seeing my own role in our failure, 3 years+ post breakup

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi guys,

I used to come here and research obsessively about BPD for hours, days, trying to understand my then-boyfriend because his BPD was creating so much anxiety in me.

I then used the board to reassure myself after I had broken up with him because he would not get therapy and was in unbearable pain forcing myself to cut myself off from him

today I know I had just as much of a role in our demise as him.
I was extremely anxious and codependent to begin with.
I had deeply burried and hidden self-hatred and my ex's love bombing felt like the first time I could be reassured about my worth
his mental health issues and dependence on my unbound acceptance of his flaws was a way to make sure I was with someone who would never leave because he needed me too much and securely attached people would not have put up with his sh*t
I bottled everything up and when everything spilled out in extremely uncharacteristic anger and demands of change after years he was in shock and never got over it
I was convinced I understood him better than he did himself and I had no issues, if anything I was being too nice, not realising that I was not being nice but codependent
Then when therapy made me realise my own role in this I felt unbearable shame and self hatred
it took many more months of childhood trauma informed therapy to finally start healing the toxic shame I carried in me

this is what I should I have done from the start but I was blind to my own flaws
my ex never really got over the break up. He was not ready for change and I tried to force him. I thought I wanted to help him but I should have helped myself. We only ended up hurting each other. Just like him I was a prisoner to my unhealthy coping mechanisms and fear of abandonment.

Am now learning to forgive myself. I have been forced to learn about myself and will not repeat the same mistake again. Love bombing can no longer work on me. I am finally starting to not fear being in a committed relationship again. This relationship and break up forced me to do the ugly work and it's super hard but the only path to balance and a calmer life.

Just wanted to share

[an-cat-dubh]

Hi guys,

I used to come here and research obsessively about BPD for hours, days, trying to understand my then-boyfriend because his BPD was creating so much anxiety in me.

I then used the board to reassure myself after I had broken up with him because he would not get therapy and was in unbearable pain forcing myself to cut myself off from him

today I know I had just as much of a role in our demise as him.
I was extremely anxious and codependent to begin with.
I had deeply burried and hidden self-hatred and my ex's love bombing felt like the first time I could be reassured about my worth
his mental health issues and dependence on my unbound acceptance of his flaws was a way to make sure I was with someone who would never leave because he needed me too much and securely attached people would not have put up with his sh*t
I bottled everything up and when everything spilled out in extremely uncharacteristic anger and demands of change after years he was in shock and never got over it
I was convinced I understood him better than he did himself and I had no issues, if anything I was being too nice, not realising that I was not being nice but codependent
Then when therapy made me realise my own role in this I felt unbearable shame and self hatred
it took many more months of childhood trauma informed therapy to finally start healing the toxic shame I carried in me

this is what I should I have done from the start but I was blind to my own flaws
my ex never really got over the break up. He was not ready for change and I tried to force him. I thought I wanted to help him but I should have helped myself. We only ended up hurting each other. Just like him I was a prisoner to my unhealthy coping mechanisms and fear of abandonment.

Am now learning to forgive myself. I have been forced to learn about myself and will not repeat the same mistake again. Love bombing can no longer work on me. I am finally starting to not fear being in a committed relationship again. This relationship and break up forced me to do the ugly work and it's super hard but the only path to balance and a calmer life.

Just wanted to share

[Kashi]

I didn't fall for the love bombing.  I read the room wrong.  I thought I could see what her issues were and accommodate that and it would improve.  Then I became aware there wasn't any self-growth.  There weren't any excuses.  Because we were fairly young.  I was a bit older and more experienced.

I got stuck in a time warp, as the years passed, and she found a million and one excuses why...

I wasn't be yelled at, I was being manipulated.

There is power in taking ownership of your flaws.  I thank you for sharing.  I am glad you have found your way.

[tina7868]

I can relate to what you’re saying so much! It is only recently that I realized to what extent my own traits contributed not only to the end of the relationship, but (more significantly) to my subsequent unhealthy attachment to my ex with BPD. Like you said, there needs to be hard work put in to find balance within ourselves.

From this realization comes a whole new, deeper level of growth, and I thank you for sharing your story. Keep us updated on how you’re doing (if it’s beneficial to you!), I’m sure many more can relate to you as well and we can learn together

[an-cat-dubh]

I thought I could see what her issues were and accommodate that and it would improve.  Then I became aware there wasn't any self-growth.  There weren't any excuses.  Because we were fairly young.  I was a bit older and more experienced.

I too saw clearly who he was and he didn't hide it, I just fell for him hard. I had not realised back then you can't be with someone for their potential. I thought I could help. But you can't force growth on someone unfortunately... Hard enough to grow yourself haha. Hope you're doing better.

I realized to what extent my own traits contributed not only to the end of the relationship, but (more significantly) to my subsequent unhealthy attachment to my ex with BPD. Like you said, there needs to be hard work put in to find balance within ourselves.

From this realization comes a whole new, deeper level of growth

for sure, the break up and what followed was so hard for us as neither of us wanted to let go. It forced me to look at my own behaviour. I wish it hadn't had to go that far for me to see how I was acting... And I'm still processing to an extent, but it's not agony anymore. And I have learn a great deal. Good luck to you.

[once removed]

well said.

I am finally starting to not fear being in a committed relationship again.

that sounds like a promising mark of healing. the dating world is a slog. it can either kick our ass, or we can kick its.

what would you say are the top lessons you want to take into future relationships?