stay on the path

[united for now]

Stay on the Path  

Life is a journey. Sometimes we have a specific destination in mind - sometimes we are just enjoying the passing scenery. When we are trying to get somewhere, it’s important to maintain our focus on what our objectives are. This can become difficult if the person traveling with us has Borderline Personality Disorder.  :)ue to their extreme defense mechanisms and twisted thought processes, they tend to wander off the path quite frequently.  Their internal struggles create confusion inside them, and in an instant they veer off the path into dangerous and hurtful territory. Due to our compassion and love for them (a core feature of our nature), we feel compelled to chase after them in an effort to guide them back to the path. Through this chase, we wind up changing our purpose from moving forward in a healthy fashion, to becoming lost and stuck in defending and justifying ourselves instead. Sadly, this tends to ensure that we both wind up lost in the wilderness, sometimes never finding our way back to the path we started from. Allowing them to lure us off our chosen path leads to anxiety, abuse, and dysfunction, and rarely solves the issues we are facing.

Breaking this pattern isn’t easy, yet it is the first step in developing a healthier relationship.  Taking care of ourselves requires what feels like a selfish focus. Our loved ones aren’t mentally fit to be leading us around. As the mentally healthy ones, it’s important  that we remember our goals.  Prior experience has shown us that our efforts to bring them back to the path are rarely successful anyways, and often end up making things worse.

When the pwBPD wanders off the path - here is how to change the pattern - don’t chase after them. Stop for a moment and take a deep breath. Shut out the noise they are making to lure you further away from the path. Close your eyes and try to bring up your destination and goals. Once you’ve stopped your racing thoughts you are blocking the pressure they are putting on you, so you can evaluate things more clearly. Then ask yourself if following them into the wilderness has any chance of success. Evaluate if what they are saying is logical or if it has any bearing on your current journey. Is it a distraction and delay tactic? Does it need to be handled right now or can the issue wait to be resolved later? It’s not easy to block out their distraction and pleas for your attention, yet it is only with that critical pause that you can really notice how you are moving in the wrong direction, away from your goals.

When they don’t get the expected response from you, they will realize that they are traveling by themselves, which will initially confuse them, since up till now we’ve always joined them.  To maintain their own equilibrium and to feel like they are still in control, often they will call out to you from the wilderness, trying to lure you into joining them. If you don’t respond to their baiting you, they will change tactics and use anger as a way to scare you into joining them in the wilderness. Faced with your apparent determination to stay on the path, you will then see how evil and mean they can become as they promise to sabotage your goals and your determination in whatever fashion they can; threats, violence, destruction, intimidation, name calling, belittling, promises of withholding necessary things, retaliation, or any other painful thing they can think of to get you to join them in the wilderness. This is what we call the classic extinction burst. Things get worse before they get better.

At this point, each of you have different  objectives. Their goal is to sidetrack you into joining them in dysregulation. Yours needs to be to stay focused on what your goals are, no matter how tempted you are to join them.

Remember - the first time you do this, your loved one probably won’t join you, no matter how long you wait or how patient you are. They will be determined to stay in the wilderness and wander, just to hurt and punish you. That is OK, as long as you expect it and are prepared for it.  Try to keep in mind while they won’t like being alone, that it is a necessary thing for them to experience. It is what will bring on the opportunity for change.

We each have a journey here. We can no longer allow them to lead us astray. In time, if we stay committed to our goals, their journeys into the wilderness will be shorter and less frequent, as they adjust to the fact that we are staying on the path. We won’t be subjecting ourselves to as much pain, since we won’t be lost in the wilderness either. All of this is possible, “if” we make the commitment to stay true to our goals. If we understand that stepping off the path is unhealthy and makes things worse, not better.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Wanda]

Thanks UNF

I like this way of thinking... My husband was in the wilderness for a very long time took years for him to walk with me on the path... and there are times he wants to go back in the wilderness, but doesn't take long before he just stays right on the path with me... due to me staying strong and doing things for me... and taking care of me, the times he wants to go to the wilderness is when i am not taking care of me... .   x

[eeyore]

thanks from me too.  I don't have quite as much experience as you two... .but can see your point.  Wanda thanks for the reinforcement with your personal experiencce.

[united for now]

Oh, I spent plenty of time wandering around lost in the wilderness, trust me on that one 

Change comes slowly, but the more you get of it, the better you will feel.

[Jaybird]

Thanks UFN.  Very timely.  My DH has been dysregulated off and on for about a week.  It is escalating and I'm wearing out.  Perhaps it is extinction busrt as you define it.  I have not responded to the baiting, manipulation, accusations, etc... and am pleased that I am better able to maintain my equilibrium.  I have decided that I need to spend tonight in a safe place where I can get a good night's rest.  Not sure how to approach it though.  Am open to any ideas. Currently he won't let me speak unless I am answering his leading question "Are you ready to stop playing games now and have a normal relationship?".  I am so thankful for the site as it helps me stay focused on the path.

I need some time without all the noise to think about my goals and steps I can take to move in that direction.  Without concrete objectives in mind, it is difficult to judge whether my actions are helpful or hurtful.

[taralita]

What a wonderful post.  Thank you so much for it.

Jaybird, I wish to just echo that, yes, it is profoundly difficult to even get a foothold on OUR path, heck find it even, when we are so beat down and tired. 

For me, if I am tired, I can't discern paths, only be dragged on one.

So I wish you rest and sleep and hope you find that peaceful place to go to.

[Wanda]

I have decided that I need to spend tonight in a safe place where I can get a good night's rest.  Not sure how to approach it though.  Am open to any ideas.

you just let him know you will go here... you need your sleep and you will see him in the morning end of story. no argument no defending just do it.

letting him know again you will be back in the morning... make sure though before you approch this you have everything ready to go...   x

[JDoe]

Holding you in prayers, Jaybird.  x

Thank you for the very insightful word picture, UFN.  My DH is wandering in the wilderness using his specialty- the silent treatment.  Won't even answer a direct question from me.  I think I am doing better about not leaving my path, but not sure what else to do.  I know better than to chase him and inviting him back on to the path is met with more silence.  Not sure what to do, if anything, and he can keep this up for weeks (and has, many a time).

I don't even know what triggered this dysregulation, unless it was the start of my cycle (which always irritates him waaaaay past when it ends, but how all-powerful am I to intentionally start that just to annoy him? ).

God bless,

JDoe

[confused!!!]

Thanks for this UFN.  Good stuff!

Very timely. Trying to regain my sense of balance after having the rug pulled out from under me during a most vulnerable time in my life. Will have to print out as a reminder to STAY ON THE PATH OF WELLNESS!

[Jaybird]

you just let him know you will go here... you need your sleep and you will see him in the morning end of story. no argument no defending just do it.

letting him know again you will be back in the morning... make sure though before you approch this you have everything ready to go...  

Thanks Wanda.  I have a backpack already packed and am trying to arrange lodging for tonight with family.  I need to go home first and finish getting ready for a weekend trip with my daughter.  Once that is done I will do as you suggest.

I appreciate the prayers JDoe. Without His strength, I don't think I could do this.

[jardin]

Thanks for this UFN.  Good stuff!

Very timely. Trying to regain my sense of balance after having the rug pulled out from under me during a most vulnerable time in my life. Will have to print out as a reminder to STAY ON THE PATH OF WELLNESS!

I like the path concept also.  I think you bring up a good point here in addition - What is the destination of this path.  I know for me in times past my destination would have been - a relationship with S.  This made it very very easy to adjust the path to go wherever she went... .which definitely led us into a land where her feelings ruled the area.  Now, I think my path ends in me being the best person I can be.  Wellness, health - a place of no codependence and a place where I actually accomplish the things I have the capacity to contribute.  Very easy visual to follow.  Even today - S seems to be having a rough day - very crabby, very quick to anger.  But I even 'feel' like I'm just watching her out there in the forest... .while I continue walking along happily because today has been a good day for me.  She can run around like a mad woman out there getting all bruised and beaten... .and I CAN stay safe and happy and where I need to be (even while feeling compassion for her plight).  I really hope she'll see how easy and peaceful this choice can be, while also knowing that is her choice to make for herself. 

I like.  :)estination set.  We're all going somewhere anyway... .this feels much safer then the freaky journey I was on even weeks ago... . 

[united for now]

Why do you think you follow them and leave the path?

What lures you into following them?

What prevents you from getting back on the path?

How do they treat you when you stay on the path?

[JDoe]

Why do you think you follow them and leave the path?

What lures you into following them?

What prevents you from getting back on the path?

How do they treat you when you stay on the path?

Great questions! 

I follow him off the path out of fear that he will lose the path or perhaps he never saw the path clearly or has not even traveled the path. 

I am lured by probably a foolish desire to stay by his side, or to save him from himself in the deep, dark woods.

I prevent myself from getting back on the path, if I do not.  Mostly, I get back on it when I get strong enough or when DH pushes me away.  So easy to travel it by myself, if I am not worrying about him.  Strangely, I feel closer to God and in my spiritual walk when DH is demonstrating how mentally ill he is, whether the silent treatment or raging.  Clinging to Him comes naturally to me.

I am alternately lauded and criminalized for staying the path, depending on DH's mood.

[Auspicious]

Why do you think you follow them and leave the path?

What lures you into following them?

What prevents you from getting back on the path?

How do they treat you when you stay on the path?

1. She's a will-o-the-wisp ... .the shiny light is soo pretty ... .

2. Sometimes it seems like it should be so easy to "get" her back on the path: just take her hand, a gentle nudge, and surely we'll be walking hand in hand sown the path again.

[peacebaby]

My partner and I are both on the same path, reminding each other to get back on regularly. This week we're going to try not to fight.

[angst]

Succinct... .thanks UFN.

[1q2w3e]

Thanks UFN!

great analogy.  After reading this, I'm realizing that I've never really concretely defined my own path, but rather, just try to avoid getting too enmeshed and going down W's path of dysregulation and irrationality.  I'm not approaching the relationship from a position of strength with my self-will and self-worth in a rock steady foundation yet, and I need to get more pro-active in my approach with my relationship with my wife who struggles with BP. 

My biggest struggle of late is recognizing wife's emotional blackmail and FOG for what it is during those moments of her dysregulating, and withstanding it or taking a time-out for myself.

[1q2w3e]

Why do you think you follow them and leave the path?

I second-guess myself and find myself starting to 'drink her Kool-Aid' and get guilted into following her dysregulated path



What lures you into following them?  FOG

What prevents you from getting back on the path?  fear of her verbal attacks; while I intellectually know it's going to get worse before it gets better, I find it tough to withstand that pending storm.  Plus, trying to keep W from verbally attacking when D3 is present isn't easy (why does it always seem to occur when all 3 of us are in a car and W's driving?)

How do they treat you when you stay on the path?  On those few instances when I do manage to hold my boundaries, she does ultimately back off.  I really need to remind myself of those small victories.

[Mutt]

I thought I would like to bump the amazing piece in the OP for others.

[toomanyeggshells]

Really great post UFN.  I'm really struggling between staying and leaving, but since I'm still living with uBPDbf, I'm posting here and trying to follow the Staying lessons.

Why do you think you follow them and leave the path?

What lures you into following them?

What prevents you from getting back on the path?

How do they treat you when you stay on the path?

I think I follow uBPDbf off the path because I'm just trying to keep the peace ... .what little of it there is. 

What lures me into following him is that, even though I know better, I'm still hoping he changes back into the person I fell in love with.

Lately, I'm so much better about getting back on the path.  I've been working on myself and it feels great!  Whats prevented me is definitely the FOG I've been living with.

When I'm on the path, uBPDbf is even more sullen and miserable. 

[coworkerfriend]

This was exactly the post I needed to read today.  I have been working really hard at defining the path I am taking in life and in this relationship. 

We have made so much progress over the year I have found this board.  The tools have made a significant improvement in me not making things worse when my pwBPD dysregulates.

I have been struggling quite a bit about leaving the path to guide him back.  I know I can't do that - I know I can't fix or change or bring him back on to the path with me.  I do understand. I am know that for a very long time, I would veer right off the path every single time.  I haven't done that since March and that is huge for me. 

But since the beginning of our relationship - when he leaves, I panic.  I immediately go into a panic.  It is really hard for me to stay on the path and have faith he will be back.  There is literally no other way for me to describe it  except that I have a panic attack when he begins to dysregulate.  I am trying to understand why I do that.  I am working to stay calm, stay on my path and hope he comes back to me soon.  I have to work through this.  I am trying to figure out where it is coming from. Trying to figure out what scares me and panics me.