Good day, everyone. It's been a few years since I posted, but I've checked in at times over the years when issues have come up that I needed to research. I'm now asking for some perspective.
Recap: Divorced my ex-wife with quiet BPD traits in 2020. We have a daughter who is now almost 11. 50/50 custody, following a schedule that splits the week down the middle.
Current problem: Over time, I have realized that my ex uses our daughter as a prop to gain positive attention and perhaps to secure attachment to the ex's SO du jour. For example, whatever hobby or interest the SO has, D11 is expected to participate/show interest. When SO was into animals.... D11 wanted to be a big cat rescue habitat employee. When SO was LGBTQIA2+.... D11 was nonbinary. Current SO is into pagan practices... D11 comes home wearing crystals.
Currently D11 is back to not knowing what she wants to do when she grows up. When she is with me, she identifies as female but nonbinary when she's with her mom.
I worry that D11's own developing sense of self is at risk.....and I don't know how to protect her. Nothing has happened that I can bring to court to push for majority or sole custody.
I have worked towards establishing a therapeutic relationship between D11 and a local counselor. Right now she checks in every couple of months; therapist tells me that she is as well adjusted as any of her other clients. Therapist understands the concerns about BPD (she's my therapist too...) and the rest of D11's medical team is on board. So I at least have that in my corner. D11 and I have a strong relationship as well.
My library includes Understanding the Borderline Mother; Surviving a Borderline Parent; Walking on Eggshells; Search for the Real Self; Borderline, Narcissistic and Schizoid Adaptations*; Raising Resilient Children with a Borderline or Narcissistic Parent; and a few others, but I haven't found any answers that deal with this particular scenario.
1) Do I keep on with the status quo, hoping that the coming teenage years will help solidify D11's sense of self?
2) If not, aside from therapy visits and giving D11 space to be her own person when she is with me....what else can I do? What have you done that worked for you and your children?
Thank you for your time.
-Justdrive
*By the way, this was the best book I found when I was trying to research BPD post divorce. I got a lot out of it as a layperson. 5 of 5 stars, would recommend.