Considering getting out. Advice?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

uBPDh is getting increasingly violent. We've been married for a year and a half, and we just bought a house together two months ago. I say "together" even though he did not contribute any money to the arrangement. He has not worked much at all the entire time we've been together, and I've been paying all of the expenses. We don't have children, and I want to make a decision soon, rather than wait. Are there any resources regarding baby steps to take toward starting the process? He will blame me and act like a wounded puppy, and might even try self harm if I tell him I want to end things. Is there any way to get help through the process? And what legal steps should I take to see whether he's entitled to any of my money?

[WitzEndWife]

uBPDh is getting increasingly violent. We've been married for a year and a half, and we just bought a house together two months ago. I say "together" even though he did not contribute any money to the arrangement. He has not worked much at all the entire time we've been together, and I've been paying all of the expenses. We don't have children, and I want to make a decision soon, rather than wait. Are there any resources regarding baby steps to take toward starting the process? He will blame me and act like a wounded puppy, and might even try self harm if I tell him I want to end things. Is there any way to get help through the process? And what legal steps should I take to see whether he's entitled to any of my money?

[SamwizeGamgee]

Since you are without kids, and by your description he is getting more violent, my only answer is run.  I know it is only a decision you can make, and I should not advise you, but, increasing violence only leads to increased harm. 
Keep in mind you did not cause whatever it is that makes your H violent.  You cannot cure him, or solve it. You also cannot change it. Likewise if he harms himself or threatens to harm himself - calling the authorities is your only response.  You are not responsible for him, puppy dog eyes or not.

Make contact as soon as possible with a local domestic violence center / women's shelter and at least get informed of your options.  It might help at least to have the phone numbers loaded in your phone.

Unfortunately, you have a house and assets together. It might take some legal help to untangle, but again, your safety is at stake.  You may lose some money, but, you can earn back money but not always life and safety (and sanity). Prepare and plan before you make any announcements about leaving him. 

Good luck, be safe!

[ForeverDad]

Yes, first be safe.  Then be smart.  Is the house deeded in your name only, or jointly?  The longer you are married with jointly owned property, the more difficult it will be to unwind the marriage without financial impact.  He's almost certain to claim as much interest or equity in the property as possible.  Get solid legal advice (confidentially!) from an experienced, problem solving family law attorney so you can determine your best choices and outcomes.

In some states you can file for divorce and at the same time have your home (which you bought) declared as your residence and grant you full possession during the divorce.  What that does is allow you to have a place to live but, even better, avoids letting him gain 'possession' and drag his feet prepping the house for sale, listing it, finding a buyer and getting out.

People with BPD (pwBPD) or other acting-out disorders typically have black or white perceptions, that is, they either love something or hate something, very little gray space in between.  (It sounds like he may be a Controller and once he had you obligated to a marriage and a big asset, a house, then he feels he has you obligated and he feels enabled to exercise his need to control.)  What that means is that you may try to find a calmer middle ground as you try to manage an equitable divorce, perhaps an impossible task, but know full well that you almost certainly cannot be 'friends' afterward.  Once divorced then the practical end is... .  Let Go.  Move On.

[WitzEndWife]

Thank you both. Great advice. I am staying at my parents' house tonight after a series of bad arguments where he screamed at and scared me. He is refusing to go to counseling whatsoever (actually he agreed to go with me, but only agreed to go if he could find a counselor whose politics aligned with his and not mine). I have no other choice at this point than to protect myself and my dog (who is traumatized in all of this too).