Does the yelling ever stop?

[aCoffeeJunky]

I am very new to the board. Honestly, I had made my introduction post and then completely changed my mind... I can do this on my own, I've got it covered. We're good. But my oh my, I couldn't be more wrong. I can't vent to my friends and family any more because they've heard it so much I think they are sick of me. So now I'm back... .and leaning on y'all.

I am surrounded by her yelling. DD17 shows no remorse what so ever for anything she says or does. She verbally attacks anyone (including myself) who questions her. She takes things that don't belong to her. She lies. And she yells ALL THE TIME. I walk away from her and tell her "I am not going to continue this conversation because it is not getting either of us anywhere." and I walk away. But she follows me, trying to hit my trigger so I'll give in to a fight. A fight that I don't want to have. But in a nano-second she's back with the catalog for her senior class ring... and we have to look at it now because orders are due in next week and if I'm not going to buy her one she'll just call her Grandma because she knows Grandma will buy it for her.

holy crap on a cracker, are you serious?

When I try to tell her that after her actions (5 seconds ago) I will not reward her by looking at and ordering a class ring that is $300 she gets even angrier and it starts anew.

How do I avoid the yelling? How do I get her to express some level of concern for anyone other than herself?


*deep breath*

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[crazedncrazymom]

Oh my does that sound so familiar.  You've come to the right place.  You must be so sick and tired of all the fighting and arguing.  I was in your shoes not too long ago. 

If you not heard of our favorite books around here let me be the first to introduce them to you.  Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder by Valerie Porr, which is a great book to learn about what your dd is going through and gives you an idea of how respond better.   I don't have to make everything all better by Gary Lundbert.  That one is my favorite since I am a classic rescuer and at least 50% of my arguments with dd came from me trying so hard to make everything all better and her just not being all better.

I would suggest a family contract.  We all respect each other and do not yell and attack each other.  If we are angry we will take time to calm down and then talk about what's going on.  With my dd I usually follow it up with I love you so much and we both end up hurt and angry when we yell so we can't do that to each other.

I know what you mean about not being able to vent to family/friends anymore.  My dd was just in the hospital last week and when everyone asked how she was I was like... oh she's doing great.  It's really hard feeling so alone with all this.

Hope that helped!

[mom2bkl]

Thanks for posting aCoffeeJunky... .I have asked this question so many times as well. It becomes so incredibly draining to have that constant battle. The only time it seems to end is when they are not home. My dd18 has moved in with her BF recently and honestly even though it goes against our family "values" there has been so much relief. On Sunday morning she came home to hang out while her BF was at work and we were getting ready to go to church... .I very kindly told her that it is very confusing to her 10-yo brother when she comes home to lie in the bathtub while the rest of us go to church and maybe she could wait until we are home from church to come home in future... .well... .lets just say the world almost ended! Hasn't been home since... .but TEXTED her dad last night to let me know she would be dropping by to go to a Group Step class with me tomorrow. Go figure... .try to find yourself some quiet places... .put a lock on the bathroom door and take LOTS of showers! The loud noise drowns out all the yelling:)

Hang in there... .we mommies (and dads) WILL make it through!

[pessim-optimist]

Hi guys,

Yelling is not easy to deal with... .   

And just like any other unwanted behavior - if you put a boundary on it - the behaviors do get worse, before the pwBPD learns that yelling does not get them the results they were used to. It is very tough, but it is absolutely essential to be consistent and not to give in. If we do give in, what happens is - we in fact re-inforce the bad behavior, and we are where we were before, only worse off... .

So, think it through before you set any boundaries, and don't give in!

Here's a couple of links in the ':)iscussions' at the top of this board that you might find helpful. Let me know what you think:

BPD Behaviors: Extinction Burst and Intermittent Reinforcement?

TOOLS: Positive Reinforcement

[lbjnltx]

Hello coffeejunky,

Glad you are here and looking for support.  The moms understand, we have been there!

Crazedncrazy mom and mom2bkl illustrated a helpful responses in their posts... .it can be helpful to put a "name" to the action of walking away... .like "taking self time" or "taking a time out".  This is a positive and intentional act that is actually a higher level coping skill.  As parents we can model the behaviors/skills we want our children to use.  It can also come under our boundaries of not being yelled at or engaging in circular arguments.  So... .if we are being yelled at, called names, blamed for their feelings or thoughts and affective communication breaks down we can say something like:

"I can see that this is important to you.  I would like to work this out.  The yelling has upset me so right now I need to take self time and calm myself.  When we are both calm and have had time to think this through we can talk again."

What do you think

lbjnltx

[radioguitarguy]

I am very new to the board. Honestly, I had made my introduction post and then completely changed my mind... I can do this on my own, I've got it covered. We're good. But my oh my, I couldn't be more wrong. I can't vent to my friends and family any more because they've heard it so much I think they are sick of me. So now I'm back... .and leaning on y'all.

I am surrounded by her yelling. DD17 shows no remorse what so ever for anything she says or does. She verbally attacks anyone (including myself) who questions her. She takes things that don't belong to her. She lies. And she yells ALL THE TIME. I walk away from her and tell her "I am not going to continue this conversation because it is not getting either of us anywhere." and I walk away. But she follows me, trying to hit my trigger so I'll give in to a fight. A fight that I don't want to have. But in a nano-second she's back with the catalog for her senior class ring... and we have to look at it now because orders are due in next week and if I'm not going to buy her one she'll just call her Grandma because she knows Grandma will buy it for her.

holy crap on a cracker, are you serious?

When I try to tell her that after her actions (5 seconds ago) I will not reward her by looking at and ordering a class ring that is $300 she gets even angrier and it starts anew.

How do I avoid the yelling? How do I get her to express some level of concern for anyone other than herself?


*deep breath*

Hi ACJ... .

WOW have you come to the right place! About 12 or 13 years ago when our son was diagnosed at 17, the yelling got to the point where I was just about ready to call it quits. My wife was the yeller and I was the quiet one. Have you ever noticed that yelling at one another is soo unproductive in the face of any kind of argument. My wife and I decided to start seeing a therapist who offered DBT therapy. Don't get me wrong, the books that are suggested here can be life savers too. We've read them all. By seeing our dbt therapist once a week, we were able to learn how to communicate with our DS. After a couple of months all the yelling stopped because we learned how to have a discussion with him without raising our voices. Ya know what he said? "Wow, since you and Mom have been going to therapy, you've gotten better."

We've been "doing this" now for 13 years and even though the yelling has stopped, the day to day challenges of having a 29 year old DS living in your house can be stressful to say the least. Not only will you learn how to help your DD but you will also learn how to take care of yourself and taking care of yourself is so very important!

Welcome aboard... .we're here for you anytime you need us. The comfort and support I've found by these amazing people on this message board has been incredible!

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, aCoffeeJunky & let me welcome you with everyone else. You've gotten lots of great advice here, and some good links for information that should be invaluable to you in learning how to deal with your daughter. I'm wondering if you've had the chance to poke around this site yet? All of us parents have dealt with the symptoms and behaviors that you've been dealing with, and there is some great Suggested Reading for members who are supporting a son or daughter with BPD that can help you. Here are some other good links:

What can a parent do?

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

I'm here because my own adult son was recently diagnosed with BPD at 36, and that means I've had lots of years of yelling, out of control anger and other traumatic BPD behaviors to deal with in the past. What the amazing thing is, when I came here and learned about why he was acting the way he was, and then found out how to communicate with him better so that I stopped pushing every one of his buttons, he started reacting in calmer, more "normal" ways! I found that once I changed my behavior, he changed his! I cannot tell you how much better things are now, and they started getting better the minute (and I'm not exaggerating!) I used validation (the tool that taught me how to stop pushing his buttons) when talking to him. Please look at all the information people have been giving you, and read, read, read. It really will help