Overheard

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I was talking to a friend the other night and my uBPDbf heard parts.  So now I am "Mud" because I "have no filter" yet when we got home he barraided me for about an hour.  And when I didn't answer he started stuff about my daughter and then brought up my past.  Maybe it wasn't right for me to talk to a mutual friend, but how do they NEVER see what they do is wrong.  He actually can justify what he did at night and the beraiding of me.  I'm co-cependent in some degree and i feel i am pathetic.

Then he says to me "he will always love me!"  I'm sorry but if this is his definition of love I don't want any anymore!

[FigureIt]

I was talking to a friend the other night and my uBPDbf heard parts.  So now I am "Mud" because I "have no filter" yet when we got home he barraided me for about an hour.  And when I didn't answer he started stuff about my daughter and then brought up my past.  Maybe it wasn't right for me to talk to a mutual friend, but how do they NEVER see what they do is wrong.  He actually can justify what he did at night and the beraiding of me.  I'm co-cependent in some degree and i feel i am pathetic.

Then he says to me "he will always love me!"  I'm sorry but if this is his definition of love I don't want any anymore!

[FigureIt]

My uBPDbf almost always rages when he is drunk.  I get that I shouldn't talk in his presence, but I don't need to hear him come at me for an hour.  I didn't engage in the conversation and he just kept going.

[Littleleft]

I know how difficult it is to be on the receiving end of a BPD rage, I'm sorry you're having a rough time with it.  My SO does the same when he rages, goes on at me for how I'm to blame for everything and anything, and after a while will go onto my family (as he knows that hurts me to say bad things about my family) and my past just like you said (usually to do with me having had more bfs than he had gfs before me, how that makes me a slut, even though we been together 12 years and I've always been faithful, and he wasn't at the beginning of our r/s).

My SO is now in recovery in aa which helps a bit, the rages were probably more frequent when he was drinking and aa is also teaching him to look at his own actions and behaviours - whilst that doesn't stop him from raging, it can sometimes help him to see what he's done after.

I am learning to be very careful about what I say when he's around whether it's to him or to someone else.  It's definitely not ideal.  I can't speak to him about anything that might be bothering me, even when it's not related to him, as it sparks him off.  I think any negativity is too much stress for him.  I've had a lot of stressful things to deal with in recent years and haven't had any emotional support from him, in fact in the past when I did try to speak to him he often ended up having a go at me which was definitely less than helpful.  So i stopped talking to him about a lot of things.  Now he says I dont open up to him, I wonder why?

Do you have any good times with your SO FigureIt? Or is it mostly difficult times now?

[FigureIt]

When other people are around we have good times.  But once they are gone usually he has been drinking for an extended period and then he begins to rage.  The previous time before this was about 2weeks ago.  I wanted to go when, when everyone else left, instead of going out somewhere else.  When he's not drinking, then raging, he is sitting at home rocking in his chair watching TV after working out.  I've asked for him to come to my d8 sports, to sit by the pool with me, to take a walk with the dogs.  I am always told no.

And since his most recent rage he has told me he will not attend a family wedding with me this weekend.  I told him if he choose not to attend he has chosen not to be with me.  I just wish I had the financial means to leave NOW!

I am always trying to watch what I say.  I can't talk to my daughter about her dad.  When I talk with my mom it is when my uBPDbf is not around.  I can't tell him about my work or people there.  If I talk about any male co-worker then I'm planning an affair.  Any weakness or insecurity I have ever told him, he has thrown back at me during a rage & threat.  So now I say nothing, other then daily trivial stuff.

[Littleleft]

Sounds like things are very similar for us.  Do you think you've made up your mind to leave and you're just waiting for the right time?

I think I'm at the very top of what I can take of all the blaming, criticism and verbal and emotional abuse now. It's affected my feelings now to be point where I don't think I can go back to feeling the same way about him anymore. Think I might be moving to post on the Leaving board soon, but it's difficult to make that decision after all this time.

[FigureIt]

Yes, I've made up my mind that when I can financially I will leave. I'm still on this board because I'm living undecided by staying here. When I do make that move I expect to be slandered by him everywhere he can. He doesn't want anyone to know his "evil" although the funny thing is most of his friends say he a good friend but a horrible bf.

I wish he would leave, but he is so selfish that he finds nothing wrong with watching a 8yr old move, possibly change schools, leave her home etc. (not his child)

I'm 40 now, gave up 14 years to my narcissistic ex-husband (believe me I'm reminded regularly of my previous mistake by current bf), don't want to waste more time then already have. My plan is to learn from my mistakes & red flags and not date for a while. Spend life with my d8 and if something comes around know what to watch out for!

[Littleleft]

That would be tough in your child, but better to be out of a toxic r/s, better for both you and the child.

When the topic of one of us leaving our house has come up my pwBPD has always said he won't leave, even though I pay for everything, he still somehow expects that if we split up I should leave.  He also has family locally and I don't, so to anyone else it would seem reasonable for him to move out and stay with his family, but not by his logic!

He also gives me a hard time for a previous r/s which looking back at it now was probably a person with BPD too.  I made the mistake of telling my current pwBPD about what happened in that r/s and now he frequently uses it against me, telling me it was all my fault and I treated that person badly, just like he says I do with him too.

I hope you are able to find some peace and happiness soon 

[AimingforMastery]

Sounds like things are very similar for us.  Do you think you've made up your mind to leave and you're just waiting for the right time?

I think I'm at the very top of what I can take of all the blaming, criticism and verbal and emotional abuse now. It's affected my feelings now to be point where I don't think I can go back to feeling the same way about him anymore. Think I might be moving to post on the Leaving board soon, but it's difficult to make that decision after all this time.

Good luck... . , genuinely

[FigureIt]

I made the mistake of telling my current pwBPD about what happened in that r/s and now he frequently uses it against me, telling me it was all my fault and I treated that person badly, just like he says I do with him too.

I hope you are able to find some peace and happiness soon  

I made that mistake too. I told my current uBPDbf about my past, my mistakes, how I felt hurt, used, broken etc. ALL of it has come and bit me right back in the ___.  H has brown everything back at me. He has even stated that he would tell my ex-husband stuff &/or testify for my ex if he took me to court if we break up. Honestly, there is nothing that I have done wrong, it's just before he used that as control and now I don't let it. My bf has even tried to tell me my d8 is afraid to talk to me about hints, like playing a different sport. The thing is I know for a fact that is not true. I have talked with my d8 and said if she doesn't want to play soccer, etc. I'm okay with that. I have a very good relationship with my d8.

My d8 has even come out to tell me, after her & I returned home from being gone 2hrs. That my bf didn't seem happy with me or glad to see me.  Guess right there it is telling me this relationship isn't right!

I hope you find your happiness too!  I know change is hard.  I used to listen to Dr. Laura when I was younger and one thing she said (which I should've listened to) was that when you divorce you should not go looking for love. Focus your time on raising your children. Raising them right is the most important and then if someone comes along okay. But the raising children part is the most important!

[Littleleft]

Sounds like things are very similar for us.  Do you think you've made up your mind to leave and you're just waiting for the right time?

I think I'm at the very top of what I can take of all the blaming, criticism and verbal and emotional abuse now. It's affected my feelings now to be point where I don't think I can go back to feeling the same way about him anymore. Think I might be moving to post on the Leaving board soon, but it's difficult to make that decision after all this time.

Good luck... . , genuinely

Thank you AimingForMastery 

FigureIt - it's great that you have such a good r/s with your daughter. I'm sure that will help you get through this difficult part of your life.

I hope you find your happiness too!  I know change is hard.  I used to listen to Dr. Laura when I was younger and one thing she said (which I should've listened to) was that when you divorce you should not go looking for love. Focus your time on raising your children. Raising them right is the most important and then if someone comes along okay. But the raising children part is the most important!

Thank you!

Hindsight is a great thing eh? At least we are both more aware now. Best of luck!