Why do pwBPD stop communicating, just to start again at some point?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

This question goes out to all of you, including those who suffer BPD.

Communication with a BPD seems extremely difficult, unstable and sometimes unpredictable.

I would like to know why people with BPD can't communicate well, at elast many of them. I've read so much about BPD, but can't still figure out where the problem is.
Why do they stop communication, just to start again at some point?

Communication ansl involves silent treatment and even no contect from the BPD, even if dialogue and communication might be desigered by the BPD.

Please some good anwers.

[MyBPD_friend]

This question goes out to all of you, including those who suffer BPD.

Communication with a BPD seems extremely difficult, unstable and sometimes unpredictable.

I would like to know why people with BPD can't communicate well, at elast many of them. I've read so much about BPD, but can't still figure out where the problem is.
Why do they stop communication, just to start again at some point?

Communication ansl involves silent treatment and even no contect from the BPD, even if dialogue and communication might be desigered by the BPD.

Please some good anwers.

[PeteWitsend]

I think there are a few factors that influence communication issues.

I suppose in terms of communication issues, the most immediate cause is their inability to regular their moods, and manage their emotions and feelings.

in my own case, I've noticed my uBPDw will often read into things I'm saying and suddenly react hostilely to something I said, without giving me a chance to explain.  for example, I may be reminded of a joke a friend told me, or a humorous situation I had with friends or family.  I tell my wife, and I get accused of something, like "Oh, so you spend your time with me thinking about other people." or "I wonder what it would be like to have a husband who actually enjoyed my company instead of thinking about other people."

So there's a couple things going on there: at root is her fears of abandonment, then jealousy I had other relationships with people in my life (any people... .friends, family, coworkers, fellow students, etc.).  

Beyond the root fears and emotions, there is her inability to control these thoughts or regulate them as a "normal" person might.

It's like a well with toxic water (the fear, jealousy, etc.) and a pump that doesn't work right (inability to control emotions) that leads to the bile erupting at unexpected times, or not flowing at all (silent treatment).

my 0.02.

[Speck]

Hello, MyBPD_friend:

I'll second what PeteWitsend says very descriptively below:

It's like a well with toxic water (the fear, jealousy, etc.) and a pump that doesn't work right (inability to control emotions) that leads to the bile erupting at unexpected times, or not flowing at all (silent treatment).

In my understanding of the disorder, pwBPD have a very tough time even knowing how they feel from one hour to the next because they may reverse themselves on an issue multiple times a day. This is due in part to chronic emotional dysregulation. I imagine that it would be difficult, indeed, for pwBPD to not really know where they stand on a given issue, and this is doubly so for the Nons who love them.

Silence and NC can also be used as weapons.


-Speck

[waverider]

pwBPD struggle to work things through to a resolution as that usually exposes them to admission of a degree of responsibility. So they tend to shut it down and turn it off. Maybe go off on a tangent of distraction.Then they may bring it back out again at some later time, at the same intensity level, as it was never really resolved.

I often say to my wife if I told you to do ABC an all your problems will go away you would do every letter in the alphabet except ABC, then still complain nothing helps.

Impulsive reaction also completely destroys any structure required for efficient cognitive functioning

[mama-wolf]

in my own case, I've noticed my uBPDw will often read into things I'm saying and suddenly react hostilely to something I said, without giving me a chance to explain.

PeteWitsend, this is exactly my experience with my uBPDw.  It doesn't matter what we talk about... .at some point in the conversation, she finds something to take personally or to interpret in the worst possible context.  This then gets turned into me being critical or judgmental of her (major projection), and things tend to devolve from there.  Fortunately, I'm learning to end the discussion when she tries to take it in that direction, but it's exhausting that it happens so often.  It keeps us from actually being able to connect on any kind of emotional level.

pwBPD struggle to work things through to a resolution as that usually exposes them to admission of a degree of responsibility. So they tend to shut it down and turn it off. Maybe go off on a tangent of distraction.Then they may bring it back out again at some later time, at the same intensity level, as it was never really resolved.

I often say to my wife if I told you to do ABC an all your problems will go away you would do every letter in the alphabet except ABC, then still complain nothing helps.

Impulsive reaction also completely destroys any structure required for efficient cognitive functioning

And this!  All of this from waverider.   Along with the accusations of criticism and judging comes a lack of willingness to take responsibility.  Under the guise of "sharing" responsibility for any given issue, the conversation is almost entirely focused on what my contribution was and the expectation of an acceptable apology from me.  God help me if I have tried to suggest any solutions to avoid a situation or to resolve it after the fact... .I learned after long, hard experience that this is not welcome.  And I am left dealing with her emotional fallout over "nothing working."

I don't have much to add here regarding reasons... .just pitching in my confirmation that these details fit my experience exactly.

mw

[Red5]

... .my .02 cents here;

It is my understanding that a pw/BPD cannot effectively process many of their innermost feelings and or thoughts and or emotions, many times I have encountered anger from my u/BPDw and I never saw it coming just from a simple conversation, comment or remark, much like a computer that has some kind of software glitch, and won’t up-load any updates, it gets stuck in a constant “re-boot” cycle, never being able to finish the software up-load and return to a “normal “ operating profile, this is what may happen with a pw/BPD, they cannot finish a thought process effectively, or process emotions (anger) properly or effectively, and there are other factors, ie’ paranoia, fear of abandonment, etc’.

For example;

This weekend we (myself and u/BPDw) have been removing pretty good sized scrub oaks (trees) from our property, so a lot of fire wood & limb debris was produced in the processing of these couple of trees, as we do have a wood burning fireplace, I wanted to keep as much as we can for future use.

My u/BPDw thinks I am a hoarder, so maybe I am , when we first started this latest round of chainsaw operations, and I have to say right here and now, myself and u/BPDw cannot even change a light bulb without it turning into a fight… yeah really!… call it what you will, “controlling behavior” or whatever, she (u/BPDw) is a total pain in the arse when it comes to doing anything together, so we took down parts of three trees last weekend, and this weekend I (we) did the rest of it…

So I was walking around the back yard, and noted the wood pile, on rails, covered, and neatly stacked… and I went into the house to ask her, rather a simple comment to her, “it’s almost spring now, do you reckon we’ll use up the rest of that cured wood presently on the rails”… AND just like that (KABOOM)…and she starts yelling at me, “YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME DO YOU”… “we don’t have room for all that wood, and we still have times X many trees to take down WHERE are YOU going to put it all”, she went on and on… and I was once again like wow Red5, ya’ walked right into that one didn’t you …

So let’s break this down, bullet sentences here;

1.) What was it about, the logs/fire wood storage there of?… no, not at all, she is presently upset about something else, that she is unable to process, which is FOO related (real time) presently ongoing-triggers (possible childhood drama/trauma).

2.) AM I capable of processing all this timber?, yes… Why is she upset about it?, see above note #1.

3.) Why is this such a hard thing for her to process, the fire wood/logs, or her FOO issues presently ongoing?… answers is the above statement, pw/BPD cannot effectively process many of their innermost feelings and or thoughts and or emotions,.

4.) So we have what we had there this weekend, Red5 walked into the house and asked u/BPDw if she “thought” that we may burn the last half a cord of split and cured firewood over the next few weeks, and the response was completely dysregulated, off topic, off base, and had nothing to do with the original question I had asked her.

There you have it BPD one zero one… at ANY given time, the person you may think you are talking to is indeed somebody else completely, their mind is someplace else, trying to process, and they are angry that they cannot process, so the next poor sod (Red5) that comes across the scraped/scratched and smeared radar screen gets it (KABOOM).

Then what do you do, fight back (JADE)… no, not advisable.

SO... .what to do, …

You read, you study, you learn all you can, and then you may soon realize, that there may be no way possible that you can have a normal relationship with your sig-other pw/BPD… ain’t going to happen, so you develop strategies to cope, side-step, and deescalate the arguments/quarrels.

And good luck to everyone in this enterprise.

It could be anything that sets it off (BPD behaviors).

The trick is to identify, and understand how it works for the pw/BPD, then you may have a chance of some normality now and then.

Every relationship is different, as this is another form of a spectrum disorder.

BLUF, I believe its a processing issue, emotional, thought, social/romantic interactional glitch caused by some kind of early childhood trauma, so what you may have is an emotionally, behaviorally arrested person, literally stuck in the thought/emotional "re-boot" process.

Red5

[MyBPD_friend]

Red5,

Thank you for the explanation and the example.

I've studied BPD since June last year. My BPD female friend (not romantic rs) seems not to be able to communicate in a 'normal' way, if at all.

We like each other, but I've had many times when I wanted to walk away for good, she knows that. When we talk on the phone (she is 3 hours away), she will not talk about anything personal, regarding her BPD problems and I told her a few times aleready that I won't ask any of those questions.

However, good and effective communication is the key to any relationship - I believe.

My question to you and others here is:

How do you cope with your partner for so long, how do you manage not to go crazy yourself? How do you handle this behaviour of your partner?
Why don't you walk away?

I would have many more questions... .

[waverider]

Why don't you walk away?

I think the blunt truth to this is that it doesn't become apparent until you are well and truly enmeshed and there are a lot of factors to consider. I doubt anyone here would willing walk into a BPD relationship upfront knowing what they now know about BPD.

It is very hard to structure your own forward path when you are surrounded by inconsistency. The only consistent thing about BPD is the inconsistency. The endless good cop/bad cop makes it very hard get a grip on our own lives, so we resort to patching up day by day survival, and grabbing the candy from the good cop when they are on offer. But this is living in the now with no progression for the future

Those that do regain a real sense of self, and progress, do so by learning to thrive and not just survive. This means a degree of "unmeshing" and removing our own dependency on our partners "cooperation". Which generally goes against all the norms of partner bonding.

You won't get rid of the dysfunction but you can lessen, or quarantine, the toxic aspects of it

[MyBPD_friend]

I think the blunt truth to this is that it doesn't become apparent until you are well and truly enmeshed and there are a lot of factors to consider. I doubt anyone here would willing walk into a BPD relationship upfront knowing what they now know about BPD.

It is very hard to structure your own forward path when you are surrounded by inconsistency. The only consistent thing about BPD is the inconsistency. The endless good cop/bad cop makes it very hard get a grip on our own lives, so we resort to patching up day by day survival, and grabbing the candy from the good cop when they are on offer. But this is living in the now with no progression for the future

Those that do regain a real sense of self, and progress, do so by learning to thrive and not just survive. This means a degree of "unmeshing" and removing our own dependency on our partners "cooperation". Which generally goes against all the norms of partner bonding.

You won't get rid of the dysfunction but you can lessen, or quarantine, the toxic aspects of it

Waverider, yes I got that. I do understand, that it must be very difficult to be in such BPD relationship, especially when married and if children are around as well.

Well, my 'friend' is a pretty bad BPD and I feel very sorry for her - but can't help her. I'm very fortunate to be in a healthy marriage with a healthy and very intelligent loving woman.
If I had met a woman like my friend prior to meeting and living with my wife and having our sons, I would haven fallen... .for her.
I'm very sure she would have 'killed' me as I was not as stable as I'm today, many years later.

There are many things very special about a BPD woman, things I can enjoy very much, having fun together and so on, on the other hand BPD behaviour can be
destroying any relationship, leaving the 'healthy' person with a mess.

I have much respect for every person/partner of a BPD person on this forum when they try everything to stay with their loved one, try to understand BPD and adjust their own behaviour as much as they can.

When I met my female BPD friend in April last year, I knew after a few hours that she had some concerning and major issues, there were red flags every few minutes. At this time I didn't know anything about BPD. I learned in the following months until today, and still learn, also about myself and my child traumas. This forum is a great place to be!

Right now, I'm trying to be a reliable, listening and understanding friend, that's all I can do. I try not to take things she does personally. But sometimes that is tough to do. The worst part is unstable, silent, unreliable and inconsistent communication.

[formflier]

Well, my 'friend' is a pretty bad BPD and I feel very sorry for her - but can't help her. 

Right now, I'm trying to be a reliable, listening and understanding friend, that's all I can do. I try not to take things she does personally. But sometimes that is tough to do. The worst part is unstable, silent, unreliable and inconsistent communication.

Hey... .look at  what I bolded.  Please don't believe that. 

You can help her.  What you are doing is helping. 

The more "stable" people that are around her... .and "don't react" to the rabbit trails that she takes off on... .the better.

It will help her get to "baseline" quicker.

If lots of people start freaking out... when she freaks out... .(which she will do)... .it will add to and prolong her "episode".

That's really about the limit of what you can do.

As far as it being frustrating for you to "deal with" the erratic communication.  I agree... it's frustrating as all get out. 

Goes with the territory.

FF