I took a big step today and deleted every single photo of my xBPDgf. Over the weekend, I deleted every e-mail and every piece of contact I had with my xBPDgf. I had a 4-year relationship that cycled many times and, before I found this site a week ago, I "hung on" to all artifacts in hope that we would "solve" our issues and be normal.
I am on this board because I'm done recycling. For the first time, I am admitting to myself that nothing will make this relationship work. It was a relief to delete each picture and say "goodbye" every time I hit the "delete" key.
"Rumination" and "brooding" have been problematic for me in the past. I have conversations with her in my head. Today, I've been ruminating on what I'd say if she contacts me now [note: she abandoned me, but with the standard hook, "maybe I'm making the biggest mistake of my life... . " yadda yadda yadda].
What I'd like to say is, "You relinquished all rights to knowledge about me and my life when you abandoned our relationship, slammed the door, and gave me the silent treatment."
However, repeating this in my head means I'm still hooked.
So, I've done some research on "repetitive thinking" that I want to share. Source:
www.southampton.ac.uk/mind/pdfs/Edward%20Watkins.pdfAccording to the source, repetitive thinking occurs when there is a discrepancy between the "actual and desired state."
(I clearly wanted the relationship to work, and it did not... . ) Repetitive thinking is the brain's way of dealing with the "discrepancy" -- which can be "good" (adaptive) if it leads to resolution, or "bad" (maladaptive) if it leads to becoming stuck.
I liked learning that telling yourself to "stop" worrying or ruminating won't work. And, that "thought stopping" and "distraction" are only "short lived." The researcher says that repetitive thinking reoccurs until the goal is resolved, and that "letting go of goals or desires" may help reduce repetitive thinking. [One lesson: To "attain or abandon goal" will stop rumination... . hence, my objective to stop hoping we'll end up together.]
Of course, because relationships like these are so hard to abandon, another way to address repetitive thoughts is by changing our "process" of thinking about the actual state vs. the desired state. (Note: the research says it's very TOUGH to "disengage from negative information and unattained goals... . "
Rumination involves asking, "Why me?" and then evaluating self, and thinking about self, often in abstract, overgeneralizing ways ("I must be bad" if this didn't work).
But, if I'm reading the research correctly, asking "why"
doesn't help.
Instead, ask "how." In real terms, this means we get out of our heads and think about
how the actual relationship unfolded, that is -- play the movie of the
actual experience. We then see the patterns and stop blaming ourselves (or even others).
If I ask, "How did my relationship end?" I can step back and see how insane it became after the idealization phase. I start to remember the actual instances of behaviors like:
1. Gaslighting
2. Transference
3. Manipulation
4. Projection
5. Painting black
And, I start to think -- do I really want to hold on to this relationship? For me, the intellectual answer is "no way."
And I'll keep coming back here until my heart agrees.
Thanks all. Day 3 of NC.