What's Wrong w Silent Treatment?

[Speedracer]

My dd 16 has done some things in the past week that make me want to stay away from her. At least until our next therapy session. There are pros and cons of staying away. I'm confused. First she came home after having a bad day, I offered to listen but she cursed me & acted rude then marched off to her room. Then she was mean to her sister when I was helping her. She acts completely self absorbed, canceled plans with me, mean to her sister again, so I'm putting up boundaries by staying away & trying to protect her sister. She's been violating driving privileges, I got an alarm on my phone app today she was driving 88 in a 55 zone. (She drives 30 mi to school each way)  Shes not supposed to have passengers but she does. She doesnt know we electronically monitor her driving, in case she decides to run away again we need this secret, so we have to give strong cautions & hints to warn her. My nerves are a wreck. Keeping my distance seems best for me & everyone else in the house but it seems to affect her, like she purposely ignores & has negative attitude, acts a bit down. Therapy is going to be tough this week. Any advice?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello Speedracer,

88 in a 55    Is this the reason you chose that username?   

Regarding the title of your thread... .  What's Wrong w Silent Treatment?

I present this for consideration... .  Which is a more mentally and emotionally healthy behavior?

An agreed upon time out from communicated for self soothing, reflection and thoughtful problem solving ... .  

or

A shut down of communication driven by emotional/mental overload, lack of skills, and punishment.

Speaking about both parties in the use of the "silent treatment" here.


The "silent treatment" is often times a form of abuse... .  

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68733.0

[Sybmom]

Wow!  You are writing my life story - just 3 years ago.  Tracking devices in cars, complete disrespect for rules and always trying to protect the younger daughter.

It is important to do what you need to do to protect yourself but make sure that your older daughter knows that you are there for her.  If she mistakes silence for "you don't love her" or "you don't care" the next session will be worse!  It is also ok (and important) to stand up to her and tell her that the behavior she is exhibiting is not acceptable.  Read the book - Stop Walking On Eggshells.   Kids with BPD need more boundaries and more feedback - it takes longer to sink in. You need to set boundaries even if she disobeys them if nothing else to make sure that your younger daughter does not decide that disrespect is ok.  

Be brave.  Be strong.  :)on't give up.  There is hope.

[almostvegan]

Silent treatment just shows you can run away from your problems. I don't like that message. I prefer to say " right now I'm not feeling like I want to be with you bc of what you did... .  " I think it's a better alternative to ignoring her.

[Kate4queen]

I never liked using the 'silent treatment; but sometimes my clever clever malicious son would make any reply I gave him into something that was offensive or challenging to him. And he would Never Stop. It was like living with the Terminator, he'd hunt you down to talk about his agenda anywhere. I ended up miserably silent on many occasions.

Saying I don't want to talk to you right now etc made no difference either. If I said that and escorted him out of my office in the house he'd stand outside and just keep talking for hours. I couldn't always allow him to drive me out of my own home either as he'd just turn on my other kids.

Words are my son's power. He is a wonderful speaker-and wants to be a lawyer.

Silence was sometimes the only option.

[onetiredmom]

Kate!  Your son is my daughter!  I have never had anyone verbalize this before.  We can hear our daughter in every room of our home as she rants and spouts.  There is no reprieve.  It exhausted me.  She has been out 1 month today, and I am still exhausted and flinch every time she texts or calls.  Which she does alot of.  I am hoping my nervous system eventually calms down.  It is on heightened alert as we need to protect younger siblings, too, - not to mention us.  It is a sad, sad disease.  It is sad to realize her very personality is such that it is going to be a very lonely life for her until that matures or changes.

[Eclaire5]

What is it with the ranting? My daughter does that all the time too and it used to drive me crazy! I say used to because it no longer affects me. Since I realize it is part of her illness I just sit there and “listen” (not really, often my mind wonders to a happy place in order to keep my own sanity) until she vents enough to the point that she exhausts herself. As far as the silent treatment, what worked for me was to take my distance without her really noticing. I would avoid her as much as I could without making it obvious. Yes, I wouldn’t talk much (either due to fear of triggering her anger or because I was angry myself), but I would still say a few things here and there and tried to act as normal as possible. If she noticed that I was unusually quiet she often would ask, but just letting her know that I was a little tired or not feeling well would suffice and she was ok with the answer (it’s so sad that at the end we turn into good liars as well).

[trainwreck4]

I think the silent treatment if used as a punishment is wrong, however these guys can push you to the point of anger beyond the normal parenting norm. I have used silence to mull through what I feel and what NEEDS to be said before I say what I call an "inside thought" (thoughts we all think, but try not to say outloud!).  I did this in December for a week and a half. I wish I had been able to say to her that I needed a break, but I was too angry. At the end of my silence we had a very frank conversation about how I felt, why I felt that way and what I wanted to change. I did apologize, but I also added that a good parent does not approach their children in that frame of mind. Maybe if this happens again, I will ask my husband to simply say I am taking a break .  Don't beat yourself up. This is like a perpetual roller coaster. We are only human.

[Speedracer]

Every response here is very helpful & I can relate to each and every one. I saw my own therapist today. She suggested that instead of walking away from her, I say something like, " Wow I need some time to process what you've just said, I'll get back with you on this when I'm ready." I agree with the responder that says not to make it obvious to them we are taking a break. They can sense it very easily.

I recently attended a conference on loving someone with an addiction, which gave very helpful advice that also seems to pertain to loving a borderline. It was all about setting BOUNDARIES! Boundaries are all about us, not them. There is a script we were taught to follow that I am going to use in family therapy tomorrow:

When you (fill in the blank)

I feel (fill in the blank)

I want/prefer (fill in the blank)

If you continue (fill in the blank)

I will (fill in the blank)

And the name Speedracer was a nickname given to me in college while pledging a sorority because I won first place in a tricycle race.

[griz]

I am not a fan of the silent treatment ever. That is not to say that I don't distance myself sometimes but I try to always do it and make it about me ie:  I am feeling very overwhelmed right now and I just need sometime to myself.  I also will try to let DD know about how long it will be so I will add tonight or for a few hours.  I find it can be very frightening for her if I suddenly retreat and she doesn't understand why (abandonment).  The other day I had a terrible day at work and I was exhausted.  On the way home in the car (DD was with me because I had picked her up from the mall) I was very quiet.  She asked me what was wrong and I said, nothing, I am just quiet.  A few minutes later she asked me again... .  Are you sure nothing is wrong, I again said no I'm fine honey just quiet tonight.  Then she started asking me a million questions about everything she could think of and I realized that she was doing anything she could to engage me in conversation.  I could sense fear setting in her voice but I just wanted some quiet. So finally I said, Honey I'm sorry if I am so quiet right now, I had a miserable day at work and I just wanted some quiet would you mind if we didn't talk until after we got home.  Maybe we could just put some music on.  We did and all was well.

I am very sensitive to the silent treatment because this is what my mother did when she was mad at me.  Most times she wouldn't even tell me why I she was mad and I remember that feeling of desperation trying to talk to her and she would ignore me.  This was the worst punishment for me and she knew it... .  so she used it all the time (And did someone think we were the bad parents?)

Griz

[Speedracer]

Thank you Griz. I am keeping your ideas.

Oh boy. The family therapist just emailed me the topics dd wants to discuss tomorrow. They are complete distortions of the truth & attempt to have control & live with no rules. I am being accused of things I can never imagine she would say. We have opposite versions of events. Not sure this therapy is worth it. It's all making me sick. My stomach has been a mess for months.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kate4queen]

Kate!  Your son is my daughter!  I have never had anyone verbalize this before.  We can hear our daughter in every room of our home as she rants and spouts.  There is no reprieve.  It exhausted me.  She has been out 1 month today, and I am still exhausted and flinch every time she texts or calls.  Which she does alot of.  I am hoping my nervous system eventually calms down.  It is on heightened alert as we need to protect younger siblings, too, - not to mention us.  It is a sad, sad disease.  It is sad to realize her very personality is such that it is going to be a very lonely life for her until that matures or changes.

I feel for you. My son has been gone for 2 months. We stopped paying for his phone so we didn't have to get texts or calls from him because he would never stop 'talking to us' trying to Make Us Understand His Pain and What Awful Parents We Are. There was no where to hide. It 's like a constant emotional onslaught where you are not allowed to have feelings, get upset or interrupt.

I still get stressed when I see an email from him. He is just as eloquent in those-unless you understand the subtext of rage.

[Speedracer]

Well we fought last night. I blew up. My husband & I blew up. My husband wants to be her friend. I am doing most of the tough work. We fought again this morning. I had to take a Xanax to make it through family therapy today. My husband to my surprise backed me in therapy. But the way we all left, communication between me & dd is becoming more nonexistent by the day, it's going both ways. If I say or do anything, she lies & distorts the truth. Even if I just stand still while she tirades cussing all the way up to her room that becomes "my mom is intrusive and does not respect my boundaries." It's like our home is a hotel to her. She just left for work and did not say goodbye.

I understand all the cons expressed here about silent treatment, but I'm just stuck in it right now, and I really prefer the silence. I think the hardest time I am having is trying to reason with, validate, or empathize with a total liar who has not earned my trust or respect & keeps expecting more trust & more respect to be handed to her unconditionally.

It scares me that she seems not in reality, dissociative, is that the right word? It's utterly crazy making trying to communicate with that.

[onetiredmom]

Racer -

I just want to tell you I empathize.  We had blow ups last night and this morning, also.  Dd's T has said I will do 'nothing right, no matter what', that is her illness.  Wow.  That is quite a thing for me to sit with.  Always wrong.  Tough place to be.  What I need to do is realize that is HER'S, not mine.  Period.  And every time I engage, she wins.  Period.  So easy to say, so very, very hard to do.  I am not proud to admit that I engaged both last night and today.  The irrational blaming of my spouse sent me over.  It is too long to explain, and too inane to be worth the energy, but he was at fault both for being too early and too late, simultaneously.  It is not rational.  Knowing that, isn't my trying to find the rational equally as irrational?  I am in no way criticizing anyone as I am the captain of this ship.

I have decided that I am going to 'assign' 1/2 hour per night to obsess about my dd.  All day long I am going to remind myself there is a time to obsess and it isn't now.  I found that when I sit down to purposely obsess, seems kind of dumb.  I am trying to corral my thinking. 

Best to all of you.  Please feel free to point out all the errors in my thinking.

OTM

[Speedracer]

Setting aside specific time to think about it and trying not to think about it at other times seems like a great idea. What also seems like a great idea is planning a solo vacation, leaving them all to fend for themselves for a week while we are out in the Caribbean somewhere far far away and out of reach. One can dream... .  

[onetiredmom]

When are we leaving?  I'm game!  I'll meet you anywhere!  !  Can you imagine all of us meeting for sand and sun - do you think we could not talk about our pwBPD? 

[Speedracer]

You know it is a really great idea! My middle child went to a special needs school. The moms I met became lifelong friends. Of course we discussed our kids issues, but we laughed often. It was the best medicine! We still support each other.

[griz]

OK guys I'm at the airport but I can't find you.  Someone please tell me what flight we are on.

Griz

[onetiredmom]

Ok... .  let's go!  I live in a huge metropolis and have not found a support group for family of pwBPD.  There so needs to be one.  Then they can get together and become my life long friends!

[griz]

maybe we need to seriously consider this.

[Speedracer]

Yes maybe Valerie Porr could organize a cruise for caretakers of BPD, with seminars & classes including ones for compassion fatigue.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Speedracer]

Oh btw therapy was hard, but it must have done some good. She went to choices class & returned bubbly conversing with all of us & happy. She's trying! Silence over for now!