“You’re crying for no reason” “Snap out of it” type of comments are common

[Shojojo1]

Hello everyone.

I'm a female, 33-year-old, living with an 11-year-old son.
I and my partner have been together on and off for almost 6 years.
I have clinical depression.
My partner has been diagnosed with BPD when he was in his 20’s.
He is 47, lives in Florida, and he has an 11-year-old daughter who lives away.

Things were very intense and difficult throughout our relationship. It got especially bad when we moved in together last February, 2017. When I was baker acted to a mental institution for the second time for acute suicidal care, I decided to leave.

I left with my son back to Japan, my country of origin.
His daughter who lived with us decided for herself to go live with her mother.
Our family fell apart and it was a very painful situation.

However, he committed himself to treatment after I left and has made wonderful progress.
I also educated myself and went to therapy. He has honestly worked hard and I am very proud of him. We are fighting less overall, constant criticism and verbal abuse is gone, breakup threats are very rare, and we can talk about things we could not before.

He visited me in Japan this past Christmas, 2017, and proposed to me.
I said yes! We are engaged.

As I plan my return to Florida to get married, I am facing many difficulties.
I want to improve our relationship and I really need help.

Main problems are:

1. I feel invalidated by him all the time. I can’t get this message to him... .the way I’ve been trying to covey is not working. “You’re crying for no reason” “Snap out of it” type of comments are common when he’s stressed. Invalidation when I express my feelings and concerns are increasing and I feel frustrated, depressed, and sometimes painfully hopeless.

2. Although we’ve made progress, we still argue sometimes and it’s painful. When he’s angry, I feel like it’s all up to me to keep it together. He’s been busy with new work and he hasn’t been able to make therapy the priority. And I can really feel the difference. He needs to move from his current home soon and that’s making him really stressed as well. At times, I feel burdened by his emotional stress. I hadn’t been able to attend therapy myself for financial reasons.

3. My family is really against us getting back together. I need to tell them that I’m engaged and that I plan to move back to the states in June.

He and I love each other very deeply and we love our children.
We want to protect our family and spend our life together happily.
I would really appreciate any advice on improving our communication and on self-care for me.

I also feel very alone at times and I hope I can find empathy and friendship and understanding here.

Thank you for reading my post!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Shojojo1,



Congratulations on your engagement! I'm sorry though that you've been feeling invalidated by your fiance. It sounds like some progress has been made but stress may be causing things to flare up a little?

My H has a hard time validating me sometimes too. He has said that when he sees me stressed out or emotional, even if it has nothing to do with him, that he gets very uncomfortable and doesn't know how to respond. So, like your fiance, he says the same types of things. Have you ever asked him directly for what you want in those moments?

For instance, if you are upset about something at work, just say to him "I'm stressed about work and I would like to share what I'm feeling with you. I'm thankful that you want to help me solve problems, but right now I just need you to listen and comfort me."

What kinds of things are you still arguing about? Is it intense arguing? Is it BPD arguing or typical relationship arguments?

How do you think your family will respond when you tell them you are getting married and moving back to the U.S.?

[Radcliff]

Shojojo1,

Let me join Tattered Heart in welcoming you!  You absolutely have come to the right place for empathy, friendship, and understanding!  I am sorry you are facing relationship challenges, but am glad you are here.  This is a great place to learn coping tools and get support.  I won't add questions to the good ones Tattered Heart has already asked.  I'll wait for you to answer those, and then we can keep talking and learn how we can help you.

WW

[Shojojo1]

Dear Tattered Heart and Wentworth,

Thank you so much for your messages! Your support means a lot to me.
You are absolutely right about stress causing things to flare up.

Tattered Heart, thank you for sharing how your husband expressed his struggles to give you validation at times.
My fiance seems to struggle the same way... .When I become emotional, I think he gets uncomfortable and often dismissive... .then minimizing comments are made.
It takes a very long time for him to get to a state where he is willing to listen to me express my feelings. The amount of time it takes and his reactions until he is ready can be really tough... .
I was finally able to talk to him today about my need to be validated. He really was there to listen and I appreciated that very much.

Also, thank you for your advice on asking what I need more directly in those moments.
I will definitely try that more often, verbalizing articulately of my needs in a loving manner.

The degree of intenseness and frequency of our arguments have declined tremendously compared to the past.
It usually does get intense though if we argue... .However, we have been increasingly successful on some occasions to diffuse the arguments before it gets too intense as well.
If I can be honest, I don't know how to clearly distinguish between BPD arguing or typical relationship arguments... .But I am assuming it's mostly BPD arguing in our case, because almost all arguments begin when he gets upset with me for my "affect."

Recent pattern is:
1. He is constantly stressed right now over his living situation, work demands, and loneliness.

2. Usually while discussing about the move for him, move for me, finances, when I'm going to talk to my family etc., he begins to get snappy and confrontational if he feels that I am not cooperating, taking him seriously, or distancing myself. Often times, he perceives that my affect is off (ex. I took too long to answer, or my voice is not cheerful) and concludes that I am distant.

3. I can be supportive and shrug things off on most occasions, focusing on using  "I" messages and redirecting the conversation to the topic he needed to talk about; however, when I react poorly (ex. get angry or emotional), he will react with very harsh words and accusations, then I react with harsh words and "you" messages, then we end up in a really bad argument.

My family actually requested to talk to him while he was in Japan. He went to have the conversation with my family and it ended up being a 4-hour-long discussion. My family insisted that he should leave me alone... .So knowing that, they will get intensely mad at me, especially my mother, and my brothers will try to talk me out of moving back to the states.

My fiance is affected deeply by the current unstable situation. I actually left the country, my family is against our union, and we live in separate countries as of now. He's working really hard for us to be together but I think he is scared deep in his heart that I may not come back.

[Radcliff]

Shojojo1,

You sound very thoughtful about your interactions with your fiancee.  Your thoughtfulness is a major strength for the two of you as a couple.  One thing to watch out for is that you don't take on too much of the burden for making things work.  He has to do his part, too.

What tools do you use when he is stressed and unable to react in a constructive way?

It sounds like you've got a pretty good knowledge level on BPD.  Have you read any of the popular BPD books?  If so, which ones?

WW