Day 62: no CONTACT, Day 1: NO social media stalking

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Yes it’s been about 2+ months of NC... .but has it REALLY? I would check his social media constantly. Multiple times a day. Yes, he has me blocked, but I was so far in deep that I made another account to check things out. He has everything public anyway.

My sister is still his Facebook friend, so sometimes I would call her and ask her to check out his page, while I check it from my perspective to see if there are any posts she can see, that I cannot see. By doing so, I had the joy of finding out that he took a new supply source out for valentine’s day.

Anyway, up until yesterday, I thought I was going to feel better executing this compulsion, but I almost always felt worse after checking.  I really just want to put him behind me, and just now I’m realizing how obbessive my behavior was. It’s unrealistic to think that I will feel better trying to see where his life is going. I figured I would see him deteriorate without me, and it would help validate everything about his BPD/NPD.

HERE IS THE ISSUE(s) WITH THAT:

1. It’s vengeful- I might as well be him wanting to see revenge.
2. You probably won’t see anything “bad” posted to social media. Who posts bad things on there anyway? What NARCISSISTIC would?
3. It makes you feel worse when you execute this stalking like behavior. Part of you knows it’s becoming a new habit.
4. It keeps him controlling my life. I’m analyzing what his status means, while I could be reading about philosophy, or chatting with friends. In a sense, he still has a grip on me when I allow his posts to affect my mood.
 5. It keeps him fresh in my mind. If I want to authentically move on, looking at his profiles will slow that process down a ton.


The list goes on. I call it being one day into the REAL no contact. I am redefining NC for myself right now. I am SO ready to not have him be inside my mind 24/7, and this is just another step in the right direction. I hope I don’t cave or become too vulnerable and break this. I promised myself at least a week to see if this improves my mood.

[Will2Power]

Yes it’s been about 2+ months of NC... .but has it REALLY? I would check his social media constantly. Multiple times a day. Yes, he has me blocked, but I was so far in deep that I made another account to check things out. He has everything public anyway.

My sister is still his Facebook friend, so sometimes I would call her and ask her to check out his page, while I check it from my perspective to see if there are any posts she can see, that I cannot see. By doing so, I had the joy of finding out that he took a new supply source out for valentine’s day.

Anyway, up until yesterday, I thought I was going to feel better executing this compulsion, but I almost always felt worse after checking.  I really just want to put him behind me, and just now I’m realizing how obbessive my behavior was. It’s unrealistic to think that I will feel better trying to see where his life is going. I figured I would see him deteriorate without me, and it would help validate everything about his BPD/NPD.

HERE IS THE ISSUE(s) WITH THAT:

1. It’s vengeful- I might as well be him wanting to see revenge.
2. You probably won’t see anything “bad” posted to social media. Who posts bad things on there anyway? What NARCISSISTIC would?
3. It makes you feel worse when you execute this stalking like behavior. Part of you knows it’s becoming a new habit.
4. It keeps him controlling my life. I’m analyzing what his status means, while I could be reading about philosophy, or chatting with friends. In a sense, he still has a grip on me when I allow his posts to affect my mood.
 5. It keeps him fresh in my mind. If I want to authentically move on, looking at his profiles will slow that process down a ton.


The list goes on. I call it being one day into the REAL no contact. I am redefining NC for myself right now. I am SO ready to not have him be inside my mind 24/7, and this is just another step in the right direction. I hope I don’t cave or become too vulnerable and break this. I promised myself at least a week to see if this improves my mood.

[NGU]

Hi Will2Power.

This post will likely end up being the highlight of my day. You've thought this out well, and that's definitely going to help.

I figured I would see him deteriorate without me

Who posts bad things on there anyway?

Nailed it.

-ngu

[stixx44]

Willpower,

You made the right decision. It took me awhile to do this, too, but it definitely freed me.

Keep posting how you feel. This board is a great resource and can help you build the strength you need going forward.

Best,
Stixx

[Lucky Jim]

1. It’s vengeful- I might as well be him wanting to see revenge.
2. You probably won’t see anything “bad” posted to social media. Who posts bad things on there anyway? What NARCISSISTIC would?
3. It makes you feel worse when you execute this stalking like behavior. Part of you knows it’s becoming a new habit.
4. It keeps him controlling my life. I’m analyzing what his status means, while I could be reading about philosophy, or chatting with friends. In a sense, he still has a grip on me when I allow his posts to affect my mood.
 5. It keeps him fresh in my mind. If I want to authentically move on, looking at his profiles will slow that process down a ton.

Hey Will2Power, I like your Nietzschean moniker!  This list shows a lot of self-awareness which I view as progress.  You could say that you have been handing your power over to him.  I suggest shifting the focus back to you and your needs.  What are your gut feelings?  What is the right path for you?  Only you know the answer to these questions, yet I think you are on the right track.

LuckyJim

[Cromwell]

I am so pleased that I never once checked her fb going NC.

it was enough that when I reinstalled whattsapp on the same phone, unknown to me it meant she was still there despite I had blocked her. To see her fake smiley face after so long made me feel intense nausea and upset my whole day.

I highly recommend discarding any evidence of this person's existence as far away from your day to day life as humanly possible. At least until you have got yourself to a far stronger place. I know that I still have work to do on myself because I am too afraid to look at her FB and not indifferent enough to deal with what I might see. Despite not being curious or interested in it, just seeing her face would be enough to trigger an emotional reaction even if it would be reigniting the physical attraction, this is just as bad.

Please do your best to refrain from it, you have to condition yourself to break old habits and its hard at first but eventually you wont feel the compulsion as time goes on.

[JustNeedToTalk]

I'm trying to build up the courage to do this... .I'm NC but still a stalker.  God knows what I expect to find.  Keep posting how you are doing.  Maybe you'll give me the strength to do the same.

[Will2Power]

I'm trying to build up the courage to do this... .I'm NC but still a stalker.  God knows what I expect to find.  Keep posting how you are doing.  Maybe you'll give me the strength to do the same.

JustNeedToTalk,

I loved hearing that I might be able to encourage some strength in you. Here is another thought I had today: even if we stalk, and see something HORRIBLE (or something good), it does not change what happened to us. NOTHING will change what happened to us.

Here is a very very bizarre example, but I hope it can help demonstrate some of the thought processes that led me to my strength:

 I hate to admit that I used to fantasize about him somehow being incapable of performing sexually. (He really destroyed me sexually so that might be why I feel so much anger on this. Also, I don’t want him destroying someone else the way he did to me.) ANYWAY, let’s say there was a Facebook status that he posted about how he was miraculously castrated... .I know this is a bizarre example but bare with me haha... .okay, he can’t ruin any other women sexually now... .I see it on social media... .So, what does this REALLY do for me? He still ruined me. I realize this would never actually happen, but I encourage you to fantasize about what you are hoping to see there, and then reflect on what it would DO for you. It helps. Can be the most bizarre thing in the world- it doesn’t matter. Whatever helps. You aren’t hurting anybody with your imagination- I promise.

So, for you; whatever you are hoping to see or find out... .think deeply about what it will do for you. I think we hope to get validation sometimes through this ritual of social media stalking. Like somehow, we will see something on there that PROVES it wasn’t us. I’m not sure if that resonates with you or not. I would encourage this exercise for you: think deeply about what the stalking provides you. Really take the time to reflect on this, and revisit it again after you’ve come up with a few answers/insights. Then, fantasize about what you wish you could see on that Facebook wall. Is it that his/her life is in shambles? Is it that they are struggling with a new partner? Is something as malicious as wishing they were castrated? Is it that they got evicted? Etc... .Is it perhaps you two together again, happy? (Here’s the thing about that last one: that wish would be wishing for a completely different partner.) Food for thought  

I think you can do it. I’m 48 hours into it and the compulsions come, but it’s enpowering to remind myself that I am living MY life. That person won’t change- they are pathologically destined to be unhappy, and emotionally predatorial. It’s not your fault.

So I think the first step is thinking. Thinking about what you are hoping to expect can bring you closer to realizing that it just doesn’t make sense for us to do this. (No judgement at ALL when I say that. I know the struggle obviously!) I just mean that when you start the processing of brainstorming WHY, you’ll draw yourself out of that cognitive dissonance that keeps you coming back to their page. Stay strong, keep working on it. I believe that if you survived the abuse, you survive the recovery. ALSO, I am living proof that it DOES get easier and better. I had ZERO hope, and I can’t believe how much progress I’ve made. Small steps are fine- every little bit of progress matters.

[Will2Power]

Hey Will2Power, I like your Nietzschean moniker!  This list shows a lot of self-awareness which I view as progress.  You could say that you have been handing your power over to him.  I suggest shifting the focus back to you and your needs.  What are your gut feelings?  What is the right path for you?  Only you know the answer to these questions, yet I think you are on the right track.

LuckyJim

THANK YOU FOR NOTICING THE NIETZSCHE! I also deeply appreciate the praise/regconition regarding progress through self awareness. That touched me deeply. Today, I focused on MY needs. It feels great.

[JustNeedToTalk]

Hi Will2Power, thanks so much for the lengthy and thoughtful response.  What you say doesn’t sound crazy.  I don’t think I want to see anything.  His page is even private, he blocked me but has now unblocked me, and I’m still blocked on other things so I have no idea why he has chosen to only unblock me on facebook.  The day he unblocked me he commented on a mutual friends post right under me, that’s how I discovered I was unblocked and my heart just sank, so I know if I discovered anything it would just set me back.

I think I looking keeps me in some way attached to him and I need to let go.  I’ve distanced myself from mutual friends just these past couple of weeks so as to avoid hearing anything about him.  I haven’t told them this, I’m just keeping myself busy doing things with other friends.

Thing is I don’t wish him hardship, I’m not sure what I wish.  I wish him gone from my mind.  I truly wish I had never met him.  I’ve been told to either detach with hate (I wish I did I’ve talked to my therapist about this as he done some unforgivable terrible things to me, many of the things we have all suffered) or love, and I don’t hate him and can you really detach with love.

I know you are right.  Just have the willpower not to look.

He’s tried to reach out to me a few times, in many ways, through friends etc, attacking emails, then nice emails.  I just wished him well and he replied and I never responded.  That was 2 weeks ago.

My therapist believes I will hear from him again and I’m scared of his advances, if this was to be the case.  I know I can’t go back to him, but for some reason I can’t let go.  He fuels my depression and anxiety even in my thoughts.

I wish I had your will power, I am trying, and I look less and less.  To be honest there is nothing to see so I don’t know why I bother.

I am really inspired by you.  I hope I get to your stage.  As you are correct, nothing will validate what they did to us.

[MyBPD_friend]

This is somewhat a lot about social media.

My BPD female 'friend' (we're not really friends - friendship means soemthing very different for me) has a FB site and also others. Fortunately, we've never invited eachother and I deleted all my social media accounts, not just because of her. Now with FB in the news about abusing private data shwos me how right I was.

The good thing is, I don't get weak to search for her, her pictures and whatever because I don't have access to her pages, which is great.

[Lucky Jim]

Today, I focused on MY needs. It feels great.

You're taking your power back, which I think Nietzsche would appreciate.

I have a saying: "Put your energy where your power is."  Usually this means oneself.

LJ

[once removed]

2. You probably won’t see anything “bad” posted to social media. Who posts bad things on there anyway? What NARCISSISTIC would?

a lot of people. my facebook feed is full of them, and its a well known medium for venting, validation, airing dirty laundry, etc.

its a small point and i dont mean to harp on it, but drama is all around us and social media isnt an exception.

the bigger point i think youre speaking to is detaching and letting go of the outcome. if we build our recovery on a foundation of our exes failing, it is shaky territory. what if they do? what if they dont? i would have been waiting for it for four years with very little to go on. none of it had any more bearing on me than an ex from high school failing or succeeding.

[JustNeedToTalk]

Hi Will2Power, how are you getting on with the complete NC?  Is it helping?

JNTT x

[MyBPD_friend]

Yesterday I received my new cell phone number with a new contract. I had my old provider to cancel my old number, that's been successful, my number does not exist anymore. My old contract was cancelled anyway but in service until early July, not I ended it faster. My new contract is also much better and not more expensive.
I'l glad I had the strenght to do this.

My BPD friend is now unable to contact me again.

I hope that will make me free and feel better.