How do I deal with silent treatment

[lovers knot]

To give you an idea of our wonderful connection, we have a spiritual bond, and a bond that is innocent, sweet, and full of grace and compassion.

She knows that I'd do anything for her, and I've expressed this to her in the past. She's surely one of the dearest friends I've ever had in my life. Not to get too deeply into my story with her, but she was abused as a child, verbally and physically, by her mother; she and her mother still have a good relationship now, even though it can be 'rocky' at times with my sweet friend's BPD issues (they had another blowup a week or so ago). Anyway, one huge mistake that I think that I may have made was that I expressed my love for her, emotionally, too soon. Of course, apologizing for expressing these emotions will not happen, because that would just be being dishonest with the whole scenario, and I'm fully honest and open, and so caring, and giving, and completely sacrificial towards giving my all, and letting go of 'self', because truly, it's not "all about me," as I've learned to love selfLESSly, and that goes with all 'forms' of love.

Anyway, let me just tell you that within the past couple of weeks, we were texting regularly, speaking on the phone (although I noticed that barriers went up, and that was a good thing, actually, because it was what was needed for the both of us!), and for so long, we have had these great conversations, our lives parallel in so many beautiful ways, and the beauty of it all goes in so many different directions, a beautiful spectrum that has really dazzled and sent me over the moon. She knows that I love her, and she has told me that she loves me too, but I wonder if I spoke too soon by telling her how I feel about her, or is there a such thing as speaking too soon?

She finally found a satisfying job that she had been seeking for, for a long time, after being distressed about finances, burdened by her life changes, the way her family often ignores her or treats her and so she calls ME first (not her mother, not her other best friend, but me!) and lets me know about this new job offer, which truly made me so happy for her. When I called her back, she was so excited, and so was I, and she thanked me for encouraging her, praying for her and with her on the phone together about it all, and she said, "I'm so grateful to you," and so on.

That was on the 30th of July, and that was the last time we've talked on the phone.

I've read up on silent treatment, and there are so many different reasons, and they're not all negative. One person said that they get the silent treatment sometimes when their friend/whomever wants to be alone to reflect on how they feel. And then some people just don't let it bother them, and the person giving out the ST will eventually shut down shop and suddenly say something, but in my case, it is so baffling. This is obviously a 'long distance friendship' that we have, and we've spent time together, of course, but I've read, too, where some people with BPD will come out of the silent treatment as if nothing happened, or nothing were wrong.

Obviously something has been triggered, and it may have stemmed from my painful, emotions that I was portraying to her, about some of my own issues and problems that I was dealing with lately, and perhaps she wasn't able to handle it, and has decided to give me the ST to step away from it? Engulfment. The fact that she did ask me how I was doing was a good sign, and that she at least acknowledged me in that way as good, but the silence is deafening, and there's been nothingness since then.

Do I reach out to her? Do I not say anything? I've heard certain people say that the person with BPD "respects" the 'Non' more when they DON'T engage, because the person with BPD will feel like that is "coming out of the game," or "letting down barriers," or whatever the case may be, but is this so? Perhaps so, for some instances, but in my case, I feel like it is completely different.

Many thank yous in advance

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[Skip]

She finally found a satisfying job that she had been seeking for, for a long time, after being distressed about finances, burdened by her life changes, the way her family often ignores her or treats her and so she calls ME first (not her mother, not her other best friend, but me!) and lets me know about this new job offer, which truly made me so happy for her. When I called her back, she was so excited, and so was I, and she thanked me for encouraging her, praying for her and with her on the phone together about it all, and she said, "I'm so grateful to you," and so on.

That was on the 30th of July, and that was the last time we've talked on the phone.

Could it be as simple as she is hyper-focusing on her new job?

I wouldn't be defensive or look for deeper meaning right now, I might just send her a congratulatory card or in some way, connect to her and her job excitement, focus.

[lovers knot]

Skip, thank you for the kind response! You're right, so since my email to the moderator about my issues, which I think was sent on the 2nd of 3rd of August, on the 4th of August at around 10:30pm (I hadn't heard a peep from her since the 1st, and it was very quick and to the point, not like it used to be at all) I "caved in" and sent her a text message to congratulate her on her new job, first (wanting be positive, of course) and told her that I'm so happy for her in that regard, how she will excel and be great at the role (and I meant it, of course, because she will!), and that I hope her first day goes great. I also went ahead and told her that if I had overwhelmed her or hurt her in any way, or that if I triggered an emotional response to engulf her, in any way, that I was sorry, and that it wasn't intentional, but that I would feel the same way (validation?). I told her that I respect her space, and mentioned that I know that she needs that to cope or deal with her emotions. I went on to mention that I care about how these things affect her, because as my dear friend, she's important to me. I told her that if she comes to a point where she feels less overwhelmed and that she wanted to talk, I'm here and would love to hear from her, with any new news, updates, how she's doing, etc., and I therefore went on to make it a point to tell her that I'd like to hear updates on those coming BPD therapy sessions that she has lined up, that I know she'll benefit, and that I'm cheering for her. I told her again that I was sorry if I had overwhelmed her, and that I'm open to hearing from her when/if she felt like talking, and then at the end sent her a message of encouragement and joy. What more can a person do in a situation like this?

I think that one of the biggest mistakes that I made is not doing more in-depth research on BPD when she initially told me that she had it when we first began "talking." I had heard of it, but really didn't investigate as I should, which is typically unlike me, because I've always been one to dig deeper into a person's disorder, particuarly those that are dear to me, but I feel like had I learned what I know now, I know for absolute certain that I would have watched my step closer, I would have said certain things differently, and so on.

The truth is, she's a dear friend to me, and I feel like she is ignoring me suddenly, and it's painful, and it may be to "focus on herself," and that's great! I want that! but there's definitely been a shift, a "pull," and the silence is, as so many people have discovered, is like torment, like a knife sitting inside of your chest, twisting, spinning, in slow-motion. However, one thing that I've come to realize, which has helped me immensely, is that this is a disorder and this silence is her coping/defense mechanism, etc., and reading other peoples' experiences with ST was very helpful to me, and so I'm grateful. I just don't want to lose her as a friend, most importantly!

Tomorrow is her birthday, and I'm planning to send her a text message to wish her Happy Birthday, and perhaps just keep it simple and to the point. If I don't receive a response from her, it won't be surprising at this point, but I'm still going to do it.

The great thing is that she aready knows that she needs help and is planning to get therapy for it, and I've just been so encouraging and telling her that she should do it and that I'm cheering for her. What else can one do? I care for her so greatly, and this has been quite difficult to have her pull back as she has, completely giving me the ST. I've been focusing more on me these days, although the echoes of such silent treatment still lingers throughout me from time to time, but after coming to an illuminating reality of the 'whys' and so on, it has really helped me to gain a broader understanding to discern it all! I feel like kicking myself over and over (haha!) for not investigating, studying, researching and learning more about it BEFORE the emotional investments came into play.

I'm so appreciative of all of the kind words here, for this family, for the endless articles that I've read and all of the stories that I've read that have really helped to 'calm the waves' in certain ways. It was shocking for me to discover how many people have had the silent treatment happen to them, and often times there are success stories with it, and this is most beautiful thing to me.

Some of the things that cross my mind often are the following:

"Is she rooting me out of her life, for good, with this silent treatment?"

"Will this be temporary, or long-term?"

":)oes she not think of me anymore; am I just a blank in her life now? am I just a nothing? am I rubbed out and have become null and void?" (this is painful to consider, but pretty shocking!)

"Should I not say anything else and let the ball stay in her court? or should I keep encouraging her with texts, or would that, in her mind, be a form of weakness because of 'letting down barriers'?"

The questions are perpetual, seemingly infinite, and continue rolling like waves... .

Thank you all for listening!

[MaroonLiquid]

"Should I not say anything else and let the ball stay in her court?

Honestly, I would let her be.  Do not contact her again.  She knows "where to find you".  I understand how difficult the ST can be.  It's excruciating.  You just have to let her be.

[lovers knot]

"Should I not say anything else and let the ball stay in her court?

Honestly, I would let her be.  Do not contact her again.  She knows "where to find you".  I understand how difficult the ST can be.  It's excruciating.  You just have to let her be.

MaroonLiquid, I think you're right.

Question for you (or anyone who sees this):

Would it be a mistake to wish her a happy birthday tomorrow, or should I just stay silent? I could wish her a happy birthday, and then after that, "leave her be"?

You start thinking of all of these 'pros' and 'cons', these 'what ifs' and 'whatnots' and on it goes.

"If I say Happy Birthday, would she cringe, and think I'm weak? or would seeing that make her happy, and would she enjoy receiving it?"

I feel like I'm right in the middle of Shakespeare's The Tempest!

[lovers knot]

I should also reiterate that she and I were never "lovers" and were not romantically involved in any way, although I, myself, fell in love with her, and acted completely ridiculous by showing such emotion in the way that I did. She told me before that I'm a "light in her darkness," that I'm "the sweetest person in her life," that she's grateful to me, that she loves me, that I "came into her life to save it" (or help it), and so on, and these things were said within the last two weeks, but again, my problem was that I wasn't deeply aware of BPD as I am NOW, versus THEN, so I have a broader illumination of what I'm dealing with now, which has helped. I was going through a rough stretch, dealing with my own personal struggles and issues, and I remember reaching out to her, because I could have used her friendship and needed someone to talk to (this was before I knew greatly about BPD and so on), and I think (I don't know; it's a conjecture on my part) that when she wouldn't answer her phone, I sent her a message and said, "I'm in pain; please call me; I need you," and had I known what I know now, I have to wonder if the "I need you" aspect triggered her, because I noticed an even MORE push back after that! I want so badly to tell her that what I meant by "I need you" was that, "I need to talk to you" and nothing else; perhaps she felt like I was being too clingy?, when in reality, I was just needing a dear friend like her to talk to, but perhaps she wasn't able to handle it?

So many unanswered questions.

Charles Ives "The Unanswered Question" is playing over and over in my head now... .

I just want to tell her, "Look, I want nothing more than to just be your dear friend" (she called me her "best friend" a couple of weeks ago on the phone) "and I don't want to lose our lovely connection, because I care about you, AS A FRIEND," and so on.

But the silence is deafening. She knows that I mean well, have no hidden agendas, etc., but this silent treatment is rough stuff, as many of you can identify with.

I appreciate all of the kind words of encouragement and the sweetness that comes with being able to tell people about what we Nons go through, in a way that way goes so deeply. I'm so grateful.

[Skip]

The truth is, she's a dear friend to me, and I feel like she is ignoring me suddenly, and it's painful, and it may be to "focus on herself," and that's great! I want that! but there's definitely been a shift, a "pull," and the silence is, as so many people have discovered, is like torment, like a knife sitting inside of your chest, twisting, spinning, in slow-motion. However, one thing that I've come to realize, which has helped me immensely, is that this is a disorder and this silence is her coping/defense mechanism, etc., and reading other peoples' experiences with ST was very helpful to me, and so I'm grateful. I just don't want to lose her as a friend, most importantly!

Stay cool, 'knot.

Give her space and, more importantly, try to stop personalizing it. It's very likely she is just in uber-employee mode.

People with BPD can hyper-focus.  She has a lot going on with a new job.

You don't want to seem needy. You also don't want to seem to be pouting and going no contact.

Just be Mr. Cool upbeat guy who is putting no pressure on. She may need 4-8 weeks to evolve from uber-employee back to friend. Then she may very well show back up as if she never left.

Sucks for you? Yes. Immature? Yes. This is BPD.

If you are going to have a relationship with her, there will be periods like this.  And the worse thing you can do is get obsessed and needy.

Send her a funny birthday greeting. Stay away from anything remotely serious for a few weeks.

Easier said than done.

Yeah.

[butterfly 27]

Hello lovers knot 

Just let her be, she knows where to find you   . One day she will contact you again and will act as if nothing had happened. Now, if you get sending messages and calling all the time, she will ignore you more and more, I have experience in situations like this  .

[lovers knot]

The truth is, she's a dear friend to me, and I feel like she is ignoring me suddenly, and it's painful, and it may be to "focus on herself," and that's great! I want that! but there's definitely been a shift, a "pull," and the silence is, as so many people have discovered, is like torment, like a knife sitting inside of your chest, twisting, spinning, in slow-motion. However, one thing that I've come to realize, which has helped me immensely, is that this is a disorder and this silence is her coping/defense mechanism, etc., and reading other peoples' experiences with ST was very helpful to me, and so I'm grateful. I just don't want to lose her as a friend, most importantly!

Stay cool, 'knot.

Give her space and, more importantly, try to stop personalizing it. It's very likely she is just in uber-employee mode.

People with BPD can hyper-focus.  She has a lot going on with a new job.

You don't want to seem needy. You also don't want to seem to be pouting and going no contact.

Just be Mr. Cool upbeat guy who is putting no pressure on. She may need 4-8 weeks to evolve from uberemployee back to friend. Then she may very well show back up as if she never left.

Sucks for you? Yes. Immature? Yes. This is BPD.

Send her a funny birthday greeting.

Thank you for the kind words of encouragement! I'm going to take this advice and ROLL with it! 

I'll send her a funny birthday greeting and after that, just let it be.

[lovers knot]

Hello lovers knot 

Just let her be, she knows where to find you   . One day she will contact you again and will act as if nothing had happened. Now, if you get sending messages and calling all the time, she will ignore you more and more, I have experience in situations like this  .

I think you're right--this is the best thing to do! Thank you so dearly for the kind words of encouragement here; this is really helping me. I agree, constantly sending her texts, calling all of the time, won't help, and will cause her to ignore more and more, so hey, I'm taking advice from all of you "seasoned vets"!  

Much love! Truly.

Thank you all so much... .

[Skip]

Thank you for the kind words of encouragement! I'm going to take this advice and ROLL with it! 

I'll send her a funny birthday greeting and after that, just let it be.

Let her set the tempo.

If she takes a day to get back on the birthday note, wait a day yourself (don't be obvious).

If she writes a short note, respond with a short not.

Stay fun.

Also, don't waste your time away.  We have very good lessons here to read and there is some working you may want to do do here with others.

In some ways, you over-reacted to 3-4 days of silence. Why not open a topic on that and explore why you are so concerned so fast. Often time, we are contributing to the very things we don't want.  For example, if you are over-reaching with her, in general, that almost assure that she will hold back.

Talk it out!

[lovers knot]

Thank you for the kind words of encouragement! I'm going to take this advice and ROLL with it! 

I'll send her a funny birthday greeting and after that, just let it be.

Let her set the tempo.

If she takes a day to get back on the birthday note, wait a day yourself (don't be obvious).

If she writes a short note, respond with a short not.

Stay fun.

Also, don't waste your time away.  We have very good lessons here to read and there is some working you may want to do do here with others.

In some ways, you over-reacted to 3-4 days of silence. Why not open a topic on that and explore why you are so concerned so fast. Often time, we are contributing to the very things we don't want.  For example, if you are over-reaching with her, in general, that almost assure that she will hold back.

Talk it out!

Thank you, Skip!

I agree that I do think it's been an overreaction to a mere few days of silence, but I think one thing was that there was this total shift, so quickly, and I think having a taste of all of our wonderful messages, our connections, to then feel this sudden turn was a bit concerning. I think that you're right:

1) I overreacted to such a small space of time;

2) I perhaps should have learned more about the disorder before it got too far down the line;

3) I need (and have begun more) to re-focus on me, and not let it bother me that she's gone silent

I won't waste time, and I won't overreach. I'm learning very good lesson here from you all, and I'm taking it all to heart, as it's really helping.

I'll definitely let her set the tempo, and do everything that you mentioned. Great advice, all around, and I'm grateful.

I'll send the birthday message (something funny) and if she responds with a "Thank you!" and nothing else, then I'll just respond with a "You're welcome" and maybe something else funny to go with it, but again, I'll let her set the tempo and keep learning as much as I can about BPD. This has all been so illuminating to me, and I feel like it has opened my eyes to many other things, as well. The positive always supersedes the negative... .

[lovers knot]

Skip/whomever sees this or has followed this or that just started following it:

So, this afternoon I sent a rather comical Happy Birthday Meme image via text to her phone, wished her a happy birthday, kept it fun-loving, threw in inside jokes, and the whole nine yards. Then, I sent her one last text, another Happy Birthday image, which was more straight-forward, that featured one of her most favorite subjects: Gardening. "Happy Birthday" written across the top of an image of garden tools, gloves, a beautiful scene of flowers, and you name it. I told her that I hoped that her birthday this day was a beautiful and rewarding one, and the typical kind words of care.

One thing that I should mention, that I've pondered during this sudden shift, push, etc., is that, I think that my own personal struggles with dealing with this is, not only the silence, but wondering what exactly I did to perhaps create the push and for her to completely go silent on me; I think that this seems to be one 'torment' that Nons go through, I've discovered, is that often times you do not know what it was that triggered her emotions, or if it is a combination of things, but I do have my insights and suspicions, but even with those suspicions, I feel like what I said could've very-well be taken out of proportion, misunderstood, and essentially taken the wrong way, which created the total silent pill that I find myself overdosed on at the moment.

Yes, I may have struggled with this silence and overreacted too quickly, as Skip mentioned (giving only a few days), but I think that one particular aspect of this is the following:

The shift/push began over a week ago--perhaps 10 days ago, or longer (maybe 12 days ago), when barriers were put up. Before this, we texted and talked every single day, for a long time. There wasn't a day that went by where we weren't texting or talking in some fashion, and then when all of this suddenly began to become more quiet, as she grew more distant, as the walls began to go up, the texting and the talking became more loose, etc. Not that I'm not upset that we don't text or talk daily, because it's okay to go for a bit without saying anything--I totally understand that, and it's obviously healthy in some degrees--but in this case, the shift was quite dramatic! In fact, this happened before for a weekend where she was upset, and emotionally distraught, and she said that it wasn't my fault, and that I hadn't done anything to upset her, but she was battling at the time, with many things, as she and her mother I discovered later had an argument and she was a mess. When she returned from there, the texting and talking recommenced, and sweet, loving, kind and dear things were said, and it was fine.

I realize that BPDs go through emotional struggles, and they battle often, and as Skip said, they tend to get hyper-focused (and that's great!), but at this point, tomorrow will be 1 week since I've heard from her, and as much as I find myself learning more and more about why, as I educate myself on this disorder, I realize that it's her disorder, and I'm very compassionate and am just trying to "hang in there" and "hope for the best," and admittedly, this can be like "torture" at times; I'm doing better with re-focusing my energies towards other projects; re-connecting with old friends that I haven't seen in a while; doing fun things; I'm an artist, so I've been really involved with making art and just staying busy, but she's always right there, in the back of my mind, and sometimes it grows, it builds and rises up like lava from a volcano, and it overtakes me!

I suppose when you care about someone so much, and you don't want to lose them, and you have all of these questions that are unanswered, and you're going over and over in your mind as to what it was that caused the trigger, or a combination of things, and you're pondering things that it may or may not have been, and you're all over the place in your head, and there's no communication at all, and you're trying not let it bother you because you understand the disorder, and you're "staying calm" "remaining compassionate" etc., it's still very bothersome at times, because it's absolutely hurtful, this sudden drop-off, without anything. A pin drop. An echo. Nothingness.

Granted, 1 week doesn't seem like much for some, but from the sudden drop off, without any explanations, just total silence, to leaving me wondering what I must have said (and having suspicions as to what it may or may not be), it can really leave me feeling absolutely terrible, and at times, wishing I could take back anything I've said, and of course, wishing I had really investigated, self-educated and delved into this disorder LONG before I did, which I think would've caused a lot less problems (and I wish that I could tell her that!).

Ahh, I just don't want to lose this sweet person as my dearest friend. It's painful, not "knowing" what will happen... .

[lovers knot]

Also:

Before I sent out my Happy Birthday texts today, I began reading up on BPD Birthdays, and the various stories out there with Nons whom have often had 'bad experiences' with BPD Birthdays, because of how it often triggers their "bad childhoods" or whatever it may be, and so I was EXTREMELY ambivalent about sending her the Happy Birthday stuff for these very reasons; albeit, I felt like, if anything, she'd see that I remembered, and was thoughtful to think of her on her day. I am uncertain if she liked it, cringed, or how she felt about it, but at this point, the silent pill is tough to swallow anyway, so I thought, "Why not?"

From this point on, I will choose not to say anything else, for I felt like the "clock" re-started all over again after my texts today, as if it were something like: "Okay, there he is again, texting me; I'm just going to wait even further to say anything at all now" or "That pushes me further, and I'll let even more time pass until I reach out," and then thoughts such as:

"Will she EVER reach out again?"

"Even after 1 week, what is she thinking?"

":)oes she intend to ever talk to me again?"

and on and on and on it goes... .

[EaglesJuju]

Hi lovers knot, 

One thing that I should mention, that I've pondered during this sudden shift, push, etc., is that, I think that my own personal struggles with dealing with this is, not only the silence, but wondering what exactly I did to perhaps create the push and for her to completely go silent on me; I think that this seems to be one 'torment' that Nons go through, I've discovered, is that often times you do not know what it was that triggered her emotions, or if it is a combination of things, but I do have my insights and suspicions, but even with those suspicions, I feel like what I said could've very-well be taken out of proportion, misunderstood, and essentially taken the wrong way, which created the total silent pill that I find myself overdosed on at the moment.

Personal struggles do get in the way of not taking the behavior personally. That is what makes it very hard to understand. Also, if you are looking at this from a perspective of normative behavior, it makes it extra hard.    Honestly, sometimes innocuous things will trigger a pwBPD to go silent or push you away. I have blamed myself and felt guilty for my pwBPD going silent/pushing me away.  I felt like I did not do enough, that is a part of my personal struggles. My pwBPD has said to me, "EaglesJuju, it is not you or anything that you have done, it is me." He is absolutely correct, we cannot change anyone else's behavior or thoughts. Do not be hard on yourself, unfortunately this is a characteristic of the disorder.   

I realize that BPDs go through emotional struggles, and they battle often, and as Skip said, they tend to get hyper-focused (and that's great!), but at this point, tomorrow will be 1 week since I've heard from her, and as much as I find myself learning more and more about why, as I educate myself on this disorder, I realize that it's her disorder, and I'm very compassionate and am just trying to "hang in there" and "hope for the best," and admittedly, this can be like "torture" at times."

As you have been doing, learning about the disorder helps with depersonalizing the behavior. I know how tough it is.   

Granted, 1 week doesn't seem like much for some, but from the sudden drop off, without any explanations, just total silence, to leaving me wondering what I must have said (and having suspicions as to what it may or may not be), it can really leave me feeling absolutely terrible, and at times, wishing I could take back anything I've said, and of course, wishing I had really investigated, self-educated and delved into this disorder LONG before I did, which I think would've caused a lot less problems (and I wish that I could tell her that!).

I understand how difficult it is to cope with the uncertainty. Thinking about the things you could have done can leave you with more guilt and you can eventually make yourself feel worse. Remember, the behavior of a pwBPD can be erratic. There is no way of preventing something with a person who bases their decisions off of frequently vacillating emotions.

[lovers knot]

EaglesJuju, hello, and thank you kindly for the welcome!

Thank you for the kind words, the comforting salve that is needed in times like this--I can say that this is probably the most terrible pain I've ever felt, having to endure the Silent Treatment, and even though I've learned and educated myself, and realized that her mind is on a totally different terrain, a different spectrum, per se, it still hurts, no matter how much knowledge one may obtain, although it DOES help. Perspective from "normative behavior" is indeed extra tough, but like you said, "sometimes innocuous things will trigger a pwBPD to go silent or push you away."

Is your pwBPD still "involved" with you? How long have you gone with having to "endure" silent treatment? When you first went through this, did you "mirror" their behavior at all (as I've read that some people have had success with, in regards to breaking the silence)? What does one say, doesn't say. I think that the uncertainty, the mystery, the feeling of complete hopelessness is one of the primary characteristics that is like a knife twisting in the heart, in slow-motion.

"SET" is something that I am willing to employ, and have already done so, in fact, with my last texts. Have you employed this particular method?

I'm trying so hard with this, but this is all so painful and difficult, although I feel a lot better than I did several days ago. I've been engulfing (no pun intended!) myself in lectures, therapists online, studying maniacally, gaining knowledge, and just totally learning everything that I can, and it has been a very, very interesting illumination!

I agree that their behavior is erratic, and she even told me before that she often has had stormy relationships, with both family and friends, but the great thing that she realizes is that she needs help. In fact, she told me that a couple of weeks ago. She said, "I know that it's time; I know that I need help," and she said that she had therapy sessions aligned soon, so this is something that is such a joy for me to know, for HER own good, mostly.

What did you think about my comments on the Birthday stuff above? I was REALLY struggling yesterday with whether or not I should once again "let down my boundaries" (in her eyes?) and send her kind and loving texts for her Birthday (keeping it fun, funny, and light-hearted, of course!), as I had read plenty of 'bad experiences' from Nons with dealing with their pwBPD's birthdays.

I knew deep down that I wouldn't hear back from her, and my intuition was/is correct: I've yet to hear from her about the birthday wishes, and that's perfectly fine; I realize that she is obviously wanting to keep all of this as silent as she can right now, so it is what it is.

One thing that's interesting, that you've probably discovered, is that (and I've read similar stories and experiences about this) even though there's this silent treatment, the total "ice age" thing going on, where you've been pushed away, a lot of times the pwBPD will not completely disregard you by removing you from their lives altogether. For example, they won't block you anywhere, or remove you from Facebook, or whatever it may  be.

My pwBPD dear friend had a TERRIBLE situation occur with a man that she was dating in her life about a year ago, where he truly was a "control freak" (her words), and (to make this short, sweet and to the point), she ended up going to London with him, and he asked far too much from her, wanted more conversation, to the point where he snapped, and left her in the middle of London, ran off down the street, totally abandoning her (abandonment being a crux for the pwBPD, as you know), in which case she went after him, if I recall correctly, not being able to understand how he could just leave her alone, with nowhere to go, as he did. It was insanity. They eventually found one another, and he had a ticket bought for her to have her sent back home.

I noticed that, regardless of how she says that he was a control freak, how he did this to her (which was terrible!), by leaving her like this, and how "difficult" she said that he was to get along with, she still keeps him as a friend on Facebook.

And then I'm thinking to MYself: "Is this how it is with ME?"

She has often said that, in her past, certain men would say to her (which she hated!): "I just want to get inside of your head to see your brain ticks" and these kinds of things, and she said to me that when she'd hear this, she'd "flee to the hills" to get away from them. I told her, "I don't want to do that, as I just want you to be yourself," and she told me that she had never had anyone tell her that before, which was a relief.

Anyway, my point is:

I find it interesting that, rather that completely removing someone in their life--one that they want to ignore, perhaps get away from, use the silent treatment on, etc.--they'll just keep them around, won't completely remove them, and I read somewhere where this is quite 'common'(?) for BPD's, since in their minds, totally blocking out the individual/the Non has to do with their feeling of empowerment? because they know that they still have a level of control over the person if they're "still around" (albeit FAR FAR FAR out in outer space in distance!), they're indeed "still around" (they haven't been removed from their lives altogether, etc.). I suppose, perhaps, by removing their Non altogether, there'd be no chance of the "pull" again (if it ever came to that, in their minds)?

How wrong am I?

How would you assess this?

... .and it's painful to think that perhaps now I'm suddenly one of these people that she has 'fled to the hills' to get away from? It's painful to even consider, but there are so many thoughts that go through a Non's head during these times, as you know.

Thank you so much for reading all of this, and for sharing your thoughts, ideas, help, encouragement and everything else that comes with it! I'm very grateful and appreciative of ANY conversation, because it truly does help to converse with those that understand, have been through this, and so on.

[lovers knot]

One last question, to add to my last comment:

I really, really wish that she knew that I knew a lot more about her disorder NOW than I did before, but I wonder how much it would "matter" if I were to inform her that I've been doing a lot of research on BPD, learning, studying, educating myself, etc. on all of this? Would it even have any significance? It's difficult to say, of course, but it's just a thought.

I think of things such as this:

"If she knew that I'm illuminated about her silent treatment, how would that make her feel?" (Obviously it is no secret for anyone to learn about it, but I wonder if she wants me to know that this is perhaps a punishment for me? or her way of coping or a defense mechanism? perhaps she wants me to know about these things, considering she once told me that she wishes that people would research BPD and find out all of the reasons for her behavior, the way she copes, deals, and the whole shebang).

The oceans of complexities with this disorder run deeply, and these kinds of thoughts always come to mind.

I truly do feel like some of the things I have said to her, amidst my own struggles and 'life problems', may have triggered her to feel over-emotionally drained, and she felt like she pushing me away was the best thing to do. I just wish that I could inform her that my words were perhaps misunderstood--at least some of the things that I've said which I suspect may have been triggers--but who knows... .

I do have hope that we will converse again one day. It would be a terrible loss for me to lose a dear friend like her.

So many thoughts! It's a perpetual, neverending swirl of possibilities, uncertainties and mysteriousness.

[rotiroti]

I think you've had excellent advice here -- to give her space and keep your cool. When she's ready to return as a friend, she will. BPD or not, not adhering to a friend's request can push them away.

I see that you really try to personalize her feelings or to apply how you would think to how she does -- as you discover and learn more about BPD you'll know that you can't do that.

You mentioned you read about how BPD birthdays can go wrong. It's the same story with telling the pwBPD that you know about the condition. It can come off as condescending. I know what you are doing are for noble reasons, but they sometimes can have the wrong result.

Did you refrain from sending the b-day message?

[lovers knot]

I think you've had excellent advice here -- to give her space and keep your cool. When she's ready to return as a friend, she will. BPD or not, not adhering to a friend's request can push them away.

I see that you really try to personalize her feelings or to apply how you would think to how she does -- as you discover and learn more about BPD you'll know that you can't do that.

You mentioned you read about how BPD birthdays can go wrong. It's the same story with telling the pwBPD that you know about the condition. It can come off as condescending. I know what you are doing are for noble reasons, but they sometimes can have the wrong result.

Did you refrain from sending the b-day message?

Thank you, friend, for the kind words! I agree that the advice here has been so wonderful, and has really helped me. Sometimes I'll feel fine for a while, and then suddenly, out of nowhere, it just hits me, you know? I mean, the sadness of it all. I agree that I just need to give her space and keep my cool, and hope that she says something, anything, at some point down the road. I realize that it seems petty that my pwBPD's silence has only been for 1 week now, but it really all began with quick one-liners and small talk and barrier-building a while ago, but the anti-communication is really the battle at times, but like you said, trying to personalize it is perhaps my greatest downfall, and I'm just trying SO HARD not to do that.

As one that is compassionate, gentle and loving, I know that I'm able to stay strong and realize that it is something that she will have to deal with, and I just pray that this silence isn't the end-all. What a way to just toss in the towel, eh? I suppose it's all too common for Nons, but it's a reality that we've all had to face.

I think that you're absolutely correct about the trouble that people have had with the birthdays/holidays. One thing I will say is this:

I realize that if I told her that I've educated myself on the 'whys' and such of her condition that it may come off as condescending, but she told me, herself, that she wishes that people would educate themselves on it more so that they (her family, especially, and her friends) can understand her conditions and why she acts the way that she acts in a better capacity, or at least in a more illuminating way, and this is what I've been doing, to the utmost degree.

Sometimes I just want to tell her how 'hard' I've been trying to educate myself, but then wonder if that would even have an effect, which, truth be told, I feel like it wouldn't.

As for your question, I DID indeed send the birthday texts to her on the 7th, yesterday, after battling about whether or not I should. The moderator, Skip, above in the comments, suggested that I send her a birthday greetings, but keep it fun-loving, light-hearted and funny, and "stay fun," etc. and I took that to heart and felt like it would be a good idea, and so I went with it (after really holding myself back for a while). I thought, "did she cringe when she saw it?" or, "did this push her back even further?" and the questions are endless!

[lovers knot]

Here's something that I would be interested in hearing a discussion about, and that is this (which came to me earlier):

BPD's are afraid of being abandoned, as is obvious and well acknowledged at this point, but often times, as I've studied and learned through other peoples' stories, experiences, etc., it is the BPD that will go ahead and initiate the abandoning of their Non, because they're afraid that THEY (the pwBPD) will eventually be abandoned, so by going ahead and abandoning their friend, spouse, family member, whomever, this keeps them from having to become abandoned by them (in their minds), even if the Non has said repeatedly that they would NEVER abandon them. Is this pattern of abandonment a kind of "wish" for mere validation of their own IDEA that their Non would perhaps abandon them? If they fear abandonment, when they themselves abandon, do they somehow think that pushing away the Non will somehow get the Non to abandon them, which would therefore VALIDATE their abandonment concern/anxiety/worry? (I sound like a broken record now, but it is what it is).

If they know that the person has promised that they wouldn't abandon them, obviously one of the factors of their disorder relies on the idea of being abandoned, so they don't take these comforts from Nons to heart, because they truly believe that they will eventually be abandoned?

I think I'll start a new topic/thread with this, although I'm sure it has been answered repeatedly in the past, but it wouldn't hurt to get it rolling again, I wouldn't think... .