should I talk to the school counselor for my kids?

[joe_schmoe]

I'm debating whether or not to talk to my kids' school counselor about my uBPD wife's behavior towards them. In addition to all of her other BPD problems, my wife has a real problem with men. She is abusive to all three of the children, but especially to my son. He comes to me for solace when she verbally attacks him. I try to comfort him as best I can. But I am finding that the closer he gets to me, the more she attacks him. His sisters are younger than him but I really think it is because he is male, that he is getting the larger share of the abuse. Anyway, I think his school work is starting to suffer from the abuse and I want to talk to someone about it. I thought the best thing would be to make the school counselor aware of the situation at home and see if she has any advice. If nothing else, at least they will know why my son's grades are slipping and notice any change in his behavior. I'm just afraid of the fallout if this gets back to my wife. She will think I sold her out. I don't know if I can fully trust the school to keep it quiet. To make things worse, my wife is very active at the school, she goes out of her way to make everyone notice how helpful she is and is always trying to draw attention to herself and her "good deeds".

This morning as I was leaving for work, my son had tears in his eyes as he was begging me not to leave. My wife was already criticizing him before school. He has two tests today and I know he can't be fully focused when he has to deal with her. I have a hard enough time at work when she abuses me. I felt so bad for having to leave him there with her. I didn't know what to say to him. I wanted to cry myself.

I need help.

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[MaybeSo]

Kids that have these kinds of difficulties need as much support as possible. If he could see a counselor 1x a week that reinforces what a great kid he is... It can be a life saver.

If YOU were in T to help you get more support, that would ultimately benefit your children, too.

Counselors and teachers are mandated reporters. If a child is being neglected or abused, they are required to report. This is for the child's protection. Often verbal and emotional abuse doesn't show up in a manner that leads to reporting. Sad, but true.

I can't think of anything sadder than being bullied at home by a parent and no one does anything to help because all the adults are too scared to upset the bully, too.

Sigh.

[joe_schmoe]

Thanks maybeso,

I was afraid that just talking to her would prompt her to report it. I know that is a slippery slope. So I am very hesitant to talk to her.

To you other comment, it is sad. I have started standing up to my wife and not allowing her to bully me or the kids whenever I can, but I am not always around and her bullying of the kids happens mostly behind my back. I can't be there 24 hours a day to protect them, but they know they can come to me for help any time. The sad part is that they also know they have to be exposed to it for some part of the day while I'm at work and there is no one there to help them.

I'm seeking help for myself, but I can't find a BPD specialist in my area that will see me after work hours. I'm still looking though.

How do I get help for my kids without having to explain to my wife why they need help? She thinks there is nothing wrong with her treatment of them.

[MaybeSo]

You and your wife have very different parenting styles and it's a problem. You don't have to see a school counselor, any therapist that works with kids and has good credentials would be helpful.

In my agency, we see kids who struggle with any form if abuse, including verbal and emotional, for free under a grant. If you have funds or insurance, you of course can go shop elsewhere.

One way or another, you have to tell his mom he's going to see a counselor. I would keep the explanation as "we" seem to struggle with parenting him and it's affecting his outlook and his grades. Cause the reality is you are both his parents and the problem resides with both of you and the system in the family, and not just with your wife.

If you polarize this as all her fault... .you kind of limit your options and negate your own power. And your son won't learn how to take care of himself around difficult people... .and there's a lot of difficult people out there.

[joe_schmoe]

With all due respect, I don't consider verbal abuse a valid "parenting style".

Regarding "the problem resides with both of you and system in family" ;' I know I'm not perfect but I don't abuse my children. The system in the family is; my wife has BPD and I'm trying to protect myself and my kids from the daily abuse. If there was no abuse, the problem wouldn't exist and I wouldn't be here asking for help.

As far as "and not just with your wife", It sounds like you are trying to excuse the abuser and label her behavior as a 'parenting style'. My contribution has been that I've let it happen for far too long and now I'm standing up to her, but everyone still suffers. I'm trying to find a way to protect the children when I'm not there to do it for them. If she wasn't abusive, the problem wouldn't exist.

Thanks anyway.

[KateCat]

My contribution has been that I've let it happen for far too long

Joe, everything I've learned on this board is "all about my contribution." (And how long I had let certain things happen.) And now I see clearly how my contribution really is an integral part of "the system in the family." We've got to trust the insight of the professionals on this if we want to see a way forward, in my opinion.

[qcarolr]

Hi Joe_schmoe,

You are in a really hard place. Anytime we change how we interact with the BPD person in our life there is bound to be an increase in the bullying behaviors. This has such a big impact on the kids caught in the middle. I understand how it feels better to take the abuse and feel like this is protecting the kids.

The effects on your son at home and in school are showing you that this is not working. And you are here asking for help. For help with making it better with your wife, this board is a good place to get support and ideas. For help with the impacts on your kids you might want to check out the board for co-parenting after the split. In some ways it is harder when you are all together in the same house - your parenting beliefs come from a "split" place.

Here is a link:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=9.0

I usually post on the 'parents supporting our kids with BPD' board. My dh and I are raising our granddaughter and have had custody since she was a baby. Her mom with BPD has been in and out of our home and gd's life. We are dealing with many of the behaviors you are seeing in your son. I have gone to therapy with my gd since she was age 5. It has been family focused at times, though now it is individual with gd since she has started to participate with the T directly. We go to the county mental health center - they have lots of experience with kids in chaotic families.

My DD27 has accepted that we do this therapy since I phrased it as helping me be a better parent. Anything that I can do to improve the dynamics in my home benefits each of us. When I put all my energy focusing on only what I want to see change about my BPDDD, things have only gotten worse. Sometimes we deserve to focus on ourselves first, then we can find the courage, strength and perseverance to face all the other issues in our life. That 'self-care' message took a long time for me to accept.

There is a risk in approaching the school. It has worked best for me to keep the focus on what my gd's needs are. Yes, I have shared that there is some chaos in our home, and that this does impact her ability to focus at school -- to feel safe in her life. [feeling safe is internal from child's perspective, not based on being safe from adult perspective] The school has been great at providing some extra structure, extra attention, etc. for gd. I started this discussion with the classroom teacher. This led to a planning meeting with the school counselor and the classroom teacher to find ways to help gd feel more connected and safe at school.  Her acting out and avoidance behaviors respond well to the small accomadations that were provided.

qcr

[daylily]

Joe,

  As a parent of two with a pwBPD, I understand the difficulties with "co-parenting" with a pwBPD.  My heart aches for your son!  I think the main issue here is your responsibility to your children.  They can't protect or defend themselves from your wife.  You are their only hope to remain healthy as possible under the circumstances.  As I see it, it is our responsibility to lessen the effect of BPD on our children, regardless of the consequence to us.  And sometimes I don't think it's something we can do alone.  If our children need counseling, it is our responsibility to get it for them.  If your wife has a hissy fit about you getting help for your children, so be it.  pwBPD have imposed their own household "rules" on us (spoken and unspoken).  Following a mentally ill and abusive parent's "rules" of raising children may not be in our children's best interest.

Whether or not the school counselor is a mandatory reporter is another issue.  If you're concerned about that, is there another avenue for your children to get some counseling (especially your son)?  I'm more concerned about his emotional health rather than whether or not the school knows why his grades are slipping.  If he gets help, that may solve the problem with his schoolwork.

  :)aylily

[MaybeSo]

With all due respect, I don't consider verbal abuse a valid "parenting style".

Great.

Nor do I.

Joe, I know this is hard and you can be upset and defensive and make this about me and my apparent need to support verbal abuse as a valid parenting style. ((?))

But, your stated questions and fears are:

I was afraid that just talking to her would prompt her to report it. I know that is a slippery slope. So I am very hesitant to talk to her.

I think his school work is starting to suffer from the abuse and I want to talk to someone about it. I thought the best thing would be to make the school counselor aware of the situation at home and see if she has any advice. If nothing else, at least they will know why my son's grades are slipping and notice any change in his behavior. I'm just afraid of the fallout if this gets back to my wife.

How do I get help for my kids without having to explain to my wife why they need help? She thinks there is nothing wrong with her treatment of them.

Based on your stated fears, my recommendation was that you frame this as a WE problem and not exclusively a HER problem.  Because on some level, it is... .and taking the blame and focus off of her exclusively as a perpetrator of child abuse in YOUR HOME helps to minimize the polarization that will immediately instigate exactly what you just stated you fear above ... .and it's your fears, Joe, that seem to keep you stuck or hesitant about getting your son the help he needs from a school counselor.

 

Best to you.

[Suzn]

Hi guys!

The great thing about bpdfamily is the respect, compassion, and honesty we all show each other.  We're all in this together as family.

I wanted to remind everyone of the 3.3.  Hope this helps keep us together today.

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[waverider]

If your child is having issues at school then communicating with the school Councillor is worthwhile. Not so much as an attempt to give excuses to the Councillor as to why, but more to find out from the schools perspective just how much this is having an effect on him at school. There may be consequences at school you are not aware of, this may give you more to work on in addressing the issues.

Working backwards from this may help you formulate better and more specific boundaries on your partners behavior towards your child. After all just providing reasons for his issues to the school is not fixing anything, it will still continue

[Somewhere]

School counselor is good.

Ours recommended Alateen for our daughter.

Child Protective Services (aka CPS, or other such agencies) are also good, and may open a case to put the entire problem on a Very Short Leash.

And yes, your wife will likely go berserk.  Mrs. Somewhere did over Alateen.

Go the right thing, anyway.

Your kid needs your help, NOW.  Do not fail him.