I guess this is it

[aero0421]

Hi all, I've been here sporadically over the past year as my ex and I were last autumn/winter talking about getting back together. We split again around New Years; she wanted to she go back to her rebound relationship. I've been working on myself, taking stock of my own mistakes (which there are plenty of) and trying to improve. I've gone on a few dates but nothing at all serious. I still love my ex, deeply.

She had said she wanted to see where things could go with the rebound, and that maybe we could reconnect in a few years. Now, they have moved in together and it's "serious". It has hit me hard, particularly now that I can see the ways that I contributed to our problems. I was bad at communicating, would take my anxiety out on her, and start arguments -- which exacerbated her bpd-ish issues. Like many others here, I did not realise I was dealing with a special needs person, and got caught up in my own issues.

What I'm struggling with the most is how she says her new relationship is so stable and healthy, and she talks about our relationship with pretty disparaging language, calling it a "crazy mess". It's really painful to hear things like that, and to face someone else being a better fit for her.  All I had wanted was that kind of stable domesticity with her, and it seemed like she wasn't capable of that. She was very volatile, and I waited for years trying to be supportive and patient. Some of it is timing/circumstances (she was going through a divorce during our time together, and it was the pandemic). Some of it was my own bad communication.

I've been working on the tools here so that I can be a better partner in the future. There is so much I had been doing wrong. A lot of invalidation. Her core problems were that I didn't make her feel heard or understood. 

I just wish I had learned these lessons earlier, or with someone I didn't love quite as much.

I wanted to check in and share this part of my journey, even though I suppose any hope of reversing the breakup is over.  Thanks as always for listening. It's been a big help.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[aero0421]

I would add that I was hoping that with my improved skills, we could at least be friends (we had been close friends for many years before dating). But she views me as something that threatens her newfound stability, and to keep away from.  This has also been painful to hear.

[Cat Familiar]

How long has she been in this new relationship? This new found “stability” could merely be the honeymoon phase.

[aero0421]

She started dating this person a week after we broke up the first time. Didn't speak to me for five months while they dated. Then she came to me and said she might want to get back together - they broke up briefly during this timeframe. And since then they have been together for about six months. So overall about one year, but with a few months in between of her coming back to me.