Tired but too loyal and caring

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello,

I befriended a girl a bit more than 3 years ago. She was quite a bit younger, but sought my help a lot and I was almost like a demi-god to her.
However... I didn't see the signs of Borderline back then or I didn't want to see them... .I even thought about my previous experiences with a Borderline friend and felt lucky that this was finally different.

However, she had friends. The ones you may recall seeing in movies like Mean Girls. I sometimes heard her friends telling her why the hell she would ask for my help, but she didn't seem to care back then.

She told me a LOT about her personal life over the years and she seemed like a very different person outside her 'Mean Girls' group. She seemed even shy and caring (VERY different from her behaviour inside the group). It looked like I was the only person who she really trusted to be her true self around.

But in the third year, she and her friends were further moving up in their adolescence. But instead of becoming more and more mature, all of a sudden her behaviour changed dramatically. Her friends had quite the role in that, but I was painted black, I was suddenly the weird guy etc. etc.

When I asked her about it, she basically said nothing was the matter. When I asked for a conversation about this sudden change, she came with a lot of excuses. When I proposed to stop contact altogether for a while, she said this was absolutely not her intention.
I did not understand the situation AT ALL and asked to talk about it. A lot of excuses and when I finally confronted her with that she gave me the Silent Treatment.

It didn't matter whether I tried to fix things or did nothing. Things got worse and worse. Rumors spread. "I was stalking her, although she clearly stated to leave her alone" etc etc
However... .this was all a lie. When I noticed her buzzing like a bee around me again, I mailed her that my conclusion was absolutely no contact.
After months of Silent Treatment she sent me several e-mails saying this was not what she wanted. She didn't apologize, but in a way it felt like an apology.
However... I did not trust her yet so I didn't reach out again for a while. And rightly so, because I learned that she was spreading new rumours via her friends that I was AGAIN reaching out and stalking her... .

Long story short: after a few months I DID reach out again and wanted closure. However, she replied in a way which reminded me of her old self. She seemed to be normal again.

After all this time I cared deeply for her. So I tried to excuse her old behaviour. Maybe it was just a late puberty thing (can go on until age 25 in some cases)? Maybe she caught feelings for me and did not know how to deal with it? Maybe she was terribly influenced by her friends? People who should know basically were all convinced of a combination of those three things.

And the true professionals eventually mentioned Borderline. That one label I desperately tried to avoid... .They said it is a recurring thing. That I am the caretaker. That is my strength, but every few years my weakness as well...

I do not even care about the label anymore, but I care for her. And I just do not know what to do anymore.

She continued to behave in her 'normal' way for 2 months. Then, out of the blue, she started to accuse me all over again. I wanted to talk about it, she did not. Eventually I send her a mail for closure. I did not expect her to reply or ever talk to me again.

However... she did... .she replied (but in a completely superficial way, without addressing any of my points). The next weeks she even unexpectedly greeted me quite loudly and wished me a happy birthday.

But... .almost two weeks later, when I congratulated her with her recent achievement in sports, she ignored me again. I asked her about that, but she is giving me the Silent Treatment again...

I... just... don't... know... what... to... do... .anymore... .

I care too much to just 'let it go'. But I cannot deal with this behaviour... .

[EdR]

Hello,

I befriended a girl a bit more than 3 years ago. She was quite a bit younger, but sought my help a lot and I was almost like a demi-god to her.
However... I didn't see the signs of Borderline back then or I didn't want to see them... .I even thought about my previous experiences with a Borderline friend and felt lucky that this was finally different.

However, she had friends. The ones you may recall seeing in movies like Mean Girls. I sometimes heard her friends telling her why the hell she would ask for my help, but she didn't seem to care back then.

She told me a LOT about her personal life over the years and she seemed like a very different person outside her 'Mean Girls' group. She seemed even shy and caring (VERY different from her behaviour inside the group). It looked like I was the only person who she really trusted to be her true self around.

But in the third year, she and her friends were further moving up in their adolescence. But instead of becoming more and more mature, all of a sudden her behaviour changed dramatically. Her friends had quite the role in that, but I was painted black, I was suddenly the weird guy etc. etc.

When I asked her about it, she basically said nothing was the matter. When I asked for a conversation about this sudden change, she came with a lot of excuses. When I proposed to stop contact altogether for a while, she said this was absolutely not her intention.
I did not understand the situation AT ALL and asked to talk about it. A lot of excuses and when I finally confronted her with that she gave me the Silent Treatment.

It didn't matter whether I tried to fix things or did nothing. Things got worse and worse. Rumors spread. "I was stalking her, although she clearly stated to leave her alone" etc etc
However... .this was all a lie. When I noticed her buzzing like a bee around me again, I mailed her that my conclusion was absolutely no contact.
After months of Silent Treatment she sent me several e-mails saying this was not what she wanted. She didn't apologize, but in a way it felt like an apology.
However... I did not trust her yet so I didn't reach out again for a while. And rightly so, because I learned that she was spreading new rumours via her friends that I was AGAIN reaching out and stalking her... .

Long story short: after a few months I DID reach out again and wanted closure. However, she replied in a way which reminded me of her old self. She seemed to be normal again.

After all this time I cared deeply for her. So I tried to excuse her old behaviour. Maybe it was just a late puberty thing (can go on until age 25 in some cases)? Maybe she caught feelings for me and did not know how to deal with it? Maybe she was terribly influenced by her friends? People who should know basically were all convinced of a combination of those three things.

And the true professionals eventually mentioned Borderline. That one label I desperately tried to avoid... .They said it is a recurring thing. That I am the caretaker. That is my strength, but every few years my weakness as well...

I do not even care about the label anymore, but I care for her. And I just do not know what to do anymore.

She continued to behave in her 'normal' way for 2 months. Then, out of the blue, she started to accuse me all over again. I wanted to talk about it, she did not. Eventually I send her a mail for closure. I did not expect her to reply or ever talk to me again.

However... she did... .she replied (but in a completely superficial way, without addressing any of my points). The next weeks she even unexpectedly greeted me quite loudly and wished me a happy birthday.

But... .almost two weeks later, when I congratulated her with her recent achievement in sports, she ignored me again. I asked her about that, but she is giving me the Silent Treatment again...

I... just... don't... know... what... to... do... .anymore... .

I care too much to just 'let it go'. But I cannot deal with this behaviour... .

[formflier]

Hey... .so, did her friends behavior change or did hers?  It is obvious at some point hers changed, but were you initially asking her about her friends... .or about her behavior.

I know it's water under the bridge now, but it is important to understand how one came to be... .where they are.

Relationships of any type with a borderline can be quite confusing, mainly because they will "seem to follow our rules"... .then... .POOF... .switch... .then... .POOF... .switch back, and want to act like it never happened.

We nons are left scratching our heads. 

Does that experience ring true with you?

FF

[EdR]

Hey... .so, did her friends behavior change or did hers?  It is obvious at some point hers changed, but were you initially asking her about her friends... .or about her behavior.

I know it's water under the bridge now, but it is important to understand how one came to be... .where they are.

Relationships of any type with a borderline can be quite confusing, mainly because they will "seem to follow our rules"... .then... .POOF... .switch... .then... .POOF... .switch back, and want to act like it never happened.

We nons are left scratching our heads. 

Does that experience ring true with you?

FF

Unfortunately... .yep your example rings very true indeed. And I remember it from a confirmed BPD case as well :-(
I could never talk about the weird stuff that happened. It was indeed 'let's pretend nothing happened'. Until another 'POOF' moment came that is... .


Considering your other question: No, hers changed and I initially asked her about that. Her friends have always just been the typical 'mean girls'. Well... .at least her two closest friends were.
It is like she needs them to get her share of attention and to maintain a certain level of popularity or something like that.
Two of her other friends within the same group were similar, but not 'mean girl'-like at all! They even warned me about her 'painting me black' and never understood her behaviour either. But they got shoved away by her, when she didn't get the 'support' she wanted. They're still friends, but pushed in her 'outer circle' now.

[formflier]

OK... .here is the deal.

Going forward, please believe that this is the relationship she is offering to you.

She is likely not planning "poof" moments.  Those are likely emotionally driven, vice a plot to drive you batty.  I do realize it can sometimes "look like a plot", but... it's unlikely that is the case.

It's also just as likely that she is just as befuddled as you are about YOUR strange behavior.  Strange to her anyway. 

When she "poofs"... .she "erases the whiteboard", like it never ever happened.  Again... .likely not a conscious thing.

All of my above statements are pretty general, but for your purposes, you can apply them to this relationship.

So... .if you want to continue this r/s... .go for it.  Please don't expect a different result.

If you have no interest in "poof"... .then best to move along and mourn what you believed you had. 

How does this strike you?

FF

[EdR]

I would just wish to continue in a way that respects our bond.

A possible future relationship in the traditional husband/wife sense, would seem to be out of the question anyway. I would probably only get hurt even more and possible children would eventually suffer as well.

But that's the problem here... .I do not think she would be able to be true friends with me anymore. And that's because I do think she cares or at least cared for me as well. And this level of emotional bond is in my experience the scariest thing for a person with Borderline. On the one hand they desire this kind of bond, but on the other hand they seem to have great difficulty when experiencing such a bond. They're far better at dealing with superficial, more sexual attention.

But I would just really wish to be able to continue supporting her as a friend... .

[formflier]

  And that's because I do think she cares or at least cared for me as well.

Gotcha... .

Listen... .nothing is stopping you from doing "your part".  I would wager a guess that you are interested in "her part"... .or "her feedback" on how you do things.  Such as appreciation and all that.

Am I pretty close on my assumption?

Well... .here is the thing.

You know it's a crapshoot.  That's not going to change.  Soo... .if you are going with your part and not hers... .go for it. 

If part of this is about what she does in return, any future is likely to be painful.  Because it will be "perfect"... then "poof"... .gone... .then "poof" she will paint you black... then "poof"... it never happened.

So... .where does that leave you?

FF

[EdR]

Gotcha... .

Listen... .nothing is stopping you from doing "your part".  I would wager a guess that you are interested in "her part"... .or "her feedback" on how you do things.  Such as appreciation and all that.

Am I pretty close on my assumption?

Well... .here is the thing.

You know it's a crapshoot.  That's not going to change.  Soo... .if you are going with your part and not hers... .go for it. 

If part of this is about what she does in return, any future is likely to be painful.  Because it will be "perfect"... then "poof"... .gone... .then "poof" she will paint you black... then "poof"... it never happened.

So... .where does that leave you?

FF

I know that. But that doesn't make the situation any easier. When I care about someone I am not just reasoning on a rational level, but far more on an emotional level. Or at least a combination of those two.

Otherwise it would be quite easy: this drama just is NOT worth my time.

[EdR]

I don't know if double posts are frowned upon... so sorry in advance.

But to clarify my difficulties, some simple examples:

-) I REALLY would like to break the silence. And I know from previous experience that at one point the silence can or will be broken. However... it will just be like nothing ever happened at all. I guess that explaining how hurtful the Silent Treatment is to me, won't trigger the desired response. So I just try to keep my distance
---) But then... .what should I do when she simply starts greeting me again without clearly breaking the Silent Treatment? Start a conversation and risk a fallout again? Text her again? Check if she really stopped her ST?
Or simply say 'hello' and nothing more or even ignore her?
---) Let's say there will be no contact until her birthday... .would I simply ignore that too? Or 'be the grown up' and send her a simple 'Happy Birthday' text? But wouldn't that start everything all over again? But then... .should I really just ignore her birthday... .?

Everything that I must do to protect my own happiness just sounds plain mean to me. And I really do not know if I am capable of ignoring her birthday?

[formflier]

Don't worry about "being mean"... .that puts you at a disadvantage.

Big picture question: 

If she doesn't want to talk to you... .why would you want to talk to her?

FF

[EdR]

Don't worry about "being mean"... .that puts you at a disadvantage.

Big picture question: 

If she doesn't want to talk to you... .why would you want to talk to her?

FF

Because I am not like her. I like to talk things through, make up, give someone a second chance (or tenth chance for that matter).

I could not imagine giving the people I care about the Silent Treatment. And I would still like to 'fix things' because I care.

I do understand what you're saying though. It is just really hard. The birthday example  I gave is a clear indication of my troubles :-p