends and I did not want to have a heated conversation at mid night when she was home. So I packed a bag and stayed at a friends. She called me at midnight when she got home. I got a text that said "Hey". another call at 1230. What happened then was that she packed two bags, the dog, the shampoo from the shower, HER WEDDING DRESS ! and left. She ended up driving her car off a cliff, flipping it three times and almost died. her and the dog ended up being fine. I texted her the next day to say we needed to talk, she then told me of the accident which I responded that I knew she came back early, lied to me and I wanted her out of my life. She would never admit to cheating, all she would say was " I could not make you happy". She gave me back the ring and moved out of my life.  She has blocked me on all social media channels and is now out of my life. During the move out, i noticed the mood swings. She came in very detached, showing no emotion and very angry. The last 45 mins, we stood in the front and it was like talking to my best friend. When she left we were both upset and crying. It was saying goodbye to my best friend and I can tell part of her never wanted this to happen.

Reading more about BPD, it sounds very much like she had every single attribute from the low self esteam, fear of abandonment and so on. In couples consoling I told the story of us moving and said I didn't understand why she didn't run to me instead of away from me. The counselor said people with abandonment issues do not do that. They run away from everyone and isolate themselves from those close to them. She was always a private person, sleeping with her phone all the time attached to her, not responding when I asked her to communicate more. She usually had a beer or wine every night but smoked weed every day.

I'm now sitting in the house we built, ready to plan a wedding and she is out of my life for good. I am hopeful that this is a blessing in disguise but it hurts so bad. In three weeks she went from asking me to do my guest list to fighting everyday, getting caught cheating, lying to me, almost dying and moving out. I have no idea what the hell just happened. My friends and family are in shock because we had  great relationship 85% of the time. We never fought except when I was asking her to communicate more.  Oh their was one time when I told her she has to love herself if she wants ppl to love her, she said " I don't love myself and I prob never will. Many times I think about jumping off the balcony" This was the main reason I wanted to go into couples counseling.

I think she suffers from BPD however i'll never know. All I know is reading more about BPD, hearing peoples stories relaxes me and makes me feel less crazy. I have no idea who I was dating, who I almost started a family with and what the hell just happened to my life.

Thanks for listening to my story !

[kramer598]

Hello Everyone. Brand new to the board. Recently found out my my fiance lied and cheated on me (although never would admit it) drove her car off a cliff and almost died. I believe this was do to her having BPD which I only learned about after everything.

We dated for a total of 3.5 years. I first met her and she had a BF and was trying to set me up with one of her girlfriends. Eventually she grew found of me and stayed over my house saying I could have whatever I wanted. I would never and have never cheated and told her that I would never do something with someone in a relationship. This made her fall madly in love with me. She broke up with her BF and over the next couple of months we remained friends and started dating 3 months later. She grew up with an abusive and absent dad who I have never met or heard anything good about. Her mom got remarried a year before I met her and she really like the new guy because her dad was such a ___ty person.

The first year and a half was great as it sounds like most people experience. Very strong love however met with constant jealousy. Adding all females I was friends with on instagram, never wanting to get to know any females I knew even knew she wanted to make better friends. I am a very loving and loyal person so she felt safe. She knew I would never leave her and I was very attracted to her. After a year and a half we decided to move cities for work. She was all for this and could not wait to move one hour north. During this time, her mother decided to have a new kid with her step dad as he never had any children. My girlfrend was really hurt by this and feared for her mom dying because she was 51(Used invetto). I needed to be at work right away but was coming back on the weekends. The first three weeks were great but then her mother told her she was retiring to raise the new baby full time, selling the house and also told her that she needed to move all of her stuff out of her house as well because their was no room in the new house. This was the first major issue we had. She put up a wall and started pushing me away. Starting fights for no reason, hanging out with friends she wanted to get away from, going to the bar every night. She told me she just didn't have time to focus on us. I thought she started cheating on me but I had no proof. I would walk into a room and I could see she was texting then she would put her phone down. I never saw this behavior before so I had no proof that anything was wrong. I used to say, why are you running from me when you got hurt by your mom, you should be running to me.

We eventually moved and still were fighting but slowly it got better. How she behaved during the move damaged our relationship and she never did anything to correct it. She never would take responsibility. Well she never took any responsibility for how she made me feel after this happened. 8 months later I decided that I wanted to marry her, i mean I always wanted to marry her. I guess I thought that I could show her that I really loved her and provide her that I was her rock and not her mom. I spent 4 months designing a customer $20k ring, three months later we went to Disney (her favorite place) and got engaged. Trying to give her the fairytale she deserved after her rough upbringing.

Once we got back, we started designing out dream house. A beautiful $400K 4 bedroom 3 bathroom house that we were going to raise our family in. We closed on the house Jan 1 and Jan 7, her mom had another baby girl. That is right, her mom decided that the new baby (now 3 years old) should have a sister or brother so they did inveto again. My fiance was hurt by this but would never talk to me about it. February I designed an awesome shutterfly book showing the entire process of her ring being made,wrote a page of what I was thinking when I asked her and all of the photos of us form Disney. She looked at it for 3 mins, gave me a hug and a kiss and said thank you. Just no emotion at all. We looked at 8-10 wedding venues, 1 bridal fair and she purchased her dress 2 months after getting engaged.

After we got engaged I noticed that I really didn't feel like I had a connection to her emotions. Gifts at random times, telling her I love her and she is beautiful every day did nothing. I started to get concerned and after many fights, we started seeing a couples counselor. In all but our first session, the lady mentioned that she thought she would benefit from 1x1 sessions. She always agreed but never would go.

So closed on the house in Jan, Feb we moved in, then March is when it all went to hell. She started working late as she was moving into a new roll at work. She had 13 days in a row when she had to go out drinking with clients from work because her company was throwing parties. This is normal in the tech industry. She was coming home late and was not really communicating with me. We started fighting more and one time I said, if i'm not making you happy, give me the ring back and we can go our separate ways. At this time, I think the wall went up and she started pushing me away. 3 days before she was asking me to start my guest list for the wedding, now she put up a wall, stopped communicating with me and started picking fights for no reason. I apologized for our fight, got her flowers, balloons, sushi and a card but nothing was getting through. She continued to stay out late, would make me sit at a bar on St Paddys day by myself after we had plans. Everytime we would talk face to face, she was so angry. I would say things like, the way you are looking at me, it is as if their is no love in there at all for me. She never communicated how she felt in the relationship when we were fighting and would always respond with " What do you want me to say" or "i'm broken" "Then why are you with me".

Long story short, She was sopossed to come home from a conference on Sunday. Monday night, i found plane tickets and hotel receipts that she came back Friday and was lying to me all weekend. Checked into a hotel at midnight and out at 11am when I was in the same city. She was out drinking with her girlfriends and I did not want to have a heated conversation at mid night when she was home. So I packed a bag and stayed at a friends. She called me at midnight when she got home. I got a text that said "Hey". another call at 1230. What happened then was that she packed two bags, the dog, the shampoo from the shower, HER WEDDING DRESS ! and left. She ended up driving her car off a cliff, flipping it three times and almost died. her and the dog ended up being fine. I texted her the next day to say we needed to talk, she then told me of the accident which I responded that I knew she came back early, lied to me and I wanted her out of my life. She would never admit to cheating, all she would say was " I could not make you happy". She gave me back the ring and moved out of my life.  She has blocked me on all social media channels and is now out of my life. During the move out, i noticed the mood swings. She came in very detached, showing no emotion and very angry. The last 45 mins, we stood in the front and it was like talking to my best friend. When she left we were both upset and crying. It was saying goodbye to my best friend and I can tell part of her never wanted this to happen.

Reading more about BPD, it sounds very much like she had every single attribute from the low self esteam, fear of abandonment and so on. In couples consoling I told the story of us moving and said I didn't understand why she didn't run to me instead of away from me. The counselor said people with abandonment issues do not do that. They run away from everyone and isolate themselves from those close to them. She was always a private person, sleeping with her phone all the time attached to her, not responding when I asked her to communicate more. She usually had a beer or wine every night but smoked weed every day.

I'm now sitting in the house we built, ready to plan a wedding and she is out of my life for good. I am hopeful that this is a blessing in disguise but it hurts so bad. In three weeks she went from asking me to do my guest list to fighting everyday, getting caught cheating, lying to me, almost dying and moving out. I have no idea what the hell just happened. My friends and family are in shock because we had  great relationship 85% of the time. We never fought except when I was asking her to communicate more.  Oh their was one time when I told her she has to love herself if she wants ppl to love her, she said " I don't love myself and I prob never will. Many times I think about jumping off the balcony" This was the main reason I wanted to go into couples counseling.

I think she suffers from BPD however i'll never know. All I know is reading more about BPD, hearing peoples stories relaxes me and makes me feel less crazy. I have no idea who I was dating, who I almost started a family with and what the hell just happened to my life.

Thanks for listening to my story !

[Ahoy]

Hi Kramer.

Welcome to these boards. I certainly think I would be shellshocked in your position. Your story, although unique, shares a lot of similarities with others that I've read on here (including my own)

I'm very sorry that you had to endure this. I bet the past 3.5 years of your life is now playing endlessly through your mind, analysing and trying to understand.

One point I'll quickly make is that BPD's have stunted emotional development. Most of what I read on here leads me to believe that many have the emotional capacity of a 6 year old (bearing in mind it's a spectrum disorder)

Apply this  when you start ruminating and you might just find a lot of her actions might start making sense.

Six year old's cant have deep conversations about feelings, communication and trust. I now understand my ex was able to talk to me about these things in a very shallow way and when things really went south, I was quickly stonewalled.

Post as much as you need, any silly thought, it helps... .trust me! =)

[RomanticFool]

Hi Kramer,

I'm sorry for your issues with your exBPD finance. It certainly sounds like she put and herself through the ringer. I encourage you to read as much of the literature as you can and learn more about BPD.

I have cut and paste one of my posts from a short time ago as some of it may make sense. Look for the similarities and not the differences. See if you feel any of it could apply to you:

I met my exBPD married lover 14 years ago. We spent 8 of those years together in a 'relationship.' Truth be told it wasn't much of a relationship because she was push/pulling me from the start and giving me the Silent Treatment all the way through. I don't believe she is fully fledged BPD but BPD traits because the rages weren't present, with me anyway. In every other way she is a classic BPD, although to be fair to her, I have no idea if she ever cheated on me. Though it felt like she did because she was married and she took a year out from our relationship and I know she was at a concert in London (my home town) with another man.

Anybody who knows me would think that I am simply not the kind of man to allow a woman to do that. I appear to be confident, high self esteem and a loyal sort of man. So why did I let her in and allow her to steal 8 years of my life? The answer is because I have been in denial about who I really am. A friend of mine said to me in my 20's (I am 54 now) 'The trouble with you Romantic Fool is that you want to be in love but you won't let anybody in. You keep pushing them away.' How astute an observation that was and yet the reason I behaved in that way was fear of abandonment and/or fear of engulfment.

I have learnt on here that under stress, I have empathy impairment and the way I have behaved towards my exBPD married lover has triggered her issues further. I also have extreme co-dependency issues and am a love and sex addict. When my exBPD told me that she couldn't see me anymore because her husband had found out about us, instead of being empathic to her feelings, I denounced her as a liar and pushed her away. In fact in the 8 years of the relationship, despite being so deeply in love I thought my heart would break if I couldn't be with her, I was constantly threatening to walk away. I behaved this way because I have anger issues myself. I have issues in my family background (absent father - domineering mother - parental dysfunction - inconsistent nurturing - tension and constant arguing in the parental relationship) that I believe make me susceptible to being in a relationship with a BPD and NPD; namely that I have those traits myself. Also because she has BPD traits, she was constantly triggering me (particularly my abandonment fears) and I was doing the same to her. The most revealing thing I have learnt on here is this:

Murray Bowen (Bowen Institute) says we mate with our emotional equal - not mirror image, but equal. Most of us have something going on. It could be simple depression, self esteem issues, co-dependence, narcissistic, poor attachment skills, etc.

Most of our partners are "pre-clinical" so the same can be said about us. The chance of recovery is good if we face it and work it

My work here is to be honest with myself. I have done the push/pull cycle in the past with girlfriends. I have been prone to rages. I have cheated. I have recycled (attempted to anyway - most of them weren't having it). I have had feelings of emptiness my whole life. I always feel lonely. I feel unsettled in my current relationship. I have issues around addiction (alcohol, sex, love, food, sugar, caffeine). I also have some dysregulation of emotions and behaviour.

These are the classic symptoms of a Borderline Personality Disorder:

1. Emotion Dysregulation: Emotion dysregulation means not managing your emotions in context. It happens when you must reduce or escape your emotions by not managing them, without regard to consequences. Emotional dysregulation can be rage, anxiety, depression, and not feeling validated.  

2. Interpersonal Dysregulation: Interpersonal dysregulation is indicated by chaotic relationships and fears of abandonment.

3. Self Dysregulation: Self dysregulation means an unstable sense of self and a sense of emptiness.

4. Behavioral Dysregulation: Behavioral dysregulation is characterized by self-injury and impulsive behaviors (such as substance abuse and promiscuity).

5. Cognitive Dysregulation: Cognitive dysregulation is indicated by paranoia and dissociative responses that are made worse by stressful situations.  

Dysregulation in any of these areas occurs when a person with BPD is out of control, not simply upset. Through the skills learned in Dialectical Behavior Therapy, you can learn to better control all of these areas by taking a step back, being more mindful, analyzing what works, and acquiring new behaviours.

If you met me you would never be aware of any of this. I am charming, polite easy to talk to and most of the time empathic when relaxed. I spoke to one of my friends yesterday who has been in a relationship with a fully fledged BPD and a fully fledged Narcissist and he tells me that I am nothing like them. But my own particular behaviour is well controlled most of the time. It seems to come out under extreme duress mostly in relationships. This is a spectrum disorder and I am sure I would be on the lower part of the spectrum for BPD and/or NPD traits but like most of us here, at a sub clinical level ie I would not be diagnosed.

I read the article on here about how a borderline relationship evolves: https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

This article describes my exBPD married lover perfectly. Guess what? It also describes how I have behaved in relationships too. I have definitely done the seducer phase and the clinger phase - it was harder to see if I have ever behaved in the hate phase. I think I have. What's more I think I have behaved that way with my exBPD married lover because I have been in so much pain caused by her not committing to me.  I have devalued her (I told her she was not a complicated person or in any way profound but a classic presentation of a Borderline).

As I have said on here - I feel like Harrison Ford in the film Blade Runner when he discovers he is a Replicant.

Having said that, anybody who has ever come into contact with a fully fledged Borderline or Narcissist ie clinically diagnosed would dismiss me as an imposter. However, I am in AA but I am not a park bench drinker. There are degrees to everything.

I could easily be in denial about all of these traits and go on with my life. But I have felt emotional pain my whole life. I have had feelings of emptiness and loneliness my whole life. I have done the push/pull thing with past girlfriends. I cheated on my ex who wanted to marry me and she said, 'You don't want me but you don't want anyone else to have me.' That wasn't true, I wanted her desperately. I spent 10 years regretting that decision. So why did I cheat on her? Because she was controlling and told me that many men would find her attractive - unwittingly triggering my abandonment fears. Then she would shower me with love, unwittingly triggering my engulfment fears. I suffer from low level depression 'dysthymia' and have a skewed view of the world at times ie it is a hostile place. I have low self esteem and arrogance coexisting simultaneously. I think I am special and different and at times hate myself.

This in no way lessens my pain or absolves my exBPD married lover from the way she has behaved at times, but it does show I had a part to play in it and have certainly triggered her. It also explains why she is probably blaming me and I am blaming her. I do think I am able to sustain love in a way that she isn't - but even that - how would I know for sure unless I actually spent long periods of time with her? I have spent 8 years chasing her so I haven't had a chance to find out if I would have pushed her away like I have many of my past exes. Yet I feel like a victim because I have been dumped so many times. I have gone from relationship to relationship, rarely having a period of time on my own.

I was angry and indignant about the way my ex treated me when I first came here just over a week ago. I was challenged by the moderators on this site and I became even more indignant and yet I listened because I know deep down that something is not right with me. I got married at the age of 47. I have never had kids. I used to joke that I am commitment phobic and that I didn't want the responsibility of kids. Those were just my abandonment and engulfment fears at play. I feel so sad that I have struggled my whole life and not been aware of any of this. I am in a profession where many people have these issues and so within that world of narcissists, I look quite tame by comparison.

I am in the right place to get the help I need.

[Ahoy]

I think she suffers from BPD however i'll never know. All I know is reading more about BPD, hearing peoples stories relaxes me and makes me feel less crazy. I have no idea who I was dating, who I almost started a family with and what the hell just happened to my life.

Just steering this back to your post, since it is your first!

Before I go to bed, I just wanted to add, the knowledge you gain from reading these forums (and the workshops) will probably raise more questions. Questions that your ex will likely not be able to answer.

I think you will find, over time that you will begin to understand who your ex was, and perhaps why she acted the way she did. We can of-course never fully understand our partners rationale BUT knowledge of the disorder does bring clarity.

I recommend searching up a user '2010' and reading some of their posts. Some of the older topics that this user has participated in have helped a lot of members on here, great discussion and discourse from some of our older members.

Finally, as you continue to educate yourself, you might be then look inwards and figure out the part you played in this relationship.

Anyways, good luck and good night!

[RomanticFool]

Hi Kramer,

I agree with Ahoy about educating yourself. I have only been on here for just over two weeks and I have kind of fast-tracked my recovery to the stage where i started to look at myself, mainly because if I made any further contact with her I didn't want to say anything that would inflame the situation more.

It has been helpful to me to discover how emotional and behavioural dysregulation works and what being impaired empathically means. You may or may not feel the same.

By all means have a good read around and if you feel anything anybody has written about their own self analysis strikes a chord, feel free to post about it.

RF

[kramer598]

Thank you everyone for responding! I'm half way through "Walking on Egg Shells" and it's like a explaining the last 4 years of my life to me.  It's weird that she has blocked me on all social media channels. usually the person who cheats doesn't block their ex. I guess it is the pain and the shame of seeing my name pop up. Maybe the guilt of what she did and the life she gave up. IDK, it's makes the whole breakup even harder since it's soo cold. I know she will never reach out to me again because out of fear that I didn't respond. She would be rejected. The whole thing just seems like a bad nightmare, I guess i'm still in Shock !

I'm going to keep going to my counseling appointments and I made an appointment with our old couples counselor because I am curious what she was seeing that caused her to say that she thinks she would benefit from 1x1. Just trying to learn what I should be looking for before I got into my next relationship.

[RomanticFool]

Hi Kramer,

Glad you are finding the literature on here useful. It was like a revelation to me when I read up about this stuff.

I don't think you will ever be able to second guess her reasoning. I doubt if she knows herself. From the material I have been reading, it almost seems inevitable that a BPD will at some point walk away. If we give them too much love they walk as it triggers 'engulfment' fears. If we give them too little they walk as it triggers their abandonment fears. At some point it seems inevitable they are going to paint us black (going away on business can trigger that).

We have no control over other people. All we can do is look at our own responses. What I would do differently with my exBPD is behave a little more empathic and compassionately. That is easier said than done, because with distance, abuse amnesia can kick in. I have to remember just how much pain I was suffering due to her behaviour and my acceptance of the situation. Co-dependency in action!

[Stripey77]

Hi Kramer, and welcome

 

Just re: the social media/email/phone blocking... .and I mean this with all my heart... .forget it. It means nothing, and I can categorically tell you that it says more about the person doing the blocking, in our cases, than it does about us.  It is not a reflection on you, make you a bad person, or mean that you've done something wrong. If we were talking about someone who doesn't have an emotional or mental disorder, then yes, we might think uh-oh... .I've been blocked... .what did I do?  Have you heard the phrase 'every action has a reaction'?  Recently, someone I thought was a friend, at least a friendly acquaintance, for no reason whatsoever stopped talking to me for a few months. No one knows why.  A couple of weeks ago, he suddenly spoke to me on a night out and I thought, good, after 5 months of silence (which doesn't affect my life at all, he's just someone I know out on the town) the ice has been broken. This person has in the past been a prolific drug user I believe, and is known to be a little bit ... .different... .in his thinking, shall we say. 5 days after he spoke to me, I woke up to find that out of the blue, he had both deleted and blocked me for good measure on FB.  :)id I react to it by seeking him out and asking him what he was doing and what I had done wrong? No!  Because I'm not giving him the satisfaction of a response. Now he is left with the bad energy of having put an 'action' out there, but I have not given a reaction  - at least, not to him personally. He can keep it, and whatever reasons he had for doing it, because whatever they were they obviously came to him in the middle of the night, no doubt after a drink or 6. Who cares? He can keep his bad vibes and his non friendship.

Blocking is a very specific tool that people use in this day and age to convey displeasure with someone else... .but whatever my friend's reasons were remain a total mystery. I don't know if I was supposed to come running to make amends or what, but because no one knows what I'm supposed to have done, the meaning behind his action has been totally lost. It has achieved nothing except to create an uncomfortable feeling, especially for all of our mutual friends. It is so utterly immature, childish and pathetic, in my book.

I also happen to know, because I've been around the block a bit and observed enough human behaviour, that my 'friend' will probably at some point crawl out of the woodwork and make contact, even if it's just to say hello on a drunken night out. It's human nature, not least of all when the 'action' didn't get a 'reaction'. Think of what a small child does when they stomp off and have a huge tantrum and throw themselves on the floor or into another room. What happens when no one pays them any attention, or gives the tantrum any credence?  Without fail, they will come back into the room when they want something or to get back to being close to mummy, etc.  I just cannot help but see this kind of behaviour as the same thing.  Please, please please don't base your happiness or feelings of self worth on whether someone (I mean anyone, not just your ex) has blocked you  from seeing their photographs and self centred musings on a computer program. Because that's what FB is, when you break it down. 20 years ago, none of us had this issue to contend with, and it really is a sad reflection of our times. As I say, I am speaking in generic terms here, I realise how hurtful this is when it's the person we had shared our hearts and lives with... .I'll go on to that in a minute.

Now, if I have blocked someone on (for example) Instagram, 99% of the time it's because they've been sending me unsolicited junk mail or inappropriate content, they're a spammer or the suchlike.  I don't just go blocking people who are actually in my life because I've had a tiny misunderstanding with them -  because I'm not 5 years old, for a start. The people I have blocked are total strangers to me, both virtually and in real life. I find it incredibly sad that supposedly grown adults think that the best way to convey their hurt feelings/displeasure/anger is by blocking someone on a social media platform.

But that is not in my book, what is going on in the case of our BPD exes, it is something quite different. And let me tell you why.

I have said the following to my friends here so many countless times, that you can write this on my gravestone.

Facebook is not real life. It is not real life.

If you have a look through these boards, you will see that having been blocked on social media, email, etc. is a very, very very common trait amongst our exes. It has happened to the vast majority of us, it seems. But I don't think it's the same reasons at play with these people as it is for (for example) people like the one I've just outlined above. Rather than being an action motivated as an 'attack' I believe it is another self defence mechanism.  It prevents our exes from seeing or knowing anything about us, the person they got so so close to and are simultaneously frightened of being abandoned by, whilst they abandon us. Seeing our social media, our faces, our photos, is a constant reminder of us. You have to remember how much inner turmoil these people are suffering and the pain they are in.  When you start to view it like this, and think that your ex is doing something to protect herself rather than to hurt you, it really does ease the pain, I think.


I can categorically tell you that this is what's going on, at least drawing on my own example, because my ex blocked me on nearly (note: nearly) everything he could think of and find when he left me after a recycle and then I said something he was angry about to someone. Maybe it was in part punishment, but I think it was far more to do with out of sight, out of mind. He was trying to make me 'disappear' and he blocked me on Skype, Instagram (we each have 2 accounts, a business and a personal one... .at least he blocked me on one and unfollowed the other) and of course the all important Facebook was the first to go. This happened gradually over a few days after he sent me a message TELLING me not to talk to his friends and I stopped replying. I stopped playing the game and a few days later he saw me out on the town and of course he was ignoring me. The next morning, he blocked me. It was the sight of me that triggered this.

When my ex suddenly broke his silence after 6 months of pure mental hell for me, and came waltzing back in to my life, one of the things he told me before a massive heart to heart was that I had been 'cancelled' from his life. He said I was deleted, I no longer existed. He'd already told me this 5 months before on Xmas Eve so it was quite staggering to hear it all again 5 months later, but then I had given him no reaction. He then went on to tell me that he had deleted everything because he didn't want to see anything about me, didn't want to know what I was doing... .something along those lines.

Do you see where I'm going with this? The blocking wasn't to hurt me or to stop me knowing anything about him. He didn't want to see me.  It is quite a different thing, and actually, it softened the blow.

Now the reason I tell you that Facebook is not real life (neither is any other social media app or email) is this. My ex has been in, and out, and in, and out of my life over and over and over the last year and a half. Sometimes talking to me, sometimes being my lover, sometimes wanting to talk to me hand in hand all night at  a bar, sometimes inviting himself back to my home, or appearing under my balcony. Or stopping by my workplace as he passed by to have a little chat.  ALL the while, I have remained blocked on all of these things. So how can I possibly take being blocked on FB seriously? It means absolutely nothing to me anymore, if the love of my life can tell me that I no longer exist, and yet keep finding ways to talk to me again, then not, then talk to me again... .I have learned to take it all with a huge pinch of salt. Big whoop... .it's only Facebook. It's not a reflection at all of what's actually going on.  I urge you to try to take a step back and look at your own situation through a slightly different lens. Your ex sounds as if she's in a lot of turmoil. Do you think that her blocking you says more about you... .do you think you did anything to 'deserve' it? I know it's a horrible feeling and it hurts,  I truly do... .but do you think, perhaps, that it says more about her, in fact?

At the moment, my ex and I are not talking again. In fact it's me who doesn't want to because I'm p*ssed off for the first time, but I will not cut all channels. The one channel he has always kept open (WhatsApp) remains unblocked and he has also allowed me to 'follow' him on IG. I know only too well, and he knows that I know, that he will be back to talk to me again in due course. Not if, when.  But I'm still not his friend on Facebook.  

I hope this has given you a slightly different perspective.  As I say, read the boards, you will see so so many others of us have had this experience, and so many of us suddenly found ourselves blocked or unblocked seemingly at random. But... .it's not real life, so it really doesn't matter.  

[kramer598]

Thank you @Stripey77

I think you are correct, it is more of a defense tactic for her then trying to hurt me. Again I never did anything but try to make her life better in 4 years. I think being able to see my name pop up on other posts or liking certain pages would hurt her. I'd like to think it reminds her of what she did and what she lost however I am not so sure about that. I know she will always care about me because I truly was the closest person ever and she let me in more than anyone else. I know part of her will always regret what happen which is why she doesn't want to think about me so she can move in. It's just weird blocking someone on Linkedin and Fitbit. But she is still friends with my friends, family and spouses of my family members. I'd think if she wanted to move forward and create distance she would drop all of them as well but again I have to remind myself that she is somewhat mentally ill and does not process things like I would think she does. It is also weird that since she gave me the ring back, all she was posting on Pinterest was engagement rings, rings that looked like what she just gave up. IDK but even if she had someone else, the last thing I would be thinking about is engagement rings seeing how I just messed up my engagement.