being sucked into a black hole

[Parents! Get help here!]

I have really appreciated all the support from many of you going through this nightmare of an illness. A week ago I texted my dd25 and tried to be empathetic but got no response.  I must remind myself that no matter what I say or do, it is not going to make her better especially as she completely denies having this illness.  My psychiatrist has told me that psychiatrists do not want to deal with BPD  patients because the professional constantly gets yelled at and the patient will never take whatever advice is provided.  What he has said to me is that a loved one with BPD is like a bottomless pit when it comes to their need for attention and they will suck you (the nonBPD family member) dry.  This is Easter and although I am not religious, I can remember back to happier times when I was married and my parents were alive and we had Easter egg hunts and now I just want the day to be over.

But I will text her again this week; have no idea what to say but will try nonetheless.  It is like one of you said; she can't accuse me of completely abandoning her if I continue to text her, and no matter what I say or do, she will still feel horrible about herself and wish that she had never been born which has been said repetitively over the years. I can't tell you the number of times that she wished that she would just not wake up in the morning.  It is gut-wrenching to see someone you love in such pain.

[jeb]

I have really appreciated all the support from many of you going through this nightmare of an illness. A week ago I texted my dd25 and tried to be empathetic but got no response.  I must remind myself that no matter what I say or do, it is not going to make her better especially as she completely denies having this illness.  My psychiatrist has told me that psychiatrists do not want to deal with BPD  patients because the professional constantly gets yelled at and the patient will never take whatever advice is provided.  What he has said to me is that a loved one with BPD is like a bottomless pit when it comes to their need for attention and they will suck you (the nonBPD family member) dry.  This is Easter and although I am not religious, I can remember back to happier times when I was married and my parents were alive and we had Easter egg hunts and now I just want the day to be over.

But I will text her again this week; have no idea what to say but will try nonetheless.  It is like one of you said; she can't accuse me of completely abandoning her if I continue to text her, and no matter what I say or do, she will still feel horrible about herself and wish that she had never been born which has been said repetitively over the years. I can't tell you the number of times that she wished that she would just not wake up in the morning.  It is gut-wrenching to see someone you love in such pain.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[chooselove]

It is gut-wrenching and sadly, I've noticed lately that I've been feeling less and less.  I worry about going numb and losing touch with just how deeply I love my uBPD daughter and grieve over what may have been but likely never will, in this lifetime.  After so many years of hopelessness and her constant reminders of how much she hates and mistrusts me, I feel my detachment growing stronger.  I also miss my parents and the normal fun holidays we enjoyed.  My siblings and I fought and played like normal kids, our parents marriage was not perfect, but we all grew up with a great deal of respect and love for each other. 

At least we have those memories.  I'm so grateful for the family of my childhood. 

[Reality]

Jeb:

Some sychiatrists and social workers in Canada do not have a compassionate understanding of BPD, in my humble opinion.  There needs to be an initiative to educate the public and professionals about BPD, at least in my corner of Canada. 

Many pwBPD do recover.  There are many stories of recovery even on this board.  Judgment is not helpful with someone suffering with this disorder.  PwBPD are highly sensitive and they pick up on emotional vibes instantly.  Often they are highly intelligent and more simplistic approaches from others are frustrating, often because the pwBPD thinks in a more complex nuanced way.  Nonetheless, they have areas of weakness and they need some support and attachment. 

Not to say that it isn't extraordinarily difficult for the families.  It is a terrible affliction, for sure.  You sound as if you are able to make a good life for yourself.  I wonder what strategies would be helpful for these more stressful times.  Maybe others will suggest ideas. 

Holidays are difficult.  So many of my friends without a pwBPD in their lives long  for the days of their childhood.  It seems that the whole culture is quite askew. 

We lost our son to too-late diagnosed BPD.  I am telling you, just so you know my background.  Otherwise, it is a bit awkward.

Hope others post with ideas.

Reality

[jeb]

Thanks for input.  To the first reply (daughter with uDPD), I am wondering if I would prefer the feelings of detachment because I spend most of my days at this time feeling nauseated and taking Gravol (Dramamine) so my stomach is not so upset.  I even journalled that I was grieving the figurative 'death' of my dd and expect this year to be spending Mother's Day with my son and his girlfriend (because of no contact with dd on her  part).  To the second reply, I am so truly sorry about the real loss of your son.  My psychiatrist has been seeing me for years and he uses a holistic approach (probably because he did his training in the UK and he is from India originally and he has already diagnosed me with some BPD traits (he maintains that BPD is a spectrum).  I started seeing him about 6 years ago and he has offered me some helpful insights and although I am sure that there are insensitive psychiatrists out there, I think, whenever I tell him about the latest negative comment or lecture from my dd, he responds as I said by saying you can never be good enough or do enough for them.  BTW does anyone else get the endless lectures (and you dare not interrupt) about much you ruined their lives?

[qcarolr]

jeb - hang in there. Change is always possible, for ourselves and then in our relationship with our troubled children. There have been so many times in my deep distress and depression that I could not believe this. Yet, my life is so much better overall. I have healing.

This is a huge grieving process for the many losses we experience with our child. So many losses. Reality is experiencing the greater loss, loss of life. We are fortunate yet it is still so very very hard and painful to be parents in our situations.

What has helped me to have a more consistent pattern of better days than awful days? I am not sure of my words to express this, and have a tendency to get into 'teacher/lecturer' mode. My comments come from my heart and from my own experience with my BPDDD27. I also suffer with bipolarII disorder, and have some BPD traits as well. I have been working in counseling and with meds. since 1989, when my DD was age 3 and out of control. DD is just in the past 2 months becoming open to resources that are helping her - through the county jail program for work release. She has failed at probation on minor charges for several years. She refuses any kind of mental health therapy that is called "therapy".

The tools at the right is my guide. They were not so neatly listed when I first came to this forum in 2009, after DD received her BPD dx at age 23. I still go back and work through them often when feeling overwhelmed. There are other resources I tap into now as well, but this is a good place to start.

Here is my "formula":

Self-care (you are doing this in many ways, though your pdoc gives too much hopelessness - it is not hopeless!) What gives you even a moment of joy? Search this out daily.

Build support network that can validate and understand with compassion your experiences with your DD.

Read and practice the TOOLS with everyone in your life, and then the courage and strength to practice them consistently with your DD will come.

Figure out the self-protective boundaries you need based on your values. Gently and firmly apply them - actions work better than words here. Just do what you need to do, be prepared for resistance from DD for the changes in your patterns of response.

Detachment with love -- that was where I started. Sometimes it is still needed. And I am starting to live in a less resentful place with it. Love my DD always, without any conditions. She is who she is and will do what she does -- I can choose to live as I live and do what I want. When our paths cross it can be better.

Hope this makes some sense for you. Keep coming back - vent, ask questions, share your story. We care.

qcr

[qcarolr]

One additional comment. For professionals in my life, I always ask if they have supervision and support as a part of their practice. They need this support to be able to keep their own emotional balance and 'safety' working with a client with BPD as well as family of person with BPD. I am so grateful to have found this with my gd8's T (individual child/family/and with me individually as well as needed) and with my personal T.

qcr

[qcarolr]

OK - I am full of words today. Too much information at times.

The black-hole analogy. Current science has mapped that there is an "event horizon" around a black hole. Where the gravitational pull is so strong that not even light can escape. Let's say there is a giant cloud of gas and particles that hits that event horizon. Science speculates that only a fraction of the matter is sucked into the hole - say 10%. This means 90% bounces off and is ejected back into space to provided the seeds for new stars and galaxies. So in some ways black-holes are the nurseries for our ever expanding universe. [There is a great article in a recent National Geographic magazine about this area of science - tracking such a cloud in our own milky way's black-hole at the center.]

Yes, I do lose something of myself in my relationships - esp. with my BPDDD - with every encounter. And I am still here and growing stronger. I also see that as I improve myself, and learn healthier ways to relate to DD that some of my 'matter' seems to interact with her 'matter' and she is also doing better.

I am honest with myself more these days. She will certainly cycle down again. And she will have this successful period to be reminded of to help her rebound more quickly next time. I pray that your DD has someone in her life to help remind her of this, and with time a learning, and effort maybe you can become a bit of this for her in the future.

qcr

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, jeb 

Reality and qcarolr are very right with their insights, and I hope you have the chance to ponder them and also to check out the links they have mentioned: Good News, Breakthroughs & TLCs (the Success Stories that Reality talked about); and THE LESSONS and the TOOLS link to the right-hand side of this page, mentioned by qcarolr. Under the TOOLS heading there are 7 very important links for you to click on, to learn how to make things better with your daughter:



1. Listen with Empathy

2. Validate the Valid

3. Don't React, Respond with S.E.T.

4. Be Self-aware and of WiseMInd

5. Communicate Boundaries & Limits

6. Adopt a Problem Solving Model

7. Know Good vs Bad Triangulation



Another link that has helped me greatly with making things better with the BPD loved ones in my life is Radical Acceptance for family members. I urge you to check out the links I've provided, and if you haven't already done so, to check out every single link to the right-hand side of this page. The reason is this: My younger (non-BPD son) is married to a beautiful woman who I believe is undiagnosed BPD. My relationship with her sounds very much like yours and chooselove's, with your daughters.

In the past I've gone through every single one of the emotions and heartbreak that you women are going through now... . As the mother of two sons (my older, diagnosed BPD son, is the reason I found this site a year ago), I was horrified by the relationship I was having with my D-I-L, thinking it was terrible only because I didn't know how to deal with a daughter, and that this was going to be terrible for my whole life from now on. My story about that relationship can be found on this Workshop: How do we become more empathetic to the pwBPD in our life?

After learning the communications tools and techniques in the first links I gave above, and perfecting them with my BPD son (who lives at home), I was still struggling with my relationship with my D-I-L. Once I participated in the Empathy Workshop I linked to above, I turned around my whole way of dealing with my D-I-L, too, and things are still better between us, many months later. In fact, a good example of the changes I made in myself regarding her happened just last week... .

There is a family issue happening with my Husband's family, where my D-I-L has very strong opinions as to how it should be handled (this is always the core of any problems she and I ever have; some family issue comes up and she pretty much demands that I handle it a certain way). When I received her email regarding this issue, the tone of her voice in the email, and my imagining of her wagging her finger at me to handle it in the way she was instructing me to, really pushed all of my "oldest child" buttons. I don't ever react very well to people "bossing" me around, especially when that person is not a peer or "superior".

The first thing I was inclined to do is email her back, telling her why she was being disrespectful in ordering me to obey her wishes, and to be angry with the email from her. But, I've learned that this would not be productive    Instead, I left my laptop, went and worked out on the treadmill instead to cool down, and realized that this was the exact thing that has caused all of our problems in the past. I centered myself (used WiseMind instead) and then sent a reply that basically said: "I appreciate your thoughts... . You may vent to me about this issue--I can understand your frustrations--but you need to remember that my Husband's family doesn't respect my opinions like my own family does, so I can only do my best... . Love, me"

And that was that; no blow-ups, no hurt feelings (I needed the treadmill to work out my own hurt feelings as I reminded myself that this was just the way she is and that she probably had no idea that she had pushed my buttons). And instead of a big ordeal (a year ago this would've caused my angry reaction to her email, her rages back that I don't respect her "professional opinions"--she has a MSW with a specialty in Early Childhood Development and somehow this entitles her to always tell me how to handle pretty much every situation that comes up that she wants to control   ), the situation passed quickly and smoothly. And the added benefit? She and my non-son showed up to surprise us at Easter, with their toddler, my first and only grandchild 

I promise you that my relationship with her has mirrored your own with your daughter, and the only thing that has caused peace in our family and in my life and heart, is learning everything I've linked to in this reply. No more silent treatments, No Contacts, angry rages and verbal attacks, etc. Please read that Workshop I linked to--it explains it better. I really hope this helps