gave her a dose of her own medicine. I was not nice...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So I have started going out again.  This past Friday I decided to go out with a few friend to a local bar.  I had a great time.  Drank, played some pool and just overall had a great time.   So while I was having fun I Just so happened to notice the most attractive girl in this bar.  She was as close as you could possibly get to a 10.   I was full of liquid courage and approached her. Started talking, ended up talking to her for the last 2 hours that the bar was open.  I got her number and went home.

Well last night I decided to go on a date with her.  Things went good, lots of laughs, could not have asked for anything more.  It was so nice to be back into the game so to speak. I did learn that I am however not ready for this, but with that being said I did get a nice picture of the two of us together.  She was kissing me on the cheek

Now here is the part where I gave her a dose of her own medicine.  I emailed the picture to her.  I also sent a quick note with the picture it said " I would just like to thank you for cheating on me, lying, stealing and overall being a terrible person"    That was it.   She did reply today with " how could you move on so quickly, you have no heart"

I know she has already gone though 3 other guys, she is currently on her fourth.    Do I feel bad for doing this ?  Yes, I actually do.  I never wanted to ever go down to her level.  This is not the way that I normally conduct myself.  I know a part of me wanted her to feel some of the pain that she has caused me every time I see her with another guy.  A part of me regrets doing this, the other part of me has a smile from ear to ear.

Just thought I would share... .

[justanotherguy25]

So I have started going out again.  This past Friday I decided to go out with a few friend to a local bar.  I had a great time.  Drank, played some pool and just overall had a great time.   So while I was having fun I Just so happened to notice the most attractive girl in this bar.  She was as close as you could possibly get to a 10.   I was full of liquid courage and approached her. Started talking, ended up talking to her for the last 2 hours that the bar was open.  I got her number and went home.

Well last night I decided to go on a date with her.  Things went good, lots of laughs, could not have asked for anything more.  It was so nice to be back into the game so to speak. I did learn that I am however not ready for this, but with that being said I did get a nice picture of the two of us together.  She was kissing me on the cheek

Now here is the part where I gave her a dose of her own medicine.  I emailed the picture to her.  I also sent a quick note with the picture it said " I would just like to thank you for cheating on me, lying, stealing and overall being a terrible person"    That was it.   She did reply today with " how could you move on so quickly, you have no heart"

I know she has already gone though 3 other guys, she is currently on her fourth.    Do I feel bad for doing this ?  Yes, I actually do.  I never wanted to ever go down to her level.  This is not the way that I normally conduct myself.  I know a part of me wanted her to feel some of the pain that she has caused me every time I see her with another guy.  A part of me regrets doing this, the other part of me has a smile from ear to ear.

Just thought I would share... .

[redbaron5]

Lay down with dogs, wake up with Flees. Do not stoop to her level.

If your EX is truly cluster B you are completely wasting your time and energy. You cannot teach a Cluster B a lesson. You cannot make them understand, feel, or have empathy for your emotions.  She violated every boundary you had by cheating on you,, lying to you, and whatever else this particular cluster B witch did to you, and her response is to tell YOU that you have no heart.

Let me help you out with one simple phrase, it is all about her, it is all about her, it is all about her.

Once you accept this simple phrase as the reality of dealing with a Cluster B sink in as the truth only then will you realize how much you are completely wasting your time.

Any contact, "revenge" or weak manipulation attempts you make such as sending her a picture to make her jealous only serve to make her dislike you more,  she will just use them to justify her awful behavior t words you.

"SEE, he has no heart!  Good thing I lied to him, cheated on him!"

You are completely wasting your time. You absolutely cannot give a cluster B a "dose of their own medicine"  She doesn't even operate on the same level of concscience that you do.

Would you try to teach a Rabbit Trigonometry?

Do not waste your time on any more "Lessons"

Love yourself, cut the cluster B witch out of your life forever.

[Narellan]

Yes I agree with the above response. I also feel bad for the girl you dated /" used" to get back at your ex. Did she give you permission to email the photo? I'm glad you feel remorseful about doing this. Rise above the petty games. You are too strong a person to be attempting paybacks which ultimately just hurt you more. I don't know if you are planning on seeing the new girl again, but if so I think you may have done your dash with her. Take some time out and grieve the loss of your ex before getting involved with someone new. Ultimately enough people have already been hurt, no one else needs to dragged into the mess. Take care.

[Lion Fire]

I agree with the above responses.

Keep the moral high ground and do not lower your own standards.

If the girl you dated last night is " a ten", take it slow with her and try to build a healthy relationship over time.

Keep your side of the street clean

[Infared]

Justanother,

I did something like this but it just fell into my lap. I worked very hard to be the mature one in the break up. I had initiated NC and had to work dligently to maintain it as my ex BPD would go waaaaay out of her way to cause me emotional pain with or without the guy she cheated on me with and ran off with during our 5yr live-in relationship. It was incomprehensible the lengths she would go to. Never been through anything like it.

On this particular evening (about 1.5-2 years after no contact)... . I am driving to a destination with my new girlfriend following me in her car. We were on our way to an event and had decided to stop off at Boston Market for a quick bite as we had not eaten dinner. It was dark. I pulled up to a red light, with my GF directly behind me, both in right lane of a 4-lane highway. I look in mirror and smile as she is quite beautiful.  

A car has pulled up next to me on the left and stopped at the light. I don't notice, but I sense something. The person next to me is my BPD ex, she has turned on her dome light, and is leaning across into the empty passenger seat with her head arched back so the light hits her face, "striking a pose", facing me but looking off into the distance,  as if to proclaim "here is the candy, but you can't have any". I am looking in the rear-view mirror (she has no clue)... thinking "is this REALLY happening?" The light changes, my ex guns the gas and pulls in front of me and at that moment I am dead sure that she is going to the same strip mall that we are, 3 mi. down the road even tho I have not been there in years. (How do I KNOW this?).

She turns into the parking lot and parks and I say in my head "after all the sh!t I have been dished this is just too tempting." I park across the isle from her we are both facing one another (her with the dome light back on, reveling in all the power she thinks that she has over me... . so sick),  My date has parked over on my exes side of the isle, gets out of her car as I do, we both meet right in front of my ex's car, and she slips her arm in mine as we walk away. I have to tell you I felt like I had finally shot back! What are the odds of this happening?

When we came out from dinner, I looked over and saw that my ex's car was still there, empty... . with the dome light still on!

Of course I also felt horrible that I had used my date... . but it wasn't like I had planned this. (I did tell her what had happened and apologized for my part in it.) It just happened,  and I had truly been abused by my ex for so long I felt God was serving this one up to me.

... . but I was definitely left with mixed feelings and suffered with that event stuck in my head, and perhaps how I acted for a long time after. ... . it also left me knowing once again, that BPD's are mentally ill individuals that can be purely evil, who cause a lot of suffering, but they "seem" to not suffer at all. Very difficult to endure if you are anywhere close to being a normal human being.

[fromheeltoheal]

Do I feel bad for doing this ?  Yes, I actually do.  Probably shouldn't do that anymore then.  If you want to hurt your borderline, just disappear; the core of the disorder is the fear of abandonment, and actual abandonment hurts a BPD sufferer to their core.  Disappear to take care of you and heal, which is where the focus needs to be, but knowing taking care of yourself exacts the best revenge you could ever get will dissuade you from doing any more overtly mean things to her.

Spending time with other people is a great way to get over your ex, as long as you're honest and forthright with them; if you're not ready for a relationship and just want companionship, tell new women that; some will leave, some will be OK with that, and some will display the traits of a personality disorder which you will notice, since we're highly attuned to such crap now.  Good practice for not repeating what you went through.

[shellshockeduk]

Some great points raised. I wanted to add my point as well. Another reason for never sinking to their level is they really do no have a level.

Never under estimate the hurt they will inflict back at you. Its water off a ducks back to them and what they shall throw back your way will be 10 fold. They wont think twice about sinking to the lowest levels because in their head its justified, so just don't even think about going there. Be the bigger healthy person and walk away. As said the best revenge is walking away from them.

[Mutt]

If I met a 10 in a bar, let me kiss her like that and take a photo, I'd be wary that I'm getting myself involved with another PD, after having just been with one.

[1KitKat]

A lot of this really hits home for me.  My exBPD has been going out of his way to hurt me for about a year now, all because I was the 'wrong' one.  He took this to new depths about five weeks ago by doing something so deviant that I just blew it.  It was at that point that a counsellor collared me and explained what 'gaslighting' means.  That knowledge in turn led me to this BPD support forum.

Once you get that BPD's are bent on causing emotional pain, the WHY almost ceases to matter.  I say 'almost' because I am still stuck a little IN the story.  I'm doing much better with the whole scenario though, and I'm in a better headspace than I was last summer.  I nearly ended my life last July.  Thankfully, I got up the courage to live another day, then another one, and then another.

Good thread.  Love it.

[1KitKat]

I forgot one of the most important parts. 

I periodically reach out via text msg and give him a lambasting.  I have felt bad, guilty, wicked and all of that stuff when I do it but have recently realized that I am processing my anger, and this is a healthy thing.  So be it if I give him a metaphorical nosebleed; I recognize that at one point I will no longer need to do it because my rage will have passed.  This may be what you are going through, based on your description?

[LettingGo14]

Just thought I'd add 2 cents.

The pivotal moment in my road to healing occurred when I turned 100% of the focus back to myself.   Period.   I stopped seeking answers for my pain in my ex-girlfriend, and I stopped looking for validation from others.

Did she hurt me?  Yes.

Can I survive the pain?  Yes.

Do I need to hurt her more?  No.

Can I let go of her?  Yes.

As long as we dance with the past, we remain stuck.  Just a thought.

[1KitKat]

Amen, LG14.  It took me a long time to realize all of this, and I still have setbacks.  but... .   AMEN.

Blessings... .

[LettingGo14]

I periodically reach out via text msg and give him a lambasting.  I have felt bad, guilty, wicked and all of that stuff when I do it but have recently realized that I am processing my anger, and this is a healthy thing.  So be it if I give him a metaphorical nosebleed; I recognize that at one point I will no longer need to do it because my rage will have passed.  

Respectfully 1KitKat, and I mean this with honor for the pain you suffered, indulging anger is not processing anger.

I spent a lot of time with anger.  My anger boiled and raged and, for a time, I did not want my ex-girlfriend to be happy if I could not be happy.

But, learning about the disorder allowed me to let go of my ex-girlfriend.  She struggles with things I have no concept of.

Owning my anger -- leaning into the spear of it on my own -- is what helped most.   Indulging it kept it alive.   Owning it suffocated it.

Peace.

Amen, LG14.  It took me a long time to realize all of this, and I still have setbacks.  but... .   AMEN.

Blessings... .

 

Thank you for this -- we are ALL in this together.

[Skip]

She was kissing me on the cheek  I emailed the picture to her.  I also sent a quick note with the picture it said " I would just like to thank you for cheating on me, lying, stealing and overall being a terrible person"    That was it.

Still hurting over this       I know that losing a girlfriend AND a loving child is really hard.

That email isn't going to look too good to her mother or her son or her best friend... . and hopefully it doesn't make its way back to the girl you dated last night.  

We do (I certainly did) a lot of immature things in these relationships.  Part of healing is steeping up to a higher level of emotional intelligence.  

Hope you stay around and work on it with us.  We all have had our bad days.

[Infared]

Kit Kat... . I had come close to suicide,too... . mine ran off a week before Xmas... . denying any "others".  Then (him new hero, me now villain)... . they both started to go out of their way to hurt me (like I did not hurt enough!).  I fell back into substance abuse to cope, but quickly realized that I would end up dead... . so I got a therapist, got into a men's group therapy and got into substance abuse self-help.  I definitely had a part in my situation... . after all... . I "picked" her. I kind of laugh now.  I can definitely go into a room full of people and want to gravitate toward the sickest person in the room. ... . but today with continued work on myself, I can make the choice not to do that!

The only time I did any counter measures with my ex was the post I listed above.  I got in counseling and learned to detach with love. I got none back... . but it was about loving me and "what person did I want to be". I had to learn all of that.

I really love all the posts here, the honesty and the shared experience... . it helps us all to heal.

Years later (recently), my ex tried to "ambush" me in a parking lot... . and I was able to react in a self-protective way... . put my head down, sped up, went right around her, got in my car and got out of Dodge! People who have not been through this can say whatever they want... . but I was just beaming with self-love in that moment.

Everyone here understands that there could be no "normal" interaction in that moment.

We all can get there.

[1KitKat]

I periodically reach out via text msg and give him a lambasting.  I have felt bad, guilty, wicked and all of that stuff when I do it but have recently realized that I am processing my anger, and this is a healthy thing.  So be it if I give him a metaphorical nosebleed; I recognize that at one point I will no longer need to do it because my rage will have passed.  

Respectfully 1KitKat, and I mean this with honor for the pain you suffered, indulging anger is not processing anger.

I spent a lot of time with anger.  My anger boiled and raged and, for a time, I did not want my ex-girlfriend to be happy if I could not be happy.

But, learning about the disorder allowed me to let go of my ex-girlfriend.  She struggles with things I have no concept of.

Owning my anger -- leaning into the spear of it on my own -- is what helped most.   Indulging it kept it alive.   Owning it suffocated it.

Peace.

Amen, LG14.  It took me a long time to realize all of this, and I still have setbacks.  but... .   AMEN.

Blessings... .

 

Thank you for this -- we are ALL in this together.

Oh, I own it.  Don't get me wrong.  I definitely own it.  Every day is better.  But I have learned not to beat myself up if I lash out.  I guess that's what I was trying to get across.  One has to travel THROUGH the anger to get to the other side.  I guess that's how I see it.  And... .   no offense taken for sure, LG14.  As you have written, we are all in this together.  Well-said. 

[Skip]

Well last night I decided to go on a date with her.  Things went good, lots of laughs, could not have asked for anything more.  It was so nice to be back into the game so to speak. I did learn that I am however not ready for this... .

justanotherguy, it's good to realize you are not ready to date seriously yet.

What happened in your "BPD" relationship?  I remember she was living with you for a year and then moved home.  

When did the cheating and lying happen? When she lived with you?  After she moved out?

[corraline]

We all make poor choices when we are in pain. Been there done that. Forgive yourself if you regret your choice and learn from it.

A little while ago I ran into a man that he knows from a men's group he is involved in.  We had a conversation that involved his recent breakup of his wife of 28 years and how painful it was, i shared that i was no longer with my ex and it was painful too. No more details than that, i tried to have pretty good boundaries. I probably should have not said a thing.  My ex seems to know about it.

I received the most vicious attacks thru email from him telling me that the first step for  me to becoming a real human being is to stop my sick vampiring off of vulnerable men and to leave this guy alone.  There were many emails including abusive language etc... . About six of them to both of my emails.

So... . i finally blocked him from my emails .    My interaction with his friend was nothing to do with an attempt to hurt my ex.  His perception of my interaction with this man sent my ex into a very ugly place.

Nothing healthy seems to come of anything related to my ex , except for trying to get well and focusing on myself.

[justanotherguy25]

Well last night I decided to go on a date with her.  Things went good, lots of laughs, could not have asked for anything more.  It was so nice to be back into the game so to speak. I did learn that I am however not ready for this... .

justanotherguy, it's good to realize you are not ready to date seriously yet.

What happened in your "BPD" relationship?  I remember she was living with you for a year and then moved home.  

When did the cheating and lying happen? When she lived with you?  After she moved out?

She was doing it almost the entire time we were together, I just had no idea until after it was over.  Once I realized what I was dealing with I started digging into things a little deeper and found out way too much info that I really did not need to know.

I agree with everything that everyone has posted.  I know what I did was wrong, I completely understand it.

[Skip]

Can you fill us in.  It helps to know what you are dealing with.

[Narellan]

JAG dont be hard on yourself. I second what Coraline says. We all do erratic things when we are in pain. Try to focus on how good and normal you felt being on your date. And surround yourself with your mates and doing fun stuff. Peace will come to you when you start looking forward, not back. Take care of yourself 

[justanotherguy25]

Can you fill us in.  It helps to know what you are dealing with.

She slept with at least 5 other guys in the 2 years that we were dating.  She was using drugs ( coke and crack ) , abusing pills.  She stole 1000's of dollars from me.  You name it, she did it.

[redbaron5]

She slept with at least 5 other guys in the 2 years that we were dating.  She was using drugs ( coke and crack ) , abusing pills.  She stole 1000's of dollars from me.  You name it, she did it.

I know you've thought about this enough, but think about it some more. This person does not operate on the same level of human assistance as you do. Not cognitively, not morally, not in anyway.

Would you be mad at a person with down syndrome that could not do calculus? No, of course not, because they are retarded. So why waste time being mad at your EX?

[Infared]

Anger is a healthy part of the grieving and abandonment recovery process... . best if carefully directed.

[corraline]

It takes a lot of discipline to feel your feelings, get behind the thought that is behind them and make a healthy choice about how to process them or deal with them.  Its hard not to be reactive and project pain and hurt onto another that is hurting you. I am not angel, I have hurt my ex too in subtle ways and maybe more destructive.

I am getting better at taking a step back when feelings come up and working through them.  I do my best to get behind the thought and make a healthier choice about how I deal with them.  It would not be to my benefit or anyone else's to react out of pain or fear. Its difficult because standing up for myself in a healthy way and reacting out of fear or pain feels like a thin line.  I am trying to get clarity and understanding about the difference.  Sometimes i feel like I am weak if i just allow others to take advantage and not say anything.  All of my life I let certain people (especially family members and some partners ) treat me in ways that did not feel good to me. I am afraid of confrontation probably because of my abandonment issues and when things happened i would react by being in shock about what happened and internalize it depending on how much it triggered me.  Then I would resent them for doing what they did... . talk about them behind their back and seethe inside. I couldn't bring myself to speak up, too much fear, too much of a risk. But in truth, i was probably more angry with myself. Its something I need to work on.

Being with a person with BPD triggers our stuff big time... . It calls us to look at ourselves and how we relate to ourselves and the rest of the world.  That is my personal experience.

This thread brings this up for me anyhow.

[Infared]

It takes a lot of discipline to feel your feelings, get behind the thought that is behind them and make a healthy choice about how to process them or deal with them.  Its hard not to be reactive and project pain and hurt onto another that is hurting you. I am not angel, I have hurt my ex too in subtle ways and maybe more destructive.

I am getting better at taking a step back when feelings come up and working through them.  I do my best to get behind the thought and make a healthier choice about how I deal with them.  It would not be to my benefit or anyone else's to react out of pain or fear. Its difficult because standing up for myself in a healthy way and reacting out of fear or pain feels like a thin line.  I am trying to get clarity and understanding about the difference.  Sometimes i feel like I am weak if i just allow others to take advantage and not say anything.  All of my life I let certain people (especially family members and some partners ) treat me in ways that did not feel good to me. I am afraid of confrontation probably because of my abandonment issues and when things happened i would react by being in shock about what happened and internalize it depending on how much it triggered me.  Then I would resent them for doing what they did... . talk about them behind their back and seethe inside. I couldn't bring myself to speak up, too much fear, too much of a risk. But in truth, i was probably more angry with myself. Its something I need to work on.

Being with a person with BPD triggers our stuff big time... . It calls us to look at ourselves and how we relate to ourselves and the rest of the world.  That is my personal experience.

This thread brings this up for me anyhow.

Well said Corraline... .

... . and in a relationship with or leaving a relationship with a BPD it is especially difficult because you, (or me) try to do be introspective, take the higher road, it seems we have to be this invincible gladiator, where we have to do everything on the high road (and in my case, leaving a BPD) get NOTHING even close to a responsible, caring normal person on the other end.  I had to drop all expectations and work at what I thought was being a good person in the middle of (what I would consider) massive mistreatment.   I REALLY think I was able to take the high road (other than the one instance I mentioned in this thread), with a lot of support, professional and otherwise... . I did feel good about myself on one level... . but the pain, disappointment and loneliness sure were HUGE, too.   

In the end, I had this woman that I seemed to love more than anything in the whole world, who turned into a raging, abusive, cruel 7 year-old-child... . and the person that she "hooked-up" with acted the same way?

Really, Really difficult life stuff to deal with, and man... . can that whole situation just jam all your buttons. It is really hard to be me and not have any expectations of someone else's behavior, especially someone that I had shared so much with and had deep family connections with. ... . but this is the really life stuff on the entanglement of one of these relationship. Self forgiveness can go a long way to help, too. I repeatedly work on that.   

[Skip]

You raise a good question infared - why should we take the high road?

[Emelie Emelie]

Because taking the "high road" helps us detach... . focus on ourselves... . feel better about ourselves. 

[Infared]

You raise a good question infared - why should we take the high road?

Thanks Emelle... . yes... . right on target.

Also Skip, I was just in so much pain & anger.   I wanted to rage, revenge etc.

But then I decided that I was just at this point in my life... . where I just did not want to be part of the problem... . plus... I really loved her parents and I wanted to just be this guy that I never was... . and in the end... . I did that... . and I can tell you the one lasting thing that it gave me... . I was able to walk down the street and KNOW how I behaved.  I actually had functioned like a person who was worth loving. The hell with her... I loved me... . never felt like that before at that level. (BTW her parents of course have no idea of want went down as she is a professional liar).

I dated someone after that and I ended it for all healthy reasons... . sat her down, talked to her... . and guess what... . we are decent friends today. Not best friends or anything mind you... . but we do get together with regularity and can be supportive to one another.

None of that would have been possible in my life if I had not gone through the ringer with my BPD.  I feel like I am in "Relationship Recovery" ... . and I learned a new way to conduct "me"... .

Let's just say, if I came upon my BPD the way that I did back then... Now... . I would not even consider a date or friendship, from the get-go.

No way. There was too much info right in front of me that I just disregarded because "I" was not healthy either. I still have to work at forgiving myself for making that choice.

[Narellan]

Wow. I've learned so much from these above posts. And skips question about taking the high road. I've always done that my whole life and internalised my feelings. I want to show my sons the right way to behave. That nothing good comes from being so reactive. I learned this through my 22 year marriage with an extremely reactive bipolar husband. I could never predict his reactions, so I lived in an anxious fear like state. With my BPD ex, I feel like I don't know what he's capable of, and a lot of " taking the high road" in my situation is based on fear. I don't want an ugly confrontation. It's not about abandonment so much, he's already abandoned me. It's more that I'm scared he will damage me further, either with physical aggression or by slander. So lots of my pain is not being able to express my true feelings to him, and my former best friend.

Also in my job with disabled people, they often have a dual disability with mental health overlooked, and I have been subjected to physical abuse, so have been trained how to not be reactive to this. It's really hard when someone's got you by the hair and pounding into you and your fight or flight mechanism kicks in. I'm trained not to do either, just calmly defuse the situation. ( this example happened a few months back) it goes against everything our bodies are screaming at us to do. A bit like reacting to our BPD exes.

You are all so right though in that when we internalise this stuff over and over we in fact make ourselves willing participants in the victim role.

[Ziggiddy]

JustAnotherGuy - man, in amongst all this, I get the other posts but I have to validate your honesty. We've all done stuff like this. BPD or not - totally understandable human nature. Hopefully not too damaging to your new friend - who by the way may have been flattered by you thinking she was attractive enough that you would want your x to see you with her. No doubt you know that it was not the best you could be but -hey. It's a learning thing if nothing else.

Z