Hi all,
Last year this time I came onto this forum like a mess. Breaking up with my pwBPD was one of the most painful experiences I've ever gone through. During the initial months, I couldn't drive pass her house, and if I had to, each time seeing her front porch brought a pang of intense emotions that overwhelmed me. There were days I couldn't get out of bed, constantly having suicidal thoughts, sometimes I was so feeble, I curled up in my closet gasping for air.
Now looking back, I can say that I am a new man. The failed relationship had long seized to bother me. Just the past weekend I had a short interaction with my pwBPD, seeing my changes, she was intrigued and drawn to me, trying to rekindle our relationship, and I felt no desire to reconnect with her at all. So I remained cordial and kept the boundaries well in place. My point is, last year there were days I felt I couldn't go on without reconnecting with her, that I had to reach out to her. I am glad that I didn't for it'll ruin any recovery I had had by maintaining no contact.
And after 9 months of gruesome ordeal, I am finally free from the shackles of this relationship. I am not even bitter towards her, work is going well, and my days are (mostly) filled with a sense of peace, joy and hope. I want to say to anyone struggling the same way I did - there is light at the end of the tunnel, just hang in there, don't give up by breaking NC. You know she/he is toxic to your life, so keep them away from your circle no matter how painful the process feels. The pain will eventually ease, and you'll emerge to be a new person. Some steps to take:
- Keep posting here, writing our your emotions helps with coping
- Watch BPD related video on youtube, one of my favorite is by AJ Mahari
- Most importantly, maintain NO CONTACT, or you'll repeat the pain all over again
Hope this helps, and I look forward to seeing you all on the other side.
