Did an Internet search for her and saw a pic

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello everyone, it's been a while since I posted on here. I thought things were getting better for me since the breakup with my uxBPDgf about a year or so ago,  but I started ruminating about things and how she destroyed me and I did an Internet search for her and saw her picture... .now I'm hurting again  I can't believe I did that... .i should of known better  to everyone else out there who might be tempted to do what I did... .don't do it! Now I have to pull myself out of this depression once again... .ugh

[BlackandBlue]

Hello everyone, it's been a while since I posted on here. I thought things were getting better for me since the breakup with my uxBPDgf about a year or so ago,  but I started ruminating about things and how she destroyed me and I did an Internet search for her and saw her picture... .now I'm hurting again  I can't believe I did that... .i should of known better  to everyone else out there who might be tempted to do what I did... .don't do it! Now I have to pull myself out of this depression once again... .ugh

[healingslowly12]

Oh no, I'm sorry this happened.  I bet, though, that it will not hurt as much or as long this time?  Please keep us updated.

[coldmist]

Regularly looking at my exBPDgf's Facebook caused desensitization. It used to really bother me to see pics of her but now it doesn't effect me at all. I did the same thing as you BlackandBlue when I was ruminating after I was discarded and it opened the wounds back up. I'd recommend either desensitizing yourself or just stop yourself from ever looking.

[ppb2la]

BlackandBlue,

I did something dumb today also.

I am on an online dating site and noticed that my uBPDbf has a new photo where he looked really haggard and thin and clearly hadn't shaved for a few days.

He had broken up with me 11 times in 5 months ! This last time, he stormed out as I had lit a candle in my living room without asking his permission. He had arrived on my door step that night as his lease had been up about 11 days before, and he had been staying in a hotel. He had left it that morning and came to my place unannounced in a foul mood planning to stay at least the night or a lot longer.

I sent him an email while he was driving to I don't know where after he left telling him that I knew he had both BPD and NPD and needed help. It was sent in a spirit of love and care, but with my telling him that I needed to get off the roller coaster.

Anyway, this evening I ended up breaking my 2 + week NC and trying to call him on my cell to see if he were okay- it went to vm after two rings ,so he probably had blocked me. Then I tried him on my landline ,and he answered but when he knew it was I , he hung up.

I have him blocked on all of my emails and had blocked him on my cell until I read the myths about BPD in yesterday's thread  and started to second- guess my NC - that it may have been too harsh.

I feel a bit disappointed in myself now that I was weak. I know I don't want him in my life for all the reasons we often reiterate on here. However, I guess I wanted him to feel he could have a friend to call if he needed to talk.

So, don't feel dumb about what you did. We are all human and prone to weakness.

[enlighten me]

I agree with coldmist that desensitising can be useful. I have contact with both my uBPD exs  as we have kids. Before seeing the for exchanges I wouldnt sleep very well and would get stressed out. Now I sleep like a baby ( I dont mean I soil myself and wake up three or four times sceaming)   

If you have to have contact then desensitising can be a good thing. If not and theres no chanceof seeing them again then all you will do is torture yourself.

[BlackandBlue]

Thanks everyone for replying. This whole BPD breakup has been the most difficult thing I've ever dealt with in my life. Over the past year the amount of pain and suffering has been horrendous! I am so greatful for these forums cause it's all I have in the was way of support. But seeing her pic was the first time I've seen her in almost a year and I didn't think it would bother me that much but I was wrong. As far as desensitizing myself, you mean by looking at it enough it got to the point where it didn't bother you? ppb2la, I'm sorry you are going that stuff. It really is hard to stop caring sometimes... .i guess it's my codependent issues I've got going on with myself. For the longest time I struggled with wanting to contact her and see if she was ok even thou she told me she didn't want me to care about her anymore.

[ppb2la]

BlackandBlue,

I know exactly what you mean about still caring. Even though it was a VERY dysfunctional r/s, I still feel love for him. I know he is in complete denial about his personality disorders. I continue to pray for his well-being.

I ,like you , am a classic co-dependent. My T has recommended I read that Melanie (?) Beattie book Co-Dependent No More

Hang in there! I am so glad we have this BPD forum. I immediately got on here tonight when I attempted to break NC earlier.

[BlackandBlue]

I believe my ex knew she had BPD but was keeping it from me. She said so many things that seemed odd... .it was like she was hinting that something was wrong with her. But I had no idea what BPD was until after we broke up. I was at a total loss and trying to make sense of things and an internet search on "jekyll and hyde" led me here. I'm so thankful for this place. I had no idea I was codependent either until all this happened. It's still something I need to work on... .just don't know how.

[coldmist]

As far as desensitizing myself, you mean by looking at it enough it got to the point where it didn't bother you?

Exactly. I've found being desensitized has helped me with detaching too.

[enlighten me]

I see a different person when I see a picture of my ex. Its the eyes. I didnt see it before but now I see how cold they are. I looked back at other pictures and saw the same. Its amazing when you lose feeling for them how you see through the fog and see under the mask. It really helped me detatch seeing them in a different light.

[Beach_Babe]

Don't beat yourself up, I did the same thing tonight. How are you doing? 

[greenmonkey]

I think we all do it just out of interest - not in a stalkerish way.

I did it - and my first thought was bleurgh what was i thinking, followed by no emotions or feeling just nothing and thinking I dodged a bullett. Her eyes are just cold, no sparkle, no emotion - much like her. As she described herself she is 'numb' and her head is a mass of cotton wool, a jumble.

I know that I am now totally detached, desensitised etc and it does not affect me at all - bear in mind I am nearly 8 months very strict no contact - and I relocated a few hundred miles from her to look after me.

It takes time, we will get there just depends on individuals and how our BPDex's interfere in our lives and at what level.

[BlackandBlue]

I'm doing ok I guess... .just gonna take time to shake the depression off. I just woke up and I usually feel the worst at this time. Hopefully I'll get better later in the day. Greenmonkey, you mention she said she felt numb... .my ex said the same thing when she was devaluing me.

[BlackandBlue]

I know others mentioned the eyes of the ex's and mine had that look in that recent pic I saw. Almost like a distant, no emotions or anything look with a fake smile. Also looked like she lost a lot of weight too. I used to work with my ex and right around this time last year she quit and on her last day I caught her staring at me. She had the odd look on her face... .a sad look of a helpless child or something with those eyes. That image still haunts me... .i wonder what it was all about... .why the stare? I guess I'll never know.

[Lostone1314]

Hello everyone, it's been a while since I posted on here. I thought things were getting better for me since the breakup with my uxBPDgf about a year or so ago,  but I started ruminating about things and how she destroyed me and I did an Internet search for her and saw her picture... .now I'm hurting again  I can't believe I did that... .i should of known better  to everyone else out there who might be tempted to do what I did... .don't do it! Now I have to pull myself out of this depression once again... .ugh

Hi b&b

Have been doing the same with my undiagnosed BPD/npd exgf the longest I've gone without looking is 2 weeks and it's been 15months since d day and 12nc... despite blocking her I can still Google search ... it's not her I'm looking at... I keep looking to see if my replacement and her are still together to give me affirmation it wasn't me that caused her to abuse me,lie and cheat... I'm getting help next week cause the aftermath of the abuse has ruined my self esteem and cause I was replaced by a wealthy obese old man... her primary insult to me was that I was getting fat @10lbs over weight I can't accept that now she is sleeping with a much older man who's 100 lbs over weight.