New here, introducing myself

[babyducks]

It's been one week now since I discovered BPD ... .

I can sense you distress and frustration in your posts and I have no doubt you have suffered a lot.   I can also sense the great concern and compassion you have for you Husband.   I can also feel your integrity and your desire to do what's right in your messages.

We all get here, reeling, at the end of our ropes.  We have all been in your shoes.   I vividly remember the sense of  exhaustion, confusion and high anxiety I walked around in for months when I first got here.   It was tough and I feel your pain.

The best thing you can do for your husband is to work to take care of yourself and I don't mean that to sound trite or condescending, although I am aware that it almost always sounds that way.

When I started to take better care of me it changed the dynamic in the relationship.   Broke the stalemate in a way.   At first my partner did not care for it and I heard some snarky remarks but as time progressed, a rising tide started to raise all boats, in a manner of speaking.   I learned to view the emotional storms dispassionately and disengage from them so that I wasn't be damaged.   Which in turn allowed her to return to baseline much quicker than what our norm usually was.   

It's not perfect by any means  but it's much better than it was and I would say we have a working but challenging relationship today.

I hope you give yourself a break today and do something you really enjoy.   Linger over a cup of tea or a beer.   From what you've written you've done a great job trying to understand and wrestle with thorny topics that confound experts. 

Keep writing and reading, it's our shared experiences that make us strong.  I hope you eventually find a Therapist that you feel comfortable with as an Advocate for you.   

'ducks

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[EaglesJuju]

I am sorry that you have had a difficult time with therapists.

From my perspective the professionals take whatever comes from my husbands mouth as the real truth/only truth. They never questioned (out loud or to me in private) that perhaps he wasn't viewing things correctly. I don't know how many sessions one needs for the professional to see through the façade, because we never could get that far into therapy. So I wonder about the tests you mention.

I really cannot give an exact time frame, since everyone is different. Many people who have personality disorders tend to seek therapy for a side issue, such as anxiety or depression. While working through the side issues, it comes to the therapists attention that the patient has a personality disorder.

I understand your frustration, but it does take awhile for some patients to really open and up and feel comfortable.  I know from my own experience at therapy, it took me a couple of months to establish a sense of trust with my psychologist. I was able to feel comfortable to open up about my core issues. Many people have a fear of a psychologist/psychiatrist thinking that they are "crazy" so there is a tendency to withhold certain things.

Also, diagnosis depends on the therapists style. As others have suggested, some therapists are evasive and tend to not diagnose patients as borderline, due to the stigma. Those therapists will focus on working on the maladaptive behaviors. Other therapists will have more of a direct approach and diagnose the patient.

Have you gone with your husband to all of his therapy sessions?

Have you directly mentioned that your husband may suffer from BPD?

I need to figure out who to go to and what to bring in advance.

My suggestion is to seek a psychiatrist/psychologist who has experience working with personality disordered individuals. Also, one that specializes in  cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT),  dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), and/or psychodynamic therapy.

[Fraggle12]

 , reading your thread is like reading my own experience. Im very new here and I came upon this site after reading and reading ... .And reading to try to discover what was wrong with my husband. I haven't written much here but reading other people's experiences made me realise that the things I was experiencing were very common. Not in itself helpful but makes you feel less alone. This gave me the courage to go to our GP and tell him what was going on in our lives and he invited me to join them for my husband's next appointment (for depression) to talk with him together. He wasn't happy that I'd 'gone behind his back' but I think was quite relieved that someone was taking his problems seriously. Unfortunately there is only one psychotherapist in our county and the waiting list is two years long ;( But two years down the list is better than not being on the list at all.

People were very empathetic when I first posted on here and made me feel like I had support.

I hope I can do the same for others now. Welcome.

[JeanSchimmel]

Have you gone with your husband to all of his therapy sessions?

Have you directly mentioned that your husband may suffer from BPD?... .

... .My suggestion is to seek a psychiatrist/psychologist who has experience working with personality disordered individuals. Also, one that specializes in  cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT),  dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), and/or psychodynamic therapy.

My H has gone to T before I met him (over painful relationship break-ups). Since we've been married he's never sought out help independent of me. He thinks I'm the one who needs counseling... .we've gone as a couple to T because I've threated we do it or I leave. I believe he did see a Physiatrist briefly trying to get med.'s regulated when a MD wouldn't work with him. He admits to depression and has gotten MD's to prescribe for him.

I'd never heard of BPD until 8 days ago. It's been a HUGE game changer! Completely rocked my world since learning of it.

[JeanSchimmel]

, reading your thread is like reading my own experience. Im very new here and I came upon this site after reading and reading ... .And reading to try to discover what was wrong with my husband. I haven't written much here but reading other people's experiences made me realise that the things I was experiencing were very common. Not in itself helpful but makes you feel less alone. This gave me the courage to go to our GP and tell him what was going on in our lives and he invited me to join them for my husband's next appointment (for depression) to talk with him together. He wasn't happy that I'd 'gone behind his back' but I think was quite relieved that someone was taking his problems seriously. Unfortunately there is only one psychotherapist in our county and the waiting list is two years long ;( But two years down the list is better than not being on the list at all.

People were very empathetic when I first posted on here and made me feel like I had support.

I hope I can do the same for others now. Welcome.

Wow, how sweet of you to welcome me! Thank-you.

I can relate to your post here and on your own thread which I posted on tonight fraggle12. I feel really bad that you don't have more P in your area. We live in the suburbs of a major city and we have wait lists too. Almost impossible to see a Physiatrist unless you're hospitalized.