I know it's over

[jimmy99]

But then again with how impulsive my exBPD is, who knows.

We've been going out for a year and talked for three months before meeting. She came on very strong. She told me she loved me our first phone conversation after our first date. She was very charming from the start and our relationship took off. I wasn't hooked into her like I think she wanted in the beginning. It always takes me longer to get into someone. But after about three months I was in love.

There was no crazy behavior early on. She was great to be around and we loved doing the same things. At three months she introduced me to her kids. She shared 50/50 custody with her ex. When she saw how good I was with her kids she said she knew I was the one.

The big issue in our relationship was distance. We lived 2 hrs away in traffic on average. She asked if I would ever be willing to move out where she is. I said at some point I would be. Little did I know that a month later she would ask me to move. Moving required finding another job which is never an easy process.

My big mistake was letting her manipulate me into saying I would move there at 6 months. I remember when she asked me I said that it was too soon. She raged at me over text that the distance and separation is harming our relationship and that her and the kids need me. She raged at me on the phone, too. I don't know why but I agreed to start looking for a job.

From that point on the issue of me moving and finding work there came up frequently. She started doing the job search for me. I'd get weekly emails from her with job postings.

I look back now and I definitely was being idealized. At about three months she started to say that I was it for her. If it didn't work out with me she was done. Throughout our whole relationship she'd say she wants to grow old with me. I was really into her so I loved hearing stuff like this. Up until the end she would talk about what kind of wedding we would have. Other than the distance issue she never gave me any reason to feel she was unhappy in the relationship.

There were definite red flags with her. She would say she is damaged because of her childhood. Her parents were alcoholics and she ran away. She then lived with her real dad who she said neglected her. Eventually she lived with grandparents.

I knew she had abandonment issues. When she would text me and if I didn't text back in a certain time frame I would get another text from her asking if it was okay that she texted what she did. She'd often look at me and ask If i'm going to break up with her. She'd ask if I was mad at her out of nowhere. She'd tell me that if I ever broke up with her she'd be devastated.

When she didn't have her kids she hated being alone in her apartment. I'd get texts from her saying that she can't be alone in her apartment, that she feels isolated. She'd say stuff like "I'm not in a good place. I can't be alone in this apartment one more minute." I didn't understand it. I'd ask her why she couldn't be alone and she'd usually say that "i just need you here." Towards the end of our relationship it got worse. One night i asked what she was doing and she said, "maybe drink and try not to hurt myself." It was the first time i had ever heard her make any kind of comment like that.

The last couple months of our relationship the demands for me to move there got more frequent. She would text me that she needed me there now. She even wanted me to quit my job then move there and look for work. But the whole time she is also telling me how much she loves me and how great I make her feel. How I give her butterflies still and how she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. She told me all this two days before breaking up with me and going back to her ex.

She would complain about the drive but she would stay in my area long enough to where she would hit rush hour traffic. Her reason for doing so was that she liked being at my apartment knowing I was just a few blocks away working. She had no problem being at my apartment alone all day but for some reason being in hers alone frightened her. Looking back I don't know if she really felt isolated and afraid there or if it was just manipulation.

I believe (and I confirmed it with her post-break up) that I triggered her fear of abandonment the morning she decided to break up with me. We were leaving my apartment and I told her that I would see her friday at her place but that i would leave sunday morning. She was working Saturday and Sunday night but she always liked me to stay at her place when she worked. I had some work to do over the weekend and I told her I would leave Sunday morning. In her mind that was me abandoning her. It's amazing how something so trivial could make her "paint me black" but she did right at that moment.  Later that night she told me her ex asked for her back and she was considering it. I was floored. She never had a good thing to say about him. According to her he was bipolar, tried to commit suicide, gambled their bank account away. For most of our relationship they only texted when it was about the kids. She did remark that recently he had become better at co-parenting.

She asked to see me so i drove to her place. When I walked in she seemed to be in a daze. She later told me that one of the reasons she broke up with me was because she wasn't excited to see me when I walked in. I think I was still painted black by her. The next morning she called me and told me she was going back to her ex. I was in disbelief. She turned really cold after that. Her replies were robotic "I'm sorry I hurt you. It was never my intention."

I was shocked and heartbroken. I couldn't sleep for days. We texted the next day and I asked why, she said that I had become distant lately and that I seemed disinterested. I was in such a fragile state of mind that I believed her and I started blaming myself.

A few days after the break up she texted me and asked how I was doing. I thought it was odd but in my fragile state of mind i still wanted to engage her.

I told her I was flying out to San Fran to visit a female friend. This made her jealous. She accused me of running into the arms of another woman. I told her that what I do is not her concern anymore. I also mentioned that she should get help for her emotional issues. This set her off and she raged at me in text.

I didn't expect to hear from her but when i landed i had a text from her asiking if i arrived safely. She then asked if I was staying with the woman in question. Just to end the conversation I said I wasn't. Later that evening she said that for us to heal we need to step back from each other. I agreed. Then she asked if she could say one more thing. She then texted that she loved me so much that she has to force herself not to think of me. She added that she misses me every day.

I had never experienced this kind of break up. Usually when people break up the one doing the dumping may give the dumpee a chance to get some closure then they both go their separate ways. They decide if they want to be friends or not etc etc. But with this girl the post-break up was all over the place. One minute she is raging at me the next she was telling me how much she loved me.

So we went NC and ten days passed by. I get a text from her and she says that she was fighting not contacting me but couldn't fight it any longer and she wanted to know if i was okay. Now, I don't believe for a second that she wanted too know if I was okay. It's all about her, not me.

I told her i thought she might have BPD. She said she didn't but did say she has abandonment issues.

She said she misses me. At one point she asked me, "Will we ever stop missing each other?" She also said she is haunted by what she did.

I was still unclear why she thought she needed to reach out to me. I probably should have just ignored her text.

Am I right to suspect that she has BPD? I looked at the signs and she meets most if not all of them. What's with the post-break up texting?

[once removed]

hey jimmy99   

im sorry to hear how confusing and painful all of this has been for you. my ex and i were about an hour apart, and she had great difficulty being separated from me as well.

Am I right to suspect that she has BPD? I looked at the signs and she meets most if not all of them. What's with the post-break up texting?

unfortunately none of us are professionals and we cant diagnose. what is clear from your story is that as you both say, she has abandonment issues, and it sounds like she suffers from chronic feelings of emptiness and being alone. that is simply something that, sadly, another person cannot heal, it comes from within. it can be difficult to relate to, and its sad to watch. my ex would call me and id usually already feel drained. shed tell me she missed me, and about how lonely she felt. id summon my best words to soothe her. they had no effect; they couldnt. i could sense that as we were hanging up she would be on the verge of tears. i felt helpless over it. and of course there were the rages that followed if i cancelled plans or wanted a night to myself.

and yes, a person with such great pain when it comes to being alone will look for something, or someone, to soothe that pain, especially a person fearing the abandonment of another. it is a very primitive coping mechanism, and its painful to be on the receiving end of  . the fact that it happened is not your fault.