How to respond to apparent charm...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My W does not know I've filed - there is a 2-5 week backlog, and the petition has not yet been recorded, it's only been a week since the petition was sent. 

I have gently broached the subject to avoid a shock, although it's been a topic of discussion for some time.  Usually a passive threat from her, so she'll undoubtedly be surprised to see me take action and respond with feelings of rejection/abandonment.

We'll need to do IHS and cohab w/ our 3 kids for some time.  Not ideal, but I don't see any other way due to finances. 

We have not yet reached the point of discussing any specifics or anything about the kids, although I did suggest that we get some resources lined up for D12 who has had occasional panic attacks and general anxiety over the past 4-5 years.  D12 is not actively seeing an IC, although she has in the past, so I'm mindful of the need to get resources lined up for her and our our kids, D10 and D6.

I share the above for context...

This morning W sends this email:

"I will never understand why you chose to take away the one remaining positive we had- physical intimacy. Never think I am not devastated by how you treat me.  I will also never understand how you can claim to care about me and yet you made that decision. Please don’t say you care about me- it is so clear you do not."

I've repeatedly told her that I care about her and the kids, and that we need to pursue a path forward that's best for all. 

My mind reels when I receive messages like this.  Is she seriously suggesting that we continue to be intimate, or reconcile?  Is it a setup for a false claim?  Is it a raw request for some kind of validation, sympathy, attention?

I know we (I) need to break the cycle of makeup sex and trauma bonding, and get into deeper discussions about what's next.  I don't know when the complaint will be logged and a summons issued, or when she can be served - could be a month from now, or more. 

How to respond?

[EyesUp]

My W does not know I've filed - there is a 2-5 week backlog, and the petition has not yet been recorded, it's only been a week since the petition was sent. 

I have gently broached the subject to avoid a shock, although it's been a topic of discussion for some time.  Usually a passive threat from her, so she'll undoubtedly be surprised to see me take action and respond with feelings of rejection/abandonment.

We'll need to do IHS and cohab w/ our 3 kids for some time.  Not ideal, but I don't see any other way due to finances. 

We have not yet reached the point of discussing any specifics or anything about the kids, although I did suggest that we get some resources lined up for D12 who has had occasional panic attacks and general anxiety over the past 4-5 years.  D12 is not actively seeing an IC, although she has in the past, so I'm mindful of the need to get resources lined up for her and our our kids, D10 and D6.

I share the above for context...

This morning W sends this email:

"I will never understand why you chose to take away the one remaining positive we had- physical intimacy. Never think I am not devastated by how you treat me.  I will also never understand how you can claim to care about me and yet you made that decision. Please don’t say you care about me- it is so clear you do not."

I've repeatedly told her that I care about her and the kids, and that we need to pursue a path forward that's best for all. 

My mind reels when I receive messages like this.  Is she seriously suggesting that we continue to be intimate, or reconcile?  Is it a setup for a false claim?  Is it a raw request for some kind of validation, sympathy, attention?

I know we (I) need to break the cycle of makeup sex and trauma bonding, and get into deeper discussions about what's next.  I don't know when the complaint will be logged and a summons issued, or when she can be served - could be a month from now, or more. 

How to respond?

[livednlearned]

If I'm understanding correctly, you have not confronted her before about her infidelity?

How do you think she'll handle things if you do not respond to her email?

What does your gut say to do?

[EyesUp]

I confronted her last August.

She promised to end the relationship and go no contact.
She then obsessed about the AP and maintained contact. It appeared that he broke it off, she suffered rejection. She then opened an Ashley Madison account in Nov.  I confronted her again, but didn't leave then in order to get through the holidays for the kids.

We've been moving in this direction for some time.

I am naively hoping to navigate forward while minimizing conflict.

Her blame-shifting / projection message looks like a grenade with a pulled pin to me.

My IC says to respond with a concise, honest message:
Recent conflict has not been conducive to healthy intimacy.

[livednlearned]

My IC says to respond with a concise, honest message:
Recent conflict has not been conducive to healthy intimacy.

IC is individual counselor?

I like the message.

We often say here to minimize the target. Less is more.

How do you anticipate your wife will respond?

[EyesUp]

IC - yes, individual counselor.

I expect my wife will need more, and she will attempt to flip it around, i.e., "oh so it's all my fault?" etc., likely with significant escalation.

[livednlearned]

Does she typically email you with messages about your relationship?

My ex did this during the more significant silent treatment phases toward the end of our relationship, so just trying to get a sense of what's so-called normal for you two ...

[EyesUp]

Not uncommon. 

We've emailed often over the years.  Pre-pandemic, I was a road warrior and we'd often email about anything and everything, including our relationship, and our conflicts.

More recently we've agreed that email might help to avoid reactivity and escalation.

About 3 weeks ago, I confronted her about her ongoing communication with her affair partner from last summer via messenger.  She agreed to "block" him, but didn't.

She responded by curling up in a ball on the couch and saying "stop threatening me" when there was no threat.  I get that she feels threatened, and that exposing her lies is threatening to her, no matter how gently/respectfully I share the information.  She shows no remorse, although she did say "yes, it was stupid" - but it's clear that she thinks it was stupid to get caught, not stupid to continue to betray me.

Although a relatively minor betrayal relative to what she's done over the past year, this was a breaking point for me - her total inability to be accountable or to show empathy was finally evident.

I've pulled back while preparing to file, and I suspect that she is doing the same.

So the email that asks about intimacy is surprising - it's not like she initiated and I rejected or withheld. 

I did respond last night:

"I understand that you think I don’t care about you.  And you feel that lack of intimacy is entirely my decision.

For the record, I'd be happy to have sex with you every day for the rest of my life. 

Unfortunately, it feels like mutual trust is just not there anymore - And conflict has not been conducive to healthy intimacy.

I am also deeply saddened by what’s happening.  I’m open to talk about it."


Walking a fine line...  We'll see how she responds.

[EyesUp]

Here's the response:

"Thank you. I feel the same way about sex with you- however I don’t feel that partners should use sex as a weapon to punish the other person.

Withholding physical intimacy and ignoring a partner are forms of abuse. And I would think that if you really wanted to work on things, you would try to maintain a shred of something positive. "

The way I read this, she didn't take in the point re: conditions for "healthy intimacy" and instead blames me for a perceived rejection (narcissistic injury), and characterizes this as abuse.

Not sure if she is more concerned about the perceived rejection or something else.  Of course I don't want to get into an argument about sex, or anything else, that she will construe as a threat / insult / criticism / abuse...

I know I can mirror her comments back to try to make her feel seen, heard.  But then what?

[livednlearned]

"I don’t feel that partners should use sex as a weapon to punish the other person.

She's in the weeds. It's a good idea to stay at the 30,000 foot view (reality). You're expressing a value (no to abuse, no to infidelity) and she is resisting.

Withholding physical intimacy and ignoring a partner are forms of abuse. And I would think that if you really wanted to work on things, you would try to maintain a shred of something positive

More of the same. She is interpreting your boundary as abusive. This isn't uncommon for people who have merger fantasies, which isn't a sustainable way to have a relationship.

As you know  

Not sure if she is more concerned about the perceived rejection or something else.

She may not be able to see you as separate from her, and therefore can't imagine what these foreign values might mean, so the boundary seems senseless and calling it abuse describes how she feels. Not having a strong sense of self, she cannot see that she's responsible for why this boundary happened therefore she cannot hold her self accountable.

Someone made this mess, and it can't be her, so it must be you.

Of course I don't want to get into an argument about sex, or anything else, that she will construe as a threat / insult / criticism / abuse...

She may argue that the sky is red but if it's blue then there's not much left to discuss.

I know I can mirror her comments back to try to make her feel seen, heard.  But then what?

You are biding time, is that right? Meaning, the relationship is over for you. In the meantime, you want to minimize the conflict while refusing to be physically intimate.

Do you want to discuss divorce, or do you prefer for it to happen through mail?

"I'm not in a place where I can be physically intimate, not without mutual trust." <--- what is your guess for how she would respond to a repeat of what you've already said, without padding it with validation?

If she solves the stand-off over intimacy by suggesting divorce, is that ok with you?

[EyesUp]

Thanks, your clarity is appreciated.

In regard to D - She's issued her own ultimatum...  we've been married for 14 years and never had joint accounts due to trust issues.  Before her affair, she self-soothed with shopping...  After she quit her job two years ago, finances became tight in spite of my relatively high income.  She accused me of controlling her and blaming her for our financial situation. Of course, she was in part responsible - she unilaterally chose to quit her job (another story), and she refused to make certain changes or to discuss budget in a collaborative way. I suspect that she replaced shopping with an affair partner...

Fast forward, now she's threatened to leave unless I give her full access to my checking account, no discussion, no conditions, no budget.  "I should not have to live like this" etc.  I agreed to open a joint account, when and if we can have a collaborative discussion and mutual commitment re: budget, saving, etc.  She balked.  If I take her at word, this is deal breaker and I should assume that she is intending to go for D.

Between my boundary on finances and transparency re: lack of trust, as well as gently broaching the topic of separation and making changes, she should not be surprised I also intend to go for D.

Yet she is still seeking sex.  

I am somewhat apprehensive that any direct or overt statement will be perceived as a rejection, rather than taken as an honest appraisal of where we stand.  My IC has warned that she could decompensate.

I don't want this to happen for many reasons, as she is relatively high functioning, however I recognize that it's not in my control.  To whatever extent that I can influence outcomes, if it must occur it would be better to happen after she's served - likely a month from now. Getting to that point may be a challenge.

I'm also weighing how and when to tell the kids. Ideally we would come to some agreement about who / what / when / where before talking to them.  Trying to engage her in this discussion will be fraught.

How would she respond to any of without validation?  Poorly.  She'll perceive rejection.  She'll accuse me of abuse, of doing "anything to win, at any cost," and of not caring about her.

I need to strike a balance between honesty and padding with validation, as you say - although it's likely that she'll read selectively. 

Thanks for your objectivity and concise analysis. Super helpful.

[livednlearned]

she's threatened to leave unless I give her full access to my checking account, no discussion, no conditions, no budget

I'm curious if you have suggested giving, or have given her a monthly allowance?

she should not be surprised I also intend to go for D

I'm guessing you know that *surprise* will not be the issue ... it will be outrage, betrayal, how  could you do this, etc.

Yet she is still seeking sex

This may be the way she measures her value. It is probably entirely separate from what counts as intimacy, emotional or otherwise.

I am somewhat apprehensive that any direct or overt statement will be perceived as a rejection, rather than taken as an honest appraisal of where we stand.

 

I would trust your instincts and do whatever survival maneuvers are necessary (short of compromising your values). This isn't the time to try too many unproven things if there's a divorce pipe bomb working it's way through the courts/mail.

My IC has warned that she could decompensate

Does decompensate include suicidal ideation? What would decompensation likely look like if you had to guess?

I'm also weighing how and when to tell the kids. Ideally we would come to some agreement about who / what / when / where before talking to them.  Trying to engage her in this discussion will be fraught.

If you can, I can't recommend enough talking to a child psychologist before you do this and ask for advice on how best to do this. Emphasize that this will likely be a high-conflict divorce with a mother who has a PD.

The initial sh!tstorm may be unavoidable, so your efforts may pay off in stages, including after mom has done her thing. The telling may be stage 1 (mitigate mom's stuff), then stage 2, clean up mess, then stage 3, more clean up. Etc.

For example, kids care about things that kids care about. Like will they have 2 toothbrushes. Will they have to take a different bus. My son worried he would have to carry an extra pair of underpants in his backpack like some other kid who got teased once. I'm guessing the kid did his exchange after school hence the underpants in his backpack. Also, a psychologist can tell you what not to say, like "mommy and daddy both love you." I was told I could say that I loved my kid, and to leave the other love for the other parent to handle.

How would she respond to any of without validation?  Poorly.  She'll perceive rejection.  She'll accuse me of abuse, of doing "anything to win, at any cost," and of not caring about her.

I'm guessing that supply/validation will keep this thing going at a simmer/low boil for a month and that might be preferable to the rage-a-thon you are hoping to avoid.

We do what we can.

I need to strike a balance between honesty and padding with validation, as you say - although it's likely that she'll read selectively.

 

It sounds like your counselor is recommending that you do a little padding to help land this plane.

Go easy on yourself if that's what you need to do.

I felt like I was detonating a bomb when I left. We had financial distrust issues, too, and I know what it looks like to my ex but in retrospect, we were in survival mode. I felt I had to do things I would never do just to protect everyone involved, and that meant no one was happy.

Do you have a safety plan in case your wife decompensates beyond your skill level?

[EyesUp]

Allowance:   We go around and around on budget.  Keep in mind she has an MBA and was the general manager of a boutique consulting business...  but we cannot agree on spending.

When she quit her job, we agreed to $2k/month for her expenses.  I did not micromanage.  She took the $2k, but used credit cards for many of the items that were supposed be covered by the $2k.  We racked up some debt while she avoided any discussion of budget...

Short version, yes, I give her $ every month.  It's never enough, she complains bitterly, accuses me of financial infidelity / abuse / control.

Sex / value...  
Good insight.  It's a major item, for sure.

Suicidal ideation...
Yes.  For years I perceived her suicidal comments as false threats and emotional abuse, however under the current circumstances I am concerned it could turn.

Child Psych...
I am actively working on this, and in fact trying to work with her because I don't want her to undermine any resources because she perceives that they are on my side or work for me.

Safety plan...
Bits and pieces, nothing as solid as I'd like.  My IC and atty have stated that I cannot leave the house, i.e., cannot leave the kids if she is unstable.  On the other hand, I cannot afford an apartment (for her or for me) anyway.  What I do have:  2 or 3 places I can stay on a short term basis if absolutely necessary.   My wife has the option to stay with her mother not too far away.  And I've already been in contact with the social worker embedded with our local PD, as well as the detective that handles DV - mainly to ask for advice, what to do if...  etc.  I know that those calls have been logged.

If absolutely necessary, I also know that I could ask neighbors to watch the kids.

In the meantime, it feels like I need to respond to her withholding sex = abuse allegation...

[livednlearned]

She is an aggressive personality and wants to win.

At some point, she will get frustrated this isn't moving in her direction.

The textbooks/experts recommend 1. repeating what you said (don't follow her down new rabbit holes), and 2. get her to recommend a solution.

Unfortunately, it feels like mutual trust is just not there anymore - And conflict has not been conducive to healthy intimacy.

You could subtly rephrase this and say the same thing you've said. "Unfortunately, without mutual trust we aren't in a place that's conducive to healthy intimacy."

Or, this seems to be the phrase that has that combination of validation/appeasement/boundary/accountability/solve the (real) problem:

I am also deeply saddened by what’s happening.  I’m open to talk about it."

"I meant what I wrote early, that I am also deeply saddened by what's happening. I'm open to talking about ways to increase mutual trust."

PwBPD aren't great at solving problems, often because they default to these other ways that work (bullying, aggression, manipulation, etc.).

My guess is that she will flip the table, so to speak, because you aren't budging.

But it's better to beat up the table than go after you, especially since you are biding time.

[EyesUp]

For years, whenever she became reactive I would ask her:  what do you want to make happen?  What's the goal?  How can I help?

For a time, this approach would neutralize the conflict - but I came to realize that there was no resolution, and eventually she realized that it didn't work for her either.  Now, she often accuses me of stubbornness - refusing to move to her view, or manipulation - putting her in a position to change, instead of changing myself.  She's become quick to blame, and accuses me of wanting to win at all costs.

Last night I was baited into a skirmish I should have avoided. 

I told her that we are almost out of dog food, and so I would place an order...  she instantly said/blamed "didn't you place an order last time I asked?"  Of course she knows I placed the prior order some ~ 3 weeks ago, which she has reconfirmed perhaps 3 times since that time (and if i hadn't, the dogs would be dead by now).  I simply said "yes" and received an immediate eye roll followed by "what's the problem this time?"  To which I made the mistake of saying, "we are out again, that's why I will order tonight."  Her response was "You didn't tell me"/"I didn't know".  OK, I should have walked away or something, but in the moment I said "we've been over this a few times, it was 3 weeks ago, now it's time to order more".  Boom. "Whatever, you just want to be right.  It doesn't matter how I feel."

It would literally kill her to say "thanks for taking care of this" - instead she must create a way to diminish even the smallest things that I do to provide for our family.

So, you are 100% correct - she wants to win.

And she's not wrong - at this point, I also want to win.  However my version of "winning" is protecting our kids, and minimizing damage to all involved while attempting to respect basic boundaries. 

A few times she's mentioned that "something snapped" about a year ago - which preceded her affair.  I have this dream that she wasn't always this bad, that what I clearly see today was always there, but it did in fact get worse about a year ago - and that it might be possible to partially rebottle the genie.  And then I wake up...   It's been impossible to get her to talk about the snap, although I think I've figured it out.  It was early in the pandemic and she was both depressed (gym closed) and anxious (hypochondria), and accusing me of not caring about her, while she slaved over the kids who were suddenly home full time.  I made the mistake of offering to do more for the kids, which she perceived as an insult and criticism and confirmation that she wasn't doing enough.  She slammed doors, stomped around, and left the house with the kids for a few hours.  I think that may have been the proverbial straw.

Thanks again.

[livednlearned]

I guess my question for you is:

Is it preferable to protect your wife from natural consequences at this moment, weeks before the divorce papers arrive?

She was sectioned after an online counseling session.

She isn't changing her behavior because there have been virtually no consequences.

It sucks that you are the one person who has to decide whether these natural consequences should occur. I've been in that position too and can't say that I made the right decision.

In 20 years, looking back on this, knowing what is likely to happen, or could possibly happen, what do you want to be able to say about this time?

My concern is that because of the amount of control being exerted to manage this, you feel overly responsible for what happens, and then others treat you that way, too.

I have my own version of having gone through what you're experiencing right now and there isn't one right way. We all do what we're capable of doing at the time.

I'm mainly wondering if you are overlooking some options because of how tightly you are trying to protect her from herself, and whether that is hurting your chances of being in the home, just you and the girls, where they can see mom's actions --> mom's consequences vs dad's actions --> consequences to mom.

No easy answers here.

[EyesUp]

In complete candor, I fear that exposing her (/not protecting her) will both trigger bad stuff, and may also diminish potential leverage.

Sure, I could blow up her support network - friends and family.  I believe that she's actively smearing me to this group as I type.  However I'd prefer to lay a foundation for a semi-functional relationship (naive? maybe), and also keep the facts of her affair and related behavior in my back pocket in case it's needed to drive a settlement (more than likely).

On some level, the kids know not all is well, but we are generally not in open warfare. So many others here have it much, much worse than I do (to this point).  I suppose this gives rise to the idea that maybe - just maybe - we can get through without total armageddon. 

Her mother and sister are likely to support her in some way.  If she was fully exposed, they might reconsider - which has a different set of consequences for her - and for me.  My atty feels that it's better to hold certain cards for now.

What else did you have in mind?

[EyesUp]

I received the following response:

"If I am scared to be honest with you based on your history of reactions, that’s a problem. Especially when it is a benign situation like wine night.

I have full blown PTSD about you calling the cops on me.
And L and A were very tense and arguing the other day in the shop and I actually started shaking and wanted to run from the building— just being in the same space as them.

I am devastated by all of it. I love you but I need peace and so do the girls."

History of reactions - I'd say this is 100% projection.
Wine night - she recently attended a wine night at her AP's house at the invitation of AP's W, who has no idea about the affair.  She previously agreed not to attend events at their house, and she lied to me about where she was - she said wine night was a different place, and turned off her phone while she was out.  I noticed because a message to let her know that all the kids into bed was not delivered.

PTSD - she's pissed that I took action that exposed her, that it's not going away, and that it weakens her attempt to smear me.  She fully denies the circumstances of the call, although the police corroborated her story with mine.  The 911 occurred when I objected to the discovery that her AP would be D6's soccer coach.  She accused me of being selfish, the discussion escalated, she became manic or close to it - screaming with the kids in the house.  This was ~3 weeks after the Section 12.  Multiple professionals told me to call 911 immediately if she became unstable again.  I asked her if she could calm down, and it only got worse.  I made the call...   when the police arrived, they asked me what I wanted them to do (I understand that they were under no obligation to comply), and I asked them not to arrest her.  It's in the log.  This led to her father and step mother learning about the affair - he got the call - and this is as close to consequences as she's had to face. 

L and A - the husband and wife owners of the shop where she works part time.

"and so do the girls" - set up parental alienation.  I've documented many instances where she initiates a conflict in front of the kids, and I am generally careful to avoid getting sucked in.  She will never admit her role in this - she assigns all blame to me.

I see what's happening, but I'm jammed re: how to respond...

I'd like to engage her in some kind of collaborative process to separate, but I know it simply may not be possible.

[livednlearned]

If your wife was sectioned and received treatment now before the divorce papers arrived, and you and the girls were in the home alone, with them getting counseling while mom gets evaluated, how would that compare to being in the home with your wife after she gets served?

[EyesUp]

She was not actually sectioned.

The MC called 911, my wife willingly went in the ambulance.  She was released after a preliminary evaluation, she was not formally admitted and did not have a full psych eval.  This was based on the recommendation of her IC, who she had not spoken with in 5+ months at that time.  I also naively agreed to pick her up without a full eval. 

The kids were at school when this happened, I picked everyone up and provided dinner, explained that mom would be home soon.  They went to bed no problem, she was home later that night and everyone was together again in the AM.

Upon release, my W was nearly euphoric - "I just want to be with you and the kids".

Didn't last long - the story shifted to "I feel like a caged animal" within days.

The second 911 call could have led to a DV, not a section, but they did not take her in. At the time, I felt that if I agreed to the arrest it would have dire consequences and quickly lead to protective orders, etc., and I was not prepared.  Still attempting some reconciliation.

A few weeks later, I was truly stunned when she created an Ashley Madison account and actually met some random guy.  I confronted her, she lied, I confronted her again...  long story short, I made it through the holidays for the kids while getting my head together.

I still don't have a great plan, but I've come to accept that there is no going back to the life I thought I had a year ago, and I'm taking steps to protect myself.

The girls have not received counseling at this point, I'm working on that.

I'm extremely apprehensive about conditions once my W is served. 

Trying to lay the groundwork to get our kids support in advance, and to get my W to agree to going down the path of IHS and mediation.  I know, I know...  good luck.

My atty says that the spouse who rejects mediation is often viewed as the unreasonable one.

The fact is that we cannot easily afford to separate, and she will not like anything coming her way.  She probably expects to get 100% custody and max alimony.  A 50/50 arrangement will require a lot of negotiation.

I think that's why she's saying "the kids need peace" - the fact is that I do breakfast, pickups, dropoffs, baths, read to them, put them to bed - every day.  I take them on hikes, we walk the dogs, ride bikes, go shopping, etc.  I have a good bond with all of them.  Although so does she - they comfort her and apologize to her with remarkable speed at the first twitch of anger...

I'm certain she will attempt to weaponize them.

Her accusations are generally confessions...

[ForeverDad]

Your youngest child is 5 or 6 years old.  So all the kids are of school age.  Could she be angling for intimacy so she could get pregnant and feel then you are obligated with her even more than before?

In general, if abstinence doesn't continue, any intimacy should be where you ensure there is reliable birth control.  Don't leave it up to her to later claim, "Oops, I forgot!"

[EyesUp]

Hello FD.

The kids are D6, D10, D12.

Yesterday I received a note from W's atty to introduce himself and say she intends to file.  Separately received an email from W stating let's avoid conflict and pursue a fair process.

I was surprised / not surprised.

Surprised that
- she filed first (always wants to be the victim)
- her atty sent a relatively polite letter unattached to a formal complaint,
- she didn't launch WW3 with protective orders, etc.

Still digesting this AM.

Posting in this thread again because it's an interesting contrast with her notes re: intimacy during the week leading up to this...

Do I think she was angling for a 4th kid?  No.  She's 47, I'm 51.
Do I think she was angling for sex?  Maybe.
Most likely?  She's struggling with rejection, and this was part of her motivation to file. My boundary re: mutual trust may have given her the confidence to proceed.

We spoke briefly when I arrived home last night, I needed to acknowledge I received her note.  This AM she was crying, had nightmares last night.  She said "I probably shouldn't be talking to you about this" and proceeded to tell me about a dream in which she was at mardi gras, alone, everyone was happy, she could not find who she was looking for, and she was not happy.   Then another comment about memories attached to favorite places, restaurants, etc.  (I did not comment that she had no conflict making plans to go to our favorite places with her AP).  

I responded by saying that we can both take the kids to favorite places, and to new places.  Her response was telling: she was thinking of the times before we had kids.

I'm concerned that I'm in a slow cooker, it will be interesting to see her complaint next week when our attys start to communicate.  

But I got to tuck in my kids last night, tell them I love them, and make them cinnamon rolls this morning.  Every day I get to do this is a gift.

[livednlearned]

Ok, wow.

Do you want to start a new thread so others can join in and walk with you as things move forward? People might have specific advice on how to cohabitate while divorcing, in particular.

In the meantime, it's hard to say what your wife is thinking (you should have sex with me while I'm filing for divorce), but it seems clear she's falling apart.

Hang in there.