Wanting revenge...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Life will always be revenge, but knowing she is happy ****ing this other guy right now while I am struggling kills me.

Well, she's probably not happy ****ing this other guy.

Even in our best moments, my ex was not really happy.  He was almost constantly agitated about one thing or another in his life.  And looking back, I realize that the good times were probably just as stressful for him as the bad times.  Like if we seemed to get closer, through sex or whatever, he was more agitated, not less.

I also see now that he used sex to control me.  In fact, the only situation where he seemed alright was when he'd just done something to stir the pot and then brought me back under control, often through sex.  Like, he'd say or do something mean to push me back and then seduce me while I was still angry.  That's not happy ****ing.

Just saying, I seriously doubt your ex can experience happiness the way we know it.  She's probably pedaling as fast as she can to keep her new supply hooked.  She probably wouldn't be able to relax and enjoy him no matter how much reassurance he offered her.  Even sex is likely a tool from the toolkit.  Fear not---you're not missing a thing.

[forgottenarm]

Life will always be revenge, but knowing she is happy ****ing this other guy right now while I am struggling kills me.

Well, she's probably not happy ****ing this other guy.

Even in our best moments, my ex was not really happy.  He was almost constantly agitated about one thing or another in his life.  And looking back, I realize that the good times were probably just as stressful for him as the bad times.  Like if we seemed to get closer, through sex or whatever, he was more agitated, not less.

I also see now that he used sex to control me.  In fact, the only situation where he seemed alright was when he'd just done something to stir the pot and then brought me back under control, often through sex.  Like, he'd say or do something mean to push me back and then seduce me while I was still angry.  That's not happy ****ing.

Just saying, I seriously doubt your ex can experience happiness the way we know it.  She's probably pedaling as fast as she can to keep her new supply hooked.  She probably wouldn't be able to relax and enjoy him no matter how much reassurance he offered her.  Even sex is likely a tool from the toolkit.  Fear not---you're not missing a thing.

[bpdlover]

I just found out that my ex was sleeping with her ex while pretending to be with me and broke up with me just before her ex came back to town, ironically the same way in which she dumped him. While one piece of the puzzle has just been fitted, the underlying truth is they will never be content and happy. This has just strengthen my resolve never to allow this piece of work into my life again. She and I had nothing in common, who was I kidding. NC is a commitment to our own sanity and happiness.

[Beach_Babe]

Honestly,  mine  wouldn't  even  be  worth  the  effort... .god  bless  her,  her  drugs,  ex-felon  friends,  18  year  old  lovers,  shoplifting,  lying,  stealing,  splitting,  self  injury,  mirroring  and  whatever  else   she  deems  a  "quality"  life.   Kudos  to  her,  I  just  want  no   part  of  it.

[bpdlover]

The ex had this way of sounding totally innocent of everything. She totally denied the horrible things she said and did to me and after behaving cool, calm and collected for two days after the "alleged" incident, turned on the tears and the smear campaign. Not worth the effort is right. Honestly, how anybody could go to the trouble of setting someone up or projecting onto them all this stuff that simply isn't there, is beyond me.

[findingmyselfagain]

Totally. My ex suddenly went on a spree of accusation and projection. *EVERYONE* including her brother (who "understood" her) believed we were really great for each other. And so did I. She was about to get everything she wanted. It shocked the heck out of me when she went off the deep end. I see now it's a very good thing that it didn't 'work out" long enough for us to get married. It's not in the pwBPD to be happy, calm, or content... .certainly not an unrecovered one. I've made friends with some that are aware, but they are still triggered and have a very difficult time going against their nature. The further out of the FOG we can get and stay the better off we will be.

[nocrazy]

I sought revenge once many years ago for my unBPD/Ns sexual promiscuity.

I look at it now, as having contracted a malor flea. It is not in my nature to have casual sex, I did not understand HOW he could do it, so much, so often, with the types of situations he got himself into. I guess part of me wanted to understand... .

My little venture into that world was a one night thing, and I regret it to this day.

The upside is, it sent me into Alanon, since he was a bad drinker. IN Alanon, (a family support group for living and dealing with alcoholism) they talk about detaching, and CoDependency, and keeping your side of the street clean.

When you first go to Alanon, you feel extremely guarded. Everyone there says they felt the same way, like," this group wants us to look at ourselves? These people ruin our lives... ."

But, the main idea that I get/got from it over years is, We dont talk so much about the Alcoholic and what they do, how they are, we talk about ourselves and our choice to remain clear in our beliefs, values, and our decisions should remain within our own value system. In other words, my goal in being invoved with/having a child with an alcoholic (replace A with PD here, if you wish) became to not become someone I didn't like or do things that I dont agree with in reaction to or response to or in revenge for how they live, or the choices they make.

It spans everything, from being so angry that you are consumed with what THEY do, to having your day remain happy no matter how dysregulated they get, to not sleeping with someone or stalking someone when your true self would not behave that way.

I mean, its all great theory, and it is all easier said than done, but my "revenge" only caused me harm, and my unBPD/N never even knew about it.

If he had, I probably would have had a lot more of a mess now than I do. Because a PD never responds to what we do with,

"Oh, I guess I really hurt you. I learned my lesson. I wont do that anymore."

[geo03]

Honestly,  mine  wouldn't  even  be  worth  the  effort... .god  bless  her,  her  drugs,  ex-felon  friends,  18  year  old  lovers,  shoplifting,  lying,  stealing,  splitting,  self  injury,  mirroring  and  whatever  else   she  deems  a  "quality"  life.   Kudos  to  her,  I  just  want  no   part  of  it.

This woke me up today like a double shot latte

[Beach_Babe]

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