Preparing for Threats

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am staying with a friend who's ex has uBPD.  She threatened to call police with false claims if me and son are not gone by today.  (For the kid's visitation exchange)

We spent time with the kids the past weekend, (Girl7, boy13)and she is claiming my son made advances to her daughter.  She actually warned us ahead of time that she doesn't trust males around her daughter.  Then a couple days later made the accusation of daughter sitting on son's lap.  (Which did not happen). But also in same text has said that she spoke to daughter about the issues with lying.  She also admits the other kid (sibling of daughter) is not supporting these claims.  Also In same text she threatens that if we are not gone by Thursday then she will go to authorities with the claims.

It seems pretty obvious to me that she is simply threatening we be gone.

She still acts possessive of him even tho divorce was over 3 yrs ago.  She also called police on his last babysitter.  (No real reason, just that he left kids with a "stranger."

Just throwing this out there in case there is something for me to consider that I have not in terms of protecting myself and my son.

I assume it is likely she has no reason to deescalate on her own and the police may very well come tonight if only to simply do a wellness check on everyone.

Any thoughts?
Thanks!

[Sunfl0wer]

I am staying with a friend who's ex has uBPD.  She threatened to call police with false claims if me and son are not gone by today.  (For the kid's visitation exchange)

We spent time with the kids the past weekend, (Girl7, boy13)and she is claiming my son made advances to her daughter.  She actually warned us ahead of time that she doesn't trust males around her daughter.  Then a couple days later made the accusation of daughter sitting on son's lap.  (Which did not happen). But also in same text has said that she spoke to daughter about the issues with lying.  She also admits the other kid (sibling of daughter) is not supporting these claims.  Also In same text she threatens that if we are not gone by Thursday then she will go to authorities with the claims.

It seems pretty obvious to me that she is simply threatening we be gone.

She still acts possessive of him even tho divorce was over 3 yrs ago.  She also called police on his last babysitter.  (No real reason, just that he left kids with a "stranger."

Just throwing this out there in case there is something for me to consider that I have not in terms of protecting myself and my son.

I assume it is likely she has no reason to deescalate on her own and the police may very well come tonight if only to simply do a wellness check on everyone.

Any thoughts?
Thanks!

[formflier]

I think you have it about right.

In the future, I would be extra diligent about making sure there are plenty of people around to verify what your kids have or have not done.

This lady seems to be playing to a stereotype... .

Not sure there is any real reason to respond, there is a reason to be ready.

FF

[takingandsending]

How old is your son? How aware is he of this whole situation? I worry about him. Sure the cops can come and see that no harm is being done, but do you want them possibly questioning your son?

Frankly, it's disgusting that an adult would falsely accuse a kid of something. I know feelings=facts, but this just seems like your kid is now being pulled into a mess that he has nothing to do with. I guess while being ready to respond to possible police visit, likewise be ready to be there for your son if he is confused about the whole situation.

[Sunfl0wer]

Thanks guys!

My son is 22, ASD, but quite savvy for anyone with ASD.  (Meaning he won't mess up and say something that will get misunderstood, but will appear a bit less "friendly" than the average person/less small talk from him... .which sometimes makes others feel awkward around him.)
He is a very mature and aware "kid" and understands it all.

I'm grateful my friend did not respond to her threat or engage it in any way challenging her.  He ignored it.

I feel a bit sad at the thought of kids minds being used and am curious when his kids arrive tonight after school, how they will behave.  We all did get along well and I doubt either of the kids have replaced their own thinking with mom's thinking.  That is just a sense I get about these kids.  Son knows his mom is "out there."  :)aughter has moms traits but responded well to our visit so far and was thrilled to have us as guests, I am sure her enthusiasm triggered mom some too.  Son in past has said to his dad, "mom just doesn't like us to have fun when with you."  

My friend has a camera because of incidents with his ex in the past.  He let us know he has activated them.

While I rather no one be questioned, and I agree, the whole thing is utterly disgusting... .(especially questioning his kids by their mom for her attempting to gather "evidence."  She also claims I made daughter cry twice or other such nonesense.) I am not in a position to leave either.  I had a personal emergency for why I am staying here.

Yes, makes me quite sad about my son.  

I cannot think of anything else to do but wait and see at this point, but nice to have support.

The girl is not yet independent with her toileting at mom's due to mom infantilizing her, but handled all that ok here at dad's.  I have thought maybe mom will help clean her bottom area raw on her, as "evidence," but that is only thing I can think of and just have to wait and see.  (It would be so senseless for mom to do... .but this mom is not too bright in how she is fashioning things.)

Good point on having several around.  :)ad is diligent on not stepping out to store or such during our stay because he doesn't want to hear about us being like a "babysitter" from mom opening up can of "first right of refusal" or such so he never leaves kids.  But good point in general... .the more the better.

I guess that is it.
Thanks for listening!

[Sunfl0wer]

Oh, I was worried about her making a false claim, then having a copy of the report to use as a way to get our full names and address to harass us somehow.  A police friend says in this state that the report would actually black out our identifying info.  So that is cool to know!

Also, we are hiding my car so she cannot use my plate to trace my address for harassing me.

[Sunfl0wer]

So, it seems the night went by without event.  No police showed up after all.

However, daughter did bring up the topic on her own and volunteered things about mom when in private with dad.  She complained that mom was lying about us.  Dad was sharp and quickly got the conversation recorded.  Not that it would hold up in court, but certainly will validate son and help us know a bit about what is happening in mom's head.

What I am guessing happened is mom tried to convince kid she was abused by my son and myself, but when daughter and son kept denying it, and mom mentioned to dad in text about "discussing lying" with the daughter... .sounds like she discussed lying because the 7yr old girl was calling mom out on lying!

So I guess with both kids denying her accusations, it was tough for her to continue through that route.

Hooefully that is behind us now!
Thanks for listening!
Feeling so grateful that when issues like this came up with my ex... .
Son and I would get slammed to the ground with them... .ex would get brainwashed along with his kid... .and join slightly in attacking us for something or another.  It feels kind of healing to hang with folks who "had our backs" so to speak.  And dad felt bad that we were exposed to this vs trying to kick us out for it.

[formflier]

Sunflower,

What I see here is clear direct communication between people about very troubling issues... .coming from a very troubled person.

There was a possibility of some kind of dysfunctional action and you guys prepared for it, though it through and then went on with your lives.

The best antidote to the alternate realities that get "pushed" is consistent communication.

I often wonder how "they" interpret this, when they decided to "stand down".  She obviously knew nobody would believe her or it wouldn't get anywhere.  My guess is that she figured she was doing a favor of some kind of "letting you off the hook.

FF

[ForeverDad]

When my divorce was nearing the final stages she raged about me being in contact with the pediatrician's office.  She had temp custody during the entire divorce process but school had asked my help when she didn't respond to their calls.  Well, she raged at the pediatrician's staff and the doctor promptly "withdrew services".  I'm sure she realized she made a huge misstep so of course she had to try to make me look worse than her.  After the next set of exchanges CPS contacted me about an allegation that I had gotten enraged at son and "beat him on his shins".  Even the hospital had in their logs that the bruises on his shins were normal for an active boy like him (climbing all over the exam table/bed).  He told me that he thought his bruises were from the climbing bars in a local park when with his mother.

This was this first time she had gotten an allegation (started by her typical claiming "My son told me..." supported by our son.  She must have been really motivated in her coaching.  I spoke with my son and realized he didn't know what lying was.  During those early years I felt he was developmentally delayed by all the conflict and discord.  He was in kindergarten, so I looked for a way to VALIDATE what truth and honesty were.  I found an out-of-print Clifford the Big Red Dog book, T-Bone Tells The Truth, and we read it together.  I saw the light bulb go off in his head.

[WildernessMan]

I have experienced similar issues with my BPD wife influencing my three childrens' opinions of me without my being allowed the benefit of defending myself to our kids.

From birth my wife would say awful things to our kids about me. Most of the time it was when I wasnt around. Sometimes, however, my wife and I would disagree about something, she would become highly dramatic, and drag our kids off to another room and lock the door to prevent me from being able to defend myself. Mind you, I would be very calm in these cases, not raging, yelling or anything aggressive from me. She, on the other hand, would go off the deep end with drama, influencing our kids to turn against me. This would be done many times when the subject matter of the disagreement wasnt even that serious.

I have often wondered if her mother acted this way. I knew her mother for about 10 years. She died of lung cancer. I loved my mother-in-law but always wondered what damage she might have caused.

My wifes dad was a drunk abuser, verbal and physical. Also he molested my wifes oldest sister numerous times and I suspect he did the same to my wife. However she has never said that.

So, does anyone have experience with a BPD wife turning their kids against them over a long period of time? I know this happened because my oldest daughter, 21, said just recently she witnessed and experienced her mom doing it her entire life. Our other two children, daughter 17 and son almost 14, are not as aware that this happened. I think due mainly to their young age and less maturity to see and understand.

Sorry. I'm not trying to hijack your post. Its just that I can relate to your original post.

[Panda39]

WildernessMan,

You are describing Parental Alienation.  You might want to post about this behavior over on the co-parenting board.  Many of us have experienced this type of behavior at varying levels.

Here is a link to more on Parental Alientation... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.msg1331467#msg1331467

Panda39

[Sunfl0wer]

I wanted to pop back to thank all for this thread.  With some time behind me, I am still reflecting on gratitude for how things worked out for this as it all gives me flashbacks to my ex and how BPDF was there for stuff surrounding that as well... .so thanks greatly!  It felt so less lonely knowing folks are out there who knew about this situation! 

My guess is that she figured she was doing a favor of some kind of "letting you off the hook.

Good point to keep in mind.  Also thanks because I didn't realize... .we did all have excellent communication about it... .I'm glad! 

Oh foreverdad... .reading snippets here and there on this site... .my heart goes out to you for the unimaginable hell you all endured.  Love Clifford!  Maybe I will send him a copy of that book.  I really did want to come up with a discreet way to "reward" that little girl for her bravery and validate her response... .maybe some books thanking them for our stay.

Thanks wildernessman and Panda39 for reading and relating!